*DO NOT TRY THIS*

(To all those wordless viewers, please forgive the um, words.  I tried.  I did.)
As I’m sure you’ve surmised if you’ve read my blog at all, it is chocked full of parenting tips.

This is not easy, people.
It takes a considerable amount of research to bring you such helpful hints. I mean wouldn’t you rather me accidentally glue my baby’s lips with Super Glue, so I can tell you how to unglue them? Or perform The Heimlich Maneuver on 2/3 of my children in the same month as a life saving example?

I’m here to serve you.
So, here’s my latest ‘WHAT NOT TO DO’ PARENTING TIP:
My toddler is in what I call the Patio stage. If a public place does not have a patio, we do not go. She’s a bundle of energy and truly prefers disobedience over obedience in most instances.
Yeah. I’d appreciate the prayer.

The other day she kept pulling rocks from the fireplace. I guess they were tasty, because she enjoyed munching on them-

I kept telling her no, redirecting, tapping her little hand. So, she got the hint and moved to this:

I changed her filthy clothes, before 9 a.m. mind you, and she started doing this:

So, I did what all good parents would do. I mean, she’s my third child. I’m experienced.

I gave her this, as a distraction.

It worked. She played with my cell phone for an eternity in toddler time- 4 minutes.
And then she went back to pulling rocks out of the fireplace, eating dirt and hanging precariously from the chair.
I’m all about being consistent: consistently screaming NO! Stop! Get down, NOW! And then I started an audible countdown to nap time.
Here’s the tip: DO NOT GIVE YOUR CHILD A CELL PHONE AS A DISTRACTION. E-ver.
Yeah, cause in the middle of all that great parenting, she called the Pastor of our church. On his day off. Seriously. His family got to hear me in my finest moment.
I’m thinking there won’t be any offers to teach a parenting class at church any time soon.
Just a hunch.

For more great tips that actually don’t work, check out WFMW and for some great photos that don’t have words, visit 5 Minutes for Mom.

Comments

  1. 1

    says

    ROTFL!

    This tops my experience with my MIL on the other line as my dd got ahold of my cell on a not so good day..fortuntly I liked her then and wasn’t talking smack!

    LOL still too funny!

    Tell the Pastor it was the meds talking!

    BTW ~ she is cute!!!! And I’m biased about my own kids!

  2. 4

    says

    Oh no! I sure hope that never happened to me and I just didn’t know it! Though I was having a “private conversation” with my husband once, had previously called a friend and thought I hung up…only to realize her voicemail was recording.

    (red cheeks followed!)

    :)

  3. 7

    says

    wow, that sounds like so many days at my house. Minus the cell phone since I don’t have one at home. But the dangling and diverting one disaster after another? oh yeah.

    are you just exhausted? I am.

  4. 10

    says

    Too funny. It could be much worse. I know of 2 such terrible incidents with friends of mine. Both incidents are with adults and not children.

    1. A wife clicks her call waiting and thinking she is talking to her husband, goes on a tirade about her MIL. She was talking to her MIL not her husband. They are divorced now.

    2. A husband thinks he hangs up the phone from a call with his wife and goes off on her to the passenger/co-worker in his car. He did not hang up. The wife overheard it all. Coincidently, they are now divorced now too.

    I do not know if the cell phone mishaps caused the divorce but I am pretty sure they did not help the marriage.

    Hopefully your pastor has children and knows that we all have our days.

  5. 11

    Marcy - The Glamorous Life! says

    Again another story so funny you could not make it up. Reminds me of the Theater Production of Best Little WHorehouse in Texas I did in college. OPening night- my pastor was in the FRONT ROW. Talk about uncomfortable….I am pretty sure your pastor is never ever suposed to see you in a garter belt. In fact I am certain.

    I am digging for tomorrows photo…

  6. 12

    says

    My husband keeps his phone in his back pocket and sometimes accidently, what we affectionately call, “butt dials” me. And then it is like having an intercom into his life. Thankfully he is trust worthy and I haven’t heard anything inappropriate. But it does make for some interesting eavesdropping.

  7. 13

    says

    Oh but she’s sooo cute!

    And here’s my parenting tip…set the phone to lock mode and she can play until her wittle heart is content. How do you think I have made it through the last two years? That cell phone is handy I tell you.

  8. 14

    says

    LOL!!!! Oh man.. that would be doubly bad for me since our pastor is also my father-in-law!

    I agree with the other commenter, thank goodness it wasn’t 911

  9. 19

    says

    She looks soooo cute though.

    I’ve given my toddler my cell phone as a distraction too- and she’s made a few calls. Thankfully only to my mom and my hubby!

  10. 20

    says

    Oh but she’s SO cute hangin’ on that chair in her little dress!

    Can’t you lock the keys on that phone? You might wanna do that next time! : )

  11. 28

    says

    I actually enjoy being the one to eavesdrop into the accidental phone call…there have been times I waited for 15 minutes to see if I would get wind of any good gossip. ;)

    Not like I have laundry to do or anything.

    And my one question to you is why do you have the pastor of your church programmed in your cell phone?

    I guess that seems odd to me since my church has 12,000 members and even though I have been there for 18 years, he has never given me that number. HAHAHAHA

    Dang, I’m not important after all!

  12. 31

    says

    That is too funny! My son called the police once when he was wee. He used to call our phone his “puter” and push the buttons. I guess he decided to pick up the reciever and pushed the preset button for the police. When I finally noticed and grabbed the reciever I was treated to quite a lecture by the officer on the other end!

    Blessings,
    Liisa

  13. 32

    says

    That is hysterical! I have what I thought was an unnatural fear of someone hearing my motherhood rants. It seems the thought is not so outrageous! I appreciate the way you sacrifice and do the field research to help out us other mommies!

  14. 33

    says

    Too funny! I had this happen where someone called me (unknowingly) and was spanking her kids and everyone was screaming and crying. I never told her because I thought it would she would be so embarrassed you wouldn’t talk to me ever again!
    Toni

  15. 35

    says

    Could have been SO much worse. You could have accidentally rolled onto your cell phone during a “husband and wife moment.” Your pastor could have heard a loss worse than just you raising your voice. Well, maybe you do that during those “moments” as well!

    Hallie :)

  16. 36

    says

    Very funny!!! (Mostly because it didn’t happen to ME, of course.)

    My kids are well beyond the toddler stage. However, as recently as last summer we found out my two (one a teen the other almost a teen) had been making random prank phone calls. “But, Mom! No one will know it’s us!” Um, excuse me? Have you not heard of caller ID?? They know now.

  17. 40

    says

    Oh my! That is causing riotous laughter over here. Our toddler plays with the cell phone all the time. Like, literally, every single day. Multiple times.

    Fortunately, my phone has a key guard that I activate, but she has still managed to call her dad, both of her aunts and my 85-year-old Grandma, all before 7 am. Fortunately, she hasn’t called 9-1-1 or anything. I count my blessings.

  18. 41

    says

    Funny! I’ve had days like that though my child called grandma so it was no big deal. I’m so good I didn’t even know it until she called me back!

  19. 42

    says

    Oh my is right!!! There is no question that would happen to me!

    My mom made the mistake of giving my son her cell phone to play with. 60 bucks in international phone calls later — she won’t be doing that again.

    HAHA! Oh the lessons we learn..so much fun!

  20. 44

    says

    I was going to say, we gave our daughter the cell phone thiking that the keypad was locked. When we got our next bill, there were international charges to China.
    She did have fun, though.

  21. 48

    Amanda Eck says

    oh my goodness!! I soooo am laughing at that! I am so glad Im not the only one who has those days. I spent my morning cleaning up purple marker from my son, the TV, the carpet, the wall, the glass table and Madeleines baby stroller oh and a Dora the Explorer book :-)

  22. 49

    says

    Okay, that’s hilarious, but ONLY because it wasn’t my child, me yelling and my pastor on the phone! Yikes! I think all parents of toddlers should only buy the cellphones that have the button “locking” ability. Course, I always forget to enable it before I hand it over…. oops!

    Thanks for sharing. =0)

  23. 52

    says

    That is SO me right now. My son loves my cell, too. Thank God for the man who decided to put a “key lock” shortcut on my phone. And mine is a cheapie so I don’t care if he drops it 52,000 times while in Wal-Mart. I mean, its good exercise, right? ;o)

    She’s such a cutie!

  24. 53

    DeAnna says

    I love it!!!!! Life is just NEVER dull is it?! I know with my own kids I will be doing well if they each live past the ripe ole’ age of 10 without me killing them first. LOL!

  25. 54

    says

    Just hilarious! I have one just like that. He’s 14 months old and is currently standing on the dining room chair rocking it (it isn’t a rocker). He loves the phone too. Fortunately, he’s very good about handing things over to me when I tell him too. We decided that if he’s going to act like he’s 2, we’ll treat him like he’s 2…so he already knows time out.

    Good luck. I know some days are harder than others.

  26. 56

    says

    My cellphone got destroyed by the slobber monster! It still worked, but the ear piece got so wet you coultn’t hear out of it anymore. Hmmm. this reminds me of my next WFMW tip…tbc

  27. 57

    says

    Oh.my.gosh…snorting, sputtering…that’s TOO GOOD! Bwahahahahhahahah Oh my.

    I mean…errr….so sorry to hear you are having such a rough time of the toddler stage.

    *anxiously awaiting another story*

  28. 59

    says

    Favorite tip of the day!

    We had a similiar experience, but can’t even blame the baby. My husband has a blue tooth and it was in his pocket as he was discipling two of our kids. He must have accidently pushed send and it called a work colleague of his. I was (still am) mortified, but he’s fine with it!

    I’ll have to bookmark you now and come and read more antics! Thanks.

  29. 61

    says

    Yup – can totally relate. I know I have learned, what seems like a good idea at the time, I’m wondering later WHY? Why did I ever think that was a good idea? And I am not so proud to say, it seems this is a repeated learning lesson.

    Anyways – love your audible countdown to naptime. I acutally have a song I sing twice a day when it’s close to nap time or night night time.

  30. 63

    says

    Aren’t toddlers fun?!?!? Amazes me to this day, that ANYONE who is aware that you have a toddler and stay home with said child can think that stay at home moms, OF TODDLERS do NOTHING all day!

    I don’t know what I’d do without the ONE day a week the Little Imp is in Montesorri. I’d probably be sitting somewhere in a corner rocking back and forth, drooling all over myself whilst the impish one continues to pull out the cat’s whiskers, de-leaf the spider plant, and toilet paper my entire house….

    BTW, we do the audible countdown to naps as well. Tis a pity though that the impish one has already lerned the eyerolling trick…most probably from her teenage sister.

  31. 64

    says

    I truly enjoy your posts each and every day and am convinced you must be sick of my comments by now, BUT, that has got to be one of my all time favorites of your posts. I can just feel the sick to your stomach feeling you must have gotten when you realized it was your pastor on the other end. I only hope your pastor has small children as well and can understand those moments. Way to keep it real!!

  32. 65

    says

    lol..

    i really do enjoy reading your posts..haven’t been here for quite some time..i am back..and enjoying your posts..thanks..

    Happy not-so-wordless wednesday! :)

  33. 66

    says

    i feel for you. My son LOVES his papa’s cell phone. We give it to him, but are careful to watch how long he plays with it and who he’s accidentally dialing.
    We’ve found some pretty odd pictures on the camera (phone). The boy’s face up close, the boy’s hand, the boy’s nose, the ceiling, the floor, the list goes on…

  34. 67

    says

    I can relate! My cell phone always ends up in some body of water when my toddler has it! The dog bowl, the toilet, the bathtub. Those rock and dirt pictures look like they could have been taken with our camera!

  35. 68

    says

    LOL! Once when I was dissecting a chicken, our pastor called. I told my older son (about 7 years old at the time) to answer the phone, thinking it was my hubby. Our son kept saying things like, “Hi bobby. It’s me.” (The kids call their dad bobby. Don’t ask.)

    I finally realized that it wasn’t my hubby on the phone and had my son hold the phone to my ear while my hands were full of chicken grease. When I realized it was our pastor, I apologized right away and said I would call him back. What must our pastors think?! :)

  36. 71

    says

    LOL! My middle child has called 911 on more than one occasion. Even with the keys locked you can still press and hold 9 and it will call – I realize this is for our ease and safety in the midst of a true emergency. I was not aware, however, that my phone(s) would do this until she figured it out. Of course.
    And as I was taking the phone away from her and admonishing her for whatever she was doing I faintly heard:
    “Ma’am? Ma’am?”
    (Inner panic) “OH. UM. Yeah… my 2 year old had the cell phone – sorry! No real emergency here, ahem.”
    Actually the first time I saw it ringing and hung up as quickly as I could. THEY CALLED BACK.
    The second was the conversation above.
    The third I played it cool, waiting for them to answer and then politely explained that I had handed my two year old the phone while I was buckling her in, and even though it was locked she managed to press and hold the 9 key, and I was deeply sorry for the disturbance since I know that are busy with real emergencies and all. :P

  37. 73

    Growin' with it says

    you’ve got to be kidding! i’d have a hard time not thinking that the pastor was REALLY looking at me in his next sermon! pretty cute kiddo you have there!

  38. 75

    says

    Although the lock button is great for older kids, for younger it doesn’t mean much… my friend and her husband both had to replace their phones because of water damage. Not because their daughter put it in the toilet, or ran the hose on it, but because she drooled so darn much. Ouch.

  39. 76

    says

    Thanks for the laugh Kristen! My 3 year old called a co-worker last week and left a 10 minute voice mail message. I hope your day got better!

  40. 79

    says

    I seriously laughed at your pain…in fact, I think I’m still laughing…
    yup, still going…

    Kim @ What’s That Smell?

  41. 81

    says

    Are you sure you’re not talking about my 1 year old? Except he’s a crazy boy instead of a crazy girl? And he climbs the stairs instead of the chair? And he EATS my phone – yes eats, and breaks the screen – when I surrender and let him play with it?

    Yeah. I feel you. Good stuff. :-)

  42. 83

    says

    You are hysterical! I laugh out loud all the time reading your blog. Thank you for lightening up my day a bit by sharing your life with us! And thanks for the tips…I have replaced 2 cell phones now from toddler DROOL (cell phones also do not make good teething toys). First time shame on them…second, shame on me!!!!

    Blessings to you!
    Leah

  43. 84

    says

    OMG! Too good! I am soooo glad no one has ever gotten to hear me intose moments! You must have been embarassed, huh? LOL

    Your girl sounds like my boys! Into everything and hard to redirect. It makes for a fun time by all.

  44. 85

    says

    You’re post (and the super glue post) made me laugh like no other blog post has! You’ve earned a place on my blogroll and I’m subscribing to your blog!

    (I’ve always been afraid that my son will call China on my phone…I guess now I know it will be the pastor ROFL)

  45. 86

    says

    Oh, I found you today through Gotta Grow With It. Love what I have read already. My two littlest upended a grocery cart in the local pharmacy today- I understand not feeling adequate. I love the your story here- so funny!

  46. 87

    says

    oh gosh. You are always good for a laugh. I mean, a er ‘tip’. :)
    You know why this post is so popular with us mommies, don’t you? Other than that we love to talk, I mean share. We’ve been there!

    Have you ever thought of a forum? Or a kind of place for your bloggie readers to hang out and meet each other?

    No? Okay. I can’t help myself: my cell phone story: When all else fails, I too have given my child my cell phone (at least I was in the grocery store):) My toddler is calling every man in the grocery store “daddy!” I’m thinking – “Ah, isn’t that cute? She misses her daddy.” (who’s away on business – out of town – long distance – not including air time – get it?)

    Yup, it took 3 phone calls to daddy before he got ahold of me – at some point she must have hung up on him, and he managed to get through to me. Lesson learned. Well, not really. I learn the hard way…

  47. 90

    says

    Oh My Goodness! This is so funny to read…I’m sure it was not so funny for you in the moment, though. I just found your blog and it is great! I’ll be back to read some more :)

  48. 91

    says

    OK that’s just hilarious! Maybe next time try an old dead cell phone? My 3-year-old has her own phone (an old dead one) and loves it. LOL.

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