Dear Mr. Fly,
In an effort to explain my children’s recent behavior, I must start at the beginning.
A week ago, my family drove 40 minutes to the Ikea mega store. We only go a few times a year, so I’m sure you can imagine my shopping excitement. But as soon as we arrived, my sweet son became ill. My hubby, who understands my deep-seeded shopping issues, encouraged me to make a quick run through the store with the other children, while he tended our son.
Well. That was a lot of pressure. With such a limited window of time, I hurried through the enormous store and grabbed a few items from the $1.99 bins. And that’s when I discovered this:
I didn’t travel all that way in order to buy a fly swatter. But it was pink. And it was a $1.99. And it was a twin pack. No further explanation needed.
Once I got home, I put away my new packages of napkins and paper plates and the $.99 tote bags. (Of course, I threw away the one my son puked in on the way home. I’m not that frugal). I stuck the fly swatters on top of the ‘fridge.
Even though it’s terribly hot here, I like to pretend there is a breeze and open my back door so I can keep an eye on my kids playing in the backyard. Some of your friends take the opportunity to make themselves at home.
Now, I’m not a calloused person. I care for God’s creatures. While you’re not my favorite, I don’t want to kill you. But unfortunately, every time you land on something in my home, my kids scream, “Poop! Every time a fly lands, he poops!” Sometimes they throw the word, “vomit” in there, too.
Well. Since we’re up to our ears in poop & vomit most days, I couldn’t exactly encourage this.
So, I gave my kids each a pink fly swatter and taught them how to use it.
Not my finest parenting moment.
But I would like to apologize, Mr. Fly, because I got busy cooking dinner and I eventually noticed my children were missing.
I was shocked to discover them in the back yard.
With the swatters.
They killed your cousin and your aunt and probably, your grandpa.
I even heard my daughter say, “Die, fly. I don’t even care if you have a family.”
She was rebuked and the swatters were taken away.
I hope you can forgive us.