To Whom It May Concern

Dear Mr. Fly,

In an effort to explain my children’s recent behavior, I must start at the beginning.
A week ago, my family drove 40 minutes to the Ikea mega store.  We only go a few times a year, so I’m sure you can imagine my shopping excitement.  But as soon as we arrived, my sweet son became ill.  My hubby, who understands my deep-seeded shopping issues, encouraged me to make a quick run through the store with the other children, while he tended our son.
Well.  That was a lot of pressure.  With such a limited window of time, I hurried through the enormous store and grabbed a few items from the $1.99 bins.  And that’s when I discovered this:
I didn’t travel all that way in order to buy a fly swatter.  But it was pink.  And it was a $1.99. And it was a twin pack.  No further explanation needed.
Once I got home, I put away my new packages of napkins and paper plates and the $.99 tote bags.  (Of course, I threw away the one my son puked in on the way home.  I’m not that frugal). I stuck the fly swatters on top of the ‘fridge.
Even though it’s terribly hot here, I like to pretend there is a breeze and open my back door so I can keep an eye on my kids playing in the backyard.  Some of your friends take the opportunity to make themselves at home.
Now, I’m not a calloused person.  I care for God’s creatures. While you’re not my favorite, I don’t want to kill you.  But unfortunately, every time you land on something in my home, my kids scream, “Poop!  Every time a fly lands, he poops!” Sometimes they throw the word, “vomit” in there, too.
 
Well.  Since we’re up to our ears in poop & vomit most days, I couldn’t exactly encourage this.
So, I gave my kids each a pink fly swatter and taught them how to use it.  
Not my finest parenting moment.
But I would like to apologize, Mr. Fly, because I got busy cooking dinner and I eventually noticed my children were missing. 
I was shocked to discover them in the back yard.
With the swatters.
They killed your cousin and your aunt and probably, your grandpa.  
I even heard my daughter say, “Die, fly.  I don’t even care if you have a family.”
She was rebuked and the swatters were taken away.
I hope you can forgive us.
Yours truly,
THAT family

Comments

  1. 2

    says

    Oh what vicious, horrible children. It reflects badly on their upbringing :)

    1. Love Ikea. Wish I lived there. Ours is about 40 minutes away too. Apparently my backyard wasn’t big enough for them to use despite my repeated emails and letters.

    2. My kids scream the same thing when they see a fly, consequently all flies in my home die quickly.

    3. Never thought of having the kids do my dirty work. Nice idea.

    4. You are hilarious, and quite possibly my fave blogger in the universe.

  2. 3

    says

    Oh, I so want to visit the Ikea store soon. The closest one to me is in Atlanta.

    My son, the germ freak, will not touch anything a fly lands on. I should probably get him his own swatter too.

    I’m not sure you saw it, but I composed a letter on my blog Wednesday of this week!

  3. 4

    says

    I feel the exact same way about flies! lol
    And my kids were terrified of them until I taught them the song, “Shoo Fly” which is what they now call all flies. Now if I could only get them to stop screaming at the sight of moths, and that bees are NOT our friends, we’ll be good.

  4. 8

    says

    Thats so funny! We have some in the shape of guitars and we had to designate which guitar had guts on it and which guitar was for air guitar practice. That trial and error was fun!

    Thanks for your advice on Number two’s sleeping. I will take notes and keep you posted!

    -J.Danger

  5. 10

    Mrs. Querido says

    Around here it is ants…my boys kill ants for entertainment. Now I have tried to get through to them that OUTSIDE ants are fine…INSIDE ants are dead. We’re still working out the details…lol!

  6. 12

    says

    Very funny! I have always thought flies were so gross. Yes, IKEA is the greatest store. I’m so glad we have one right off I-75 here in Atlanta. I wonder if mommies still use fly swatters for popping little calves when there’s some misbehavin’. I guess that’s abuse now. :) Love your blog.

  7. 13

    says

    You can redeem yourself now and turn those fly swatters into giant bubble wands.

    My sister lives 5 minutes from an Ikea but it is an hour from my house. I’m jealous of her. When I was first married I had to negotiate Ikea trips. If I “made” my husband take me to Ikea then I had to go with him to the golf store across the street. It seemed like a fair compromise.

  8. 15

    says

    Die FLY I don’t care if you have a family!
    That is very funny! I hate fly’s and I too like to pretend it’s cold outside and leave the door open to see the children, and they little pests just creep in…

  9. 17

    says

    Fun idea with fly swatters…

    Using a CLEAN swatter is best…

    Pour blowing bubbles solution into a flat-ish container. Dip in swatter – then wave the swatter around and millions (well not quite that many) of tiny bubbles go flying around.

    Flies just seem so filthy don’t they?

  10. 19

    says

    Okay, that is hysterical. In my family, the kids would do the same thing…but my husband would be the ringleader. I envision him with holsters on each side and a hero complex ridding the world of vomit carrying flies everywhere!

  11. 20

    says

    I do the same thing with the back door.

    My kids used to be terrified of bugs, so I made them watch a Magic School Bus video about bugs and they loved it. When they saw a bug and freaked out I’d tell them, “he’s just looking for his mommy and daddy, leave him alone!”

    But the other day I found my 2yo kneeling over a winged ant, a murderous expression on her face, pounding its tiny head and saying “die you yucky bug! Die!!!”

  12. 25

    says

    Ok, I love God’s creatures too, but send our kids my way and they can swat all the flies they want with no rebuke from me. In fact, I will join them. I am tired of all the flies in my house and my three acres as well!!!! =)

  13. 26

    says

    I have a secret love affair with IKEA…they just recently opened one up near our home….shh..don’t tell my hubby.

    This is why I’m counting down the days till school starts. My daughter will be in school all day next year and I can spend an entire day in IKEA all by myself if I want to. *sigh* soon IKEA, soon.

  14. 34

    says

    Too, too funny! Thanks for the laugh. We have 3 swatters in my house – all different sizes depending on the size of the flying enemy. I have a strict rule – only squash those inside – when outside they are off limits.

    PS: I tagged you for a short MeMe – hope you don’t mind, but I thought your answer would be a good one.

  15. 35

    says

    I would have been so proud. And probably encouraged them to find said family to kill those, too. We just have Too. Many. Flies.

    I guess I’m just a cold blooded killer.

  16. 36

    says

    I’ve been lurking for quite some time, but I must tell you that you make me laugh! And that’s one of my most favorite things to do in life. That and kill flies!

  17. 37

    says

    Is there not an exception somewhere for flies???? They are really really gross, and they have all those eyes. They weird me out, flying around like they do.

    Why is it that when you are awake you have to hunt them down, but when your asleep they land on your head??

  18. 46

    says

    I am gasping for air! I agree with Nester, you are brilliant. Great post. Poor fly–being attacked in his own territory…have your kids ever see the Ant Bully? I have not, but the title makes me think it may be worth a check out.

  19. 47

    says

    VERY funny! I love the shopping while your husband took care of your ill little one, I love that he understood and you went. I think it’s hysterical that they took fly killing to a new level. :0)

  20. 49

    says

    I’m on the “die flys” band wagon!

    As much as I’d love to be the proud owner of a pink fly swatter, I found one at Walmart that looks like a mini tennis racquet and it zaps the fly when you swat it. I like that….no more fly guts on my kitchen counter.

  21. 50

    says

    I do not think you owe Mr. Fly an apology. At. All.

    That is exactly what my kiddos scream when they see a fly and they have my full support to hate them. No fly remains alive here if he crosses the threshold. And I have no qualms about killing them outside. As a matter of fact, we killed 4 in here yesterday.

    Die, fly, die!!

  22. 53

    says

    For shame! It’s OK though, I’m sure it had nothing to do with your parenting skills.

    Be blessed.

    Jen

    psst…Daughter of Kristen… thank you for your spot on aim. That was a few less flys/flies ? at my fammily 4th of July picnic. I think she hung the swatters on that hook in the cleaning supply closet, so, if you find it, feel free to kill some more pests! But ssshhhhhh, this conversation DIN’T HAPPEN.

  23. 55

    says

    I was smiling while I read your entire post but when I got to the “Die, fly! I don’t even care if you have family” part… I lost it! I am laughing uproarously and now I need to read this to hubby…

  24. 58

    says

    I love IKEA, you just pushed me into really needing to go again.

    Do you want to send your kids on a trip to NY? I have some ants that could practice on!

  25. 60

    says

    HA HA HA. Now could you send your kids over to my house b/c there is a fly that took up residency yesterday and no matter how many times we’ve tried to evict him, he remains.

  26. 62

    says

    when we were kids we would get bored (at the stables, after riding.) and pull WINGS off flies. PLENTY of flies at the barn. I shudder at the thought now.
    But squishing them with a swatter? No problem-o…….

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