Comments on: He Said/She Said (7): Warning Signs http://wearethatfamily.com/2010/02/he-saidshe-said-7-warning-signs/ ... you know the ones. Sat, 11 Feb 2012 06:55:04 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Anonymous http://wearethatfamily.com/2010/02/he-saidshe-said-7-warning-signs/comment-page-1/#comment-4540 Anonymous Sun, 28 Feb 2010 12:39:22 +0000 http://localhost:8888/kristen2/?p=103#comment-4540 we are in the middle of the battle for our marriage over the same issue. we are on round two and though there was supernatural forgiveness and oneness restored the "first" round, i am feeling so hurt and shamed this second time. and sometimes even Godly men who have repented and are fighting lust with their whole heart, have "another round". oh that we could defeat the enemy once and for all! but Jesus did--didn't He?!i guess we will await heaven for that. anyway, i have intentionally prayed and forgiven and worked against fear and bitterness and shame. my husband HAS repented and is doing all he can to earn back trust. but i still weep after we come together. weep for what is not--will never be again. innocent, pure, faithful, true. i still fill dread and shame and insecurity wash over me at odd times (when we are out in public and he puts his arm around me and looks at me with love--weird, i know.)but as i was struggling with those feelings and trying to make them go away and PRAYING and pleading with God to restore our relationship...i thought that maybe forgiveness isn't a once done thing--maybe it is a continual obedience even when i don't feel like it. maybe i need to lay myself down and spread my arms wide and embrace all of this--hurts, disappointments, betrayal, dirt, smudges, and shame--all of it. and know that He is God. He can use it all, He WILL use it all for His good. I don't need to have all the forgiveness "feelings" or be free/healed/instantly removed from all the consequences from his sin right away. maybe it isn't just a nice tidy thing. maybe it is messy and burnt and ugly. maybe God will bring beauty out of it all despite us--weak, fallible, forgetful and flawed as we are. maybe? is there hope? i believe, help me with my unbelief Lord. it is so hard so hard so very hard in the trenches just now. we are in the middle of the battle for our marriage over the same issue. we are on round two and though there was supernatural forgiveness and oneness restored the "first" round, i am feeling so hurt and shamed this second time. and sometimes even Godly men who have repented and are fighting lust with their whole heart, have "another round". oh that we could defeat the enemy once and for all! but Jesus did–didn't He?!i guess we will await heaven for that. anyway, i have intentionally prayed and forgiven and worked against fear and bitterness and shame. my husband HAS repented and is doing all he can to earn back trust. but i still weep after we come together. weep for what is not–will never be again. innocent, pure, faithful, true. i still fill dread and shame and insecurity wash over me at odd times (when we are out in public and he puts his arm around me and looks at me with love–weird, i know.)but as i was struggling with those feelings and trying to make them go away and PRAYING and pleading with God to restore our relationship…i thought that maybe forgiveness isn't a once done thing–maybe it is a continual obedience even when i don't feel like it. maybe i need to lay myself down and spread my arms wide and embrace all of this–hurts, disappointments, betrayal, dirt, smudges, and shame–all of it. and know that He is God. He can use it all, He WILL use it all for His good. I don't need to have all the forgiveness "feelings" or be free/healed/instantly removed from all the consequences from his sin right away. maybe it isn't just a nice tidy thing. maybe it is messy and burnt and ugly. maybe God will bring beauty out of it all despite us–weak, fallible, forgetful and flawed as we are. maybe? is there hope? i believe, help me with my unbelief Lord. it is so hard so hard so very hard in the trenches just now.

]]> By: Kristen http://wearethatfamily.com/2010/02/he-saidshe-said-7-warning-signs/comment-page-1/#comment-4541 Kristen Fri, 26 Feb 2010 08:32:50 +0000 http://localhost:8888/kristen2/?p=103#comment-4541 Andrea-I emailed you with some encouraging words. Andrea-I emailed you with some encouraging words.

]]> By: Anonymous http://wearethatfamily.com/2010/02/he-saidshe-said-7-warning-signs/comment-page-1/#comment-4542 Anonymous Fri, 26 Feb 2010 08:31:08 +0000 http://localhost:8888/kristen2/?p=103#comment-4542 Andrea, the trust comes over time...if he is WILLING to do what ever it takes!! In our case my hubby appeased my every insecurity, he was willing to do what ever it took every day to make ME feel comfortable, to make me feel that TRUST again. It certainly didn't happen over night, and took a long long time, but day by day it got easier and easier to trust him again. But THE BIGGEST SINGLE factor was, he did NOT fight any of it, he did what ever it took to put my mind at ease.<br />I don't think you can really build the trust again with out that kind of commitment from him.<br /><br />(posting anonymously because I haven't really shared much of this part of my marriage) Andrea, the trust comes over time…if he is WILLING to do what ever it takes!! In our case my hubby appeased my every insecurity, he was willing to do what ever it took every day to make ME feel comfortable, to make me feel that TRUST again. It certainly didn't happen over night, and took a long long time, but day by day it got easier and easier to trust him again. But THE BIGGEST SINGLE factor was, he did NOT fight any of it, he did what ever it took to put my mind at ease.
I don't think you can really build the trust again with out that kind of commitment from him.

(posting anonymously because I haven't really shared much of this part of my marriage)

]]> By: Andrea H http://wearethatfamily.com/2010/02/he-saidshe-said-7-warning-signs/comment-page-1/#comment-4543 Andrea H Thu, 25 Feb 2010 19:49:32 +0000 http://localhost:8888/kristen2/?p=103#comment-4543 Because of past history I struggle with the trust issue every single day. I hate it! I want to trust so bad but I am afraid to get comfortable again and be hurt. <br /><br />How do you overcome it? Because of past history I struggle with the trust issue every single day. I hate it! I want to trust so bad but I am afraid to get comfortable again and be hurt.

How do you overcome it?

]]> By: Anonymous http://wearethatfamily.com/2010/02/he-saidshe-said-7-warning-signs/comment-page-1/#comment-4544 Anonymous Thu, 25 Feb 2010 14:22:08 +0000 http://localhost:8888/kristen2/?p=103#comment-4544 If your husband cheats on you, porn is the least of your problems. If your husband cheats on you, porn is the least of your problems.

]]> By: Anonymous http://wearethatfamily.com/2010/02/he-saidshe-said-7-warning-signs/comment-page-1/#comment-4545 Anonymous Thu, 25 Feb 2010 12:36:45 +0000 http://localhost:8888/kristen2/?p=103#comment-4545 In my oppinion, in a marriage relationship, privacy is not part of the equation. An exception to this is if you do not want to know all of the details AND your husband is actvely involved in accountability group. <br /><br />I have given Kristen the right to ask me about this situation or any other issue any time she wants. I believe this does three things: 1. It maintains intamacy 2. It builds trust 3. It gives my wife security (one of the deepest needs for a woman)<br /><br />Lastly, my deepest desire is to honor Christ. When I am open with my wife, I am honoring Him and my marriage. (see Ephesians 5:25-33<br /><br />We are praying for you,<br />Terrell In my oppinion, in a marriage relationship, privacy is not part of the equation. An exception to this is if you do not want to know all of the details AND your husband is actvely involved in accountability group.

I have given Kristen the right to ask me about this situation or any other issue any time she wants. I believe this does three things: 1. It maintains intamacy 2. It builds trust 3. It gives my wife security (one of the deepest needs for a woman)

Lastly, my deepest desire is to honor Christ. When I am open with my wife, I am honoring Him and my marriage. (see Ephesians 5:25-33

We are praying for you,
Terrell

]]> By: Anonymous http://wearethatfamily.com/2010/02/he-saidshe-said-7-warning-signs/comment-page-1/#comment-4546 Anonymous Thu, 25 Feb 2010 10:27:07 +0000 http://localhost:8888/kristen2/?p=103#comment-4546 So here's my question... when does it become OK for the husband to desire some privacy again? <br /><br />If the wife is still insecure about "it" even after she feels she's forgiven, but still wants the ability to check up on him every once in a while, and he throws it back in her face that she's not letting it go, when does that privacy come back?<br /><br />When does the wife need to "let it go" and "move on" if she's seen significant improvement.<br /><br />Just like you said that you woke up insecure 4 years ago. Seems like there should be a statue of limitations or something lol :) So here's my question… when does it become OK for the husband to desire some privacy again?

If the wife is still insecure about "it" even after she feels she's forgiven, but still wants the ability to check up on him every once in a while, and he throws it back in her face that she's not letting it go, when does that privacy come back?

When does the wife need to "let it go" and "move on" if she's seen significant improvement.

Just like you said that you woke up insecure 4 years ago. Seems like there should be a statue of limitations or something lol :)

]]> By: mama hall http://wearethatfamily.com/2010/02/he-saidshe-said-7-warning-signs/comment-page-1/#comment-4547 mama hall Thu, 25 Feb 2010 08:28:41 +0000 http://localhost:8888/kristen2/?p=103#comment-4547 I am inspired, encouraged, thankful, and AMAZED at how raw, honest and true you & your hubby are in this series. You are doing a wonderful work together to glorify God and the sacredness of marriage. I pray that other couples are blessed by every intimate story that you share here. Thank you and God bless yall! <br /><br />PS: I noticed his weight loss right away - great job! I am inspired, encouraged, thankful, and AMAZED at how raw, honest and true you & your hubby are in this series. You are doing a wonderful work together to glorify God and the sacredness of marriage. I pray that other couples are blessed by every intimate story that you share here. Thank you and God bless yall!

PS: I noticed his weight loss right away – great job!

]]> By: Anonymous http://wearethatfamily.com/2010/02/he-saidshe-said-7-warning-signs/comment-page-1/#comment-4548 Anonymous Thu, 25 Feb 2010 07:41:53 +0000 http://localhost:8888/kristen2/?p=103#comment-4548 I'm commenting anonymously because it's not my husband but my son who struggles with this. I distinctly remember finding a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue hidden in his room when he was about 15--I laughed, even thought it was "cute", my little boy was growing up. Now I realize that was only the beginning and here we are 13 years later with him still fighting those demons that were awoken back then.<br /><br />He married last August and I was praying that would be the end of it. Going through this series with you has helped me know that the battle is never over. One day when the time is right, I'll share your words with my precious son. I've already shared them with a friend who is in your shoes but whose husband doesn't think he has a problem.<br /><br />Thanks to both of you for your honesty and courage. God bless. I'm commenting anonymously because it's not my husband but my son who struggles with this. I distinctly remember finding a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue hidden in his room when he was about 15–I laughed, even thought it was "cute", my little boy was growing up. Now I realize that was only the beginning and here we are 13 years later with him still fighting those demons that were awoken back then.

He married last August and I was praying that would be the end of it. Going through this series with you has helped me know that the battle is never over. One day when the time is right, I'll share your words with my precious son. I've already shared them with a friend who is in your shoes but whose husband doesn't think he has a problem.

Thanks to both of you for your honesty and courage. God bless.

]]> By: Harper http://wearethatfamily.com/2010/02/he-saidshe-said-7-warning-signs/comment-page-1/#comment-4549 Harper Thu, 25 Feb 2010 03:45:04 +0000 http://localhost:8888/kristen2/?p=103#comment-4549 Kuddos to both of you in doing this. While this has not been a problem in my marriage, I have been following the series. <br /><br />I found this week's vlog especially useful, as my dh and I sometimes help parents with their teenage sons. The jpeg search idea is a good one. I just thought I'd add that you may also want to search for tif and gif files. Most computers can resave images as different types than their originals (I sometimes do this with my photos just to make the files smaller), and it is very easy to do with any image editing software.<br /><br />Way to go on the weight loss, too! Kuddos to both of you in doing this. While this has not been a problem in my marriage, I have been following the series.

I found this week's vlog especially useful, as my dh and I sometimes help parents with their teenage sons. The jpeg search idea is a good one. I just thought I'd add that you may also want to search for tif and gif files. Most computers can resave images as different types than their originals (I sometimes do this with my photos just to make the files smaller), and it is very easy to do with any image editing software.

Way to go on the weight loss, too!

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