I try on clothes before the conference, sucking in tummy, turning to get a side view. “What do you think?” I ask him in a hesitant, unsure tone. He smiles. I let out a grumble and head back to my closet.
My 3 year old is trying on my shoes and my 10 year old is looking in the mirror, checking our her side view.
I struggle to esteem myself. I don’t think I’m ugly, but sometimes when I see myself in a photograph, I’m surprised that I look pretty.
But raising daughters is teaching me that if I esteem myself, my girls will too.
Look at these alarming facts:
92% of teen girls would like to change something about the way they look, with body weight ranking the highest.
75% of teenage girls felt ‘depressed, guilty and shameful’ after spending just three minutes leafing through a fashion magazine.
70% of girls ages 15 to 17 avoid normal daily activities such as attending school, going to the doctor, or even giving their opinion “due to feeling badly about one’s looks.”
61% of all women and 69 % of girls (15 to 17) feel that their mother has had a positive influence on their feelings about themselves and their beauty.
Nearly 1/4 would consider undergoing plastic surgery.
Only 2% of women describe themselves as “beautiful”
Not only do women agree that happiness is the primary element making a woman beautiful, but they strongly agree that they themselves feel most beautiful when they are happy and fulfilled in their lives (86%). Women want younger generations of girls and women to inherit this broader concept of beauty, with 82% strongly agreeing that, “If I had a daughter, I would want her to feel beautiful, even if she was not physically attractive.”
While only 19% of teenage girls are “overweight,” 67% think they “need to lose weight” (UK Teen Body Image Survey, January 2004)
National Association for Self-Esteem:
90% of eating disorders are found in girls
Tipping The Scales Of Justice:
A majority of 5-year-olds would rather lose an arm than be fat.
Girls Scouts:
On one hand girls are told to be happy the way they are, and on the other hand, they are given the message that being “overweight” is unhealthy and unattractive.
The more physically active girls are, the greater their self-esteem and the more satisfied they are with their weight, regardless of how much they weigh.
Yet 40% of girls ages 11-17 say they do not play sports because they do not feel skilled or competent and 23% do not think their bodies look good.
Girls’ view physical and emotional health as closely connected. For example, more than 1/3 of girls ages 11–17 reported eating more when they are “stressed out” and overweight girls are more than twice as likely as girls who are not overweight to report eating more in times of stress.
More than 60% of teenage girls skip breakfast at least once a week and nearly 20% skip it every day.
A mother’s weight, body image, attitude, and health habits are strong indicators of whether her daughter is overweight, satisfied with her body, and physically active. Girls look to their mothers for advice on healthy living. A daughter’s dissatisfaction with her weight is greater if her mother is also dissatisfied with her own weight, in spite of how much a daughter actually weighs.
(Statistics by Dove Campaign for Real Beauty (Unilever) “Beyond Stereotypes: Rebuilding the Foundation of Beauty Beliefs”) as found on Respect RX
Our daughters are watching us, taking their cues. We want to raise beautiful, healthy, happy, strong girls.
The next time you see your daughter standing at her closet door, fixing her hair for fifth time, lean in and whisper, “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.”
Then say it to yourself.
Believe it. And she will too.
So true…….”believe it and she will too.” Thank you for the reminder!!!
Great post, Kristen. I try to remember to tell my 3 year old that she is beautiful every day. Every once in a while she will respond with “I know”. LOL!
This post reminded me of a friend recently telling me about this…. http://operationbeautiful.com/
I am stocking up on postie notes!
I love this!
Yes! Yes! Amen Amen Amen.
Amen Kristen! I struggle with self esteem issues. I need to stop saying “I would be so pretty if…” and start saying “I’m pretty. Period.” My baby girl is due at the end of December and I don’t want her to struggle the way I did growing up. There will be alot of affirmation in our house, but I need to believe it for myself if it’s going to stick. Thank you for the word today. Posting this to my facebook feed.
Thank you for this post! Attitudes learned in childhood are hard to get rid of in adulthood! Yesterday I was at the gym for a required college PE course. I always feel a little embarrassed when I walk into the exercise room because, you got it, I’m not too comfortable in my form-fitted, curves-revealed workout clothes. Then, about halfway through my workout, I caught sight of myself in the mirror and I was shocked to realize I looked STRONG. I looked ACTIVE. I didn’t see too-large that or misshapen-this on my body in the mirror; I just saw a person who was lifting weights and looked like she was having fun. That was a nice moment.
This is so, so important (and a reason I’m terrified of having daughters someday!). Thank you for speaking out about this problem most women don’t even think about.
Great post Kristen and a good reminder to me. I often make negative comments to myself in front of my girls and I need to stop that. Thanks!
Just a note – Eating disorders are not about looks or feeling pretty – they are about control. But on everything else – I SO AGREE! We need to be careful about what message we are sending our girls about beauty.
I see what you mean by disorders being about control, but I do think MOST of it is about looks and feeling pretty. I have never had an eating disorder, but I have had friends who have, and I used to contemplate it. I don’t anymore, but I do know it’s only because I see images of gorgeous, thin women on magazine covers and ads, and it makes me feel uncomfortable with my “gut.” I’m sixteen, and I think, at least for teens, it IS about looks. We are so hopelessly inundated with skinnies from every angle, and men are becoming wired by these ads to believe that that’s true beauty, so it makes us want to looks exactly that way so that we will be desired. I don’t think it’s mostly control, I think it’s mostly looks. Weight is a constant battle for me, and it’s just absolutely about looks when I worry about my tummy or my thighs, and I will admit that right now. I have plenty of control in my life, or as much as I could need but not more, and I really think it’s looks. It’s such a sadly integral part of “culture-beauty” these days, and it’s horrifying.
-Caroline
Thank you SO much for this post!! I have 3 girls and self esteem has always been a struggle for me. I want to break that cycle in my beautiful precious baby girls and your blog has inspired me!! Thanks Again!!
amen. Thank you so much for sharing this.
I shared similar thoughts here:
http://adorkable-me.blogspot.com/2010/10/one-with-girls-questioning-gods.html
and here:
http://wechasetheson.blogspot.com/2010/10/on-beauty-of-woman.html
As a child raised in an abusive environment, self-esteem and self-image were destroyed, and I did everything I could to hide my beauty for survival. It’s just in the past year that I’ve learned to overcome this and celebrate who I am as a woman, and I pray that I can finally be a healthy example for my daughter and for the daughter we’ll be adopting soon.
My nine month old daughter has Down syndrome. Every day I tell her how beautiful she is because I am afraid of the day when the general public might think otherwise. I love this post. What you have written is so true and inspiring.
I have become keenly aware of this while raising two girls. The “f” word (“fat”) is banned from our home (sometimes I have to remind my BFF of this when we start ranting). We try to model healthy lifestyles-both their father and I exercise regularly (which I never saw my parents do) and encourage them to make good food choices. Basically, we’re just trying to focus on health not weight, and we try to point out the beauty in all people–not the external stuff, but the traits that make them a beautiful person. It’s hard work….and exhausting, especially since I’m still working on correcting many of those issues within myself!
I have a pretty healthy self – esteem (no pun intended), and I hope that I am passing it on to my two daughters. We talk about being “healthy”, and all that involves: eating right, exercise, having good relationships with your friends, family and God.
And those shoes? Smokin’ hot!
As always Kristen, you inspire me! I have a 3 year old daughter and I never thought about how she sees me as her representation of beauty. I am going to start saying to myself what I always say to her after we get done fixing her hair, putting on an outfit: “Beautiful!”
“The next time you see your daughter standing at her closet door, fixing her hair for fifth time, lean in and whisper, “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.”
Then say it to yourself.
Believe it. And she will too.” Such an awesome thought!
I just had a little girl 2 months ago – thank you for an inspiring post! This is something Dad’s should read too – they can do so much to build up their daughters, too!
Reading this is kind of scary. I so want my girls (and boys for that matter) to know that they are beautiful and loved and worthy. I somehow managed to avoid most of those crippling self-doubts, and I want to help my kids have the same experience. I believe that so many of the problems we see regarding early pregnancy and domestic issues stem from girls not believing they are worthy of love. If we can get them to know they are beautiful and amazing just because they are children of God we can come so much closer to seeing His plan for us. Thanks for opening my eyes!
I vividly remember one particular time when I was a tween with a broken heart, crying on the couch. My mom was trying to comfort me and she said, “I don’t know why he doesn’t like you.” I’m sure the words I said back to her cut like a knife, but they were so true and what was really in my heart. I said, “Why would he think I’m pretty when my own mom has never even told me I am?” My mom had *never* told me she thought I was pretty or beautiful. My mom was a hippy in the biggest sense of the word and didn’t put any effort at all into physical appearance. It wasn’t important to her. But it was to me – not to be glamorous, but to feel pretty. It had a big impact on my. She told me that day, “Of course I think you’re pretty.” but in my mind she only said it because I wanted her to.
I have come to learn that I have both physical and inner beauty and God sees our beauty based on how we behave and treat others. That’s what I am teaching my daughters, both in words and (prayerfully) by example. But I still tell them that their hair is pretty, that they have a beautiful face, their skin is soft, and that I love the way God made them. I also tell them that they need to take care of the body God has given them by making good food choices, brushing their teeth, covering their bodies in modesty, etc.
I *do* think it’s important to provide a variety of praise and compliment to daughters. And I know how their smiles beam when they hear it.
This is beautiful. I hope my daughter never has my esteems issues. I make sure not to mention to her the things I think about myself and remind her how beautiful she is. I hope I am doing the right thing day after day.
BEAUTIFUL by Mercy Me
Days will come when you don’t have the strength
When all you hear is you’re not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they’d see too much
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You’re beautiful
And praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you’ve held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You’re beautiful
Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You’re the one He madly loves enough to die
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
In His eyes
You’re beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You’re beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
Listen to a sample here:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003IS3ZDK/klr-20/ref=nosim/
LOVE this! Thank you…going to play it for my daughter.
Another one I love -we love- is HEADPHONES by Britt Nicole
When I was five years old, I remember sitting at the TV crying. My mom walked in the room & asked what was wrong. I looked at her, and with absolute conviction said, “I’m fat.”
She then looked at me and replied with no hesitation, “then don’t eat the pies in the freezer.”
Even though she’s looked at me and called me beautiful since then, I still question. I still wonder. She’s also told me “I’ve let myself go” and “if I lost 30 lbs [she'd] pay for me to go on a cruise.” I shouldn’t be surprised – her parents are the ones who look at me and say, “you know you’d be a pretty girl if you lost a few lbs.”
It wasn’t until recently I realized my worth is found solely in Christ. Appreciation of man means nothing in light of my Savior taking delight in me. (Zephaniah 3:17) I can’t wait to have a daughter – I can’t wait to invest in her beauty & love of Christ. I can’t wait. You’re right – it makes all the difference in the world.
This is a GREAT post, Kristen.
Great, great post! Thanks so much! I have a daughter and I try to do and say the right things about self-image, I hope it’s working.
I would say this goes for gray hair and wrinkles too. Aging can be a wonderful thing. I want my daughter to see me age gracefully, not fighting to keep it at bay. Why can’t gray be beautiful? Get a cute hairdo and love it ladies!!!
I am sure that today more than 19% of American teens (male and felame) are overweight. And the Girl Scouts are right: being overweight IS unhealthy! One thing about esteem I have found is this: CONFIDENCE makes you attractive, no matter what you look like or what your weight is!