Many of you know our story.

It was painful to live, painful to tell. But with great pain, there is an opportunity for great healing.

And with healing there is testimony.

Through the process of nearly losing my marriage, I learned to fight for it.

With my marriage dangling by a thread, both of us broken and afraid, I remember declaring that I would not give up easily. I threw out all my preconceived ideas about marriage counseling,  not having enough money in savings to afford “help” and I went to battle, not against my husband, but with him.

The very fall of man, put husbands and wives at odds with each other. Marriage is not easy. At it’s best, it’s difficult.

But don’t be fooled:  Satan wants your marriage to fail. He is a vicious opponent without mercy. If you won’t fight for your marriage, he will.
I believe every marriage is worth fighting for and while some have Biblical reasons for divorce, I still believe God can rescue every marriage-IF- there are two willing people and sadly, that’s often not the case.

But if you are married-whatever condition your marriage may be in today-you need to fight for it.

How to really fight: [there are so many ways you can do this, here's what has helped me]:

• Ask hard questions-Is there intimacy in our marriage? Are there secrets?
• Prepare yourself for unexpected answers-don’t rule out counseling. It’s not just for broken marriages, it can truly make your marriage better.
• Trust -Believe in your spouse. Choose to trust.
• Pray-simply said, hardly done. Pray for your marriage and your mate.
• Eliminate distractions-turn off cable if it’s unhealthy, throw out edgy movies, only accept purity in your marriage.
• Don’t condemn-this only causes strife.
• Submit your marriage and your life to God. We have found the closer we are to God, the closer we are to each other.
• Forgive-some things seem unforgivable. But in the end, we must forgive. (This doesn’t mean we have to continue to live in abusive, dangerous or unfaithful marriages)
• Let your husband lead your home, submit to him on the big stuff. If you doubt him, pray that God will speak to him.

If you have an unbelieving husband, practice I Cor. 7.

Our marriage is not perfect and at this rate, it never will be, but it’s real and it’s good and it will last.

How do you really fight for your marriage?

I met him when I was 18 on my very first day of college. We attended a small private Bible School and I was the introvert in the room. He drew me out.

I was immediately attracted to his personality. And then his muscular tan legs. He was fun and social-everything I wasn’t.

We instantly became friends. It was three years before we became more than friends, but there was always a strong undercurrent in our relationship.

Then one day, he graduated from college and left for graduate school, I visited him.

We kissed.

[ELECTRICITY]

We married 87 days later.

I love my husband deeply. I loved him through a very dark period in our marriage. I’ve watched him fight the battle of his life and win. But we’re human. Selfishness creeps in and daily, we must choose love.

The book that made me a better wife: For Women Only, offers startling statistics about our husbands:

1000 men were asked to rate what was MOST important to them-what they really needed the most from their wives, basically, how they felt most loved, the results with #1 being the most important need:

5. I need her to understand my burden to provide/how draining my job is.

4. I need more sex.

3. I need more respect, in public and private.

2. I wish she’d make more of an effort to take care of herself.

And the number one need in the survey (or way we can really love our husbands) ….

1. I want her to know how much I love her.

He loves you. He may not show it the way you want or even need. But at his core, despite poor communication skills or your doubt–he loves you.

And that’s how we can really love our husbands, by accepting and believing in their love for us.

Ten tangible things you can do to really love him:

1. Kiss him 5 seconds longer than normal.
2. Pray for him.
3. Get dressed everyday.
4. Ask him about his work; listen to what he says.
5. Let him pick the movie.
6. Wear that tiny lacy thing in the back of your drawer.
7. Tell him you respect him-when he least expects it.
8. Randomly ask him a question about the bills or dinner or anything, naked.
9. Thank him for leading your family (even if he doesn’t do it like you would).
10. Don’t criticize him in front anyone-including your children.

How do you really love your husband?

[Note: We are learning how to really live together. This isn't an instruction guide. The posts in this series are my open journal. Please include your thoughts in the comments. Let's find out together how to really live!]

So. The other night one of my kids referred to The Passing of Gas. Only they didn’t quite say it like that. I was offended by the slang word they used and tried to think of a more appropriate word.

Because, y’all, it happens.

But we can still refer to it with class, ya know? Stick with me, there’s a point.

I was at a loss for just the right word and so I asked my hunk-o-man what his family said when such an occurrence happened.

And he looked a bit sheepish, running his thick hand thru his hair.
(He’s a stud, did I mention that?)

“We grew up saying “I let a windy.”

Yes, you read that right,

“I. LET. A. WINDY.”

Alone, those four simple words aren’t funny, but formed together and so unexpected, well, I ROLLED ON THE FLOOR.

ROFL.

We laughed and laughed and hiccuped from all the laughing. It was so inappropriate –this appropriate wording– coming from my handsome MAN. Oh and also, the conversation had to be CHANGEd. Because kids like to talk about this sort of thing.

But that’s how I want to really laugh.

Except in church. Because that is bad, y’all. [sidenote: why do I usually feel this kind of laughter bubbling up IN CHURCH?]

I’m pretty sure I added a year to my life that night because I felt younger and vibrant and happy from all that laughing.

Did you know that there are 42 verses on laughter in the Bible?

Plus, it’s proven to make your health better.

And, let’s be honest, it’s better than the alternative: crying, controlling, complaining…

So, how do we really laugh-not the mechanics of physical laughter, but the letting go:

Live in the Moment

Lighten Up

Let Yourself Have Fun

Live-we only have today-this moment. We spend so much our present worrying about the past or planning for the future that often forget to just stop and live. Today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present.

Lighten Up-If you like to control things (like me) then it’s time to lighten up. I have missed so many opportunities to laugh because I was sticking to the rules or propriety. I’m learning that letting go of control is about being more carefree.

Let- yourself have fun! If you ask my kids to define their parenting roles, they would say their dad is the fun parent. Mom takes care of everything. I want to change this. I want to give myself permission to leave it all-right there on the table or stuffed under their beds.

How do you (get to the place where you can) really laugh let a windy?

See? That’s funny. You should laugh.

Alternately titled : Crying in My Black Bean Soup

The last 4 (four) Saturdays, my kids have run rampant, watching too much TV, staying in pajamas all day, playing-fighting while Mom and Dad punched numbers, staring at computer screens.  (Grandparents were able to come to the rescue this past week!) But its been a hard month. It’s been tedious entering hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of $3, $10, $25 and $100+ donations into an accounting program for Mercy House and making it all balance.

Balance. We haven’t had it.

And can I just lay pretense aside and whisper hard words?  It’s the only time in this crazy, God-journey that I’ve wanted to walk away.

But instead, I’ve wiped away the tears of frustration and exhaustion and pressed in, thanking God for every dollar that has been given to Mercy House. Pushing the mom-guilt away, praying, while counting on God to give my kids grace to understand the road we are traveling.

Just before lunch last Saturday, we drug boxes into the living room from you. Childbirth kits, piles of umbilical cord clamps and stethoscopes. It’s a mountain of necessities that will save the lives of tiny African babies. My oldest asked a lot of questions as she fingered peri bottles and mesh underwear.

“What else do we need, Mom?” She asked as she pulled up the latest collection drive on the Internet. I don’t even remember my answer. Something I would regret.

Lunch time turned us to the table, black bean soup simmering, so we pushed boxes heavy laden with their live-saving resources into the garage. We broke away from the screens to eat together.

And that’s when my daughter pulled a folded bill from her pocket and laid it on the table.

I looked at her confused and she said, “I want to give this. I want to buy something needed for the maternity house. I can buy something with my money to help.” In an instant,  her questions made sense and I knew what this cost her. $10 dollars of her precious birthday money, counted and recounted, saving to furnish her doll house.

I started crying in my black bean soup.

My son, respect for his big sister in his eyes, “Mom, you know that $7 I have? I want to give it too. I want to help.”

Hot tears dripped.

The four year old taking in her siblings gifts and her Momma’s tears disappeared from the table

I blew my nose in my napkin. I marveled.

She returned and dumped her clenched fist of coins and lint in the center of the table.

“I want to help Mercy House too, Momma,” she said proudly.

My husband, holding back his own tears and laughter, said, “Thank you, honey. Where did you get that money?”

“From Momma’s purse.”

And we all laughed. Giggles and tears mixing.

I choked out “I love you” to the beautiful faces surrounding me. They get it. This isn’t my journey, it’s our journey. We are learning how to really give together.

It was a profound moment I will never forget it

I thought I knew something about giving. My kids know a lot more.

(And then they refused to try the black bean soup and had pb & j …. holy moment over, but sealed in my heart forever)

How to Really Give:

• Don’t limit your giving or make it fit into your pre-conceived ideas  -give of yourself, your time, your money, your life. Give more than feels comfortable.
• Involve your children-even let them lead you. There’s a reason God asks us to have child-like faith.
• Trust God-giving is partner to trust. We often don’t give because we don’t trust. It’s hard to really give with open hands when we’ve clenched our fists over what we possess.
• Don’t be surprised if you fall in love with giving! There’s something deeply spiritual and satisfying about letting it go and giving it away.

Opportunities to Give:

• Today is the 3rd day of the month. For just $3, you can join more than a hundred others and give $3 on the third of every month to remember and pray for the 3 girls raped in Kenya every 45 minutes. Giving doesn’t always have to be big to make a difference. Would you consider joining the Power of 3?
• February Collection Drive for Mercy House has begun!

And of course, there are countless other ways to give….sponsor a child through Compassion…giving locally to those in need. Look for opportunities and you will find them.

P.S. Tomorrow, I can’t wait to tell you about a family that has been instrumental in helping us with Mercy House. You may feel led to give to them. Can I encourage you to be open to God’s prodding? YOU will be blessed!