How to Really Fight For Your Marriage

Many of you know our story.

It was painful to live, painful to tell. But with great pain, there is an opportunity for great healing.

And with healing there is testimony.

Through the process of nearly losing my marriage, I learned to fight for it.

With my marriage dangling by a thread, both of us broken and afraid, I remember declaring that I would not give up easily. I threw out all my preconceived ideas about marriage counseling,  not having enough money in savings to afford “help” and I went to battle, not against my husband, but with him.

The very fall of man, put husbands and wives at odds with each other. Marriage is not easy. At it’s best, it’s difficult.

But don’t be fooled:  Satan wants your marriage to fail. He is a vicious opponent without mercy. If you won’t fight for your marriage, he will.
I believe every marriage is worth fighting for and while some have Biblical reasons for divorce, I still believe God can rescue every marriage-IF- there are two willing people and sadly, that’s often not the case.

But if you are married-whatever condition your marriage may be in today-you need to fight for it.

How to really fight: [there are so many ways you can do this, here’s what has helped me]:

  • Ask hard questions-Is there intimacy in our marriage? Are there secrets?
  • Prepare yourself for unexpected answers-don’t rule out counseling. It’s not just for broken marriages, it can truly make your marriage better.
  • Trust -Believe in your spouse. Choose to trust.
  • Pray-simply said, hardly done. Pray for your marriage and your mate.
  • Eliminate distractions-turn off cable if it’s unhealthy, throw out edgy movies, only accept purity in your marriage.
  • Don’t condemn-this only causes strife.
  • Submit your marriage and your life to God. We have found the closer we are to God, the closer we are to each other.
  • Forgive-some things seem unforgivable. But in the end, we must forgive. (This doesn’t mean we have to continue to live in abusive, dangerous or unfaithful marriages)
  • Let your husband lead your home, submit to him on the big stuff. If you doubt him, pray that God will speak to him.

If you have an unbelieving husband, practice I Cor. 7.

Our marriage is not perfect and at this rate, it never will be, but it’s real and it’s good and it will last.

How do you really fight for your marriage?

Comments

  1. 3

    says

    I can’t tell you enough how much I love when you post on marriage. You have a gift of putting the words perfectly on paper. This past year our marriage hit one of those “it won’t ever happen to us” bumps in the road. Reading your posts about your marriage encouraged me in ways that only God could provide. Thank you for your willingness to be so transparent. While the wounds are healing, I still find myself needing daily reminders that Satan will use anything available to get us back off track and we need to keep up the fight- daily.

  2. 4

    says

    Amen! Great post and great honesty. Our marriage could certainly use some work… A great reminder to pray every day….several times per day for my husband and our marriage! Thanks!

  3. 5

    karen says

    20+ years ago when I was newly married an older woman said that she had a rule to never speak negatively about her husband in public. If she had ‘grievances’ she would handle them with him in private. She was referring mainly to when groups of women get together and begin husband-bashing’ sessions….in the name of just having fun. I thought that sounded good and set my sights to do the same.

    It is quite the conversation killer to have girlfriends “disrespecting” their husbands and for me to just say something positive about the man I married. BUT….25 years later I am MOST happily married to a man who KNOWS he can trust that I build him up no matter where I am. HE LOVES THAT!

  4. 6

    Vanessa Gooch says

    Such a great post! When my husband and I got married, we really wanted our entrie wedding to emanate our strong belief that God is the head of this union and we wanted our family and friends to see that. Mostly because we are the only Christians in our family, as well, but I can’t say that it went over that way. Most family members were extremely upset because we served non-alcholoic beverages–in fact some didn’t even show up when they discovered that. I will say that our marriage has totally had its ups and downs and we have really had to fight for it. We have sought counselling, read numerous books and we pray (although not as much as we could). A couple things that have really helped us, is realizing that we are a family now, and that our family has to take priority. Too often we were bombarded with other family members trying to ‘bud’ in and tell us how things should be, or what to do. We have had to step back and put up some boundaries. We also got a book called “Every Marriage is a Fixer Upper”. I can’t remember who it is by, nor have I read the entire book, it is the title of the book that always sticks with me. I think that it reflects all relationships, not just marriage, in that we do have to work at it, we need to fix thigns up a bit, it is common maintenance. Thanks for the great post.

  5. 7

    says

    I’m a newlywed of 8 months- I have learned a lot and have a yet still to learn. It is so much harder and so much better than either one of us would have ever imagined. We say to each other every day “I’m so glad we’re married. I’m so glad you are my husband/wife.” I fail so often to honor my husband and respect him like he deserves, but he has been so gentle in telling me what hurts him and what I can do or say to show respect instead. God was good to me when he gave me my Matthew, I realize this more every day.
    Thank you for your words, Kristen. :-)

  6. 9

    Meagan says

    By being on his side.
    I’d never read your story until today — and it is my story, too. My husband has struggled (and sought to keep secret) with this issue for over 14 years, and although I’ve known (but also sought to keep secret) for nearly a year, it all hit the fan about a month ago.
    I am daily humbled by the way forgiveness has changed my heart and our marriage, and I seek daily to remind him and SHOW him that I am on his side, and will fight WITH him for his purity.
    I don’t understand it, but we too, in our brokenness, are experiencing intimacy like we’ve never known in 7 years of marriage. I am so grateful for God’s grace in our lives.

    • 10.1

      kristen says

      yep, exactly. That was definitely the hardest thing for me, but the great thing about trust? it grows when it’s well-watered and tended to

  7. 11

    says

    I love your marriage posts. While I don’t practice any religion I was raised CofE, but your sentiments are so similar to mine. I don’t understand people who don’t work at their marriage. It’s not going to be simple plain sailing forever, there will be storms to weather and hurdles to cross but it’ll usually be easier if you can do it together.

  8. 12

    says

    I fight for our marriage by duct taping my mouth shut. Speaking of which, I need to put duct tape on the grocery list. Thanks for the reminder.

  9. 14

    says

    we do a lot of praying together and a lot of talking together. We have been together 20 years and have our far share of ups and downs. We even talked divorce at one time, but knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. So we talked with a counselor and our pastor. Praising God we are still together!!!

  10. 16

    says

    What a great post. I thank God everyday for saving my marriage and for a husband who was willing to fight with me to put it back together. A wise person once told me a couple that prays together stays together. It was when we stopped praying together that it fell apart, thank goodness we have a God of forgiveness and grace.
    Hugs.

  11. 17

    says

    I fight for my marriage by making sure that my husband feels comfortable sharing the hard stuff with me. Your “story” could be my story, and I’ve learned how important it is to listen to my husband’s struggles without blowing up. I love what you said about being able to forgive because you’ve been forgiven. Sin is sin, and it’s so much easier to forgive when we realize how much we’ve been forgiven of ourselves. Great post!

  12. 18

    caitlin says

    To listen, and to control my tongue before I try and control the situation.

    You’re marriage posts, almost a year ago, gave me hope. My husband has struggled for SO long, decades, and I felt helpless and so did he. You’re marriage posts made me realize we were not alone and made me start to pray diligently for my marriage. I am so thankful for you Kristen. You have no idea how God used you in my life. It was God who saved my marriage but he used your words. I am SO thankful to you and your commitment. Act Justly, Love mercy. Keep the Faith Kristen, God is using you in amazing ways.

  13. 19

    stacy says

    Been there. Dealing with it as we speak and not knowing where God will take it…. It’s good to know there can be healing and forgiveness at some point in the journey.

  14. 20

    says

    Yes! All truth!
    I fight for my marriage by not shutting my husband out. I used to pout and withdraw and found in the end I was the one who suffered. Remaining vulnerable and open is so important to healing.
    He fights for me and my emotional health by taking me on dates, getting me out of the house. He’s got a great radar to know when I need that! :)
    We’ve read and participated in many of the popular Christian marriage books, classes. They are each helpful in their own way. Right now my husband and I are listening to Mark Driscoll’s sermon series, A Peasant Princess. We love it! We’ve grown in ways we didn’t know were needed. I think the process of becoming one is never ending, and when both work at it, the effort leads to new intimacy and greater, deeper love.

  15. 22

    says

    Your blog is a breath of fresh air to me. Thanks for this post. I’m in a wonderful season of my marriage right now, and I fight hard to keep it there. I do know there will most likely be more difficult seasons in our future, so I’m thankful for Christian women like you to encourage me and hold me accountable.

  16. 24

    angie says

    love it, thank you for sharing your story (mine is also very similar).

    i heard the same reminder in church today, “if you don’t fight for your marriage, satan will!”

  17. 25

    Jenni says

    It is all about choice. God has taught me more about this over the past few months than I ever thought He could. I choose to love my husband whether he deserves it or not. I choose to trust him whether he deserves it or not. I choose to forgive him whether he deserves it or not. I deny myself and choose those things which bring me into obedience to God. If my actions take me out of God’s will for my marriage, then I repent and attempt not to repeat it again. For the first time in five years since I got married I have contentment. I am looking after my relationship with my Lord God Jesus Christ– I have stopped attempting to “fix” my husband and my circumtances– it cannot be done at all except by God. I pray that you all come to this at some point, if you don’t God will bring you to a point when you will. It is all God’s time, it took me five years.

  18. 27

    John says

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m in the midst of fighting for a marriage and my wife who has cut all communication with me. I’ve written letters, expressed remorse and asked forgiveness for my failures as a husband but my wife is seemingly set on a divorce. She is a Christian and this makes it difficult for me to accept. I have been more of a wishy washy Christian but I have recently renewed my faith and accepted Christ into my life. I have decided to love my wife unconditionally even if she doesn’t see it. God has helped me find peace once I surrendered myself to him. I feel a renewal in my spirit that only God could have allowed and I’m thankful. I pray that God soften my wife’s heart. Please pray for my wife and our marriage.

    Thank you.

    • 27.1

      SuzanneM says

      If you have not seen the movie Fireproof and learned about The Love Dare you need to check it out.

  19. 28

    Rachel says

    This is an awesome post on marriage. I truly know how you feel and I agree with all things said. i fight for my marriage by just trying to forgive and let go. thanks again

  20. 29

    Amie says

    A truly wonderful truth in this.
    Unfortunately for me my marriage ended at the end of last year. After trying to fight to save it for nearly two years, I had nothing left. I prayed, I got our padre to try and help, yet he never gave anything back. The sad thing is I could see he has a pain, something he will never talk about, which will alway deeply sadden me. After many conversations to try and fix the wrongs in our marriage, it came to a sad end.
    I came across this as I have just seen our wedding guest book, sat in tears and wondered if I could have done anything more.
    I know it wasn’t a healthy marriage, and try to believe that everything does happen for a reason! Hopefully that reason and with the guidence of god in my life I will see what that is.
    Reading this has made me realise that if he didn’t want to help or work at it, then it would never have lasted. Staying strong and focused for my son and myself is now the most important thing to me.
    Thank you x

  21. 30

    Chip says

    Hey guys, my marriage of 6 years is in crisis. My wife is pushing for divorce & I wanna fight for this marriage. She says she doesn’t love me anymore. She has become involved with another man. We have 2 small daughters that mean the world to both of us & I want them to have their family. I wasn’t the best husband. I let negativity & anger get the better of me a lot of the time. I didn’t handle the stress of being the sole bread winner of the family in the best way. I was never physically abusive, but I did gripe a lot. I am learning from my mistakes & leaning on Christ to make me a better man. All I want is for my wife to believe in me again & to open her heart & let me back in. I am so desperate to get my family back, although right now it seems hopeless.

  22. 31

    karin says

    “Let your husband lead your home, submit to him on the big stuff.”

    I’m sorry, what century is this??!

  23. 32

    she says

    my husband is w/ a new woman now who already has 2 kids! he left the house for 8 months now and i just saw pictures of them on fb yesterday. should i still fight for our marriage?

  24. 33

    Aaron says

    My Wife and I have been together 14 yrs, and Married 11. We have been together since High School. We have also been blessed with 3 beautiful girls. We are on the verge of divorce. The devil has played us against eachother so many times. The devil is real. I cried out to God today, and gave it all to him.Your story is evident that God is also real, and that there is Victory. My problem has been that I have tried to fix everything on my own, instead of giving the Lord control, and draw nigh to him. I have only made things worse, and so hear we are. I pray that our Marriage can get through this, and that it gets stronger.

  25. 34

    Daphne says

    I stumbled on this blog through pinterest and I have never been so encouraged by a complete stranger. As a 21 year old woman in a relationship leading towards marriage, these bits of wisdom are a gift from the Lord. Thank you for imparting your wisdom and thoughts to us here! It is such a gift to learn from older, more mature women in the faith.

  26. 35

    Lamont says

    I have just come across this site…My story is my wife wants to leave for another man she is having an affair with me on. At the same time she gives me signs that she doesnt want to leave and has said she doesnt want a divorce. I know God says fight and pray for your marriage, but how long to I fight. What do I endure before I say I cant endure anymore. When I feel its one-sided how do I be still like God says. I can see small steps but nothing to change this.

  27. 36

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