I couldn’t believe it.
Here we were, not even home two weeks from our trip to Africa, and my kids had the audacity to complain because I asked them to share something.
And so I went there: “How can you complain about sharing something so insignificant when you stood in a room the size of my closet that was shared by six people? I thought going to Africa would show you how much we have. I thought it would change you!”
I watched my son’s face fall and my daughter’s eyes fill, but I was too wrapped up in myself as I stormed off muttering about my ungrateful kids.
We took them on this amazing journey for many reasons, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I hoped it would produce more thankfulness in them.
Don’t get me wrong, I have good kids. No, great kids. But they are human…a lot like their mom and we can all stand to complain less and be more thankful.
After I cooled off, my daughter approached. “Mom, you’re right, we can share. I’m sorry.”
Triumph.
But she wasn’t done. “Mom, Africa did change me. I feel angry at what I saw. I am different. I’m trying to figure all this out, but I’m still an American kid. I don’t live in Africa. But I will never be the same because of what I experienced. I’m still trying to figure out what God wants me to do about what I saw and experienced. Please don’t say that it didn’t change me.”
It was time for my face to fall. I knew that I had deeply hurt my kids with my words. I was doing the very thing I was condemned them for: complaining.
I was sharing this with a good friend-one that knows me well and loves my kids dearly. She said, “Kristen, you’re seeing your kids up close, all the time. Step back–look at them. They are world-changers. They love the lost and poor and put others first. Your kids are amazing.”
She was right, of course. It broke my heart that I couldn’t see it for myself.
And that’s when I realized that we were in process of redefining success for our family. The world says success is the attainment of popularity or profit. But now we see through a global lens and it has deeply altered our view.
This journey has reshaped us. Our goal isn’t a stuffed 401k so we can live for ourselves and our kids aren’t on the path that many of their peers are on, vying for popularity and more stuff.
And it’s not easy. It’s hard when your normal, isn’t normal.
It’s even harder when you’re a kid and society demands that your number one goal is to fit in. And you don’t.
But success in God’s upside-down economy is supposed to look different. It’s becoming less, so He can be more. It’s putting yourself second, others first. It’s letting your kids ask hard questions and letting them teach you about true greatness.
*I want to “raise kids who are focused upwards on God and outwards on others instead of solely inwards on themselves. When you raise kids who are humble, generous, grateful and serve others, your house will be a place everyone wants to come home to.”
Later that day, I apologized to them and asked for forgiveness. I pulled them close and told them how proud I was of their journey to Africa-how every day they helped with their sister, they encouraged the staff, fellowshipped with the girls, loved mercy well.
I did what I should have done in the first place: I let them feel and process in their own way. Our journey is just beginning…
But I’m confident that I’m raising truly great kids who are already successful.
——————-
I’m happy to announce that Family Matters is my sponsor for the Relevant Conference this year! While they are paying for my (and Mercy House) travel expenses, all the opinions in this post are mine. I have read and used their products and attended their parenting conferences for years (because I want to!) and I highly recommend this organization.
*Raising Kids for True Greatness by Dr. Tim Kimmel is a parenting book that has helped me so much. I highly recommend it!
————————————-
Don’t forget to enter for your chance to win an AMAZING bed from Tempur-Pedic this week! Entries must be received by this Tuesday, midnight (CST).
I love this post! Thanks for sharing! It is hard to take a step back and see that are kids do have true greatness within! Good job on taking the step to apologize to your kids. It’s so hard to do sometimes, but oh so worth it for them to see that example of forgiveness!
Oh goodness, Kristen. I could have written this post. We haven’t taken our kids to Cambodia yet, but we’re scrimping/saving/selling everything we can so we can go as a family in December. And more times than I’m ashamed to admit, I’ve played the Cambodia Card.
But your friend is right–I need to just step back for a minute. Just last night, my mother-in-law gave my 5yo $2 for losing her first tooth, my 10yo $1.25 (a quarter for every turtle she found on the pontoon boat ride down the river) and my 9yo $1 just because. All 3 of them put the $ straight into our Cambodia Jar (which they do almost any time they get any money at all).
So humbling. I love them so much, and I’m so thankful for their precious hearts that beat for the poor.
You DO have amazing kids!
Wonder where they get it?
I loved this post, too! So true, and thank you for writing it.
This was a GREAT post! Sometimes it takes us a while to ‘get it’ — as adults! And when we do step back in faith, and look with our spiritual eyes at our kids, we are reminded that as much as we want our kids to have a heart for others, it’s really up to God to move them and give them true compassion for others. When we commit our children to the Lord, it’s such an amazing thing to watch as THEY get it, as the Lord reveals Himself to them. So often our kids ‘look’ like us, but the awesome transformation is when they begin to ‘look’ like HIM.
Thank you for responding to help others as the Lord has called you. Blessings upon you and your family.
What your daughter said to you is amazing.
Your daughter’s comment was deep and profound. How many times God has used my children to speak truth! Glad you heard it and received it….and shared it with the rest of us!
Wow I so needed to read that!!! We are driving our kids to Lesotho at the end of the month… to take some school supplies they have collected and meet some aids orphans that we have been supporting in a little church school there for years… And how often I want to say to my kids when they grumble: “You have it so lucky, just what till the trip.” And I am biting my tongue, because my kids are the reason we are going – it is their project because they care enough, and they are motivated enough and driven enough and lets face it they learnt to grumble for the champion!!! Thank you so much for your blog, I have so much to learn!!!
Love your post and your site. I came home from a trip to China last month and my 6 year old met me in baggage claim with the words, “Welcome home mom. I decided I want an ipad instead of a DS for Christmas.” My heart dropped because I knew that God allowed that moment to happen to open my eyes to the materialistic nature of my children at a time when I was so aware of the lives children live in Chinese orphanages without parents and certainly without ipads and a DS. Like you I feel this deep need to foster a world view in my children that allows them to see the world through Gods lens instead of through the lens of materialism. Thanks for your thoughts here.
This made me tear up….because I saw myself in you. I would have done the EXACT same thing to my kids. And something that I saw on Pinterest last night really hit home: “What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?” Yikes! I would have been in a sorry state this morning…no arms, no legs, no sight, no home, no vehicle….
Kristen, this was an amazing post. I can’t imagine how your kiddos are coping because I struggle with what to do with what God has allowed me to ‘see’, too, and I’m four days shy of 31 years old here! They’re beautiful kids with their momma and dad’s heart…they’re going to be great! And so are you and the hubs!
Hang in there!!!! Congrats!!
Thanks for sharing! I’m reading Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel right now … so good! So, I just went and purchased Raising Kids for True Greatness for my kindle … sounds awesome! Thanks!
Aww, this made me tear up. Thank you for sharing it with us.
This was such an encouraging post, truly inspiring to work from the inside out. Thank you so much for you constant encouragement.
JOYfully in Him,
Kelli
This is such an inspirational post! Thank you.
Thanks for sharing this! I am glad you are recommending Family Matters. The book Graced Based Parenting helped me SO much as a mom. I appreciate their ministry!
simply beautiful, it made me cry, thanks for sharing and inspiring!
Your daughter is very wise for her age and I applaud you for sharing your great, good and not-so-peachy parenting moments.
Oh my, what a teaching moment. My eyes filled with tears as I remebered my harsh words spoken in furstration, but I chose to ignore the fallen look on my teen’s face as I stood firmly planted in my selfishness. Instead of talking it out later I chose for just “Forget it”. This morning as I was doing a morning devotion with Maveric (my teen), his scripture of the day spoke to my heart. After we talked about the verse I told him I was very sorry and asked for forgivness that he was so readily forgave me. So much quicker then I was yesterday. I have much to learn, I am thankful for a forgiving God and a forgiving son both from whom I can learn so much.
Thank you for sharing.
We are struggling with the same things. I wonder if you think children need to see with their own eyes and experience for themselves the way the world is in order to begin that process of changing? I want to take them to see what I saw in Bolivia a few weeks ago, and I’ll be honest — I have played the poverty card a couple of times. I keep forgetting that it has taken me years to get where I am today, and I have so much farther to go. They are going to take some time, too, and I need to be patient. But I want to help them start thinking differently and choose God’s economy before we go somewhere (because it could be awhile before we can go).
Wow…food for thought right there.
I would suppose that it is taking time for your children (at least the older 2) to process everything they saw and felt while they were in Africa. I’m sure they are looking for the answers to many of the same questions you came home from Kenya with.
This really gripped my heart Kristen. Thank you for sharing so intimately how God is working in the lives of your family. What a beautiful journey!
Really loved and enjoyed your post today Kristen!
Oh, your sweet girl brought tears to my eyes. I can’t wait to see the changes she makes in the world!
Pretty sure the most powerful lessons I’ve learned in this life- were learned from and/or through my children… Motherhood, we give and we give and we get more than we ever thought we needed- the way He uses them to shape and refine us as we are shaping them, it’s amazing, and always humbling, and I’m so grateful for it.
Powerful words from your daughter, powerful lesson learned, powerful post- thank you for sharing!
This journey with our oldest son, this cancer journey, has taught me SO much already… my mother’s heart has been stretched, and broken, and reshaped, and rings a familiar ring when I read things like this…
Praying for your beautiful mom-heart, dear Kristen! You and your beautiful family bless me with your example!
Such a profound statement that your daughter made. I needed to hear that.
Like many of the other commenters, this hits close to my heart. We’ve been on several mission trips, and actually just returned from Haiti. Like I usually do, I come home struggling to patiently, gracefully and lovingly respond to the materialism and lack of gratitude in my two very young girls.
I am trusting the Lord on this, begging Him to mold them and to help me not get in the way.
In love parenting book tips, so I’ll be ordering the one you mentioned.
Thank you!