Not a week goes by since writing our He Said She Said Series that I don’t receive an email from a broken wife telling me about her broken husband and their broken marriage. She shares details of how she caught him looking at images on the computer, of how she doesn’t know what to do, how to help him, where to go from here…
Just last week, my hubby and I handed in a lengthy marriage article to Lifeway’s Homelife Magazine on the very same subject (due out in January). We understand the vastness of the problem and just how difficult it is to find freedom.
We certainly aren’t experts. We’ve just been thru the battle and now stand on the other side, pointing to Him. Because God turned our trial into a testimony.
I don’t think 100% of men have a lust or pornography problem. But I promise it’s much higher than you think. I believe if your husband won’t talk to you about it (when you ask), or if he gets angry or defensive, the problem may be at your own front door.
If you have never had the conversation, you must. Don’t assume it will never happen to you (or him). By and large, this is the number one temptation many, many men face, including Christian men.
How to talk to your husband about porn:
- Ask, don’t accuse. You might say something like, “I understand with the Internet being so accessible, that pornography is an issue for a lot of men. How do you handle the temptation?”
- Suggest installing filters for all Internet-based technology (phones and computers, etc).
- See if there’s any interest in reading the book Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series) (it does say every man, after all)
- Most importantly pray. This is not easy for anyone to talk about, but so necessary.
- If you have tween or teen boys, ask your husband if he would talk to them about this subject.
- Count the cost: It might cost you something to “go there” or it might relieve you to know that this isn’t a battle for your husband. True intimacy is worth the risk.
- Prepare your heart because if you ask, “Do you struggle with pornography?” he might say yes.
If He Says Yes
- Pray for your husband. He has a very big decision to make if he is to live in freedom
- Don’t be his accountability partner, but insist he find a Christian one
- Buy and have him read (to start with) Every Man’s Battle and you need to read For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
- Be proactive in your home-cut off cable, throw out magazines and catalogs with women’s clothing, get filters for phone and Internet, etc–your home needs to be a safe place
- Ready and watch our He Said She Said Series
- Ask him to stop viewing pornography, come completely clean and seek counsel.
And, please, find someone to talk to about this. Ask a Bible Study teacher, a friend in confidence…One of Satan’s biggest lies is to try and convince you that YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE. Obviously this isn’t something that is easy for my husband and I to talk about, but there’s power in the word of your testimony and we feel passionate about helping couples expose this dark subject to The Light.
Talking to your spouse about this subject isn’t easy, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.