How to Talk to Your Husband About P*rn

Not a week goes by since writing our He Said She Said Series that I don’t receive an email from a broken wife telling me about her broken husband and their broken marriage. She shares details of how she caught him looking at images on the computer, of how she doesn’t know what to do, how to help him, where to go from here…

Just last week, my hubby and I handed in a lengthy marriage article to Lifeway’s Homelife Magazine on the very same subject (due out in January). We understand the vastness of the problem and just how difficult it is to find freedom.

We certainly aren’t experts. We’ve just been thru the battle and now stand on the other side, pointing to Him. Because God turned our trial into a testimony.

I don’t think 100% of men have a lust or pornography problem. But I promise it’s much higher than you think. I believe if your husband won’t talk to you about it (when you ask), or if he gets angry or defensive, the problem may be at your own front door.

If you have never had the conversation, you must. Don’t assume it will never happen to you (or him). By and large, this is the number one temptation many, many men face, including Christian men.

How to talk to your husband about porn:

  • Ask, don’t accuse. You might say something like, “I understand with the Internet being so accessible, that pornography is an issue for a lot of men. How do you handle the temptation?”
  • Suggest installing filters for all Internet-based technology (phones and computers, etc).
  • See if there’s any interest in reading the book Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series) (it does say every man, after all)
  • Most importantly pray. This is not easy for anyone to talk about, but so necessary.
  • If you  have tween or teen boys, ask your husband if he would talk to them about this subject.
  • Count the cost: It might cost you something to “go there” or it might relieve you to know that this isn’t a battle for your husband. True intimacy is worth the risk.
  • Prepare your heart because if you ask, “Do you struggle with pornography?” he might say yes.

If He Says Yes

The first thing I want to say to you is you’re not alone. I’m not trying to minimize your pain-because believe me, I know it’s real. I just want you to know that healing is possible, freedom is available and restoration is hopeful.
  • Pray for your husband. He has a very big decision to make if he is to live in freedom
  • Don’t be his accountability partner, but insist he find a Christian one
  • Buy and have him read (to start with) Every Man’s Battle and you need to read For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
  • Be proactive in your home-cut off cable, throw out magazines and catalogs with women’s clothing, get filters for phone and Internet, etc–your home needs to be a safe place
  • Ready and watch our He Said She Said Series
  • Ask him to stop viewing pornography, come completely clean and seek counsel.

And, please, find someone to talk to about this. Ask a Bible Study teacher, a friend in confidence…One of Satan’s biggest lies is to try and convince you that YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE. Obviously this isn’t something that is easy for my husband and I to talk about, but there’s power in the word of your testimony and we feel passionate about helping couples expose this dark subject to The Light.

Talking to your spouse about this subject isn’t easy, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.

photo source

Just Arrived! {Giveaway}

UPDATED with Winners:  Congrats to comments #97 Oh Amanda and #125 Jody McComas!

I’m so happy to announce that our NEW Mercy House t-shirts are in!! We decided to have two styles printed since there were only a handful of votes difference between first and second place.  More than 500 of you left a comment to vote…

I love the way they turned out!

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The winner: Women’s fit, v-neck in Navy, sizes S-XL: Love Mercy Africa Shirt

[cute paper bead necklace worn as a bracelet, sold here]

Close second (Unisex, black, sizes available: youth-XXL): Love Mercy Word Shirt

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Both $20 each.

And we have youth sizes for $16 each:

We also have NEW Love Mercy 1″ silicone wristbands in black and white (with mercyhousekenya.org embossed on the inside)

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Today Only: Shipping on shirts is $1 with this code: EMPOWER 

Today Only: Free shipping on all wristbands with this code: MERCY

I’m giving away two shirts today to two winners! Leave a comment on this post to be entered. But wait, there’s more: I’m also giving away shirts on the We are THAT family and Mercy House Facebook pages, so make sure you “like” them to be entered!

 

Why We Must Not Stop Dreaming

I met Robin when I was young. Oh, so young with childless arms and a confidence that was superficial.

We walked through the ups and downs of infertility together, hubby and I all wrapped up in youth ministry. Years passed, I moved away with my young family to another church on the opposite side of the map. We both had swollen bellies at the time…

But Robin is the kind of friend that is good for introverts like me. She never let go.

She is the first person I knew with a “blog” I used to use air quotes then when referring to this strange practice of writing your thoughts for the world to read. It kept us connected.

She kept us connected. (and was the very very first monthly sponsor of the dream we didn’t know we had).

After three boys, Robin dreamed of a little girl. That was ten years ago. She’s tenacious. She never stopped dreaming. She prayed her dream into reality.

This past weekend, I met her daughter, rescued from the vast hole of foster care, pending adoption that will be official in just a few weeks (which is why we aren’t showing her adorable face in this picture):

Robin has taught me a few things in this life (like how to make homemade baby wipes). She’s also taught me that we must never stop dreaming….

  • God gives us our dreams
  • God changes our dreams so that He will receive the most glory
  • With God, our dreams go from crazy to possible
  • Not everyone will believe in our dream
  • And sometimes dreams happen so quickly, it takes our breath away
  • But most times, dreams don’t happen overnight or even in a decade
  • But with faith and patience and hard work, they do happen

Keep dreaming. Don’t give up.

What do you dream about?

P.S. My big big dream is to one day have my hubby working from home (helping with Mercy House more), out of corporate America. We don’t know what this looks like, but we dream anyway.

Your Christian Student Has Rights

It’s not easy taking a stand.

It’s even harder to do it alone.

When we arrived to See You at the Pole, there were only a couple of others there.

I could sense my daughter’s relief when classmates began filling in the spaces, one-by-one. Silently they grabbed hands and bowed their heads. Each student voluntarily joining together to pray for their school, their teachers, their nation. It took courage.

Moms and dads were sprinkled in and out of the circle, suggesting kids squeeze the hand of the person next to them if they wanted to “pass” on praying out loud.

My son and daughter didn’t squeeze. But my heart did.

It’s easier to have courage when you’re not alone.

As prayers were lifted, the sidewalks got crowded with students and parents pressing in. Some were staring, whispering. Pointing. I opened my eyes and I heard the mom behind me tell her son,  loudly in a tone that sent a chill down my spine: “No, son, they are NOT allowed to pray like this. It’s completely illegal!”

I watched her march into the school, dragging her son behind. He looked perplexed.

I think he knew in his heart his mom was wrong.

Our Christian students have many legal rights on a public school campus to pray and do even more.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Share these with your kids. Encourage them to stand, even without a flag pole.

 

  • A Bible or Christian group can advertise and make announcements at school if other groups and clubs are allowed.
  • Valedictorians, salutatorians, honorary student speakers can give speeches on religious subjects, including reading from the Bible; baccalaureate services are permitted and if the school facilities are available to other groups then they most be made available for baccalaureate services.
  • Students are free to observe religious holidays and express their beliefs and convictions as they apply to a particular holiday; they have the right to distribute Christmas cards or religious tracts on the “true meaning of Christmas” during non-instructional times.
  • Praying in groups or alone is allowable and legal (including lunch-time and between classes) if it does not interfere with instructional times.
  • Students may bring Bibles or religious books or literature to school as long as they do not disrupt instructional times.
  • Students may opt out of a class for objectionable religious reasons. Unless parental consent is given, no student shall be required to submit to any kind of test designed to reveal information of a non-academic nature. Click hereto obtain a letter to your School Principal enforcing YOUR childs rights as a student based on Hatch Amendment -this is extremely important.

Download and read the entire document….you might be surprised at just how legal it is to be a Christian in public school:
A Christian Student’s Bill of Rights