You Will Be Disappointed In Me

The words hurt, cut like a knife.

My heart beat outside of my chest as I let her cloud of disappointment cover me.

Hurting people hurt people. She felt like I let her down and so she let me down. The accusations still ring.

This online space is a tricky place. I’ve spent four years confessing my struggles, trying to find joy in the moment, hoping to inspire the people who spend their time here. It’s not something I take lightly, you reading my words.

I’m reminded daily that God created something adequate out of this space and out of inadequate me. I need you to keep dreaming with me.

But I’ve always tried to be transparent. And in the last month, I’ve received a couple of emails and comments from a few people on different subjects, but all feeling like I’d let them down in some way. Oh, I get people and their opinions and it’s certainly not the first time I’ve had people disagree with me.

Somewhere along the way, some people got into their minds that I’m someone to look up to. You can only look up to people you place on a pedestal. The rest of us are eye to eye, trying to carve out what God wants to accomplish in and through us.

I don’t belong on a pedestal. Most days I find myself under it.

I’m not always a great wife or an awesome mom. I have really hard days just like you. I don’t always share the horrible moments because I’m flesh trying to live this out, messing up more than I can say.

But I am convinced that if you look up to me you will be disappointed.

You might not like that I lose it with my kiddos, nag my hubby, don’t use recycled bags or cook organic. You might be disappointed that when it gets really hard, I think about quitting (everything). You might be shocked at my discipline methods, thinking they are too strict or too lenient.

The bottom line: you will be disappointed in me.

And that’s why I do my best to point you to Him. Because He will never disappoint you.


Comments

  1. says

    Thank you for your honesty and courage to be real! Us women need to be more free with Grace towards one another and ourselves. This tendency to want to tear each other down and act like we’re competing against each other or giddily pulling someone down from the pedestal we put them on and trampling over them for the slightest grievance is doing untold damage to women and relationships. To our daughters.. To ourselves. Making mistakes, falling short, messing up- even royally, isn’t what matters. Perfection isn’t the lesson we’re supposed to learn or teach our children. It’s what you do when you’re knocked flat on your back- whether through something you’ve done or through someone else’s mess. Are you going to give up or are you going to trust in the One who can help you? That’s where character and strength and faith are developed. That’s “the point.” Not perfection.
    I have quietly read your blog almost since the very beginning. Your honesty and integrity and courage have ministered to me in so many ways. You are not perfect, but you don’t have to be, Praise God! Or I’d be in serious trouble ;)
    I’m going to stop before I babble for pages. Maybe I shouldn’t have written my first comment while suffering from a nasty cold… Hopefully this made sense ;)
    Blessings to you!

  2. Chris says

    Oh, hi! I’m Chris, and I’m not perfect either!!! Good thing He doesn’t expect that of us. I thank you for ministering to those girls, babies, and so many others at Mercy. I thank you for ministering to me through your blog and book. Imperfections and all.
    God’s Blessings,
    Chris Lints

  3. says

    Sounds like we are the same. Used to put people on pedestals, but then I got real life experience and learned that most of us are on the same level playing field.

    You’re beautiful because you’re real and I am constantly letting people down these days.

  4. Joan Whiteford says

    I’ve followed you for a long time (without ever commenting before) and while I don’t place you on a pedestal I DO admire your ability to listen to promptings and to walk in faith. I am glad you share your struggles with us because we have struggles too. My path isn’t the same as yours but I try to serve others every day and appreciate the motivation I get from reading what you do. You make me want to keep trying. Thank you for your blog and your great book and your trust in God.
    You are in my prayers.

  5. says

    Kristen,

    I am so sorry to hear that you have been criticized by others. I am not sure why people feel it is their job to bring others down. One problem with on-line messaging is the tone of voice is not present. I think this is why someone invented the emoticons. But that’s beside the point.

    I think we should all start a club…the imperfectionists anonymous… “Hi, my name is —– and I am imperfect.” You know what? It would be a standing room only. You know what else? Those who criticized you would be standing right next to you.

    God gives us each talents and abilities. Sometimes those are not going to be what other’s have…sometimes they might be. Regardless, God never gave any one a talent of hurting others. I see talents in you. I respect those abilities to help the way you do. I wonder how you do it all, but that is just how you are. You are hardworking and you try your best with what the Lord has blessed you with. Everyone wants to throw in the towel as some point, but whether we do or not is what matters.

    Keep on looking up and continue to trust in Him to lead you in the process of leading others to Him.

    Rachel E.

  6. Michelle O says

    Hello ~

    I’ve been ‘lurking’ (reading your blog, but not commenting) for over a year now. I love your posts. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. I am so sorry to hear that people are making comments of disappointment. How very sad for them. Like you said – we are all imperfect – and all have struggles day to day. I, for one, think it’s wonderful that you are so ‘REAL’ on your blog and I THANK YOU for it! Be encouraged – what you write, encourages others…myself included.

  7. Suzanne says

    One of the reasons I so enjoy your posts is that you are so real! And in the realness I see myself. In your weaknesses, you proclaim Christ. Keep pressing on my dear! You are an encouragement to so many. Lots of love your way this morning.
    Suzanne

  8. tiabennett says

    You are doing a great job, keeping it real. We are all human, and I am not sure why people think that just because you have a blog you think your perfect. Even though we know God is our only judge, words still hurt.

    btw: I have been having a really hard time opeining up your blog. It locks my computer up and takes forever. It just started this past month and I have tried different computers with the same result. Just an FYI, maybe I am the only one with issues. Well, we all have issues, but you know what I mean ;)

  9. Sue says

    Well said! The life of living in a Christian world! In the pastorate, we endured death threats, drug dealings in our backyard, critical phone calls, etc. Been there, done that! Keep the faith! You are doing many of us a great service. Thanks for sharing!

  10. Sara Z. says

    Kristen,

    It is exactly for those not-so-perfect things that I enjoy reading your blog so much! None of us is always the perfect mom or wife, but often we see in others only the good. I can look at my friend interacting with her children and visualize a perfectly harmonious family that never has a yelling match. It makes me feel bad for how things often are with my daughter. The fact that you are open an honest about your faults and mistakes makes you approachable and likeable. Thank you for helping the rest of us to realize that we are all normal too :)

  11. says

    This whole thing of us Christian moms having this set of do and don’ts that are totally man made fire me up! Jesus says over and over it is that HEART that matters, not all these stupid rules (my words of course) that do. It has divided the body of Christ and it is a shame. I see people worried more about what their kids are eating then what they are believing. What a shame and so far from what the Lord wanted. There is NO doubt in my mind Kristen that HE has YOUR heart! It just spill over into everything you do and it is why I LOVE your blog so much!

    I met you at Relevant, I walked right up to you and you were so real. Just like on your blog. I told my husband it was such a highlight for me to meet you. We only spoke a few minutes but I knew I was speaking to the real deal (nothing put on about you) and OH how refreshing it is!

    Don’t change a thing!

  12. says

    Hugs to you. It’s so sad that people lash out at others when the hurt is really only internal. I appreciate your honesty and transparency. Love your heart, praying for you daily. We are all trodding along some days, broken and searching. I pray “she” will find the hope she needs in the only Hope-giver.

    “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”

    … you know Satan is fighting you because God is working through your vessel, right? We’re all jars of clay… this power is from God and not from us. Clay can disappoint, but God won’t. Those who love you are holding you up in prayer. Don’t give up!

    in His unfailing love,
    Melanie

  13. says

    Well done, Kristen!!

    I love reading this blog because of your openness and honesty with us. It’s so refreshing to me to read of someone who isn’t perfect, but is doing her best with His help.

    Thank you, sweet lady!

    Blessings!

  14. Mom of 3 boys says

    Kristen,

    Part of why I read your blog is because you are real! I found out about you when your book was free on Kindle. I loved how real you are, but are serving through your weakness instead of letting it be an excuse. Because you are open and realize you make mistakes, God is able to use you to bless others. God loves a humble heart. Continue to be open and know that a lot of us out here are encouraged by your weakness (and how you over come it) because it reminds us we can make a difference even though we are flawed creatures!

    Blessings!

  15. says

    You’re amazing and talented and a great writer. You’re a role model for so many folks and I think that what people forget is that we’re all human and all in this together. No one human is better than another, we’re all created in HIS image by HIM.

    I do love that you share the failures along with some success because that shows the human condition and makes a story worth relating too. Those bloggers that hide behind perfectly clean house pictures, flawless children’s tales, a fitness regime created by hercules, and can parent, bake cookies, schedule blogs, and wash dishes at the same time aren’t real! We relate to regular human tendencies that fall short because so often we do too. Thanks for being real, honest, and transparent.; that is what makes you THAT Family.

  16. says

    I love reading your blog. I love your honesty. I love how you are trying to live your life. I love that you are letting God take you where you might not even want to go. I love how you forgave your husband and refused to quit your marriage. I love your open and honest relationship with your kids. I love how much you love God.

    Keep on doing what you are doing, Kristen and please keep writing about it!

  17. Mindy says

    Kristen,

    Your site is so amazing! I love that you are “real” and you share your struggles and life with all of us that “listen”. Your site has become my favorite by far and away!

    None of us are perfect! There is only one that is perfect! Our Lord and Savior!

    Thanks for your site

  18. Beth says

    Kristen,
    God has used you in ways in my life that only eternity will know because of your transparency and passion for Him! Thanks for being real! You bless my heart day after day!
    Sweet Blessings!

  19. Kate N. says

    My Dear Kristen,

    I do not drop by this blog every day to read about how awesome your family is. I do not drop by every day to read about how perfect you and your marriage are. I do not drop by every day to read about how you are the mother that I will never be because you are so awesomely perfect. I do not drop by every day to read about all of the many ways in which you are THE super-awesome-ultimate Christian.

    I drop by this blog every day because you have had the courage to say YES to God. You have let Him use you to reach out to thousands and thousands of people. You decided to get real and lay it out just as you are…no matter how painful or embarrassing that might be. I continue to come here because a community has formed of people who feel compelled to be better people because you have set the example. You have never claimed to be perfect. Far from it, in fact. You have shown that it is ok to be IMperfect because God loves us through it. And He changes our lives…if we just say YES.

    The fact that a certain number of people have the opinion that you let them down is unfortunate. Do not accept the blame for that. You have done nothing but blog simply and honestly from your heart by God’s grace. There is absolutely no shame or blame to be accepted in that.

    I appreciate and respect your raw honesty. I am thankful to have you on this earth. My life and the life of my family and friends has been made better because you have allowed God to be in the driver’s seat in this space.

    Love and blessings,

    Kate N.

  20. says

    I agree with you and I understand your critics. I used to put people on pedestals before I developed a deeper relationship with Jesus. I had always had a religion, and a church, and a list of things to do for Him, but I followed people instead of Christ putting the organization before the Son. It’s a whole mindset and heart reformation that I pray they encounter.
    I love reading your blog and I can only imagine how hard it is to hear critical comments. Keep blogging sister!

  21. says

    grace. ♥

    you are an encouragement to me because you are real and you are imperfect and you readily admit that and above all, you always point to Him. always.

  22. says

    I think the ugly truth is essential. We can’t fool the One who really matters, so why try to fool each other? I love your words and this space you created. I love the honesty. I love hearing that it’s not just me who (fill in the blank). Hugs and prayers to you today, Kristen. Thanks for always pointing us in the right direction…to Him.

  23. Rachel says

    Well said, ma’am. Love that you are so honest and open with your “stuff.” It helps all of us with our struggles and brings us closer to Him. :)

  24. Melissa O says

    Grace. It’s about grace. I don’t deserve it and neither do you…because if we deserved it, it would no longer be grace. If I were to have another little girl I would name her Grace just so I would be reminded of God’s grace to me every day and be reminded to give it to others. You are so loved! Really. You are loved when you are encouraging your children and you are loved THE SAME when you are loosing it and say nasty things to them! I am so relieved that God’s love is not based on my being a good mom, or a good wife, or a good friend. He loves me…and you too even though we are not good.

  25. Kim B. in AZ says

    Kristen,
    Very well said. I love to read your blog because your real, your honest and well I don’t leave reading it feeling like a failure. I do find myself challenged and/or encouraged when I read your blog.

  26. says

    Amen.

    The only One who should be placed on a pedestal is Him!

    You are a blessing. That doesn’t mean you’re perfect, it just means you are doing what you feel God has for you to do, honoring Him in it…yes, making mistakes (we all do! If we didn’t, we would be like Jesus…and that just would NOT work.), but moving along knowing you are saved from those mistakes and then continuing the work He has for you.

    I couldn’t do what you do. I’m encouraged by you and I think you’re awesome. But we’re the same in that we each have a DIFFERENT talent that we can use for the Lord and His glory. And I think it’s pretty awesome He lets us imperfect folk work for Him!

    As much as those comments hurt, try to remember what He thinks of you and how He sees who!

  27. says

    Thank you for your words and your willingness to be open about your imperfections. God is truly speaking through you to others (maybe even more so when people criticize–it’s hard when someone else makes you see your own flaws).

    This topic is the subject of my own post today on life. faithful.
    http://lifefaithful.blogspot.com/2012/02/not-good-enough.html

    Isn’t it great to know that God works through our imperfections? I’m glad that I’m not the one with the job of saving people through my own actions–we would all be out of luck then! It is God’s perfection that lets Him work through normal, flawed people like all of us.

  28. AK says

    You’re so normal it’s FUNNY!! :) Kristen, I’ve read your bleeding heart on these pages, friend. And I can see where someone would look UP to you. You are phenomenol! You’re God’s girl!! However, the times you find yourself flopping around like a fish out of water-look around, we are all right there with ya! :) Even the email writers stating you shouldn’t be. It’s not true.
    “He chose us all.” (Evan Almighty ha ha)

    YOU said yes.

    Amen.

    Hugs and Prayers
    Amber K

  29. Jai says

    Thanks Kristen .. for YEARS of laughter, tears, transparency, honesty and openess. Don’t stop – keep focusing on HIM – you’ve never said you were perfect and we shouldn’t expect you to be.

    Don’t stop – you ARE making a difference and making us all think .. even those who might be “disappointed” in you ..THANK goodness for God’s GRACE!

    Blessings upon your household.

  30. Chelsea says

    I too am a lurker, not one to build many bonds with the online world. Yet I feel compelled to say “EXACTLY”.

    If we follow people, life is chaotic and confusing, if we look to the Father, we will have peace. You point to Him every post and for that I am immensely grateful.

    Thank you for the reminder and for your continued transparency.

  31. says

    I’m fighting huge crocodile tears after reading this. Sister, sweet Sister, please know that this post resonated with me. To the core of my being. I found myself recently telling another Sister in Christ that, in advance, I apologize because I WILL disappoint her. I absolutely love you and so appreciate your raw, candid, openness. God is using you. So very much in my life personally that I don’t think I could ever adequately express that. It is an overwhelming thing to feel the weight of our “mess” and own weakness. Thank God it is right smack there that HIS strength is made perfect. And so it is through you. I am all too often disappointed in my own self. I don’t want to shake the finger your way or anyone’s way. I hope, I pray, that I’ll choose to fall on the side of mercy. Know that I’m breaking my ruler in half today. And the words of Ann Voskamp, may they speak loudly to you as read them once again {because I know you’ve read them}–”God uses people who DO disappoint to point to a God who NEVER disappoints.” You always point to Him. Thank you for that!

    I love you, Kristen. I’m so very, very grateful for you, for your husband, Terrell, for your children. Because you have allowed us all into your lives. How much more could you possibly share?

  32. says

    I am not sure I could say anything else better than what all these sweet supporting ladies have already said. As it says in 1 Peter 5:8 “Your enemy the devil, like a roaring lion, is on the prowl looking for someone to devour” And who better to devour then us Christians. You are a role model to many, I enjoy your blog and as I learn more about this blogging world I love watching what is going on. This is a down side of blogging. People nit pick, say hurtful things, speak there mind. Stay strong in what you believe in. I worked in a church for over 10 years before staying home with my kids. I know how hard it is to have people attack the things to do or say, even when most people support you!
    I look forward to future post!

  33. yolande says

    Kristin, may you find comfort in the shadow of His wing, the One who binds up the brokenhearted, the One who loves you tenderly…. may God bless you.

  34. says

    You know this is about the third post I’ve read on someone’s blog this week alone saying exactly the same thing. That readers of their blog are emailing them personally and telling them that they are disappointed in them or generally unhappy with how they are living their life. It makes me wonder if these same people are reading all the same blogs! I can’t really imagine walking up to someone that I don’t know in real life and saying “Excuse me. I’m a little disappointed in how you’re living your life.” I mean who would do that? Yet somehow here we are on the internet and people think that’s perfectly ok. This is one of the reasons my mom refused to get on the email bandwagon . She said people would say all sorts of things via email they would never say in the light of day! I guess this is par for the course. Whenever you open yourself up you risk a little backlash. I also tend to think this is the enemy using opportunities to discourage you because you are light in the world. You are human of course but you are open about your faith and how He leads you. That’s pretty much what we are asked to do. Some people seem to get the idea that Christians are perfect. I know this is cliche but the bumper sticker says…we’re not perfect, just forgiven. And at the end of the day it always seems a better use of your time to look in the mirror than point fingers. Hang in there!

  35. says

    I think that’s the case with bloggers, teachers, celebrities, everyone. When you put someone up on a pedestal, the only thing they can do is fall down. Stay strong in Christ, girl. He’s the only one whose opinion really matters.

  36. Tracyann says

    Just recently found your blog…it does take a lot of courage to do what you do for us…shoulder to shoulder is how we get through the bumps. Your words are my nudges, and thanks for the reminder to look up…WAY up!

  37. Anna says

    Beautiful blog post! I guess that’s true for everybody. Whenever we put other people on pedestal, thinking their somehow less sinful, they will fail us and disapoint us. I learned just that not to long ago. I put someone way up on a beautiful pedestal, and guess what? They turned out to be sinners :P Oh, Lord, please help me not to put someone else so high, that I loose sight of You.

  38. Jennifer says

    NEVER disappointed in you!!!!! You are so real, so honest, so human!!!! Your honesty is such and encouragement to me, to never be afraid to show THAT side of our/my life with others. I hope that I am able to encourage others the way you have for me. thank you for being YOU, anything less would be what God has for you :)

  39. Elizabeth says

    I don’t know you, but I know it hurts. It’s hard to wrap your head around it. Sometimes you just can’t. You never know what is going on in the life of other people. The only thing I can say is that the closer you are to God, the easier things are to deal with.

  40. Michelle says

    Dear Kristen.
    don’t believe it is you. Most of the time in these situations , it’s the other. It is there problem not yours.
    As someone else said, as Christians we must give each other grace. we are all on the same playing field , all sinners. \, seeking

    Be blessed and know you are loved

  41. says

    Believe it or not, that was one of the most inspirational things I have ever read. Thank you! I posted it on my Facebook Wall. High five sista, I crawl under the pedastal with you. Let’s lay here a while and watch the world go by!

  42. Beth says

    Thank you for what you do!! I am grateful to read your blog each day! I can’t count the times that I’ve sat down at the end of a long, difficult day and read your words and felt comforted. Please keep doing EXACTLY what you’re doing.

  43. says

    I have only very recently found your blog but you are a lot of fun to read – the good and the real. I blog myself but, since I am a children’t musician, I tend to blog about happier or quirkier things than the literal reality of my life. Not that the things that I write about aren’t my real thoughts and feelings. They are just slanted more to the happier end of things. My wife write a blog that REALLY gets into the nitty gritty of things. Our daughter has Reactive Attachment Disorder and it makes things difficult – very, very difficult. She definitely gets her fair share of negativity thrown her way. As far as she is concerned, as long as she is truthful, that’s all she can do. Honesty with herself, honesty with her family, honesty with God. Internet complainers are just that and that is all there is to it!

  44. says

    Hi Kristen,

    I’ve been reading your blog since… well, since probably before people would have cared to send hateful emails. That’s been long enough to feel like I know the real you and your true heart. You are one of the most transparent bloggers I know and that’s one of the main reasons I’ve stuck around and continue to follow you. Bottom line, you only answer to God. Still, I know it hurts when others have harsh opinions and words. Keep your eyes focused upward and continue to be real.

    Be blessed!
    The other Mrs. Welch
    (Same name, different hubby! Ha!)

  45. Abby says

    One of the reasons I like reading your blog is because you are real. You aren’t afraid to write about the messy, how you’ve had a tough day, your struggles, or that you want to quit it all. It makes me stronger knowing that there are others who stuggle too. May God give you strength, grace, love, mercy, and JOY! Thanks for all your posts! :)

  46. says

    I used to read your blog all the time and honestly don’t know why I stopped… I’ve always appreciated your honest, openness… I always tell people not to put anyone (especially me) on a pedestal… It is hard to balance on one! Don’t let the negatives steal your joy! You encourage so many!

  47. Heather says

    Kristen,

    ((((HUGS)))) I feel your pain. No one ever wants to let others down. Blogging is personal – it lets people into your life…as much as you let them. But it seems to me, you are a lot like a church leader. Everyone thinks they know you because you share your life with us…but we really don’t know you…not really. And because we think we know you, we sometimes make the mistake, and treat you like a close friend…sharing too much with you…expecting too much of you…when you really don’t owe us anything.

    To me, you’ve been nothing but inspiring and honest. I can only hope to be half the mother, half the wife, half the child of God that you are. Don’t let her disappointment “cover you”…please don’t give her or her feelings that kind of power. Listen only to those who you love…and who love you. Which means…you can’t even listen to me. :)

    Much love in Christ,
    Heather

  48. says

    Oh, you’re not perfect? Then, you’ve lost me as a reader. Lol…really? How much pressure do we put on ourselves to be that way in the most challenging and stressful role there is. I thank God everyday for his grace. I think I’ll keep checking into your site because you aren’t perfect. Despite your imperfection(because of it really), God has given you an amazing platform to glorify Him. Keep at it. Real people rock. To God be the glory.

  49. says

    ♥ ….and why is it that when we hear the negative, those words stay with us and we forget all of the positives that outnumber and outweigh them? Is that a girl thing?

    Negative comments must mean you’ve “made the big time,” right?!? ;) Keep doing what you’re doing, Kristen!!!

  50. JD says

    I want to tell you though I didn’t when you wrote the article about the demise of small creatures at your house that it brought back a flood of memories. As a grandma now but at the time, a mother of two rambucous boys it was traumatic. We left to go out of town on the weekend. Somehow, the gerbils, got out of their cage and drowned in the toliet. I am sure my sons are still scarred to this day. I was horrified. My co-workers scolded me profusely until I was sure I was lower than a rock.

    Now, I look back and go…that is ok, I did the best I could and sorry I couldn’t do everything to everyone’s standards. I couldn’t and still can’t. It is ok. I love reading your blog and your honesty.

  51. Kysia says

    Thanks for being who God made you to be. Hearing your stories helps me remember it’s ok to be transparent. Plus, not only is my heart touched and my funny bone tickled but also I get to see someone elese’s family trying to balance life with missions.

  52. says

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. My heart was cut to the core several months ago with hurtful words (not blog related). Words that questioned and judged the character and motives of myself and my family. This situation has changed me…painfully…but change nonetheless. Thanks for the simple yet oh so profound words…You will be disappointed in me.
    Oh that my weaknesses could point others to the ONE offering the strength, hope, and life. He indeed will never disappoint.
    Blessings to you today.
    ps…I LOVE your “branding”

  53. says

    I was suggested this blog by my cousin. I am not sure whether this post is written by him as nobody else know such detailed about my difficulty.

    You’re wonderful! Thanks!

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