The words hurt, cut like a knife.
My heart beat outside of my chest as I let her cloud of disappointment cover me.
Hurting people hurt people. She felt like I let her down and so she let me down. The accusations still ring.
This online space is a tricky place. I’ve spent four years confessing my struggles, trying to find joy in the moment, hoping to inspire the people who spend their time here. It’s not something I take lightly, you reading my words.
I’m reminded daily that God created something adequate out of this space and out of inadequate me. I need you to keep dreaming with me.
But I’ve always tried to be transparent. And in the last month, I’ve received a couple of emails and comments from a few people on different subjects, but all feeling like I’d let them down in some way. Oh, I get people and their opinions and it’s certainly not the first time I’ve had people disagree with me.
Somewhere along the way, some people got into their minds that I’m someone to look up to. You can only look up to people you place on a pedestal. The rest of us are eye to eye, trying to carve out what God wants to accomplish in and through us.
I don’t belong on a pedestal. Most days I find myself under it.
I’m not always a great wife or an awesome mom. I have really hard days just like you. I don’t always share the horrible moments because I’m flesh trying to live this out, messing up more than I can say.
But I am convinced that if you look up to me you will be disappointed.
You might not like that I lose it with my kiddos, nag my hubby, don’t use recycled bags or cook organic. You might be disappointed that when it gets really hard, I think about quitting (everything). You might be shocked at my discipline methods, thinking they are too strict or too lenient.
The bottom line: you will be disappointed in me.
And that’s why I do my best to point you to Him. Because He will never disappoint you.