Sometimes I Don’t Want to Be Brave

Nearly three weeks ago, the night before we left for Kenya, I let my fear get the best of me.

I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t keep the worries away.

The what-ifs filled my heart, my mind, the room.

I trembled.

I woke my sleeping husband and asked him to help me fight my fears.

I sobbed into my pillow as he prayed for peace to cover me.

When someone peers into my life from the outside, sees that I was bold enough to try and start something from nothing, dares to take my young children into a third world country, they say, “you are brave.”

And my fear, just under the surface, grips.

Because I am not courageous.

Again on a particularly challenging day during our trip, when my answers mocked all the questions, I quaked with fear. I am often overwhelmed with the unknown and my own inadequacy.

But bravery is sometimes being the only one who knows you’re scared to death and acknowledging just how much you need God.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. For now you are traveling the road between who you think you are and you can be.” -Meg Cabot.

Sometimes I don’t want to be brave.

But even more, I don’t want to be afraid.

Because this is more important than fear:

I think laughter may be a form of courage. As humans we sometimes stand tall and look into the sun and laugh, and I think we are never more brave than when we do that. -Linda Ellerbee


Comments

  1. says

    I so relate to this post. I had the opportunity to take my 8 year old daughter to Zambia this year and the day before we left was quaking with fear. I did not want to go. But I know this about myself. I know fear (and those infuriating what ifs) are something I struggle with and I hope, by God’s strength, I never make a decision based in fear. But man it is hard cause those feelings can be so strong!

  2. says

    I keep this one from Ann near by:

    Perhaps the opposite of faith is not doubt. Perhaps the opposite of faith is fear. –Ann Voskamp

    Those sweet baby giggles are definitely more important!

  3. Christina says

    A friend shared this quote with me, hope it helps you too.
    “Consult not your fears, but your hopes and your dreams.
    Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential.
    Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in,
    but with what it is still possible for you to do.”
    –Pope John XXIII
    Easier said than done maybe, but just keep being you!

  4. says

    Absolutely beautiful.

    I was trying to find this verse :

    2 Cor 12:9
    Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

    When I came across this verse:

    1 Cor 9:22-23
    When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some. I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings.

    Blessings on you today

  5. says

    Kristen,

    I can so relate. I just returned from Rwanda. I had a panic attack on my way to DC to catch my flight to Africa. I was determined that I was not going to get on that plane but I did. Each day was a challenge and a blessing. God met me each morning and made his presence abundantly clear each time my fear arose on the trip.

    Thanks for getting on the plane. I know that He blessed those kids and you for your courage.

  6. says

    Hey, next time you are quaking, feel free to jump online and wake us all up too! We’ll pray with you! Anyway, us folks in Australia ain’t even in bed when you are worrying in the middle of the night. Send us a blog SOS – we’re up!

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