How to Be a Good Husband

Q:

Hi Kristen,

I’m 25, about to get married in June next year and so there is a real curiosity on how to be a good husband. I’ve read a few books already. For Men Only and Christian Husband. I think my fiancee is the most amazing woman in the world and I want to reciprocate that. I guess I’m looking for  from the wife’s perspective.

I hope I’m not being too intrusive. I don’t think guys are supposed to ask girls for advice on how to be a husband.

Thanks for your time,

Billy

A:

Dear Billy,

I love that you asked me this question. I usually tell myself that men don’t read my blog.  But I’m sure you’re not the only one, so I thought I’d write this out loud for the men out there. I’ve never been a husband, but I’m married to a good one. If my husband wrote this list, it would look different, so I’m glad you’re asking from a wife’s perspective. I’m going to tell you what makes my man such a good husband. I think a lot of young men can learn from him.

  1. He listens to me. Looks me in the eye, stops multi-tasking and just quietly listens. I love that about him.
  2. He doesn’t try and fix whatever I tell him. He resists the urge to make it all right and just lets me talk.
  3. He encourages me like no one else. He is my best friend and acts like it.
  4. He believes in my crazy dreams and pushes me to chase them.
  5. He values what I do, even if I don’t get paid for it (being a mom, volunteering, etc)
  6. He recognized years ago that an occasional house cleaner would let me focus on the things only I can do.
  7. He tells me when he’s struggling and let’s me help if I can.
  8. He works hard. I’ve never once doubted he would do whatever he has to in order to provide for our family.
  9. He likes being with me, even if it’s just taking a drive or grocery shopping.
  10. He wants me and pursues me. Enough said.
  11. He dreams big with me. We’ve done some crazy stuff in our marriage. We are a team.
  12. He brings me sweet tea regularly.
  13. He turns off my alarm so I can sleep a little longer.
  14. He serves me on a daily basis.
  15. He doesn’t let me manipulate him. This is big. Because the bad part of me would.
  16. He leads our family.
  17. He picks up his dirty clothes (most of the time).
  18. He trusts me and we are partners in this life.
  19. He prays for me and with me.
  20. He loves God more than he loves me.

I’m just scratching the surface, Billy, but I hope this gives you some direction. Oh and one more thing, I think part of the answer you’re looking for can be found in your question. Don’t ever stop asking it.

Kristen

Do you have any advice for Billy? Please add it in the comments…


Comments

  1. 2

    says

    I would just add to this list that being on the same page with your spouse is so incredibly important (regardless of whether you are the husband or the wife). Talk at length BEFORE THE WEDDING about how you see your roles in your upcoming family. What are the husband’s responsibilities? What are the wife’s? Where do they overlap? How do you each think you’ll need support from the other to fulfill those roles?

    Once you’re married, reality won’t always allow you to be in your ideal roles entirely. That’s when the hard stuff begins. Having been really clear about your ideals allows you to work together in dealing with reality versus ideal. If you aren’t clear on what your goals are for your marriage before hand, reality will do a number on your marriage very quickly, and you and your wife won’t have the framework to cope.

  2. 4

    Donna says

    We’ve been married nearly 17 years and I have good man. Not to say there haven’t been bumps, but a very good man indeed. I’d echo everything that Kristen said, but I’ll add one additional….

    When it is clear that I have really been hurt by something he has done, it affects him. He lets me know, from the heart, how deeply he loves me and his desire to never hurt me. Even as uncomfortable as it may be, he gets emotional over me and the offense in these situations. And, especially since a recent incident and me dealing with some baggage, I have noticed that he has changed certain behaviors and is more aware of how some things affect me. It’s made me love, trust and respect him even more than I ever have. If that was even possible.

    The fact that you’re asking…. it says a lot!

  3. 5

    says

    “Oh and one more thing, I think part of the answer you’re looking for can be found in your question. Don’t ever stop asking it.”

    Yep! Hit the nail on the head. A husband who desires to be a good husband and takes the time to figure out what might help him accomplish that goal is nearly destined for success. :) Good on ya, Billy!

  4. 6

    Another husband says

    Whoops! That last link didn’t work. The correct URL is http://www.iamhusband.com. (If anyone that has editing privileges wanted to fix the previous link for me, that would be great.)

    While I’m here (again), I thought I’d offer another piece of advice:
    Pray for your wife (/fiancee), daily. It’s amazing what this can do both for her and for you, and for your marriage. This could be with her (praying over her), or it could be on your own. Either way, it’s effective and important.

  5. 7

    says

    Great list Kristen! A good husband should also communicate direction for the family. This is based in God as well as good solid dialogue between husband and wife.

  6. 8

    says

    Great post- what a blessed woman you are Kristen! If I could add my two cents, I’d say the number one thing for us to remember that how you treat your relationship with your future wife is a form of worship to the Lord. When you succeed and fail (because we all fail) that is ultimately between you and God first before it is between you and your spouse. Thankfully His unending grace applies as always. Keeping this in mind helps us keep our marriage Christ centered and incredibly fulfilling.

  7. 10

    says

    Aw, Billy. That’s sweet. I think Kristin’s right – so much of the answer is in the fact that you’re asking the question. Good for you. She’s compiled a really great list to get you started.

  8. 11

    Monika says

    #15 just socked me in the gut. I’m going to show this to my husband so we can talk about it. You’re such an inspiration to so many even though you won’t take credit for it.

  9. 14

    Leslie says

    Such a wonderful and inspiring post – I love that Billy asked these questions and I love that you gave such an honest response, Kristen. Reading this post has actually inspired me to compile a list of my own about what makes my husband so incredible too – he’s currently deployed so I’m planning on writing it to put in his next care package to encourage him and remind him of what an incredible man & husband that he is to me, even when he’s so far away. :)

  10. 15

    Sarah says

    You developed a great list! From the beginning my husband and I made a promise that divorce wuld never be an option, in fact we looked at it as a bad word. That sounds hard to fathom in the middle of the dreamy beginning together, but God seemed to be protecting us by opening our eyes to that “opportunity” that the enemy uses later in marriage. Sure enough there were times the word crossed my mind and I rebuked it and sought out my husband to discuss what was burdening me and we prayed together.
    Continue to ask God how to be the husband he created you to be. Keep forgiveness in your heart, it prevents resentment and is so tremendously important.
    Love her the way only you can! Keep your marriage a priority! I wish we would have started out with a weekly date night routine. Now we are developing it and it continues to bring more intimacy because we feel our marriage is special. I would even encourage you to have a date fund, whether you save up for trips or use it for weekly dates, starting out with that habit will absolutely set you up for success! God bless you and your fiancee as you joyously walk into the next chapter of your life together!

  11. 16

    Mary Beth says

    My husband has always stood up for me. When his parents or my parents are critical of me he always takes my side and stands up for me. This means so much – especially when you are new wife and still learning so much.

    He also says good things about me to the people he works with. I go to company parties and someone always says: “Wow, your husband loves you!” “Your husband is always talking about you!” “I know you from the picture on his phone – he shows it to everyone!”

    We have been married for 16 years. We have been through hard times but I know he loves me. He shows it.

  12. 17

    Julie says

    Wow! I love this. I love that you shared what works for you & suggested that this man continue to ask his wife what is going to work for them. Each marriage changes through the years & what you liked at the beginning of a marriage has certainly changed by the time that you have children. We all need to re-evaluate our relationships & both parties need to work on it. I love how you did this & I’ll bet that if your husband reads this, he will be surprised by some of the things that he didn’t realize mean so much to you.

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