I hate pornography. Just the word makes me want to vomit. Every week I get emails from wives who’ve discovered their husband’s struggle. Lately, the emails have been from mothers of boys.
I’m passionate about keeping it out of marriages and I’ve written a lot about it.
But with accessible technology at every turn, our children have become the target, specifically our visually-enticed sons.
I rarely have guest posters. When I do, it’s significant.
Please read. And join the fight.
I recently read the book entitled, “The Demise of Guys” and was totally shocked at the statistics reinforcing what I instinctively already knew in my head. As the author put it, “guys are flaming out”. Crashing and burning. Biting the dust.
Well, I for one, am not letting my guys ages 15, 10, 8 and almost 6 “flame out”. Nope… over my dead body is that going to happen.
These guys are growing up in a world that would have no problem if they just completely wasted all the potential they have wrapped up inside of them. Just chewed them up and spit them out. These guys need a man that has been down the road a little further than they have been, to help lead the way and educate them about all the pitfalls out there. That is what a real man does right?
So why are guys going down in flames? Well, there are a number of contributing factors but the two biggest reasons fit into the same category: technology. Specifically, video games and online pornography.
The average young person will spend 10,000 hours gaming by age 21. What? With so many boys running around now with a gaming device in their front pocket, I’m not really that surprised. Every time there is a spare minute, out comes the video game and the time wasting begins. The author put this in context when he stated that it takes the average college student only half that time – 4,800 hours – to earn a bachelor’s degree. Let’s see here… a college degree or hours of mind numbing gaming? Unfortunately, many guys are choosing the latter to their own demise. I’m not bashing the occasional virtual adventure on a winter day, but 10,000 hours? Come on.
The pornography business is picking up speed at a staggering rate and destroying guys left and right as it barrels down the tracks. One in three boys is now considered a “heavy” porn user, viewing nearly two hours of porn every week. Really? Seriously? Worldwide, pornography is almost a 100 billion dollar industry. This filth is peddled to anyone that will take a look, with the hope that they will take another look and yet another until they are stuck in an addictive cycle that destroys their ability to have normal interactions with others, especially those of the opposite sex.
Well, as disheartening as these statistics may be… take courage, I have a few simple solutions to consider:
First, boys need more to do. They need to be given more responsibility earlier on in life. How about some jobs around the house for heavens sake? It’s hard to game or get in trouble on the internet while you have a lawn mower or a paintbrush in your hand! Have them get off the couch or come out of their room, where they are more than likely gaming in seclusion, and do something productive. They might cuss you under their breath when they are younger but I believe they will praise your name later in life. Shoot, maybe even sincerely thank you face to face! Wouldn’t that be nice? The men that have my respect are real men that know how to work hard.
Secondly, boys need some goals. A clear vision of what they could or should be doing with their time. If they aren’t gaming so much or looking at porn, that leaves a lot of time to do something worthwhile. So sit down with your son, nephew, friend, whoever, and help open their eyes to the many other meaningful things that they could be doing with their time. Read good books, learn how to play an instrument or take on a new language. Get interested in a hobby like hunting or fishing or enroll them in some other organized sport. Maybe it’s weight lifting or running or mountain biking. Help them set some financial goals and teach them how to make good financial decisions. Help them understand that good things come to those that wait. Maybe it’s saving up for the car they might be dreaming of when they get into High School. As they set some goals and then make the effort to achieve those goals they will have an increased sense of self worth. Not some lame, fake, and fleeting self worth that comes from achieving another level on a video game or being momentarily aroused by yet another pornographic image.
You know what’s going to happen if we can keep them out of this technology trap? They are going to do better in school, have better social skills, be more self-motivated, learn how to work and make good money decisions. All in all, they are going to be more pleasant to be around. Bonus!
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying to go on complete and total technology lock down. Don’t freak out and pile up the iPhones and start a bon-fire or anything. These little gadgets are totally amazing if used for the right purposes. We just need to make sure that these guys that we are raising are given some guidance so they aren’t the ones that get run over by this technological train barreling down the tracks.
The demise of guys? Well, for my 4 guys it’s going to have to be over my dead body.
written by Gregg Murset is the Founder of www.myjobchart.com and father of 4 boys and 2 girls.
Wow!!! Thanks for posting! The things we just don’t know!
Thanks! Your writing is great and inspiring! Here in Holland is much porn too. And the worst part … from our parents heart come not automaticallyonly good things. Our children look to us therein. Even on Pinterest, we can see as women porn pictures, accidentally. And if we are tempted … and click on it … What we feel dirty afterwards!
We all needed a wall of fire. Prayers. Let we pray for each other, pray for our families. For our boys. But also for our girls. Tip: at the end of the week ask you husband: Darling, were you able to refuse watching sexual acts on the Internet? I call for openness under each other!
So glad I read this. ( I have three sons: 18, 14, 8 )
This is one of the reasons that I have mostly avoided using Pinterest. I am shocked and saddened by it. Everytime I’ve gone to the home page, it is there.EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Kristen,
I love you! Thank you for walking with me out of darkness. Thank you for standing boldly against the robbing of our boy’s minds. Together we will work to make sure that this is not the demise of our precious son!
T.
This post conflicts me. The first being that it focuses completely on guys, but I understand that, as long as parents realize that their daughters are also at risk of becoming addicted to pornography. The other one is the video game thing. While too much gaming is not healthy (10000 hours by age 21 is about 2 hours a day) I wouldn’t necessarily call playing video games wasting time, nor would I say it is totally in isolation. Many games are multiplayer online games, which you play while interacting with others, just digitally, and all video games build a lot of strategizing and problem solving skills. So yes cut back their gaming time, but it is not as bad as this article makes it out.
AMAZING POST!!!
Thank you!
Thank you Kristen,
I am also very concerned about this as God has given me two boys to raise. My husband has strurggled with porn for years and is beginning to heal and be free of it. I pray against this every day for my boys. One are I didn’t thing about was my work out videos. I’ve begun Turbo Fire and the boys used to watch me because I couldn’t do it before they woke up in the morning. I was horrified by the boys watching these girls work out with NO clothes on! So, now I make it work while they are sleeping either in the morning or at nap/rest time. We’ll have to see how it works out when the boys are older. Thank you again for this encouragement to keep our boys away from screens.
This is so timely! I’ve really been struggling with my 9 year old son who would really rather spend all of his free time gaming. He is fine when he is redirected and has somehting else to do, but the video games are always what he picks to do when given the choice. Thanks for the back-up that I am making the right decision.
This is perfect timing! I’ve been wanting my son (13 yrs) to cut back on gaming and surfing the net but thought I was making to big a deal out it. But not after reading this!! I’m taking back my son and his future. If I don’t stand and make sure he’s protected, who will??
It doesn’t seem right that when given a choice my boys (9 and 7) will pick video games over other entertainment every time. I too felt like maybe I was overthinking it and have been letting it go lately. Not any more. It isn’t right and I need to take the reins back on this issue. Thank you for posting this and verifying that my feelings were right.
After a youtube incident with our sons (ages 10 and 8) — they were viewing Super Mario Bros videos on there without our knowledge, thank GOD it wasn’t anything else, but it could have been— we installed Covenant Eyes filtering software on our computers. For $13.99 a month we have peace of mind that even if our sons were able to get to a website with offensive images, they won’t be able to view it because Covenant Eyes blocks all the images. Anyway, that was a wake up call and thankfully it wasn’t a painful one.
We also drastically limited video game use in our home as well as TV, even computer math games. Technology is a tool if used properly, but it can also destroy if misused.
I found the rewiring part very interesting. Well we are creating new brain paths by reading, drawing, constructing, etc.
Thanks for bringing up this difficult but necessary topic.
Blessings,
Jennifer
I agree that video games and porn are an issues that create situations I want to protect both my husband and son from. On the other hand, I have played video games, and that’s how Hubby truly relaxes, and I’m not sure that video games and porn should be conflated so. Porn impacts not just that young man, but his (future) wife and marriage, and then any children. That it can be gotten on a computer is an issue in its self, but doesn’t suddenly put video games on the same level. Video games can be played in a healthy way, with moderation, and even socially (Hubby and I have played together!). Porn, on the other hand, is not something that people normally share and is a source of shame for many.
I recognize that I might not fully understand what is being argued here. And I do believe that the general trend of technology addictions needs to be addresses. I just want to be clear what the issue really is.
Thank you so much for posting this article. It was an eye-opener for me! I have two elementary school aged boys that just got their first ipod touch recently, and I know I need to be setting healthy limits with this technology now to avoid these problems later.
I appreciated the very practical suggestions for how to avoid these pitfalls. Time to ramp up the chore lists!
well said. Thank you for sharing. Love you.
I’m not here yet but it is on my radar! My oldest is a 11 yo boy and we talk a lot about being respectful of women and his sisters. My husband is a wonderful role model on treating women with respect. My problem is in trying to explain to my kids why some women chose to dress (or not dress) appropriately. I try to explain that everyone makes choices and our choice as a family may not be what other families chose . . . I want to promote tolerance and being open to differing opinions, yet, I don’t want to see the thongs and other “business” that is hanging out!
How can girls respect themselves when their role models are wearing “juicy” across the butt? As a Mom if you wear that–what are you telling your boys or other boys?
I think the focus should be on the dignity of the human being . . . if we treat each other with dignity and respect . . . we will be kept very busy.
Be Blessed.
The leap from video games to porn viewing seems extreme. I personally am not a fan of video games but I have met kids who have learned to read, type, create extremely detailed fictional characters and problem solve while playing video games. I have also met families that have learned a lot about each other and become a tighter knit family while playing video games together.
It’s not as big of a leap as you may think. My son was playing Angry Birds on my Kindle Fire and was given the option of watching an Angry Birds ad on YouTube, which he did. On the sidebar there were suggested videos so he kept clicking and eventually ended up on a video of a girl stripping. We have very strict rules about video games/computers having to be played in sight of everyone (no being online in a bedroom!) so we caught it pretty quick but the damage was already done.
Being a mom to 5 little boys, I am so thankful for this post! I am concerned with the handheld devices at such young ages and how they are going to affect relationships even without pornography involved. I have already noticed a lot less eye contact with people because they constantly look down at their phones. So much is so right at our fingertips- that isn’t always a good thing. Anyways, we are already planning how to navigate through this because we want to raise these boys pure and to be able to relate to people and not be glued to technology. I appreciate advice like this to help us raise our boys right.
There is a major technology addiction in our country. Yes. It IS that bad. My husband is an ER physician and he routinely walks out of exam rooms where the *patient* could not put down his/her phone long enough to listen to his instructions on how to treat their injury/illness. The other day at the hairdresser I had a pediatrician commend me that my girls were actually reading books while I got my haircut instead of gaming. She says she hardly ever sees that anymore.
Video games are a total waste of time. I’m with the author. There is nothing wrong with the occasional down time on a winter day, or a day that’s simply too scalding hot to go outside and just relax playing a game for 15-30 minutes. But it’s the HOURS of playing, the addiction, THAT is the problem.
This is a great article and very eye-opening for many, I am sure. It can be hard, for some, I am sure to put the gaming devices and smartphones DOWN and actually LIVE – but I think this post totally goes with the idea of living counter-culturally. Romans 12:2 – Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
I think that God created men and boys with a desire for adventure and conquering so that they would want to step out and do brave things for God, conquering the evil in their own lives and changing the evil in the world. Many (but not all) video games tap into those needs and provide a *counterfeit mission.* Guys are not just flaming out; they are doing so at great cost to families, the Church and the Kingdom.
And yes; girls/women are flaming out, too. (Facebook games are DESIGNED to be addictive! Pinterest can encourage discontentment and materialism.) Just because this post focuses on one thing doesn’t mean it’s against what’s unsaid in that regard. It’s called editing.
Also, a note to parents…
Doing all the protecting for your boys when they’re small is appropriate. However, as they enter the teen years, you need to be equipping and talking w/ your guys about why and how to exercise self-control when they’re on their own.
Some great thoughts on how to raise boys, filled with practical application. Definitely agree with giving them more responsibility: I think most kids today are more entitled then they are empowered.
I’d challenge you to put some of the same practical insight into your crafting of an argument against video games. You list no information that actually explains why video games my not be a wise idea. Comparing 10,000 hours over 21 years to 4,800 hours to earn a 4 year degree isn’t a side-by-side comparison. In fact, the math behind your numbers would suggest that college boys spend more time studying in college than they do on video games during that 4 year span: which I find encouraging. You call gaming “mind-numbing” without articulating any supporting arguments: I can see most people arguing that the problem-solving skills that can accompany many games, combined with an affinity towards advanced technology, a more beneficial time investment then mowing a lawn. I expect you can find some actual reasons, supported by facts, as to why video games should be limited: but you haven’t presented any.
Additionally, you make some blanket statements against the porn industry that aren’t well supported either. While I’m confident Satan uses porn to destroy lives, I don’t think insinuating that all people in that industry are seeking to “destroy.. (their customers)…ability to have normal interactions with others” is either accurate or fair.
While I don’t doubt they are well intended, the blanket, unsupported statements you throw out come across more pharisaical than they do Christ-centered.
Thanks for encouraging parents to put thought into how they raise their children.
Thank you for speaking out against porn. Those are some scary statistics! I’ve heard recently that, in the US, the average age for first viewing porn is now eight. Eight!
I’m pretty appalled when I think of the kind of porn that is common on the internet. The images and videos out there are not just depicting men and women having sex, instead they are depicting men raping, abusing and humiliating women. I’m having trouble imagining the impact that all of this violent, sadistic porn is having on boys’ (and girls’) minds… and behaviours.
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