This time last year, I wrote this post. I had no idea it would be so popular (pinned more than 180,000 times) or so controversial (comments, whoa). Bottom line: there are a lot of people who want to make their marriage rock. I started thinking about all the things we do (out of habit, ignorance or selfishness) that make our marriages mediocre. Sometimes we just need to see them in black and white.
- Stop pursuing each other
- Discourage your spouse’s dreams
- Don’t worry about romance
- Doubt your husband’s word
- Remind your wife of the past on a regular basis
- Fight unfair
- Don’t pray together
- Skip church
- Play the blame game
- Pout often
- Let a film of dust cover your Bible
- Don’t show affection in front of your kids
- Keep secrets
- Believe that your spouse would never be tempted to look at pornography
- Compare your husband to your friend’s perfect husband
- Have sex out of duty
- Stay up and watch TV while your wife goes to bed
- Never make time for a date night
- Overspend
- Use the silent treatment often
- Disrespect your husband
- Criticize your mate on a regular basis
- Flirt with old friends on Facebook
- Talk badly about your spouse behind their back
- Make a mess and never clean it up
- Focus only on your hobbies
- Be a name caller
- Complain about how often he wants to have sex
- Complain about how often she never wants to have it
- Fall out of love
- Don’t ever bring her flowers
- Never attend counseling
- Or read a marriage book
- Look at your smart phone while she is talking to you
- Only touch when absolutely necessary
- Pick him apart and make every little thing a big deal
- Hide your feelings
- And then resent your spouse for not knowing them
- Use sarcasm constantly
- Start an emotional affair
- Say “It’s not my fault” often
- Over commit your kids and fall into bed exhausted every night
- Take a long second (and third) look at your attractive co-worker
- Make your life all about you
- Nag
- Lie about how much you really spent on your shopping trip to the mall
- Hold onto unforgiveness
- Don’t apologize
- Try to change your mate, but never yourself
- Be defensive
- Make her feel like she’s not a good mother
- Withdraw
- Be immature
- Ignore what God is asking you to do
- Doubt your husband’s role as a father
- Yell
- Live with unrealistic expectations
- Get into debt
- Be a tease
- Don’t do what you say you will do
- Read 50 Shades of Gray
- Let your spouse carry most of the workload
- Use the words “always” and “never” when you’re disagreeing
- Don’t call when you’re going to be late
- Overreact
- Choose anger
- Don’t do fun things together
- Don’t give your spouse attention
- Put your kids before your marriage
- Give your children permission when your spouse doesn’t
- Resent her
- Ignore him
- Tell the inlaws all the details of your arguments
- Don’t communicate as lovers
- Fantasize about other people
- Put your job before your family
- Don’t work on your friendship with your spouse
- Act like you really don’t like your mate
- When he compliments you, don’t receive it
- Do what you’ve always done
- When your spouse asks you to help out or serve them, say no.
- Don’t try to make her happy
- Don’t try anything new together
- Undermine your spouse
- Try to fix all her problems
- Talk all the time and never let him say a word
- Make listening optional
- Don’t kiss
- Threaten divorce
- Collect unresolved issues
- Don’t make family dinners a priority
- Let the TV stay on constantly
- Keep God out of your day-to-day living
- Don’t be vulnerable
- Or share intimacy
- Forget why you fell in love
- Be ungrateful
- Stop loving and believing in yourself
- Believe that your marriage will never be better than it is right now
- Give up
What would you add in the comments?
Hi Kristen. This is a very good list of what not to do. I should know. I am recently divorced and I can honestly say that either myself or my ex-husband (or both of us) are guilty of a large portion of the things on this list. I hope your other readers will take it seriously whether their marriage is solid or struggling. Your spouse should be number 2 in your life. Not your kids, your job, your sports team or your girlfriends. I can speak from experience that doing the things on this list will eventually strangle your marriage. And I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Hi Sara…I’m so sorry…Wonder if there’s a chance you two could re-kindle things? Not too hard to pray about!
Praying for you and with you.
Wonderful list of things not to do. I see a few that I can be guilty of, to my shame. Thanks for posting!
Love this! I’m printing it as a reference. I am definitely guilty of some of these things and I want my marriage to ROCK!!
Loved this. About to hit 12 years married (and 5 kids…so far!) and doing our best to NOT do these things
What I’d like to see next: a post like this about mothering
Oh, and by the way, the one about 50 Shades of Gray cracked me up! I told my husband, “it’s nothing but literary porn!”
I TOTALLY agree. As an English teacher and a follower of Christ, I am sickened by how popular those books (and other pieces of written garbage) are.
50 Shades of Gray for the gals, Game of Thrones TV series for the guys…..that’ll mediocre a marriage!
Love it, Kristen…and love that picture! You guys always have the best family pics!
I think you’re right that it’s one thing to hear a list of things to do (e.g., be quick to apologize, do fun things together), but another thing to hear the negative counterparts. It gets you thinking in a different way.
It seems to me that just about everything on the list requires one of just a few antidotes: commitment, sacrificial love, or hard work. While these aren’t easy, I continuously pray for strength to meet the challenge so I make sure my marriage “rocks.”
Loved it. Great list and great reminders of what not to do.
You always offer words of wisdom, Kristen. Sometimes people have a hard time hearing wisdom because their hearts are not open to God or areas of their hearts are closed off. However, I greatly appreciate that you always share what you know is the TRUTH and not worry about who might be offending or disagree. So proud of you that you step out in faith and live your life intentionally. This is a great list – and that word – MEDIOCRE – isn’t it funny how people think, “hey, we’re average. It’s OK.” But once you say “mediocre,” suddenly it has a different feel. Love it – I never want to live mediocre life! I want the abundant life and to be a Rockin’ Wife!
101. Make everything in life into a competition with your spouse
102. Post everything about your personal life on facebook
103. Don’t consider your vows as sacred.
who hasn’t chosen any number of these foolish choices over and over again …
this list is a keeper. and so are you, kristen!
I might add to point #14 if he confesses flip out, freak out and emotionally disown him.
In reality the dude just confessed the worst social sin our of day because he loves you and needs help. Do not dare react in the flesh if you really love your man. Swallow your pride and realize how much strength it took him to come forward and reach out to you.
If your guy got caught but seems honestly struggling be there in the same way as if he confessed first. This thing is so hard to beat on your own. It is on the same level as alcohol or drug addiction in the sheer mental and emotional strength required to even enter into the battle of beating it.
Do not tell anyone except a trusted counsoler such as a pastor or other. Friends and relatives do not count no matter how close they are. They will not judge based on your love but on social norms which is to hate and treat your husband like a leper.
For every selfish pig that is revelling in his secret hundereds more are trapped in bondage because of the extreme unChrist-like way we have of treating those reaching out for help which bar them from being able to say “I need help!”
Could not agree more with how you put this!! Excellent.. EXCELLENT advice!! And what’s great is it CAN be overcome! With Christ, counseling, and choosing EVERY DAY to fill time with good choices/actions, my hubby has been ‘clean’ almost two whole years now. To God be the glory!! So thankful for his humble heart… For his choice to DO something about it!
Thanks for reposting. I needed the reminder.
So…I just glanced back at last year’s post for a quick reminder of what to do (to go along with what not to do)—WOW! Some of those comments were…yeah. That said, I remember your post from last year and loved it when you wrote it. This year’s post is equally amazing. Thank you so much for being so willing and faithful to share with us, even after the crazy comments :0)
I love this. I went to a FOREVER FOR REAL conference over the weekend and it encouraged me to be a better wife. I initially went for work,but got refreshed on things I ALREADY KNEW, but had forgotten to DO!! I just thought…..I am doing this for work….I should be doing this for my hubby and my daughter! He is my perfect 10!! I want to keep him happy!!!
Good stuff. Really good stuff. Hard stuff.
I am forwarding this list to my hubs and going to highlight those I am guilty of. Thanks for the heart check.
Going through this list is a scary reminder of how easy it is to fall into habits that seem “harmless” but can totally sabotage a relationship. Seeing a number that myself and my husband are guilty of is a real wakeup call. It is easy in this instant gratification culture we live in to forget that real things require work. Thanks so much for this.
Great post! My husband and I (senior pastors) are doing a series this month (Feb.) entitled “All You Need is Love” as in faith works by love, loving yourself in order to love others, etc. Would it be OK if I copied this list and gave it as a handout? Of course, I would credit it to you and share your site. Sunday we are talking about boundaries (in dating, marriage, children & in-laws). On the last Sunday of the month, the entire pastoral staff (youth, etc.) will be answering questions. We’ve had a box in the INFO center where people could write out any questions on relationships and drop it in the box anonymously.
Here! Here! To this list and last year’s list!!! Well done!
Now to get to work.
HA HA! I would love to know who’d argue with this??? It’s pretty real to me! Good job, girlfriend! High-five! (Thanks for the reminder…Aaaaag)
What a fantastic reminder to someone struggling to balance being a new mother with my marriage. Great points. (PS. #9 & 88 are the same! This could be on purpose….)
Reading your posts always make me want to be a better wife.
Love this post going to share it right now!
A powerful and convicting list. Thank you.
Well said. I also like that guy Bob’ suggest ions of 101,2&3. This is so powerfully felt because you reversed the goody goody stuff we often hear for good marriages. Those things can roll off our backs like just another thing we should be doing but aren’t. But when you put it this way, it just is a zinger. Well done.
I am a Christian and I am in graduate school to earn a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy so I can help the Body of Christ have more satisfying marriages and help them avoid divorce. I can tell you this list is amazingly accurate. Dr. John Gottman has done extensive research on couples and states the 4 things that predict a marriage ending are contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. All these things are conveyed in your list. With your permission, I’d love to print this list, along with your web address as a resource for my clients.