I think I am depressed.
I’ve been here before. So maybe I recognize this place. It’s different. It’s the same.
But don’t worry, I know my way out of this twisting tunnel. I just walk towards the light.
It’s not like the scary hormonal roller coaster I rode into the valley after my son was born with high highs and low lows, unexpected dips and turns. It was a wild ride and I desperately wanted off. And it’s different from the dark weeks that followed my marriage falling apart, when I couldn’t eat or sleep or function because I focused every ounce of energy on forgiveness and love.
I can see now what I couldn’t see then and I can honestly thank God for those past broken places. Broken places heal stronger. And I can only hope one day in the future this will make sense to me.
It’s sort of like the first time I returned from Kenya:
I’m getting dressed and making dinner, folding clothes and allowing obscene amounts of Netflix in my house. I am functioning, but in a fog, filled with a deep, abiding sorrow and a heavy cloud hovering even on all the good in my life.
But I’ve learned in the valley when you’re face to face with grief and pain and change, God doesn’t always make sense.
Three years ago, when I stood on this filthy path and asked God how he could allow His people to suffer, He asked me the same thing.
I haven’t been the same since that day. It’s etched on my soul. I asked God to break my heart with what broke His, He has. Over and over. Sometimes it looks like a hopeless pregnant girl in the slum or a dirty baby sitting on a pile of trash. Sometimes it’s a heart attack or heartache.
And sometimes it’s both at the same time.
When Jesus looked over the city and had compassion on the people, he didn’t just love them, He suffered with them.
I’m beginning to understand what that kind of love looks like, that kind of compassion is about hurting with those who hurt.
I’ve never experienced more joy or more sorrow or felt more meaning to my life than I have in the past couple of years. I’ve never felt more alive or more desperate to touch His hem.
The darkness in our lives only makes Jesus shine brighter. Isaiah 41:10 “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”
I believe we are created for two reasons: to fellowship with God and to bring Him glory.
I want to do both.
Even when neither make sense.