I returned from a whirlwind trip to South Carolina this weekend where I attended the Allume Conference. I went to represent Mercy House for the (in)mercy project. We are on Phase #5 now –the big one–because God surprised us by funding phases 3 & 4 in just days. He’s amazing like that.
But I arrived with a burden, a big question mark in my heart about some stuff relating to my husband’s job and I lugged that heavy baggage with me. It didn’t get in the way when we asked the Allume crowd to help us kick off the last (in)mercy phase by giving $1500, and we got more than $4000 in 10 minutes. I spent the rest of the weekend high-fiving people and trying not to think about the load on my heart.
Because here’s the deal: I hold 1000 miracles, one-thousand, ONE-THOUSAND MIRACLES in one hand. Miracles I have seen and experienced as I’ve watched God unfold this story. He has multiplied the fish and the loaves and done the impossible again and again. He has created something from nothing. God has made the inadequate, enough.
This is what chasing God looks like. He is always a step ahead and He is never late.
But me? I’m not so stable as I run. I’m wobbly and some days, limping.
Because in the other hand, I am still waiting for a miracle–one more–doubting, worrying, asking because I can’t figure out the next step. It’s as if my two hands-one that cannot contain all God has done and the other questioning what He will do–aren’t connected.
The world is like that–it knocks us down and we’re left scrambling to get our feet under us again.
Doubt is a heavy burden. It leaves me feeling precarious, faltering. Once I was back home, I couldn’t stand under the weight of it any longer. I opened my Bible and read these words:
“Get on your knees before the Master, it is the only way you’ll get back on your feet.” James 4:10
There is something sacred and holy in bending low. I dropped to my knees and laid my burden down. I confessed my doubt, my unbelief and I spread open my hands so one could see the other. I cried and I submitted my pride, my will and my doubt to Him, again. It’s in bending low to wipe up the messes, clean away the grime, lend a hand to someone who’s fallen, crouch in the dirt to whisper hope, this is where we find Jesus.
And so, I will keep bending. I will keep chasing God. I will wait and I will believe for what seems impossible.
I will live mercy.
Because kneeling before Jesus, it’s the only sure way to get back on our feet.
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