“When are you going to forgive me?” he asked quietly as I walked past him in the bed, throbbing leg elevated under a massive pile of pillows.
I stopped mid-stride.
I had just refilled his ice bags, served him a meal on a TV tray and fished the remote from under the bed.
I was tempted to react, defend myself, deny unforgiveness and point out all the things I was doing to serve him. But we both knew the unforgiveness was there– unspoken, obvious and taking up space in our marriage like the wheelchair, scooter and crutches leaning against the wall in our room.
My husband of nearly 23 years crushed his ankle while riding a skateboard with our kids and dog across the street from our house 17 weeks ago. After months of bedrest, surgery, plates and pins, last week we learned his bones aren’t growing together and his journey to walk again is really just getting started.
Somewhere between him hopping on that skateboard (with me rolling my eyes as he rode off, yelling “be careful”), hours of surgery, weeks of recovery, canceling our vacation, learning to be a nurse to a stubborn patient, I became angry. And we both became depressed. And together, we discovered this new place in our marriage.
I sighed at his question. “I’m working on it,” I replied.
He nodded his head and I walked out of the room.
He’s always been the risk-taker, an adventure-lover and I’ve always been the exact opposite. It’s one of the things we love about each other and argue about the most! And in all our years together, my husband has never spent more than one day in bed. And I have never been his nurse.
So, yeah, for the last five months of marriage, I’m learning how to love my husband for better or worse, in shattered-ankle-non-weight-bearing-sickness and health.
I’ve learned a lot about myself in this season–most of it isn’t worth bragging about. First, immediately after his accident, I discovered that I was burned out. After spending nearly a decade starting and running Mercy House while mothering three kids, I didn’t have anything left to give. Especially to my husband.
I was impatient and irritated. Besides being angry at how he got hurt, I also discovered I had a pride issues–which became glaringly clear watching strangers watch my husband –from struggling on crutches, to asking strange questions about his hands-free iWalk, to staring at him while he crawled in the sand to get to the ocean while at the beach.
I learned how much I had taken my husband for granted in all the small ways he has served me and our family for decades–from putting our youngest to bed upstairs, to cooking dinner, surprising me regularly with sweet tea, you name it. It became obvious very quickly when his normal routine changed.
And maybe the worst discovery, or at least the hardest to admit, was I realized I was lazy… I mentioned this to him one night as I locked up the house, took the dog out to the bathroom, made sure the kids were in bed and he laughed and said, “yeah, before my accident, you never got out of bed after your bath.”
But it was the unforgiveness that threatened us most. I needed to forgive my husband for being human and he needed to forgive himself for the same thing.
And we are working on that every day.
This entire journey has been a hard reminder that my marriage won’t be any better than my own personal relationship with Jesus. They go hand-in-hand. If I’m not growing closer to Christ, I certainly won’t be growing closer to my husband.
While a broken leg isn’t the worst thing to deal with in a marriage, it has revealed areas of weakness we didn’t know existed–in each other and in our union. But as my pastor said at church in our study of Ruth, “Suffering does things inside of us that comfort cannot do.”
And we are learning them in this uncomfortable season in our marriage.
I don’t know how long my husband won’t be able to walk. But I do know that he won’t do it alone.
I made this comment on your Facebook post also and just copied it here because it says all I wanted to say and probably more.
I have been bedridden since January 2014, though it was through no accident but serious issues with my si joints, lower back, and hips from serious abuse I suffered as a child. I can tell you that there’s a huge amount of guilt that I feel, even though it wasn’t my fault. I cringe everytime I have to have meals served to me in bed and whenI hear my husband getting frustrated at fixing dinner. I believe that the person who is hurt/disabled has a hard road at forgiving themselves because they know the amount of work that the other person is having to shoulder. I’m sure it’s hard to forgive him for what he did but know that he harbors enough unforgiveness for the both of you in just himself. I have always said forgiveness is a journey. I’m still forgiving my family daily for bring me up in a multi-generational satanic cult and subjecting me to horrors that you would never dream of in your worst nightmares. The first step is to say that you want to forgive that person and then you take steps from there and it won’t be easy. I will be praying for you because I know exactly what you are going thru. It gets better.
I am 17 days in a cast after surgery to repair a torn tendon. As the mother of 7 children, I don’t let others help me. My husband works 12 hour days, a lot of overtime and hunts to provide for our family. These last few days I realized my pride was in my way to receive dinners from our church families and help from my older daughters. All I have done is apologize every time someone has been helping me. My daughter tried to explain to me that it was my turn to rest and let others take care of my younger children. Thank for this post, I did read it with an open heart, and I received the love . Forgiving yourself is hard, I choose to forgive myself and to receive the love of all those here to help me.
This is related from another side of things..,I had 3 big surgeries on my leg and found that bone grafts don’t heal as good at 50 years old vs 20. I did everything I could on my side of it, but really only God makes it grow. I’m doing ok now, but any leg/bone issues remind me that walking is a gift. I don’t love my limp, but I can walk and for that I am thankful. Wishing you all the best during this time, waiting and hoping with you. These are not the way we like to learn life’s lessons. 🙂 Thanks for sharing, Kristen.
Thank you for sharing so honestly what happens with real people in real life!
I could have written this post. Thank you for opening my eyes. My husband had 2 major intestinal surgeries in the past 2 years with the most recent being in April of this year. I was angry at him for something he had absolutely no control over. I was being selfish. I tried not to show him how his illness had affected me but I know he knew. Thank you for helping me realize how selfish I was.
Your words resonate in my heart as my husband and I have walked a very similar road this year. Thank you for sharing your story.
I love your transparency – I will pray for you and your hubby as you walk this road. You are on the right path holding tight to Jesus.
This post resonates so much with me! My husband was injured in 2011 and I walked the walk of caretaker for 6 plus months while he was in and out of the hospital having surgeries and with infections and other issues. We had a one year old and two year old at the time. Fast forward to 2016 and I became the injured and he the caretaker as I have been in the one in and out of the hospital with 3 major back surgeries and infections and chronic pain issues as well as other lingering issues. It’s been a HARD road and our marriage has been tested. Especially now with 3 busy children who are in school, and activities, and on the go. I feel tremendous guilt for not being enough and the role of caretaker is hard for him. I can very much relate and appreciate this and my prayers are with your family. It will get better, hang in there!
They diagnosed me with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) nearly 2 years ago. The symptoms were so bad I thought I was dying. I had to rely on the Lord for every breath that I took. It completely stopped us in our tracks. I became bed ridden, and was completely dependent on my husband. Fast forward 2 years later – still dependent.
More times than not, research shows that sickness and disease can destroy families. I believe sickness and disease is a major tool the enemy uses to divide and separate families. My husband works full time (he works nights so he can take care of me during the day), and we have 2 young (and very active) children. I had to stop working so our income has decreased as well. Times haven’t been easy, BUT, God has proven himself faithful to us. He reminds us everyday that we are a team (in sickness and in health), and that we have a covenant with Him. My husband kneels by our bed every night and prays for me (he thinks I’m sleeping) but I see him kneeling and praying. What the enemy meant for harm, God has used to strengthen us. We are closer than we have ever been, and our amazing kids have been walking this journey with us. Even in the midst of a trial, we thank God for Himself and for each other. I am so thankful to be alive and to be the wife of the most amazing, God-centered man ever.
Praying for you and your husband.
What happens when the accident isn’t your fault. I was hit head on by a drugged driver 5 years ago. I spent 24 days in ICU, 36 days in in-patient rehab, nearly 3 months at my mother’s house when I was released as our house wasn’t wheel chair friendly, and since then have undergone 39 surgeries and spent too many days to count in casts and bed. I have become what I feel is a burden to my husband and our son. He has never once let on that it is anything but a privilege to care for me from the first moment in ICU. I don’t know how he does it, because the pressure and stress has to be exhausting. I know I feel a great amount of guilt at not being able to contribute as I used to. I thank God for him everyday.
I’m so sorry, friend. I’ve been there.