100 Ways to Make Your Marriage Mediocre

This time last year, I wrote this post. I had no idea it would be so popular (pinned more than 180,000 times) or so controversial (comments, whoa). Bottom line: there are a lot of people who want to make their marriage rock. I started thinking about all the things we do (out of habit, ignorance or selfishness) that make our marriages mediocre. Sometimes we just need to see them in black and white.

  1. Stop pursuing each other
  2. Discourage your spouse’s dreams
  3. Don’t worry about romance
  4. Doubt your husband’s word
  5. Remind your wife of the past on a regular basis
  6. Fight unfair
  7. Don’t pray together
  8. Skip church
  9. Play the blame game
  10. Pout often
  11. Let a film of dust cover your Bible
  12. Don’t show affection in front of your kids
  13. Keep secrets
  14. Believe that your spouse would never be tempted to look at pornography
  15. Compare your husband to your friend’s perfect husband
  16. Have sex out of duty
  17. Stay up and watch TV while your wife goes to bed
  18. Never make time for a date night
  19. Overspend
  20. Use the silent treatment often
  21. Disrespect your husband
  22. Criticize your mate on a regular basis
  23. Flirt with old friends on Facebook
  24. Talk badly about your spouse behind their back
  25. Make a mess and never clean it up
  26. Focus only on your hobbies
  27. Be a name caller
  28. Complain about how often he wants to have sex
  29. Complain about how often she never wants to have it
  30. Fall out of love
  31. Don’t ever bring her flowers
  32. Never attend counseling
  33. Or read a marriage book
  34. Look at your smart phone while she is talking to you
  35. Only touch when absolutely necessary
  36. Pick him apart and make every little thing a big deal
  37. Hide your feelings
  38. And then resent your spouse for not knowing them
  39. Use sarcasm constantly
  40. Start an emotional affair
  41. Say “It’s not my fault” often
  42. Over commit your kids and fall into bed exhausted every night
  43. Take a long second (and third) look at your attractive co-worker
  44. Make your life all about you
  45. Nag
  46. Lie about how much you really spent on your shopping trip to the mall
  47. Hold onto unforgiveness
  48. Don’t apologize
  49. Try to change your mate, but never yourself
  50. Be defensive
  51. Make her feel like she’s not a good mother
  52. Withdraw
  53. Be immature
  54. Ignore what God is asking you to do
  55. Doubt your husband’s role as a father
  56. Yell
  57. Live with unrealistic expectations
  58. Get into debt
  59. Be a tease
  60. Don’t do what you say you will do
  61. Read 50 Shades of Gray
  62. Let your spouse carry most of the workload
  63. Use the words “always” and “never” when you’re disagreeing
  64. Don’t call when you’re going to be late
  65. Overreact
  66. Choose anger
  67. Don’t do fun things together
  68. Don’t give your spouse attention
  69. Put your kids before your marriage
  70. Give your children permission when your spouse doesn’t
  71. Resent her
  72. Ignore him
  73. Tell the inlaws all the details of your arguments
  74. Don’t communicate as lovers
  75. Fantasize about other people
  76. Put your job before your family
  77. Don’t work on your friendship with your spouse
  78. Act like you really don’t like your mate
  79. When he compliments you, don’t receive it
  80. Do what you’ve always done
  81. When your spouse asks you to help out or serve them, say no.
  82. Don’t try to make her happy
  83. Don’t try anything new together
  84. Undermine your spouse
  85. Try to fix all her problems
  86. Talk all the time and never let him say a word
  87. Make listening optional
  88. Don’t kiss
  89. Threaten divorce
  90. Collect unresolved issues
  91. Don’t make family dinners a priority
  92. Let the TV stay on constantly
  93. Keep God out of your day-to-day living
  94. Don’t be vulnerable
  95. Or share intimacy
  96. Forget why you fell in love
  97. Be ungrateful
  98. Stop loving and believing in yourself
  99. Believe that your marriage will never be better than it is right now
  100. Give up

What would you add in the comments?


We Go Together {Giveaway}

UPDATE: Melissa E., comment #28, is the winner of this giveaway.

I’ve been working on a project for months in the cracks of my time.

My husband has listened patiently and pushed me gently.

And then last week, some pieces fell together and while I was helping my Kindergartner with sight words after school, I moved one step closer to my goal and that made me squeal. Literally.

She just looked at me like I was crazy.

She’s a perceptive child.

But I knew I wouldn’t be able to truly rejoice until I talked with my best friend. I called my husband at work. His response made my joy complete because he has been with me on the journey.

My husband lost his sister and one of his closest friends a month ago this week. His sorrow is great and there is a cloud of sadness that hangs heavy. It’s unchartered waters, this grief that invades every space at the most unexpected moments. It comes in waves and just when you think you can laugh again, you cry. But he isn’t grieving alone.

We don’t always agree.

We don’t always get along.

But we are one.

We go together. His grief is mine. My joy is his. It’s the sacred gift of marriage, this unexplainable, undeniable act of becoming One. It’s the most precious gift we share.

It’s what helps us thru the valleys and the mountaintops, the sheer pleasure of facing them together.

And that’s why I love Union 28‘s new Valentine’s marriage shirts.

Today, I’m giving away a set of these new ONENESS his and hers shirts. Plus, get 10% off with this code U28LoveMH10  (reader gets 10% off AND Mercy House gets 10% of sale) Code is valid thru 2/16/13

Simply enter code at checkout to get 10% off & give 10% to Mercy House!

Leave a comment and tell me your favorite shirt.

Giveaway ends on Tuesday.


Secrets to a Successful Marriage {FREE PRINTABLE}

I lay in the curve of his arm and breathe deep. He smoothes my hair away from my face and replaces it with a soft kiss.

And after so many years together, we rarely hold back what’s in our heart. “I feel like I’m falling in love with you,” I whisper.

Again?” he smiles with raised eyebrows and pulls me closer.

Five Things that Have Made Our Marriage Successful:

We are good forgivers: Let’s be honest, if you’ve been married for a week or 230 of them, you’ve been given the opportunity to forgive your spouse. Forgiveness releases the other person from their offense, but more importantly, it frees you to choose love. And there’s been a lot to forgive in our 942 weeks together, but we are getting good at it.

We fight fair (except when we don’t): Marriage is the perfect breeding ground for arguments. Couples who aren’t occasionally disagreeing, probably aren’t communicating well. It’s not if we fight, it’s when. Further damage occurs in the how. We can literally destroy each other with words. But when we let kindness be our guide, our disagreements actually move us further along in our marriage.

We write each other letters: He gave me this box years ago. He puts letters in it. I write him notes and blog posts and our words find their mark. There’s just something powerful that happens when you write your heart on a page and give it to your mate. “To write a good love letter, you ought to begin without knowing what you mean to say, and to finish without knowing what you have written.” Jean-Jacques Rousseau

We work on our friendship: We play hard, we laugh hard, we spend time together (on purpose), we have so many inside jokes it’s not even funny…only really it is. He’s my best friend…the one person in this life I want to be with. We are deeply bound by friendships that comes with communication, communion and care.

We choose to fall in love again (and again): You’ve heard it before–love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. It’s true. We have had irreconcilable differences and breaches of trust and oh, some really hard days, but we’ve decided on love even when we didn’t feel it or couldn’t find it.

It’s really not a secret at all. It’s deciding to fall in love again and again, with the same person.

Enjoy this free 8×10 printable:

Download here for free.


How to Make Sheet Music

He starts his day nearly an hour before mine.

I wake up to the smell of scrambled eggs and find him in the kitchen making the kid’s lunches. He’s already dropped off our oldest at basketball practice and stopped by Chick Fil A for a sweet tea treat.

It’s sitting on the night stand when I reach for my glasses and wonder about my silent alarm.

It’s not even 7 A.M and he started the day making love to me–in the kitchen, doing my chores.

All day long, I think of this gift. His kind words, gentle expressions, his unselfishness–and I can’t wait to give back to him.

Sheet music starts long before you hit the sheets.

It starts with another S-word. One that doesn’t get nearly as much attention. Making sweet music in your marriage starts with service.

It begins with putting your spouse before yourself. Since we’re selfish people by nature, this little S-word doesn’t always come easy. But when we serve our mate, it sets up the perfect atmosphere for a symphony.

Sex doesn’t make a marriage, but the lack of sex and intimacy can certainly break it.

“When sex dies in a marriage, a man loses something very important to him—the knowledge that he can please his wife physically. And a woman loses the satisfaction that she has a man who is enthralled with her beauty.” -Kevin Leman, Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

It’s so much more than just a physical act. There’s a lot at risk when we neglect one another: his confidence as a man and her esteem in herself.

Three practical ways to serve your spouse.

  1. Treat your husband/wife like you would a guest in your home for a day. When we have company over and they ask for water, we don’t sigh and point. We anticipate their needs and bless them by meeting them.
  2. Surprise them by doing something unexpected: show up at work with their favorite lunch, do their chores, add a bit of romance to their day.
  3. Write them a note-tuck it in their drawer or in their glovebox, mail a card to your spouse.

Find simple, sweet ways to serve your spouse. It will be a warmup for some awesome music later.


A Marriage Recycled

I’ve never been a good recycler. I aim high with my recycle bins and fabric grocery totes, but since I’m usually multi-tasking and running behind, I generally remember to recycle after the fact.

It’s just not my ministry. Ya know?

But I love recycled things. Go figure. I’m glad someone is responding to the high calling. I love love love trash to treasure stories.  From Mercy House to my marriage, I’ve learned to view God as the ultimate recycler. He is the master of taking rubbish and redeeming it.

This month my husband and I are celebrating 18 years of marriage. I’ve written about our testimony and I’m so thankful He transformed the garbage of our lives into something for His glory. Our marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s evidence of God’s hand.

One of the things I love most about recycling? You get something new. There’s still a trace of the old, but when it goes through the fire, something different, often better is created. After God recycled our marriage, 7 years ago now, we took my engagement ring, wedding band and an anniversary band and had them melted down. The three pieces were beautiful and I loved them, but we both wanted a new ring to represent our new marriage. But my original set was very special and we wanted to keep it.

A local jeweler crafted one new gorgeous ring from the materials of my 3 separate rings. It was the same, but completely different, better, just like my marriage. And that’s exactly what God is able to do in your marriage too.

When my friends over at Union28 sent us their new new shirts, I smiled. I love knowing after all these years my marriage STILL rocks; It’s getting better with age because God is the ultimate recycler.

Want to see my new (old) ring, click here.

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Does your marriage still rock? Get the t-shirt or tote to prove it! Union28 is helping us celebrate 18 years with these awesome new Recycled shirts. Use Code: U28MMSR20 This code is an exclusive offer just for WeAreThatFamily readers!  It’s good for 20% OFF 2 or more Regular-Priced tees & will be valid Thursday & Friday (12/6 & 12/7).