I shut down my computer, but I couldn’t turn off the chaos.

So many things out of my control in my heart and on the other side of the globe.

I’m a Type A fixer of things. I scratch it out on my to do list and I attack, I problem-solve.

I grabbed the vacuum and violently battled the dirt while I started barking orders at my family. How did this house get so dirty? Who made this mess? On and on…

My best friend stopped me, rubbed my shoulders and bravely stood against my torrent of commands: “Can I make an observation?” he asked quietly. I stilled. “When things are out of your control over there,” he said pointing to my computer, to Africa, “You try and control things here. Let it go, Kristen. Give this to God.”

He read me like a book. Every word true.

I don’t know why God asked me to help start a maternity home in Kenya, something so big, so out of my control.

But that’s probably exactly why He asked.

He knew I couldn’t fix broken people. He knew I couldn’t restore hope. He knew I would desperately need to seek Him.

God knew I would need to lose control.

We are in a good place: Girls are slowly healing. Staff developing. A house full of precious babies. Plans for more pregnant girls in the Spring. Big plans for 2012. Dozens of volunteers and interviewing interns stateside.

But it’s not easy, this giving birth. I never set out to be the founder of a non-profit, filling my days with tasks I don’t know how to do.  I’m just a mom.

A writer telling the story of my life…

But God is teaching me that I never had control in the first place. He is showing me what trust looks like. He is expecting faith.

He’s is showing me that when I feel like I’m losing control, I’m actually winning.

P.S. Our girls and staff in Africa want to wish you a very Merry Christmas!

Her pains come hard and fast.

Even before the labor begins.

She is unsure about the pressing child within, the one she wanted to abort, who will now live.

Her labor is long and difficult. Her groans audible. At the pinnacle, a distressed baby is born with the help of skilled hands.

Her pain produces a son.

Our pain gives her a home.

Christ gives them both a future.

I know this pain. For I am pregnant, too.

Romans 8:22-28: All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs.

My womb is empty, but I’m pregnant with waiting. Waiting for Him to answer, to reveal, to show the way, to accomplish what I cannot. I’m learning that helping our precious girls safely deliver their unplanned and usually unwanted babes into the world, is just the beginning of the hard work.

These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting.

And as our waiting grows, so do we.

We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

This giving birth is long and painful. It is soul-weary work we don’t know how to do. But if we knew the how, we wouldn’t need Him. He is waiting on us to need Him.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.

My sighs and aching groans are noisy. I am weary and I don’t know how to do this. It is too hard for me. I don’t know how to make a mother love her baby or help a detached orphan girl bond with her child or repair these broken, broken girls or how to keep juggling home and work or even help my own son not feel weird in this world.

I don’t have the answers. Because I’m just a broken girl myself.

But I hang onto this promise, inscribe it on my heart:

He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

We are laboring for Him.

Giving birth is hard work.

*Scripture from The Message Bible

Can I encourage you to keep laboring? Even when it’s hard, especially when it’s hard.

Our maternity home in Nairobi, Kenya, is registered as a Rescue Center.

And there’s not a doubt, our girls, their unborn babies, needed rescuing.

Our first mom and baby

From abortion, abuse, horrors that still leave me angry at our cruel world.

But let me be clear, we are not the rescuers.

We can offer them a safe home, unconditional love, counseling, skills, good medical care and a full belly.

But we cannot give them hope. We cannot give them a future. We cannot wipe away every terror they have known in their short lives. We cannot heal them.

Oh, we try. But it’s not our job.

Only Jesus can do these things.

Several of our girls were accepting all that we offered, except Him. They knew they would have to trust the same One who allowed so much pain. It’s been a very challenging, painful couple of weeks.

But then it happened: every one of our girls have asked Jesus into their lives, to be Lord of the past, the present and the future.

And just like that, the heaviness lifted and Heaven rejoiced.

He alone can rescue.

And He has.

When you’re in Africa, it doesn’t take long to adapt the motto of most Kenyans, THIS IS AFRICA (T.I.A.). Basically, anything can happen and probably will.

Like monkeys in your van,

chasing your delighted and petrified children, vomit in the middle of the night, sitting still in bumper-to-bumper traffic for hours, squatting on “pit latrines” or holding it for a six hour drive, eating “snacks” from the side of the road vendors, baboons stealing your entire bag of American snacks/comfort food right in front of you….

The last few days have been fast and furious. They have been awesome, frustrating and insightful.

We traveled 6.5 long hours into altitudes of nearly 10,000 feet, crossing the equator

to visit a ministry we support, Mattaw Children’s Village. Not only are the directors friends, they are leaders and rescue many at-risk children. They are in the process of building a baby rescue center.

We spent the second day at The Esther House, the only other live-in maternity home (that we know of in Kenya). It’s a long way from Nairobi, but this organization, run by a sweet Netherlands couple is dynamic. It was so encouraging to see and learn from them. Maureen and I were impressed and can’t wait to implement some of the things we learned.

Our family was really looking forward to going thru one of Kenya’s National parks on our drive home…it didn’t cost much and we saw just about every animal imaginable: buffalo, lions, monkeys, giraffe, warthogs, zebra and more.

We planned on being back at the maternity home by 2pm. Ha. We are learning that time is just a goal here. We pulled in at 7pm after unexpected holdups and cooked the girls fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy.

While we were gone, they worked hard on their skills and produced beautiful items. We have a baby due tomorrow and since we’re flying home Thursday night, we’re hoping she’s right on time.

But again, T.I.A.

We finished the last two days wrapping up our skills training. The girls are so quick and love learning. They have produced some beautiful items this week. Part of our day guard’s responsibilities is keeping the grounds. For the past several months, he’s been “chopping” the grass with a machete. We were able to purchase an inexpensive hand mower (Maureen is the ultimate bargainer!)

Even though we lost electricity for 18 hours, we continued to clean the house inside and out with flashlights and candles in preparation for our board meeting on Saturday morning.

We were up early to finish the cleaning and prepare “snacks” for our guests. Roasted peanuts, popcorn and sodas (traditional snacks)

This message board and missions statement are posted to view as you enter the home:

We had a great time of prayer, devotion and visited with the board members who were able to make it after we had a board meeting. We are so thankful for these women and man (not pictured) of God. They come from humble backgrounds-many from extreme poverty. They have risen to important positions in the community (many with Compassion International ties) and advise Maureen well.

Afterwards, we visit Kazuru, a glass bead factory that employs single mothers. We are hoping to form a future partnership. We then visited the Giraffe Center, a place that helps orphaned giraffes.

It was amazing:

We ended our evening making American pizza and spaghetti for the girls, staff. Our housemother, Annette, said it was a dream come true to have pizza and CHEESE for the first time in her life!

The last few days we have grown so close to the girls. They have really let their guard down and begun to open up. I don’t even want to think about leaving.

Internet will be sketchy the next two days as we’re heading about 6 hours to Mattaw Children’s Village, a ministry we support that is a home for street/orphaned or abandoned children.

Happy weekend from Africa!

Water is life in Africa.

It doesn’t take long to realize how crucial it is to have an abundance of clean water. Our family is drinking and brushing our teeth with bottled water. There is a water purifier for the residents and staff, but it has only been partially working, so they have also been using bottled water and used water for the garden.

Just a day before we arrived, the house hadn’t had water for 3 days-to drink or bathe, wash clothes and dishes, relying solely on bottled water. This week we discovered that the pump had gone out. The owner of the beautiful home we’re renting isn’t really interested in fixing the pump. (Such is the life of Kenyan landlords).

Learning to make greeting cards

Maureen has been negotiating with him to split the cost with us, but we had to make a decision soon.

The night we arrived in Nairobi, the staff was on their way to pick us up at the airport in the rain. Rain and dirt roads are a dangerous combination. They ended up sliding into a ditch and were stuck for hours and hours. A Compassion International driver picked us up and brought us to the home late that night.

The problem?

Our new van is beautiful and so nice, only the tires aren’t fit for Kenyan roads. It’s a supply and demand problem, so appropriate tires are nearly $800 U.S. dollars. Between that and a $400 water pump, I was worried.

It’s these unexpected expenses that give me ulcers.

It’s these unexpected expenses that make me rely on God.

Today after we worked on making paper mache bowls,

we went to the local store to see about purchasing a pump. My hubby is pretty handy and after helping our day guard with planting the garden, they thought it might be possible to fix it.

We sat in the van talking over the unexpected expenses, trying to decide if we should shop around prices (in hour long traffic lines) and dip into or emergency fund that also pays for baby deliveries. I have had very poor access to the Internet this week, but for some reason, I decided to check the gmail account linked to the Mercy House Paypal account.

I gasped.

Everyone in the van looked at me. I said, “We just got an anonymous donation that will pay for the tires and the water pump!”

Maureen and I grinned at each other. God is always on time.

I’m learning so much about faith here and how hard people work. Every employee of Mercy House Kenya uses the salaries to support a dozen relatives!

So many of you have sent donations, given money, prayed for this ministry. Please know that every dollar it is making a difference. And every penny is spent carefully.

We will have water tomorrow.

Life.

—————————

Want to give financially to Mercy House and be a part of the house God is building? click here.

Before:

After:

If it weren’t for Maureen showing us the proper way to do laundry, we would be some pretty dirty people. By the time she was done with the sock, it was whiter than snow.

Turns out I don’t know much about manual labor.

I spent Wednesday morning at the local hospital with our girl who is due any day now. Her weekly appointment went well and these girls are gaining weight quickly with good nutrition. In just a few weeks, they have filled out so much.

Later in the day, Maureen, the driver and my hubby traveled to the open food and meat markets to buy vegetables, fruits and meats in bulk for the next two weeks. I was so impressed with how organized Maureen and her staff it, compiling reports for food consumption, food inventory and they also have a notebook for each girl, where they record weekly data about them.

While they shopped, the rest of us rolled paper for necklaces, varnished items and learned a couple of other skills.

They are producing some beautiful items! I’m hoping to take bag a lot of items to stock our new store that will be at Mercy House.org

We are making paper mache bowls and greeting cards tomorrow!

Thanks so much for your prayers-we feel them. So far, my kids have fallen into a cactus, gotten stung by a nettle plant, fallen out of a tree, had an allergic reaction to mosquito netting…. but, thankfully the injuries have all been very minor…. but please don’t stop praying!

In a lot of ways, I had no idea what to expect from this trip. Even though we’ve planned each day for months and months, I couldn’t predict how my young children would handle or adjust to a third world country. I’m not going to lie, I was a little scared.

There have been a couple of rough spots that come from sheer exhaustion and traveling with children, but overall, my kids have completely amazed me. They have adapted so well. Of course, we’re in a safe gated compound with a guard and they have the freedom to roam and explore the two acres. The windows and the doors stay open all the time, so we can usually hear them giggling or just call out there name. Daily malaria pills, sunblock and bug spray are a must.

Today we spent the majority of the day making paper drink coasters. Aren’t they lovely?

You know you want a set.

My hilarious four year old has everyone wrapped around her finger and convinced the charming driver, Tim and Jotham, one of our guards, that their main job is catching grasshoppers and creatures as her “pets.” Today, I heard a squeal of excitement with a huge captured toad. She carried it around all day in an old jar. At one point she had a paper crown and wand (from crafts I brought) on and was kissing the jar asking it to be her prince.

We drove into Nairobi for a few errands and she brought the toad with her. We passed the beautiful hospital that the girls will deliver at and she started asking questions about babies. At this point, most everyone was asleep from the long day and bumpy roads. I was sitting in the front next to the driver because I tend to get car sick when my four year old blurted,

“Mommy, I know where Bubba and Sister came out——-“

I held my breath. I think Tim, the driver did too.

“Your bottom!”

AND THEN SHE POINTED to her bottom.

Oh, yes she did.

Dear people who read my blog, I wanted to fall into a hole in Africa at that very moment! The driver started laughing and I couldn’t help myself.

He said, “Wow, she is so smart. When I was her age, I thought I came from mud.”

I said, “Well, when your family decides to help start a maternity home, there are a lot of questions….”

When my husband, mom and Maureen woke up, they had no idea why I was blushing so badly.

But what happens in Africa, stays in Africa.

Because sometimes life is-heavy and hard to take.

It can be rock heavy like a diagnosis or feather heavy like a willful child displaying their, um, will in public (okay, VBS this week. Ahem).

But heavy is heavy and it’s hard to take.

I have good news: Lamentations Chapter 3. Yes, the book of the Bible I usually don’t seek out for devotional reading, unless I’m lamenting. For the win.

When life is heavy and hard to take,

go off by yourself. Enter the silence.

Bow in prayers. Don’t ask questions.

Wait for hope to appear.

Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.

The “worst” is never the worst.

Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return.

If he works severely, he also works tenderly. He takes no pleasure in making life hard.

It’s like a 5-step program. Sign me up!

1. Go off by yourself-find solitude
2. Enter the silence-stop talking
3. Bow in prayer-only say what matters
4. Wait for hope-oh, so hard
5. Don’t run away-even when that’s the easy choice

So I’ve been practicing this 5-step program this week and I got very encouraging news from test results that my kidney function has returned to normal and even better, stayed at normal the last week. (Yes, we are hoping to reschedule our trip soon!)

Meanwhile some beautiful, truly amazing things are happening at Mercy House Kenya. Basically, I’m learning that by NOT being there, nothing has really changed: God is still building a house of mercy and girls lives are being changed. Please, take a minute to Meet Our Girls (we have 3 residents now!). And read about their amazing first week in the Sustainable Skills Program! Would you take a minute to pray for them?

Because our worst doesn’t touch their worst.

And sometimes that perspective is all we need.

I stood in the kitchen a few night ago, the reality of what we are about to do, settling in. It wasn’t a heaviness really, more like an O MY WORD slapping me upside the head.

I asked my hubby: “Why don’t you think God asked someone else to do this? Ya know, like someone with a lot of money, someone who wouldn’t have to believe for every dollar.”

“Or someone who had global experience, older kids, an extrovert with a love for adventure (everything I’m not).”

My hubby hugged me. The O GOOD GRAVY feeling eased.

He didn’t say a word. Because bottom line: God asked and we said yes.

And I do feel a lot of peace, especially when I remind myself He used a donkey once…..

I’m not bold. If you know me in real life, it’s probably because you approached me. But from the very beginning when we shared this vision with you-still new and unfolding each day–we knew we could never do this alone. We knew we needed you.

Will you pray for us?

I don’t like to over-spiritualize stuff, but in the last week, I’ve had a kidney infection, my mother-in-law had emergency gall-bladdar surgery, and today, my mom slipped on water and had to have 5 staples in her head (which I will be removing in Africa)-plus, my hubby’s been out of town with his job (but on the way home now). Seriously?  I don’t think it’s a coincidence Maureen brought in our first girl today with two more needy, pregnant girls pending.

Please consider printing out this calendar/itinerary and ask God to use our simple family to encourage and equip the staff, to love on Maureen and the residents, to be Jesus’ hands and feet….

You can download and print the prayer calendar here:  Prayer Calendar

Thank you.

We leave for Kenya, Africa in 5 days. FIVE.

[gulp]

Our bags are packed, okay stuffed. Neighbors will house/pet/yard sit. We are thisclose to being ready.

Since you will be coming with us, I thought I’d answer some of the questions I’ve been getting via email and twitter.

FAQS

• Who is traveling with you? Our family of five (me, hubby, kids) and my mom.
• Where are you staying? We will be staying in the maternity home since there’s plenty of room and it’s in a safe location.
• How long will you be there? just over 3 weeks
• Will you be blogging from the trip? Yes! As much as I can, but don’t expect 5 posts a week. I will have Internet access, but it’s the rainy season in Nairobi, which means there are a lot of power outages. The weather: highs of 80, lows of 60. We call that perfection!
• How will you get around? The maternity home is now the proud owner of a beautiful van. We needed a reliable way to get laboring girls back and forth to the private hospital. There will be a hired driver until Maureen feels comfortable using her new license.
• How will you get 1000 pounds to Africa? We are flying with  ”missionary status” through the British Airlines and they are allowing our party of six, three fifty pound bags each. We have been able to pack about 2/3 of all the donations that have come in. . . and little extras like these precious dolls created/donated by Baby Be Blessed (with a Bible Verse in Swahili sewn on their tummies!)
• Who is funding this trip? Our family/mom paid for each of our plane tickets (who needs a savings account, right?) We will also provide our spending money while in-country. We don’t have lodging expenses, except for our 2 days in Kitale to visit Mattaw Children’s Village.
• Will it be safe for your children? Nothing is 100% safe, including the street in front of our house or riding in our minivan. We are taking precautions and won’t take unnecessary risks.
• Will you be taking medicine? We will all begin taking malaria pills in a couple of days, and we were all vaccinated. Mosquito nets will cover our beds and we have some potent bug spray.
• What will you eat? One of our Compassion friends has helped us hire a cook for the time we are there. Our board of directors decided this would keep us healthy and since processed, easy-to-fix meals aren’t available in Africa, we thought we could use this time to accomplish things on our agenda. While the prepared food will be safe for us, it will still be African.  Since my 4 year old is a little picky, I have a lot of peanut butter and jelly planned for her.
• Will you visit the slums? We will not be taking our children into the worst slums. But there are many slums in Nairobi and we (my hubby and I) plan to visit a maternal clinic we are working with in one of these areas. Also, our family will be visiting one of our Compassion kids who lives in a slum.
• Will you see your Compassion children? Yes! We have 4 sponsored children in Kenya. We will be spending a day with Makenna and Ephantus (whom I met last year) and two others who will be traveling quite a distance, Mwaka and Millicent. My mom and dad also have two sponsored children who will be visiting-so six in all! We will be spending a whole day with them and we will also visit Ephantus’ home. (Our family is paying for this expense).
• What exactly will you be doing? We have a packed itinerary of unpacking/organizing 1000 pounds of donations, 2 intense days of staff development, setting up a homeschool area, teaching an accounting program, visiting partnering ministries (more on that later). We will have a dedication ceremony of the home and a board meeting. We also have many intense days of teaching practical skills in hopes they will produce products to sell fair trade for sustainability, as well as visiting with many, many friends of Compassion and Rehema House who will be stopping by to volunteer and fellowship.
• Will you do anything fun? Yes! We have two days planned during our trip-we are really excited about the Giraffe Orphanage!
• Are you afraid? The right answer is no. But the honest answer…a little. I’m anxious about getting 20 bags thru Kenya’s corrupt customs department. I’m nervous about how my little family will do. But above all, I have a peace that doesn’t make sense and I’m trusting God for everything I won’t have control of-which is a lot.
• Does Mercy House have enough money? God has miraculously gotten us this far: giving us a beautiful home and staff. Unbelievable fuel prices are causing cost of living expenses to soar and threaten our budget. We are believing God to continue to meet each need. We can guarantee that every dollar given is used wisely and makes a difference in Africa. 100% of the work done in USA is done on a volunteer-basis.
• Do you need anything? Simply put: yes. We need you to pray for us. I will be sharing a very specific prayer calendar later this week that I’d love for you to print out and hang on your refrigerator. So many of you are invested in this trip–if it weren’t for your donations of money and goods, we wouldn’t be going. But that’s just part of this journey, can I be so bold to ask you to commit to praying for us?

Any more burning questions? Leave them in the comments. Thank you so much for your support!!