10 Things We Need To Teach Our Kids About Social Media

If I could give parents one bit of advice concerning their kids and social media, it would be this:

Hold off as long as you can.

Because once that switch is flipped, it’s harder to turn off.

In our culture, kids are interacting online earlier and earlier. And passive parenting in this area can lead to problems in others.

We’ve asked our kids to wait until high school to become active in social media and here’s what we’ve learned so far:

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1. Nothing is ever really private | Statuses and pictures can be shared and altered

2. Or permanently deleted | Everything is traceable. I read something really disturbing on Facebook the other day from an old friend and when I went back to show my husband because I was alarmed, it had been deleted. But it definitely wasn’t forgotten.

3. Some things are better said face to face (like apologies or confrontations) | Social media makes it easier for us to be cowardly. We need to teach our kids the value of looking someone in the eye and making things right. Sure, it’s harder, but they won’t forget it.

4. Remember there are real people with feelings behind every avatar | Lately, I’ve been on the receiving end of some harsh words. And sometimes I just want to remind the offenders that I’m a real person. I think it’s good to teach our kids that our (online) words can hurt.

5. It’s okay to disagree with someone’s opinion, but kindness always win | “If you’re not kind on the Internet, than you are not kind.” -Glennon Melton. It’s as simple as that.

6. Don’t let negative comments to your pictures, statuses or no likes at all change how you feel about yourself | This one is especially important to teach our girls. There’s this whole secret online code between mean girls and we have to remind our daughters who they are doesn’t change because of how people see them.

7. It’s easier to attain a bad online reputation than a good one-so watch what you say | We’ve all probably done something online that we regretted. Our words follow us.

8. Avoid drama | We all read and see things we don’t agree with and I want my kids to use self control and click away.

9. Don’t ever mention your location | Predators don’t lure kids at the school bus nearly as much as they do online. Our children need to know the dangers of over sharing.

10. Take a day of rest from social media | Recently, I asked my teen to take a break from social media. She wasn’t doing anything wrong or in trouble. I just noticed she was isolating herself and it would be healthy for her to take a couple of days off. Later, she thanked me.

My life has been changed by a social media love story and I’m so thankful for the online world. Let’s commit to protecting our kids by teaching them how to handle this powerful tool.

Fathers Are Not Idiots

My daughter pushed the grocery cart as I checked items off my list.

Light bulbs.

Super glue.

Father’s Day cards were next.

We stopped at the card aisle and I told my kids to pick out one for their dad, while I looked for one for my father.

I’m not a greeting card snob and I don’t spend hours hunting for the perfect one. But after 15 minutes and reading dozens, I had a really hard time choosing one card for my dad and my kids for their father, that didn’t send this message loud and clear: Dads are idiots.

Half the cards were about farts and beer and the other half were lewd or too generic and not worth the $3.99.

Is this what our culture really thinks of fatherhood? Is this really how we celebrate the men we call father on the one day of year we choose to honor them? Thanks, Dad for being the bumbling guy who is trying not to screw up his kids. Today, we mock you.

We’ve all seen the “idiot dad” characters and sitcoms where dad burns down the house cooking something hazardous in the microwave or loses the baby because he isn’t capable of you know, watching his own children.

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I don’t know who these men are.

One certainly didn’t raise me. I was raised by a selfless, generous man who taught me to love the world more than I love myself.

And just last week, when we had to keep our youngest home from church day camp because she had a low grade temperature, I went to her room to console her little broken heart (she really loved the camp) only to find her father beat me to it.

As I stood at the door and listened to my husband do it a hundred times better than I could, I was moved with his compassion for her. His too-big-body was curled up next to her on the pink twin bed and as she cried and whined about the unfairness of her fever, he was patient and tender and understanding. And then he prayed for her to get better quickly so she could return to camp.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought of the gift he was giving his little girl: his time, attention and care. And more than that, he was showing her the picture of a Heavenly Father who listens and comforts and is there for us when we need Him.

I finally found an appropriate card for my dad that wasn’t offensive and my kids made their own for their Dad.

Because even if our culture doesn’t see it, we know the dads in our lives are anything but idiots.

Let’s do our best in honoring fathers this weekend.

Camp Mom

Summer 5

1. My 5 Rules of Summer for My Kids:

  •  Read to earn screen time
  •  If you can’t get along with your siblings, you can’t have friends over
  •  You get the Wifi/Netflix password when you do what I’ve asked you to do
  •  Get outside everyday
  •  Serve someone other than yourself at least one day a week

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2. The 5 Things We Always Have on Hand to Stir Up the Imagination:

  • Balloons
  • Copy paper
  • Blankets and sheets to build the perfect reading hideout
  • Water
  • Puzzles (our dining room table has a 2000 piece challenge right now)

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3. 5 Easy Snacks to Keep on Hand:

  • Trail Mix
  • Popcorn
  • Fresh fruit
  • Nuts
  • Boiled eggs

4. 5 Summer Recipes (That don’t include turning on the oven):

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5. My 5 Rules of Summer for Mom:

  • Stay home at least one day a week with no agenda
  • Accept help (from kids, husband, friends)
  • Do something I enjoy once a week
  • Teach my kids something new (like driving, Lord, help me)
  • Remember occasional boredom is good for my kids

What Kids Are Really Doing Online (& Why We Can’t Ignore It)

When this email hit my inbox, it made me sick to my stomach:

My second grader spent the night at a friend’s house last week. The girls were innocently playing games on the computer and one things led to another and they typed in the word “boobs” on the Internet to see what would come up. My daughter and her friend were exposed to very graphic porn. She can’t stop crying and she can’t sleep. We are devastated.”

The blog reader who sent me this email asked me to tell parents to do whatever necessary to protect their children from the loss of innocence her daughter is now experiencing.

I hate pornography. I hate how it degrades women and men. I hate how it destroys innocence. I hate how it distorts our culture’s view of sex. I hate how the pornography industry tries to convince our culture that porn is okay.

And I really hate how easy it is to access.

I sent a compassionate response to the mom without judgement because it could happen to any of us. Without safe guards in place, it could happen in any of our houses, to any of our kids.

It takes active, involved, persistent work on our part to protect our kids from this kind of exposure. I asked a group of moms out of curiosity at the playground the last week of school how they handled monitoring and restricting their tweens and teens Internet usage. I’m always trying to reevaluate how we handle it. They looked at me like I was an alien.

What Kids Are Really Doing Online (& Why We Can't Ignore It)

“Aren’t you worried about them seeing things you don’t want them to see?” I asked.

One mom replied, “Oh, I trust my kids. They would never look at anything inappropriate.”

I thought of some of the hard conversations I’ve had with my teens and I knew this mom might be as shocked as I was at this viral article last week that describes in (warning) graphic detail exactly what  kids are seeing and learning on the Internet. “Kids are learning from the 21st century’s version of sex education class, the internet; a more enlightening and forthcoming source than nervous parents and teachers. But these lessons are a dangerous mix of misinformation and distorted images of sexuality…” source

The best way to guarantee our kids are exposed to inappropriate content is to do absolutely nothing to stop it.

1. Don’t restrict or monitor computer, tablet or smartphone time.

2. Don’t filter your internet or ask family and friends home your kids frequent if they do.

3. Don’t talk to them about the dangers online.

4. Don’t talk to them about lust, temptations and the lure of pornography.

Sadly, I believe at some point in time, many kids–not matter what we do– will be exposed to porn and content we’d rather them not see or read. In our Internet-ready culture, I think it’s probably impossible to completely remove it from their world. Research shows that 92% of boys will be exposed to online pornography by age 16. Unless they live in a bubble, they could see it on a friend’s phone at school, church or homeschool group (believe me, it’s happened). They could stumble upon it innocently researching a project or turn to Google out of curiosity.

But if we have already had important conversations about it, they will be prepared and know what to do.

When it comes to Internet safety, don’t be passive. Besides filtering the Internet, talk to your kids and establish some guidelines.

Younger kids:

  • Tell them there are dangerous things on the Internet that aren’t appropriate for them to see.
  • Advise your children not to click off games or movies to other links.
  • Keep the computer or screen in an open place (not in their rooms).
  • Teach them Google isn’t a Dictionary.
  • Disable search engines or install safety browsers like Safe Eyes. Restrict Google images.
  • Teach your kids about healthy/unhealthy relationships between men and women (modeling it is a great way to teach it)
  • Tell them if they ever see anything that seems wrong or that they don’t understand, to get you immediately.

Tweens and Teens:

  • Talk openly about the dangers of pornography online. It’s as important as having a sex talk with our kids.
  • Keep an on-going open conversation about lust and sex and the lure of porn.
  • Teach them God’s standard of sex and His design for it.
  • Don’t be afraid to put restrictions on their devices, including smartphones.
  • Extend grace. Our kids are sinful just like we are. They are going to mess up and give into temptation. If we freak out, they will be hesitant to confide in us. Remind them we are on their side and while we want them to live purely, we also know they are human.
  • Privacy is a privilege in our house. We reserve the right to check your phone, computer, etc if we feel like there’s a reason to
  • Remind them that everything they put on the Internet or send in a text is never really private.
  • Don’t expect your tween/teen to bring this subject up or share a lot of their feelings on it.

It’s hard for everyone to talk about these things, but that’s exactly why we need to.

 

Helpful Resources:

Preparing Your Son For Every Man’s Battle: Honest Conversations About Sexual Integrity by Steve Arterburn

Preparing Your Daughter For Every Woman’s Battle: Creative Conversations about Sexual and Emotional Integrity by Shannon Ethridge

Passport to Purity-a life-changing getaway with your preteen.

(Click for a more extensive list of recommended resources dealing with pornography)

31 Ideas to Encourage Your Kids On A Bad Day

Recently, I had a chance to sit down with a new friend and talk about life, purpose, parenting and Africa (she currently lives in Uganda with her family). Janel is one of those people who inspires. She worked at Family Life Today for years, served on the team at NavPress that wrote the Message Bible and  has important stuff to say. My kids have had their fair share of bad days around here and I’m taking notes on her guest post that she is sharing here today.  

by Janel of A Generous Grace

We’ve all had them, and have certainly been the object of them: one of those days. Ugh. Could be a grade on a test (ouch), flushing the family goldfish, a snub by that boy (you know the one), no nap, or good old-fashioned waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Some are legit, some…not-so-legit.

Of course, I have my own days like this (although admittedly, the goldfish thing might feel like one less responsibility. Is that terrible?). On my more legit days—and a handful of the not-so-legit ones— my subtly fantastic husband may occasionally have brought home a skinny decaf Caramel Frappuccino with whip (in my pre-Africa days). Some days, he’s my rearview mirror, alerting me to the wake I’m leaving. On most days, he pecks me on the forehead and wraps me in a hug—despite that the reason for my general malaise might just be that string of bad days at a particular time of the month.

Because what we, or our kids, experience is still a call to grace, even when the reasons are poor.

So how do we deal?

Interacting with our kids on their bad days is a tutorial to them on how God deals with our bad days. So maybe that’s a good place to start: How do you think God responds?

Well. We know He’s faithful. Gracious. Compassionate. And still holy—i.e., He still loves enough not to say, Shoot. Go ahead and give into temptation. By all means, trample your family. (Translation: Your kid’s anger or weepiness doesn’t run the house. Self-control on bad days is a pretty core lesson.)

In using these ideas, consider

  • The depth and nature of what’s going on. Do we shake it off, or process this? Don’t add unnecessary drama, prevent your child from learning perseverance, or slap an emotional Band-Aid on a gouge that should be disinfected. But sometimes we just need a reboot, folks.
  • The heart issues at hand (make sure to check out #7).
  • What’s grace look like here? Does grace mean creating some allowances for a day that just went terrible—or the “kindness that leads to repentance” by dealing head-on with some sin? Pray through it, remembering that “mercy triumphs over judgment”.
  • The long-term. I remember my mom, in dealing with one of my sisters’ teenage slumps, being careful to address her character, but not crush her spirit. I think the Bible backs this up: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children” (Ephesians 6:4). On the whole, are you the “no” voice in your child’s life, or the one in their corner?

The goal’s not to coddle our kids. It’s to create a remarkable environment of grace, and an atmosphere that helps kids process their emotion honestly, prayerfully, and thoughtfully—or move on, whichever is appropriate. Either way, it’s an opportunity for everyone in the house to love each other a little more.

31 Ideas  to Encourage Your Kids On a Bad Day

  1. Stop by on the way home from school for her favorite beverage.
  2. No matter how he’s treated you—look him in the eyes and gently say, “I’m sorry you had a rough day.”
  3. Bake some cookies together (or just for her!).
  4. Make an impromptu outing: mini-golfing, bowling, to the park to feed the ducks.
  5. Cuddle on the sofa for awhile. Talking optional.
  6. Read some books together.
  7. Use the opportunity to understand your child better. What’s at the core of their frustration or hurt? What’s the loss that they feel? Are they simply fatigued, in pain, hungry, or dealing with other physical causes? Did they lose face, approval, acceptance? Have they fallen short of their own standards? Consider the heart of your child’s bad day so you can love them even better and pray more intentionally. (See here for more insight on understanding your child’s “holes”).
  8. Go for a walk together.
  9. Give him space.
  10. Commit to yourself to only completely gracious responses. Read: You’re not a doormat, but you’re not going to take the bait of her anger. Remember: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).
  11. Keep a copy of a hilarious/feel-good movie in your mental back pocket. Pop some popcorn, grab some chocolate, and veg out.
  12. Ask wise, compassionate questions—and listen.
  13. Before attempting to “fix”, ask permission.
  14. Rub her back, or paint her toes.
  15. Take him on a casual date: to get milkshakes, see a movie, grab an appetizer.
  16. Create a fun family night, maybe with a little distracting competition like a game night tournament.
  17. Allow an evening without chores, dish duty, etc.
  18. Brief your spouse before he or she comes home, to prepare your spouse to be understanding—and to unite on your approach.
  19. Ask gently to pray with them (i.e. this is not an opportunity to sermonize).
  20. Pray for them on your own—and for a godly response.
  21. When appropriate—and not in front of the frustrated child—explain to siblings that she’s having a rough day, and ask for extra kindness, space, and patience for their brother or sister.
  22. Hold your ground. This may or may not be the time to lay down the law—but it’s also not the time to lay down in front of your kid’s wrecking ball of a temper. Calmly say, “I know you’re having a day. But you can’t talk to me [or my son, or my daughter, or my spouse] like that. I respect your frustration, but you need to see this as a warning to have self-control.”
  23. Time to channel your inner [insert name of kid]: What does he need when he’s fried? Think about what energizes your kid. Pray for wisdom to love him well.
  24. Make sure you address heart issues, and not just gloss over junk. Is today the day they need to be dealt with? Ask God for discernment and generous wisdom (see James 1:5-6).
  25. Add one of her favorite dishes or desserts to dinner.
  26. Suggest a warm bubble bath.
  27. Use Scripture well (using it as a club doesn’t count…). Encourage your kid with God’s truth on a day when the world’s lies can feel overwhelming.
  28. If this is a consistently recurring event, consider preemptive measures. Is your child getting enough sleep, or having enough down time? Do they have sufficient coping mechanisms for stress? Is this a character issue, or even a health issue (low iron, poor nutrition, hormones, depression, etc.)? Is it time to speak with a professional?
  29. Play some jazzy tunes on the way home.
  30. If it won’t seem inappropriate (i.e. if you’re just trying to shift moods), relay a hilarious anecdote.
  31. Push a note under the door, or send a text: Sorry you’re having a tough one. Praying for you—and love you no matter what.

To The Middle School Girls At The Pool Who Told My Son He Was Hot

Listen, girls. I get it.

You live in a culture where anything goes. And sometimes it’s confusing to know how to handle all the messages media throws at you when the world you live in supports your right to do whatever you want.

Truth changes more often than the weather and it’s getting harder and harder to stand on anything absolute.

I know your Instagram feed has more duck faces than a pond. And your Twitter stream is hash tagging it up and Facebook has so many selfies that the last thing we think about is others.

Maybe you didn’t see that my son was with his family at the community pool the other day, playing catch with his dad. Maybe you didn’t understand that he didn’t want to hang out with you when you kept bumping into him and following him around. Maybe you didn’t notice he was averting his eyes every time you walked by in your bikini.

Maybe that’s why you walked up to him and said loud enough for his splashing sister to hear, “You are hot. My friend thinks so, too.”

Maybe you didn’t see my son’s cheeks flame and watch him look to his father for help or hear him mumble “like I care” or see him get out of the pool to move away from you. Maybe not.

To the middle school girls at the pool who told my son he was hot

Maybe no one has told you these things, so I thought I would:

Honey, it’s not okay to act this way. It’s not becoming. It’s not grown up and it doesn’t make my son want you. No, it makes him want to run.

See, I can look past your budding body and come hither eyes when you yell out my son’s name and see someone who is longing to be accepted. I can ignore that you asked him too personal questions and look past it and see someone who is craving male attention. I can see that you’re just a girl trying to find out where she fits into this grown up world.

But it’s not okay to be aggressive towards boys. It won’t make you feel better about yourself. And it will only get you the kind of attention you really don’t want.

You’re right to notice my son. He is different. He is good looking. But he isn’t playing coy or hard to get. He is hard to get.

Because he understands he is too young to play with fire and he is fiercely fighting to live a Godly life.

And you aren’t making it easy for him.

We are working really hard to teach our son to live a pure life. We are encouraging him to bounce his eyes away from bikini-clad bodies.  We are raising him to be noble. We are praying for him to have integrity. We are advising him to look into a girls eyes and not cleavage. We are warning him about sexting. We are encouraging him by having these conversations with us about aggressive girls.

We are cautioning him to avoid girls who tell him he’s hot at the pool. We aren’t teaching him to ignore you.

No, we are teaching him to respect you.

And you need to do the same.

Respect yourself. You are beautiful and valuable without even trying. You don’t need a boy’s attention to prove that. I pray you get the kind of attention all girls needs from positive influences at home. I want the best for you, too.

Go ahead, love yourself enough to be just another kid at the pool.

 

Love, the mom of the “hot” boy

Updated:

I’ve closed comments on my post today due to a few personal attacks that I’m contributing to the “rape culture” and accusing me of being shameful and disgusting (you get the point).

I’m obviously not an authority, I’m a mom to both a boy and girls and we are trying to navigate this parenting journey. We’ve witnessed both sides of this issue. I was hoping parents would feel inspired to teach their kids (of both sexes) how to act/respond in these situations and maybe lead to some meaningful conversations. I’m sorry if this post caused you to misunderstand my heart towards our children.

For The Momma of the Strong-Willed Child

She made a beeline for me at the girls night out.

“You said your daughters are strong-willed, right?” she got right to the point.

We found a corner of the room and I waited. She had a lot to say about her precious and precocious two year old, her first daughter.

“She screams no! She throws herself onto the floor when she doesn’t get her way. I can’t go anywhere with her. My sons never once acted like this and I don’t know what to do.”

I listened and smiled and nodded my head because I understood. Sometimes the best way to encourage one another is to remind each other This is normal. And This shall pass. And You’re not alone. 

I mean, it’s happening in The Oval Office. CNN is talking about tantrums, y’all. (And I thought my son’s library meltdown of 2006 was epic).

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You will survive this hard place.

And most importantly, One day, You will thank God for it.

My own strong-willed girl walked up in the middle of our conversation and my friend said, “Look at your daughter. She loves Jesus. She’s amazing and she isn’t out of control.”

“Not in public anyway,” my daughter quipped and wandered off.

We laughed. Because I’ve learned strong-willed toddlers grow up to be strong-willed teens.

And that’s more than okay. It’s actually a blessing and I wouldn’t change it if I could. Even when saying no means tempers flare or make the meanest mom. I’ll take it.

I pulled my friend close and I said these words, “Listen, I know these strong-willed children are challenging. They push our buttons, they make us question our parenting. We cry and hit our knees. But they are used by God to transform us. They show us our humanity, our weakness and mostly how much we need Jesus.

for the momma of the strong willed child

“We want our determined, fierce kids to stand up first to us so someday they can stand up against the world.”

I thought of my own strong-willed girls who have stood against most of my food and friend and fashion suggestions for years, only to see them stand up for faith in the face of a culture that lacks it.

The beauty of strong-willed children is that they are strong.

They will try and lead and manipulate us; starve and dress themselves and win every argument. Their determination will embarrass and thrill us all in the same day.

We will beg and barter and bribe. We will question every move we make and cringe at every fit. But we will remember that their fierce determination is channeled into velvet strength and these kids who won’t give up their will, also will not give in.

Yes, they chase hard after what they want, but they also chase hard after what’s right.

So, Momma of the strong-willed child pulling out your hair, wondering if you’ll ever be able to eat in public again, be encouraged. That little one will change the world.

But first, she will change you.

Dear Children: Let Me Explain This Thing Called Summer

It was an hour after she got home from Vacation Bible School last summer.

One hour after Water games! Snow cones! a Slimy Craft! Dancing and Singing! The Best Day Ever!

We were in the second week of summer. The second week of sleeping in and she was slipping and sliding towards boredom.

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Walking around the house, whining about nothing to do.

Kicking her foot and waiting outside the bathroom door. (I wasn’t hiding, really).

Sound familiar?

Go. Find. Something. To. Do.

She gave me an empty stare and then I realized she was waiting on me to tell her what to do, to do something with or for her.

And there it was again, this “You Owe Me” mentality that is wrecking our culture. We do so much for our kids- camps and classes,  back and forth to lessons and events, we spend money and fill their lives with stuff and you’d think they would be oozing gratitude, but we are taken aback when they just want more.

More activities, more fun, more stuff.

More.

And honestly, I can’t really blame my first grader. Because for a long time, I provided The More. I bought into this lie that it’s my job to make my kids’ childhood magical and fun and everyday an adventure all about them.

I have fed the entitlement beast and when it rears it’s ugly head, my children aren’t the only ones to blame.

Our children need to be bored. They need to kick their feet and wait outside of bathroom doors, unanswered. They need to be sent outside or to their rooms to play. They need to turn over the bag of tricks and find it empty.

Because that’s when they will discover they don’t need stuff to fill their time. They don’t need a plan for entertainment.

They can create their own. And that’s when summer gets magical.

I pulled my little one aside and got down on eye level and I said, “Let me explain summer to you, honey.”

“There will be fun days! We will check boxes off your summer bucket list. We will play. We will work. We will serve. We will have great times. But there will also be a lot of unplanned days, there will be empty hours. There will be days when you’ve watched enough TV or we won’t be leaving the house for something super fun.

At first, these days may seem boring or like there is nothing to do. And that’s okay. Because after you whine and perhaps, cry, you will have to make up your own fun. You’ll get into that book from the library. You’ll draw doll furniture and cut it out and give your paper dolls a good home. You will figure something out. I love to see you having fun, but I will not, I cannot make every day fun. It’s not my job to make every moment The Best of Your Life. But it is my job to teach you that the days that aren’t fun usually end up being the best ones of summer.”

She ended up with a bucket of Legos and spent a couple of hours creating the coolest flying space car ever.

Sometimes we have to just wait for our kids to remember just how fun boredom can be.

C’mon, moms! Who’s with me?

 

edited repost