I was brushing my teeth when he walked into the bathroom. My husband had a funny look on his face, like he was in pain and I wiped my mouth and said, “What’s wrong?”
“Can I have a little of your time?” he asked quietly. And he reached to grab both my hands.
Something about the way he asked caused a memory to resurface out of nowhere and I got a knot in my stomach. I turned to face him, afraid.
“You’re not going to confess something are you?” I asked quietly, nearly trembling.
The look on his face made me wish I could call back the words. It had been so many, many years ago, and I didn’t mean to ask the haunting question.
“Honey, no. No.” He pulled me into an embrace. “Today, I just feel burdened for the men I meet with on Tuesday mornings. And for our son who really needs a good friend and I just need a hug.” Oh. I let out my breath.
I pushed the dark memory out of my mind and reminded myself of how far we have come.
He wrapped me in his arms and we carried one another’s burdens.
If you’ve read my book, you know we’ve been to hell and back in our marriage. I have stood at ground zero when there was nothing left.
Not even hope.
I have hated my husband and desperately loved him all at the same time. I have helped him fight his demons and they have become mine. We have fought our way back to love and we will not stop. This journey has been hard and beautiful, but I wouldn’t change any of it. Because I have learned truths along the way: It’s usually not the big confessionals that end a marriage, it’s the little enemies we overlook and ignore. Here are 4 things that can either save or sink a marriage:
1. Things We Say
Since my marriage post earlier this week looked like a giveaway on my blog, but more like a battlefield on my Facebook page, I thought I’d start with this one and make it very clear: Things we say can sink our marriage. If you read the entire post, you know I wasn’t discouraging people from sharing awesome marriage status updates. But I certainly wasn’t encouraging husbands and wives to share bad ones. Irritations and annoyances happen in every union, but we should never post them publicly. Every criticism and harsh word we share online or in front of friends or family about our spouse damages our marriage. And words are like arrows, once they are shot, they are  impossible to retract. We might forget words tossed out in anger and the heat of the moment, but I can promise they are seared on the hearts of our spouses for much longer. Proverbs 18:21, “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.”
2. Things We Don’t Say
Just as words bring death, they can also bring life. Although some of us are more verbal than others (ahem), we should all tell our spouses what they mean to us. Or say thank you more or will you forgive me? We don’t need moving speeches or long love letters, but we do need to remember that implying our gratitude or love isn’t enough. Something deep and meaningful happens for both of us when we say the words out loud. There’s almost a sigh of relief and a renewal when we hear words like, “I appreciate you working so hard,” or “Thank you for cooking dinner for our family.” Words help and heal and the right ones can be powerful in your marriage.
3. Things We See
Our culture thrives on visual-stimulation. We have so much to look at–to distract us from each other-besides other people and things in print, there’s television, cable, movies, Youtube, limitless online options and books that paint such a vivid, graphic picture that leaves little to the imagination. There are obvious threats to every marriage. We can’t always help the first look, but we can stop the second one. The images we allow into our minds–from pornography on the computer screen to the popular “romance” movies on the big screen, put our marriages in jeopardy for many reasons. (Side note: 50 Shades of Gray has more explicit sex scenes than the 100 “most naked” films of 2014 put together, according to The Drudge Report. Stay away). Just as we can’t call back words, it’s really hard to unsee images and it will affect our marriages in a negative way.
4. Things We Don’t See
We also can’t close our eyes to the things around us begging to be seen. When he fills up your gas tank, that’s your husband taking care of you. When she cooks your favorite meal and makes healthy substitutions you’ll never know about, she’s doing the same. When he offers to pick up the kids from daycare so she can have a girl’s night out and she buys his favorite junk food for Super Bowl Sunday, it’s love. That sweet tea he drops off, the snow he shovels, the , these are the things we must see. When we acknowledge them, we are saying more than I see the nice thing you did that you didn’t have to do. We are really saying I see you. I see you there trying. I see you giving and doing and it matters.
Erin B says
February 4, 2015 at 1:30 amI love this post as well as the last one. I certainly didn’t get what some people were going nuts about. Thanks for always being a great source of truth!
Nat says
February 4, 2015 at 8:25 amIt’s what LOVE is about with a relationship…. we’re all guilty & we’re all trying to be better….Thanks for your encouragment & realism! 🙂
L says
February 4, 2015 at 8:40 amAwesome and important post. Sharing. Thanks!
Joy Brown says
February 4, 2015 at 8:41 amThe Drudge Report, again? Ugh? It’s really no more reliable than the Enquirer. Please, if you want to stress a point, not the Drudge Report. Actually, it was reported, just yesterday, that FSOG had only 20 minutes of sex scenes from a 100+ minute movie. Far below Hollywood standards. I just don’t get the fear of FSOG. I’ve read it, mostly in defense as I’ll never allow someone else to tell me what to thing. It’s just not all that. Poorly written. The characters are immature and selfish. Let’s not make something out of nothing. It’s not the first book of that genre and certainly won’t be the last. Let’s quit giving it more props than deserved.
Diane R. says
February 4, 2015 at 8:59 amA useless critique, but certainly your right to express.
alison says
February 4, 2015 at 10:16 amThere are several reviews that will slant to their target audience or there own agenda . The measuring stick is not Hollywood. For my household it is Christ , would I ask Him to join me in that theater. How does it honor my husband to see other having (close acting) touching each other , seeing their flesh
My main issue with the book ( read in part and abandoned) is the message of sex . Never would I want my daughter’s to think that is Love. Love doesn’t use, control or manipulate.
My other issue is that in America we are free and to desire the sexual captivity expressed in this movie is a lie. So many women are mistreated, enslaved and abused with sex. And by making this behavior fantasy like -does nothing for women as a whole. It desensitized us to abuse. You can say it’s all consentual. But the bottom line is that people were made to be loved and things to be used
Consentual or not by anyone, you have chosen to USE someone for your own personal gratification. This screws up the basic axis of creation love people ,use things
Love requires and always will sacrifice
Please don’t let the theme of FSOG and other Hollywood books or movies mislead you. You are worth so much. Demand to be treated with love
Trieu-Tiet Parsons says
February 4, 2015 at 12:18 pmThank you for the well expressed critique, very balanced and showing what the standard is for your opinion: God’s word.
FSOG has a unique way of revealing how grounded a person is in God’s word thru his/her view of the book and also how kind or cynical a person is thru his/her expressed opinion.
Sarah says
February 5, 2015 at 12:09 pmIf you actually read the books though, the message is not that sex is equivalent to love. Throughout the series rah of them grow as a couple. They become more understanding of the other, he tries to be less controlling. He throws out everything he’s known his whole life and changes to try to be a better person FOR her. He protects her and cares for her and she certainly is still independent. Try reading the book again without the negative prejudice and you’ll see that Gray actually falls in love with her.
Trieu-Tiet Parsons says
February 4, 2015 at 12:20 pmFSOG has a unique way of revealing how grounded a person is in God’s word thru his/her view of the book and also how kind or cynical a person is thru his/her expressed opinion.
Kelly says
February 4, 2015 at 9:09 ami LOVE this post..I also LOVED the last post…& I guess it’s good that I got busy with family/life I didn’t see the “outcry” that people took what you said out of context… Sigh…I personally LIKE what you say. I VALUE your words. I TRY to form good habits from what you speak…& try & REMEMBER them in times of stress with my kids..hubby ..work…or GEEZE life in general. It does always work…but I get up the next am & try again…because what YOU have say as well as other bloggers I follow is important to me & others who do get what message you are trying to get across. Keep going Kristen!
We are on the sidelines cheering
Rachel says
February 4, 2015 at 9:12 amI share this same story…
It’s so easy to think I’m the only “Christian” woman who had ever hated & loved her husband all at the same time. And survived. And is now in the other side.
Thank you for sharing your heart. I agree with everything you’ve said!!
Adriana says
February 4, 2015 at 9:57 amYour words are powerful and true. I love your message and how you’re teaching others through your life example. We practice loving each other the same way. We’ve been through struggles too and know that it’s worth the effort to try again. We are messy and loving and thankful and say sorry and try to see the good in the little moments. We have do overs and hug and kiss and try again when we hurt each other, all five of us. I love thinking that marriage and family is something we practice and we are still learning every day, just like kids learn to play an instrument or get better at soccer…thank you for your reminders!! Loved your post. xo
alison says
February 4, 2015 at 10:01 amFirst I think there should be a law : you are not allowed to comment on a post unless you have read it in its entirety. Your points are solid and true. It’s a million little things that make up a marriage , they add up, they matter. Mention the best , ignore the anoying,and handle the bad at door 1 with honesty and a violent will to keep loving each other.
Leslie says
February 4, 2015 at 11:08 amI literally wept when I read the first part of this post. I do exactly the same thing. When my husband comes to me and wants to “talk” I cringe and brace for the worst (because I have had the very worst). I do hope that one day that feeling of dread goes away. It’s been over a year. The latter part of your post reminds me that there are things we still need to work on…..good post, thanks (I was directed to this post from To The Moon and Back)
Abner Goncalves says
February 4, 2015 at 11:09 amI do completely agree! And I find awesome the fact that love in a family is when we do sweet and nice acts, not to be seen, but out of genuine love! And I also love the fact that you guys implement Christ in your lives and live His teachings within a family. That’s what makes families strong and able to work through everything! I honor and admire you for posting and acknowledging it! Thank you so much for that! Families are the best thing and I do love my family, and I know that we will always be family eternally thanks to Christ!
Shawnelle Eliasen says
February 4, 2015 at 12:51 pmSo much wisdom here. Thank you. Very timely. I just bought your book and am truly looking forward to reading it.
Heather S. says
February 4, 2015 at 1:30 pmTruth. When there is a public outcry against something you’ve stated, it’s likely because there has been conviction of spirits. The points you make in this post are valid, honest, and real. Our tongues are rudders that can guide us through calm waters or cast us into icebergs. We must be so careful with them. And don’t even let me begin with the eyes. Oh my. We are foolish to think that what we see doesn’t greatly affect our feeling, behaviors, values, etc. I love what one woman said about inviting Jesus to the theater with her. I couldn’t help but wonder, though, could I do that? Honestly? Is there really anything I watch that would fit? Convicting.
Michelle H says
February 4, 2015 at 2:02 pmI’m not married but my boyfriend and I have concidered getting married but little things get in our way…he went into the national gaurd to give us a better future and was injured in basic and ait so he was unable to continue his training but since he has been home there has been so much anger in him and we have fault more in the last 4 months then what we have done for the last 6 years we have ahad a great relationship and now I am so lost on what to do and aay with out everything becoming a fight some tips would be great…thank you for you time
Mackenzie says
February 5, 2015 at 2:08 pmCheck out therapistlocator.net It sounds like at this point you are beyond tips and could use professional guidance.
Karen Baughman says
February 4, 2015 at 2:09 pmAmen sister!! Thank you for the truths contained within this post that so many in our generation need to hear. Even those of us who know the truth need reminders!
Carole Stone says
February 4, 2015 at 3:56 pmFor what it’s worth, I love this quote.
“Marriage is the garden gate. Along the path there will be flowers and weeds. Cut the flowers and pull the weeds.” Unknown
Mackenzie says
February 5, 2015 at 2:05 pmI loved this post. You are absolutely correct in these 4 things that can build up or tear down a marriage. I think with the ease of Social Media especially we forget that what is said in a tweet or in a status update can really hurt the relationship and shape how others view our spouses even if our spouses alone can’t see it because they don’t have an account. I would love to really read more on your blog when I get a few moments and maybe even link back to this posting on my own blog if that’s okay with you.
Erynn Haskins says
February 6, 2015 at 12:20 pmI can truly appreciate this post. I think these points could apply to not only married couples but it also speaks to me in my current relationship. I am always striving to be a better girlfriend and the fact that these emphasize being conscious of little things we can sometimes overlook gives me a new perspective.
Sammy says
February 12, 2015 at 4:25 pmYou’ve obviously got strong morals and you’re brave too. God bless you for standing tall!