I’ve been having night terrors or nocturnal panic attacks for the past 6 weeks.
I fall asleep and wake an hour or two later in confused fear. It’s like my body and mind are out of sync and sometimes it feels like I’m trying to reach the surface from the bottom of the ocean and I run out of breath before I reach the top. Other times it feels like I’m trapped or falling.
These nighttime panic attacks are a real blast.
When my body catches up to my brain, my eyes pop open and I fly out of bed— shaking, sweating, sometimes crying, fighting to stay awake-sometimes for hours- until the fear subsides.
The first few times it happened, I tried to figure out what was causing it, but I couldn’t put a name to what I was afraid of or even decide what might be bothering me.
Every attack left me with the same ending: I was scared to go back to sleep because I didn’t want it to happen again.
During the daytime hours, busy with family and work. I felt fine— no sign of panic or even anxiety.
It dawned on me that the nighttime attacks began happening around the same time as the partial upstairs collapse of the Mercy House Global warehouse and I wondered if they were somehow related or if it was just a coincidence. I was in the building when it happened six weeks ago and it was very scary, but I was okay, right?
After a particularly rough night, where I spent most middle of the night and early morning hours between my bed and living room sofa, playing and replaying scriptures on my phone and looping worship songs about peace, I drove my sleep-deprived body to work the next morning, crying most of the drive.
I needed help. I was exhausted.
I pulled over and I texted a pastor and asked for a Biblical counseling session. He met me that afternoon. Tears filled my eyes before he asked a question or I said a word. Just thinking about the vulnerable conversation that was about to happen made me weep.
I’m going to cry, I announced as I looked around for Kleenex. He waited for me to return with a box of tissues.
The thirty minute session turned into two hours, thanks to his generosity. I basically recounted the past two years in a stream of consciousness flow and I talked about Covid and how it changed so many things…how 2021 began with one of the three maternity homes in Kenya burning down, kids heading to college, my daughter’s autoimmune disease, and I remember saying something about not even trusting a floor not to fail anymore…I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is spiritual or physical but I’m so tired.
He listened and took notes and then asked this question, “When did you stop writing?”
I thought it was an odd question. What does that have to do with midnight panic?
“I guess in March of 2020, after Made to Move Mountains came out and the pandemic started a week later…” I answered thoughtfully.
We talked about my writing journey … how it started as a way for me to process motherhood, what it became once Mercy House Global started, and why I stopped (so many reasons–it felt like work, it felt like failure, it felt too hard to make the time).
“Okay, if you’re not writing anymore, how are you processing things?” He asked.
Silence.
More silence.
I had no idea. I, mean, I know there are a lot of ways to process things, but I just honestly didn’t know if I was doing any of them.
He leaned in, “I think you’re fine during the day because you’re busy and there’s always so much to do, but at night when your body slows down, your mind doesn’t stop. Maybe your brain is trying to process all that has happened. Try writing again. Something. Anything.”
That night, I wrote the first few sentences of this blog post. For the last week, I’ve written a few more, each day…slowly. I think I’ve got a lot to say.
I stopped writing because I was doing it for others.
I’ve started again because I’m doing it for me.
Oh, I’ve slept like a peaceful baby the past week.
Thank you Lord!
Oh my goodness, sweet lady, Thank you for sharing this. I, too, have been processing the last couple of years (so many changes and unexpected family issues, many not even ours). I knew I needed to slow down. I knew I needed to attend to my well being. But I have also sort of “given up” writing, mostly because my businesses have slowed way down….and I haven’t been writing much for me, either. Even tonight when I was feeling particularly well, I sat down to write and it felt good. My kids kept asking what I was doing which tells me I’m not doing it enough. I need to write for ME again. I need to write in order to process. I hadn’t quite put that together. Again, thank you. I’m glad you’re sleeping better. And I look forward to reading more.
You may have started writing again for yourself, but it still blesses me, whatever your reason is. I missed you and so very thankful you found the answer to better peace and rest. Hugs and blessings.
Ohhhhh how I’ve missed your writing as we too had our home burn to the ground one month before your fire and as my daughter battles the hard living full time in Nairobi. Your processed words on these hard things always help me process them too! Your faith written down encourage my faith each time I read it. Welcome back and thank you!
Lovely! We need you back!
Praising God for the peace you’ve received! Your many gifts and talents are such a blessing to this world- especially your amazing way with words. You’re a beautiful willing vessel whom God has, and will continue to use, to pour His light and love into this dark world!❤
My husband sometimes suffers from night terrors, so I have some familiarity. And I’m so sorry. I’m glad that writing has resolved the terrors of the night, regardless if it’s published. But it is so nice to hear your voice again.
I’m praying for your continued peace.
I am so happy you are sleeping again (and writing again) but sad you have to go through all of this. Prayers going up now!
Writing has always been a wonderful processing tool for me. A counselor said to me it is like throwing up a little each day- I know that sounds odd but it made sense that I could get the mental junk out, regurgitate my day, ideas , thoughts on paper. And it’s a work through of decisions that brings not just clarity but lots of peace.
I’ve been a preschool for several years and I often tell my parents when they have concerns about thier child’s progress: learning , growing is all about the process, not the product.
I have to remind myself this as well when I become overwhelmed. The process is where the growing is, the release, the learning and every now and then God uses it to share a beautiful product for others .
I pray your process of writing brings you the product of peace
Wow! I’m so thankful God spoke through the pastor that day to grant you the rest you needed and help you process through writing. I am going to start a journal today. 🙂 Continuing to lift you and MHG up in prayer!
Thank-you Jesus! I’m so glad you got the peace you needed Kristen. God is so good to meet us in the valleys and walk with us, and I am glad the pastor encouraged you to start writing again. Scripture is clear that those who persevere/endure until the end will enjoy eternal life. It’s a bumpy, scary, hard road. “Thy word is a lamp unto our feet, and a light unto our path.”
I have several writings I never finish. Although I do not have night terrors, I do wake at night. I usually stay right there in bed, aches and pains from arthritis and fibromyalgia along with other auto immune issues makes it hard to want to do much of anything. I live a mostly sedentary life.
I know I should be getting up and spending precious, quiet, alone time with the Father. Finishing the writings is a goal. I don’t know what they are for and that bothers me. I consider them to be almost sermons- processing that is hard when there is such controversy surrounding women in ministry. I also feel like there may be a book in me. After all everyone is supposed to have one……where does that even come from? Considering English was not even close to my best subject in school and punctuation is not something that is easy I don’t understand how writing is even something I try. To those of you who do it well, and bless my soul with your blogs I say thank-you!!
Welcome back!!! For your good! I always miss your writing when it is not here but mostly I’m teary because you’ve carried such heartache, life stress and I’m hopeful writing will truly be balm for the soul. Bless you!
Others have already stated well what a gift your pastor gave you. He was very discerning! Blessings as you rest well. I can only imagine the stress you recently endured. God uses all these things for our good- eventually. My newest t-shirt says “we grow through what we grow through.” What it doesn’t say is how much we help others when we share that process of growth! It, too, is a gift!
1 Corinthians 1: 3-7
Praise the Lord!
I have tears in my eyes reading this as I have fought a very similar battle with nighttime terrors and anxiety my whole life, and for whatever reason a lot lately. I am believing God wants freedom in this area, and will pray for you as I pray for myself. Thank you for your vulnerability. It touched me greatly this afternoon.
With love in Christ,
Jenni Wiatt
I love this. I don’t comment often, but this reminded me of a quote from Mary DeMuth today, “Sometimes God calls us to write, not to be published, but to heal.” I’m glad you connected with someone wise enough to connect the dots for you. Praying that you continue to heal…
Thanks for sharing your struggle with honesty and hope. It makes me feel less like a crazy person!
I am sorry you are struggling – that is a lot to process, for sure! – but thankful you have “re-found” your outlet. (And I do love when you write – it always encourages my heart.)
You writing for you is such a gift to us mothers going through our own battles. Your soft, kind voice is soothing and calming. I’m thankful you are sleeping again. And I’m thankful to hear your voice again. Praying for you and yours.
I found you through your writing, I’ve stayed because of your heart, mission, love of Jesus and because I think (and know) you and your family are awesome. Prayers to you, my friend.
Your words are a balm to weary souls, both yours and ours. You are so far from being “a failure”, though the enemy delights in us believing that lie. You are an incredible encouragement and daughter of the King of Kings who delights in your words and knows them before you do. Keep going, sister. You’re on the right track…
I have missed your writing so much, but,this isn’t about me. I thank our Lord for giving you an avenue to process all the mighty things He is helping you do. You are so loved, by so many ladies. Thank you too, for your pastor counselor’s wisdom.
I have missed your writings! I hope that you will continue to find the time to write for yourself, but also hope that you will continue to share your writings with us.
Hooray! 🙂 Glad you are sleeping now!
Thank you for sharing and what a wise pastor! Always enjoy reading your musings!❤️ Praise the Lord good sleep has found you again!
Thank you so much for being willing to share your beautiful journey.
Wow! Friend I am so sorry. That is heavy. I am glad he was able to help and that writing is helping you process.
So many are encouraging you to write because of the way they have been blessed – may I encourage you to simply write without the need to publish? I have found writing in the early morning before doing anything else often brings messages straight from God’s heart through my fountain pen to nourish me. And knowing I will write again tomorrow morning often enables me to stop carrying burdens through the day, and instead leave them at His feet. May you be blessed with the same freedom.
Thank you for sharing, and writing. I too have missed your blogs. Sweet sleep dear one!
Thank you very much for sharing your amazing story with us.