I’m just going to say it: Sometimes I don’t get God.
Oh, I try. I line up my limited understanding and my perfectly planned to-do list next to His revealed path and sometimes, it’s a terrible matching game.
So, spending this past week in a hospital bed for five days, hooked up to continuous iv fluids, working round the clock to revive my shutdown kidneys (WHAT!?@), I whispered it. “God, this doesn’t make sense.”
I don’t understand why the day before we were to leave for Africa to do work at Mercy House, I went into acute renal failure, as a perfectly healthy young woman. This doesn’t make sense.
As a last-minute precaution, knowing I had a long flight the next day, I made an unplanned visit to Urgent Care to have my lower back pain and nagging nausea checked out. Nothing could have prepared me for a “You will end up on dialysis or worse if you go to Africa tomorrow” speech from an ER doctor.
I knew I should be overwhelmed with thankfulness that I didn’t have this unexpected health crisis in a third-world country. I was, I am–thankful. But it’s all layered with a bunch of confusion and anger as to why it had to happen and the terrible timing.
When my Pastor sat at the end of my bed, I asked him, chin trembling, faith-weakened. Is this satan attacking or is this God’s plan?
He quoted, “The enemy can take no advantage but what the Lord permits him; and He will permit him none but what He designs to overrule for your greater advantage in the end.” – John Newton… His timing was perfect, Kristen.”
Ultimately, the how and why still don’t make sense to me, but I trust Him. I don’t want my plan-it’s one-sided and error-filled.
I want His plan, even if it’s hard. Because in the end, it’s better.
When God doesn’t make sense, He is still God.
[Insert painful dose of honesty] I’M AN EMOTIONAL MESS, Y’ALL….trying to find my bearings and figure out what’s next. I’m waiting on further test results to try and figure out this medical mystery while ironically, feeling very good. I’m also hoping to be cleared to re-schedule our trip. Trying to get needed supplies over, Skyping meetings I thought I’d have in person….
I’ve cried and whined and reminded myself to trust. I’ve felt bitter and angry and relieved and anxious. And finally, just a night or two ago, I whispered it, “What do I need to learn from this, God? What are you trying to teach me?”
I’m leaning into the answer. He is revealing my need for ultimate trust, my desire to control the uncontrollable, my dependency on too much of me, not enough of Him. And the simple fact that I haven’t truly rested in a year.
He is still the One I trust.
Even when I don’t understand.
A month ago, I wrote a post for (in)courage about darkness and finding my way around in it. I’m sure it’s not a coincidence.