I didn’t mean to pick a fight.
But it turns out I’m super talented at turning little things into a big deal.
We argued for 15 minutes in the kitchen about buying a new printer for Mercy House (that we needed, but I thought was too expensive).
Yeah. That should make you feel better about your last marriage squabble.
When I had a chance to step back and peel away the layers of my anger, I didn’t see anger at all; I saw fear.
Because the argument wasn’t really about if we could afford to buy another printer for our non-profit. And it wasn’t really about taking a step of faith to hire a second full time person that same week …
It was the fear that came with it.
But sometimes I take the long route to get to the point.
And the argument with my daughter the day before wasn’t really about her not having anything to wear, it was about the way she felt about herself in the her clothes that day.
The misunderstanding between my son and I wasn’t really about him not wanting to practice archery, it was about him losing his coach and the grief that is now wrapped up in the sport for him.
There are 6 words that shortcut us to the point of pain within our family. I learned them on a therapist’s couch (yep, I highly recommend counseling for couples and families during seasons of transition, difficulty or just because you want to be the healthiest version of your family that you can be) and they can not only diffuse a situation, they can help us help each other.
And they are (said tenderly, in love, maybe with a hand on an arm or a step towards our loved one):
What do you need from me?
When our teen is angry masking hurt, the question can help them open up.
When our spouse is upset, but really hiding fear, the question can cut to the root.
When our child is having a hard time expressing themselves…
Isn’t that what we all want? To be understood and heard…
“This isn’t about a printer. I just need you to tell me that God’s got this, that He will keep providing the money we need. . .”
When my husband heard what I needed, he gave it to me.
So, the next time you don’t know what to say, try these six words:
What do you need from me?
The answer might surprise you.
Lori says
August 18, 2015 at 11:51 pmKristen, in a kind of “what do you need from us” thing, why not create a wish list of things that your family and Mercy House needs (I understand you need donations, but there are tangible things we could help you with here like the printer). If you let your readers know what you need, they can step up and help.
Amazon has a wish list option. Folks could clearly see what you need and buy for you or offer you similar things they have. (I have a friend that collects and refurbishes computers, printers, etc.)
Jennifer Frisbie says
August 19, 2015 at 8:23 amI second this!
Laura Petry says
August 19, 2015 at 8:24 amYes! Fabulous Idea!
Amber K says
August 19, 2015 at 8:30 amI’m a visual person, picture me with hand raised high like I’m the 2nd grader in the first row with pigtails and I want to reveal my awesome answer to the teacher!! And I’m saying…”ME TOO ME TOO!!! You already have the prayers! 🙂
*Praying for your boy. Gosh. I can imagine what a hit that has taken on his precious heart. Our son lost his best friend to a brain tumor his senior year. It’s been 2 1/2 years. Our son…it’s taken its toll. We continue to pray for him. XO
Jennifer Mitchell says
August 19, 2015 at 9:21 amAWESOME IDEA
Tonya says
August 19, 2015 at 10:44 amOur local Christian pregnancy center has Amazon wishlists and they do a baby shower every year. You can order from their wishlists and have items sent directly to them.
Hannah says
August 24, 2015 at 6:00 pmThere IS a wishlist on the Mercy House website.
Rhonda says
August 19, 2015 at 8:21 amThat’s a great idea Lori!
Kelly says
August 19, 2015 at 8:48 amyes, EXACTLY….this is something that i needed to hear today…been struggling a TON with all the changes going on within our family…from oldest starting college and losing friends to going away for school to the boy we thought she would make serious…to a miss step with job and not-so-good people from the old job.
I struggle with this soooo much because I hate seeing my people in pain and want to make it better AT ANY COST.
sigh…..
Victoria says
August 19, 2015 at 11:14 amI am also very skilled at picking a fight.
I am looking forward to diffusing the next situation with my two sons (one is 4 and can’t always express his frustration and one is 6 and I need to step back more).
Thank you for sharing this today! I let out a sigh of relief.
God bless you!
Janice says
August 19, 2015 at 2:20 pmi love this! I am going to try to remember to say this in my next disagreement! It really does get to the root of the problem.
melissa says
August 20, 2015 at 7:14 amI needed to read this yesterday, and I even tried it out with a child that was particularly challenging. His “need from me”? “Mama, I want to read a Bob book!” So we did. He really wants the one-on-one time that his bigger brother gets while learning to read out loud. But hey, he also really needed sleep, considering that he slept 12 hours last night! 🙂
Jackie Mitchell says
August 20, 2015 at 9:30 amI think this is a great idea for the person saying “What do you want from me?” because it helps to focus on the needs of the other person (with the anxiety). That alone is a great perspective in most “discussions” with conflict. But I’ve asked and been asked various versions of that question many times and most often the person it is asked of says they don’t know. And they don’t. Which is what causes the conflict in the first place. If we all knew what our feelings were and were able to explain them to the other person in a conflict, there wouldn’t really be one, would there? Maybe I misunderstood, but I think this is a major issue. Helping the other person uncover their real issue around conflict is much harder than just asking a question about what they need from you.
Hannah Hall says
August 20, 2015 at 2:07 pmKristen,
I appreciate so much how practical your posts are. And, oh my, can I relate. I’m glad other people argue about printers. Our last argument was basically over a map. Yep. We’re super cool.
Beth R. says
August 22, 2015 at 7:58 amOh, this is so me. It took me forty years to realize that under the snappiness and “picked fights” is usually hurt, or stress, or something else I’m harboring and expressing all wrong. A big part of it is what I learned growing up with. My mom was a yeller, and my parents always fought. It was how they dealt with everything. I didn’t learn how to deal with stress, or anger, or hurt. I learned that when things were tough, you yelled or picked a fight. Awful, isn’t it? I brought that baggage into my marriage, to the most patient man, whose parents NEVER even argued in front of the kids. He thought happily married couples didn’t fight. Ever. We have had a long twenty years together working through all of that.. but this post spoke right to my heart.
I also second the Amazon wish list. I think that’s a great idea.
Hannah says
September 2, 2015 at 11:39 amI will be treasuring this advice! Thank you