I didn’t mean to cry.
I was stirring dinner and a salty tear or two might have splashed into the soup.
I had just sent all three of my kids to their rooms because honestly, they were safer there.
One of my kids was so whiny from a sleepover my eye twitched every third word she said, my middle one was following me around making noises and my teen had just hurt my feelings.
I stirred soup and thought about all the things that had gone wrong in the last hour and how I had handled them and I cried.
I looked up and saw my 13 year old son standing in the doorway.
He didn’t say a word. He walked over and wrapped his arms around me and he hugged me for a long time. He’s nearly 6 foot tall, this gangly boy-child of mine and all I could think was, “He is acting like a man.” And I swallowed the enormous lump in my throat.
He spoke for his siblings and said, “We’re sorry, Mom,” and then he was gone.
I stood in the kitchen and thought about how quickly my perception of my kids gets distorted. I live so up- close to them. I’m their manager, their evaluator, cheerleader, and chief overseer. I scrutinize and organize and sometimes forget to realize who they are right now and not just who they are becoming.
I mean, yeah, I know I am blessed with wonderful kids. I know this.
But in the moments when I feel like their behavior is a reflection of the job I’m doing as mom, I don’t always remember it.
Our home is their practice field. It is their learning ground. This is where I want them to get it wrong. The failures aren’t forever and they don’t define them–or me.
I live in this place –this close space of motherhood–where it’s easier to pick out what we get wrong and forget to acknowledge the countless things we get right.
I like to think and write, challenge and inspire us to be better because I want to be better and I want to raise grateful kids. But I think it’s also good to stop and acknowledge where we are because that helps us see how far we’ve come.
I’m always talking about gratitude and perspective (and heck, I wrote a 50,000 word book on it), but I’m learning when it’s hard to see the truth close up (especially on hard days), sometimes we have to step back for it to come into focus. It’s all in how we look at it, but we do have to stop and look.
I called my kids down for dinner. The rocky afternoon was long forgotten as we fought over the biggest squares from the brownie pan.
When I step back and change my perspective, when I turn my magnified view into a bird’s eye one, I don’t see their mistakes.
No, I see really great kids standing in front of me.
And that helps me see that their mom is pretty great, too.
It’s so easy to get bogged down in the discouragement of the moments that we forget to look at the beauty of the souls before us. Thanks for this, Kristen!
Thank you for this. So needed it today. You may have just saved my son….
Why is it so hard for us to balance the expectation of great things with the understanding that learning comes through mistakes many times, to love them as the Father loves us, patiently correcting? I needed this. I tend to place my identity in my own or my kids’ success, which leads to that examining everyone under a microscope. But like you I have wonderful kids that are most of the time examples to others.
They surprise us sometimes, don’t they? A couple of weeks ago I went into our bedroom and found a note on my nightstand from our 16-year-old daughter (acting as the children’s spokesman) which read: “All the kids have been saying that you seem stressed out, so here’s some stress away, candy, lotion, and a candle to help you relax! We love you and you don’t get enough credit.” Next to it was the candle, the Stress Away (essential oil), Lindor truffles, and lotion. I think a mama could live off of “you don’t get enough credit” from her kids for a while.
That’s so sweet, made me cry!
What if you wait and wait and those moments you described never come?
It will. Remember they will mirror what they see us do. A little forgiveness, or an occasional apology for an overreaction, or a much needed hug when your teen is being moody will do wonders.
I pray that it will come for you. Remember, it is a marathon, not a sprint! 🙂
It doesn’t hurt to ask for some help; if it feels like it won’t happen on it’s own, maybe a professional counsellor can help. Hang in there!
Thank you so much for this reminder, Kristen! I have thought of so many ways I wanted to explain how this message hit home for me but I truly, from the bottom of my heart, just want to say THANK YOU and THANK GOD for bringing us together!!!
Wonderful article! I see my grandchildren and their parents in this example very clearly. You just explained to them in a few words what I’ve been trying to say to them for years. Thank you.
What an amazing feeling it is when all your motherhood blood, sweat and tears is acknowledged by a teenage hug! I had a similar moment recently with my 15 y/o daughter. It made my year! And now, we trudge on to the next day, however I will always cherish the small moments that make everything else a bit easier to handle.
I love that your son hugged you like that. What a beautiful post and great reminder. By the way…you do have great kids and you are a great mom!!!
Nobody said parenting would be easy!! Love them and let them know it…but don’t take any crap….no one else will in the real world!
Wise words indeed reminded to me by both you and my wife. I too often see the reflection of the bad things i do and think “where did i go wrong teaching them” and forget that we are all learning as parents and children every day. Use each blessed moment to both teach and be taught. We all face challenges but remember, our kids are watching and will learn how to overcome those same challenges as we are. Love you babe (my wife 🙂 ) for the reminders. One day soon i know i won’t need them. Thank you.
What a gorgeous post – so moving.
I am not a mother yet, but I am a teacher. Thanks for this reminder because in my field it get hard sometimes to step back and just take in all that a student is.
What a great post! I found you on a share on Facebook from the great mother of my (step) Granddaughter (step… what a terrible word…I call her my bonus grandchild)). Now that my children are grown I reflect back so much and I wonder if I was that mother that always nagged or ordered or disciplined or did I have a good balance! Like you said…did I get caught up too much in the everyday that I didn’t recognize or Acknowledge what was good. I hope I did and now that my children are having children I hope they can’t remember to do just as you say and step back and she what great kids they have, because even if my kids did turn out great…I’m pretty sure I didn’t always!
Thank you for so perfectly sharing that. I NEEDED that reminder. I heard a quote once that said, “Don’t get so caught up in raising good kids you forget you’ve already got one.” Amen!
This is oooh so true, I know I work full time and I’ll get home from a rough day and my kids get the brunt, not fun for me or them. I keep two notes at work right by my computer both from my daughter, one says “I love you Mom and have a grat afternoon.” (the spelling is exact), she put that in my lunch one day about 2 yrs ago. The other she took a sticker I had a work and wrote “super Mom” which she stuck on my stapler, it makes it all worth it. Funny how Dad never gets these little notes 🙂
This is just so great, I think we all have days like this, it is admitting it and moving on that is the key, you have put it so beautifully, this is their practice ground for life, I love it x
I have 2 kids, one of whom was quite a challenge to raise. We eventually sought professional help because we struggled with him so much. One of the things the therapist had us do was reward the child who was behaving, while ignoring the misbehaving child entirely. We got some play money (Monopoly money or poker chips work great) and put some rewards in a “Reward Box”. The rewards can be anything that works, and the parent determines how many chips or dollars each reward costs. Our rewards were quite varied: snacks that I do not normally stock in our home (such as candy bars, granola bars, and snack-packs of Oreo cookies, Nutter Butters, Cheez-Its, etc.); or a half hour of watching tv or playing video games; or special one-on-one time with mom or dad such as dinner and a movie with mom, golfing with dad, etc.
The way it works is any time you see a child doing something good, you reward them. At first you may have to start small, such as one child is whining and the other is just sitting there quietly. You hand the sitting child a play-dollar or chip, say “Thank you for sitting there without whining,” and completely ignore the whining child. This does two things – the whining child does not get the negative attention, and as he observes his sibling getting a reward, he learns there are better ways of getting what he wants.
But the best part is what it teaches us PARENTS. We learned to look for the good and positive behaviors in our children, instead of always focusing on the bad behaviors. We can get so mired down with what they’re doing wrong that we never focus on what they’re actually doing right. It becomes very tough to enjoy the relationship for both sides.
The reward system worked very well for us. As they grew older, we tweaked the rewards to align with their interests and hobbies. My “problem” child is now a young adult, and is a joy to be around.
I never post comments – ever. My first. I am in so many ways a reflection of you – constantly working to be better, evaluating, reflecting, and hoping I’m always having an uplifting and inspiring influence on those around me. We’ve just move to our second foreign country in 2 years… and had so many many rocky experiences along with good ones of course. I’m still sorting out my culture shock, adjusting to the new… and I find myself truly sad by how my own struggles have impacted my children. I became severely sick upon arriving in our last country and I became self absorbed trying to survive and work my way out of my sickness. While I did manage to do that my youngest son was home with me … and I see how it negatively impacted him to be with me during such a dark period. Your post brought me the light and hope I needed. A reminder that I do believe God is with me – and that he fills in my mothering and makes it enough. My children are amazing, and they are flawed, like their mother. But I believe I am also enough if I work with God to guide me in my actions, and that with God’s power in the end it will all be perfect. Thank you Kristen. I can’t tell you enough how powerfully good your words have been for me.
After another rough evening with our teen son, I really needed to hear this tonight. Thank you!
Thank you for this. I needed this perspective after a long week. (The fact that it’s only Wednesday and I’m already calling it a long week only reiterates my point. 😉 )
It is all so worth it! Prayers for all of the mama’s!
Thank you so much for posting this. It came across my timeline on Facebook and it is 100% what I needed today. Thank you so much for your encouragement! Love your blog!
Thanks for the reminder. I’ve had a little bit of a struggle with my son as he figured out where he fits in and that sometimes it’s okay to not feel like you fit in.
Thank you, thank you for this! I needed this tonight! Feeling so discouraged and feeling like I have failed my kids! I need to take a step back and look at all the things I have done correctly. I know God has all under control and he has our kids right where He wants them!!! I just have to trust Him fully and not rely on myself! I have so many expectations for my kids. I gotta let go, and let God 🙂
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have had very similar experiences just like this lately, complete with my own gangly almost 6′ tall 13 year old “man child.” 🙂 Thank you for the insight, the reminder, and the faith to keep on trying. Our kids are a wonderful gift!
Good blog you have got here.. It’s hard to find excellent writing like yours nowadays.
I seriously appreciate people like you! Take care!!