He pulled me into the closet. And closed the door. I could hear kids calling. We ignored them.
He whispered, “I miss Hawaii. I miss you.”
We promised each other back in August, sand between our toes, loving a carefree togetherness we hardly recognized that we wouldn’t slip back into the hurried routine and forget each other. It was a free company trip and we took advantage of every second. And now all we have left are the amazing sunglasses his company gifted us.
It’s easy to make promises when it doesn’t seem to cost anything and when this is your view:
And it’s easy to forget them when this is your view:
Promises are much harder to keep in the making-breakfast-doing-laundry-carline-and-work filled days. I believe it’s called monotony. And it can kill your marriage.
20 years and we are still each other’s favorite person most days. We miss one another when we’re apart and can’t get enough when we’re together. Usually. But we also let a messy house, a cold dinner, a parenting dispute, that unexpected bill, you know life, come between us.
And our whispered white sand promises are lost in the busy monotony of our lives.
Yet we still vie for a hot marriage. I actually think about it. I see him through the kitchen window mowing the lawn, shirt off, hot and sticky, flecks of mud and grass stuck to his chest. And I think “hmmm….” He walks in from a long day of work, tie at his throat and sits with our little girl and reads with her. It’s just plain sexy.
But then dinner boils over and milk is spilled at the table, I scrub pots and pans, mop up messes, call out Science lab terms to my 6th grader, turn over a load of laundry, and remind someone to feed the dog again. I walk outside to dump half empty water bottles into my pots of wilted flowers and I’m greeted with the foul odor of the septic system. My husband heads out to Home Depot for chemicals because some things that stink just can’t wait. I’m left to do baths and devotions and by the time he returns, I can hardly keep my eyes open. Tomorrow is filled with much of the same, a lesson here, a church group there, it has a way of going from Monday to Thursday in a snap and I can hardly remember that hot guy mowing the lawn.
I can confirm the temperature because I have known the extremes: a cold marriage, filled with contempt and misery. And a lukewarm marriage, perhaps the worst, filled with idle days, stagnant affection and distant intimacy.
We have lived every season. Our favorite by far: white hot. It’s also the most difficult to maintain.
Marriage is hard hard hard work. We never arrive and kick up our feet and ride the waves of hot monogamy. It takes faithful, committed, selfless habit-forming work in the middle of a boring routine. They say it takes 21 days or more to create a habit. I dare you to try the following 7 habits for the next month and see what happens:
7 things we try to do every day:
- Touch everyday: Make a conscious effort to grab his hand, run your hands thru her hair, kiss for a couple of seconds. Set a goal to physically touch his arm when you’re talking, tackle him in a hug in your closet, pat her butt on the way out the door.
- Be good forgivers: Perhaps the most crucial key is forgiveness. Listen, marriage is the union of two people prone to mistakes and sin, you can’t control your spouse, but you can forgive. Refuse to pick them apart, turn molehills into mountains and wave the banner of unforgiveness.
- Make the little things big: The other day, my husband gave me a card and a new wallet, just because. It was a small thing, but it made a big impression. I knew he was thinking about me when we were apart. Connecting with your spouse in small ways that makes them feel loved is a big deal.
- Fill our head with thoughts of each other. Let’s be honest, we live in a world where it’s easy to fill up our tank with outside influences. From the pretty girl in the office or in the magazine to the romantic, handsome guy in the novel we’re reading or movie we’re watching, there are many ways to get satisfaction outside of our spouse. Lust is ignited with a second look. But when we only let our mate fill up our tank, we are on the path to a marriage that is not only white hot, but Godly.
- Go to bed at the same time: While this might not be possible every night, this habit is important because it is a quiet time to connect. Nearly missing each other constantly brings a chaos to your home that isn’t healthy for your marriage or family.
- Pray for one other. My husband is under a great strain most days. He recognizes my own burden often. Knowing that we are lifting each other up to God is not only selfless, it’s powerful. Hearing my name on his lips in prayer is not only meaningful, it strengthens our union.
- Compliment each other. This might sound like a no-brainer, but five-hundred people can like my new hair cut (my kids not included) and none of the compliments mean as much as his. Seeing him look at me–really look and watch attraction ignite in his eyes, is amazing. We were grocery shopping at Sam’s the other day and I casually pointed out the green t-shirt on sale and said, that would look good on you. My daughter tried to convince him to get the red one and I overheard him tell her, “No, mom likes the green.” Your influence over your spouse is powerful, use it to bless them.
We get it right some days and miss the mark other days. But we never give up.
Awesome post Kristen! After 24 years of marriage I couldn’t agree with your seven habits more! I think it’s so important to talk about in a world where marriage lasts as long as you still are in the “white hot” days, but if it changes from there people tend to call it quits! One thing I’ve learned, we go through these phases, but they always circle back around to the “white hot” when we’re working on nurturing it under God’s love & guidelines!
After 41 years of marriage I can say this is pretty much our marriage, but it came with a price! We’ve been through all these stages to an absolute train wreck, to a place of oneness that we’ve never had before! We laugh together, Love together, play together and worship together. Praise God! We now minister to couples to help them avoid these train wrecks, or to restore the ones that already have. You can have this too, DON’T GIVE UP!
Thank you for sharing. I’m in a season of marriage that is cold and distant (train wreck!). If you have time, I’d love to email with you to figure out how to go from where I am (and you’ve been) to where you are. I am desperate. Thank you! My email address is gviva@comcast.net
There is an amazing book called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Read it, it is worth it. I wish it could have saved my marriage, but our marriage was too far gone (likely never there) when I found this book. It has a power to save and/or rekindle the flame in almost any normal marriage. Beautiful reading too…
I don’t normally do this but I was just wondering what you do if you have only been married for a year and and your relationship has gone from HOT to cold? My poor husband works his fingers to the bone just to make ends meet and we’re still struggling for the necessities. Unfortunately I’m unable to work but I stay home and care for our two children and the housework. I miss the way things used to be!
It is normal for the “reality” to set in win two years of marriage. This happens faster when kids are involved. My husband and I got pregnant 2 months after our wedding. It’s two a half years later now and things are still HARD but great. Two Becoming One is a study we’ve done together twice now and we could not speak more highly of it. We go back to it again and again when we have an issue.
April, I’d encourage you to heap praise on him for all his hard work for you and your family. There’s nothing more draining for a man than working endlessly and not being recognized for it. My husband and I moved away for a job almost 2 years ago and he works A LOT! But when I tell him how much it means to me that he does it all for me, he just lights up and it definitely gives him the boost he needs to focus on our marriage, too.
Cheryl,
Your comment “Don’t give Up” really hit home. We are currently struggling through our train wreck.
Thank you
Keep Going!! There is great reward in train wrecks that persevere!!
Excellent! I really needed this.
I LOVE this! Thank you for sharing!
I want this kind of marriage. I pray for a great marriage. We have really been having a hard year which has followed some decent years and some hard one. I read about how God can change it if we pray and seek Him. Well I have been praying and seeking for what seem like forever and I am still waiting. I see Him do it with other marriage and wonder why He is not answering my prayers for a great marriage. there has not been any big sin against each other, we just don’t do conflict well and never have. Please pray. I am very discouraged right now and feel like a big failure.
Don’t give up – tell your problems how big your God is – if God hasn’t given you whose answers, maybe there’s something in you that He wants to change. I say that because I know! I am the one who neeeded to have a change. I still do. I see God working in small ways, and I wish it was in the big ways. I know God is not done, so I’m hanging on to Him with all that I have. Don’t Give Up!
Satan, you are under our feet! Our marriages are Holy to God, and you have no Power to destroy. Claim that promise.
That was beautiful. Thank you!
I was going to suggest something similar. The verse the Lord gave me was Psalm 139;23-24. When I began to let the Lord look at my heart instead of praying for Him to “change my husband”, it was amazing what took place. That was around year 10…we’re now heading toward 36.
Gary Thomas’s book Sacred Marriage is excellent…just FYI.
Lisa
Perhaps you should stop expecting God to solve your marriage, and instead, you should figure out with your husband what is wrong and how to fix it. I understand your need for prayer, but ultimately, the marriage will only hold up if both of you are willing to communicate and work on your problems. If you keep waiting for God to solve this, your marriage is doomed.
You comment doesn’t sound like one from someone who has been redeemed. It sounds like you don’t know the profound importance of prayer and how it is the “lifeblood” of a christian.
To the contrary, it sounds like one from someone who understands the admonition to “pray as if everything depended on God, and then work as if everything depended on you.”
To expect God to fix everything for you with no effort on your part is ludicrous. It reminds me of the man who saw a minivan parked on the shoulder of the interstate highway, and the family sitting on the embankment next to it. He stopped and asked if they needed any help, and they said, “No thanks, our car broke down and we just prayed and now we’re waiting for God to help us.”
I normally wouldn’t comment on this sort of thing, however I just couldn’t let this one go. She never says “rely on God to fix your marriage.” She does list 7 ways that YOU can work to fix it yourself, with ONE of those being that you should pray to God over and for your spouse. Praying for your spouse and asking God to fix your problems without you putting in any effort are two completely different things.
I think sometimes God gives us the tools to heal our relationships. We just have to use them. With His help and our commitment to the marriage…anything is possible.
I agree. Too many people are not using the gifts they have been given by God. Pray to God for strength and guidance, not to fix your problem like a magic wand. You have the tools to do it!!
Best advice on here. It’s ultimately up to both people in the marriage to make it work. Hence the saying, God helps those who help themselves
Where in the Bible do you find that saying exactly? It is not there. If God only helped those who could help themselves, then we would all be doomed to a life without salvation because it is a gift of God by grace, not by works. Telling someone that God only helps those who help themselves is faulty theology and could be dangerous spiritually for them. What happens when they “help themselves” but the don’t get answers because they didn’t seek the Lord for His wisdom as part of that self-help strategy? How does that affect their view of God and their relationship with Him?
Don’t give up! If there was ever a book I could recommend you BOTH read, it is “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas. My wife and I both read this, concurrently, in separate study groups, and it gave tremendous guidance! Marriage is hard work, we know that, but we have made a committment in front of God. Keep your chin up and keep on trucking!
Read “the five love languages by Gary chapman” it’s awesome. My husband and I have been together for 14 years. Only 8 of those years we were saved. So the first 6 were much harder. On our wedding day my sister in law gave us as a present this book. We read it and committing to working hard at achieving the goal. Since then our marriage has been better than ever. God has put a love for each other in our hearts that we didn’t have before. I highly recommend this book to any married couple and to retread it every few years because as you grow and mature, your needs may change. Praying for your marriage also. And pray together with your husband ( we still struggle with this one but we need to work harder at it).
I am replying to your comment & I know it was been a few months back but I pray all is well with you & your marriage! You said that you have prayed for some time now about your marriage & your prayer were not yet answered… you have to be patience because with GOD it all happens in HIS timing & not ours even if that means we have to wait a while.. always remember HIS timing is perfect timing! He is never early but never late & always on time because our GOD is an on time GOD! I know myself that waiting for things to happen that you have prayed for is really hard & even harder when you see others blessed with what you have been praying for… I’ve seen that happen too! While you wait on GODS timing also pray for HIM to give you the patience to wait.. & the faith to trust in HIM & the strength to stand strong. I pray that this helps your walk. Be blessed..
O k, I am telling this to myself jut out loud on your page. It is not the big things in life that change how our spouse reacts what we do it’s the little things that matter coming home to a cup of cappuccino A note left on the dash of the car A fruit put somewhere special that they’ll find it it’s the little gifts a little comments that make everyone feel special and if you do this with no expectations of them responding you can’t get hurt so then just like with a child you love them unconditionally.
Keep trying! And go get the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It’s awesome and I read it every year or two. We gotta start somewhere and the easiest place is with ourselves. Good luck!
Best advice I ever received for my marriage was tell your spouse thank you. Those 2 words have had such an impact. When you are thankful, you are thinking of the good that the other person possesses not their faults and failures. It keeps you positive and a positive attitude is much more attractive than a negative and oppressive attitude.
Maybe God wants to see how faithfully you pray. As humans, we often want what we want right then. Instant gratification… Trust ME, I’m just as guilty. But I promise- God has only good intentions for your marriage. Stay strong and faithful, and He will use your situation (every.single.conflict) to grow and shape your marriage in ways you can’t imagine. Pray together, as well. Praying for you, anonymous friend! God bless you and your soul mate.
Hey,hi..hw is ur life currently..read ur msg bit touching as mine also going thru in a different way,couldnt feel the real blessing or difference of hardship & misunderstanding..may the almighty bless every individual a beautiful connection,blessed couples fr life.my prayer fr me,u & all always.u tooo pray.
I am exactly where you are. It’s very depressing and discouraging. I’m sorry. I’ll pray for you. {hugs}
Go into your prayers and bear all. Go in with a whole hearted believing godly and positive attitude with the same faith abraham had and give your train wreck to GOD. Talk to your spouse also GOD will not test you more than you can bear.
LOVE! !!
The pace of life can be more than draining; it can be destructive in a marriage. Thank you for this reminder. 27 years in, and a good marriage is still work. I appreciate your candor.
Deb Weaver
thewordweaver.com
Excellent post Kristen! Thank you for sharing a real side of marriage and encouragement to make it better.
Thank you for your post! After only ten years together, 6 married, I fear we’re already in the hot monotony of marriage! Your 7 habits will be printed and posted on our bathroom door for constant reminders!
I love this post! My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We try to escape together for a few days (minus the 3 kids) once a year. Every time I look at the blue ocean waters of the resort I make a million promises to come back and declare how important it is for us to be away. And when I’m with the kids and monotony of life, I feel guilt for wanting to escape with him.
It’s a hard balance, but so worth it to put God and then our marriage first. I agree with your tips. We try to implement the same types of things.
Great post!
Great post! We’ve been married 26 years and have been through all of those stages many times. Life does get in the way – it’s hard for life not to get in the way because it’s always there! I do have to say, though, that my husband is a firefighter and it has never become old to see him in his uniform 😉 Maybe we all need a “pull your spouse into the closet” moment!
Hi, I really liked these 7 reminders. Thank you for speaking your heart on this subject and sharing the wisdom in it. I couldn’t help but think as I was reading this, though, of what a privileged bunch we are being able to take getaways, getting to bed at the same time each night, and having laundry, flowers, dishes and other normal things to attend to. It’s really a luxury to have a boring life. I would be so bold as to say that most marriages end because of much more powerful stressors such as multiple parents working different shifts, mountains of debt, foreclosures, job loss, traumatic illness, manipulation, etc. But if you are a blessed individual trying to ride the waves of monotony in monogamy these are really helpful reminders to keep your mind off of yourself.
Not everyone can go to Hawaii, that’s true. Kristen and her husband only went because he won the trip through his work. My husband and I work opposite shifts and never go to bed at the same time BUT these tips are STILL super helpful reminders to put in the extra effort to keep my marriage healthy and “hot”! Like most of us, Kristen and her family have gone through lots of “much more powerful stressors,” especially in the last year – which she’s shared here on her blog. I’m inspired that, through it all, she keeps her focus on the Lord and gives her all to her husband, her kids and her ministry.
Thank you, Kristen, for sharing this post!
I understand your point, Julie. Monotony is a privilege. Thankfully, we’ve made it thru some very hard times–infertility, miscarriage, grief after losing a sister, near divorce, financial loss, job loss, and much more in our 19 years. But in the “quiet” seasons that are seemingly easier, when we let our guard down, we struggle with being to busy for each in our routine.
Kristen hit this one right on the nose! Though it seems everyone goes through tough spots in life (some of those spots can be long lasting or even constant), it seems to be the down time when things unravel. This isn’t always the case, sometimes difficulties will push a couple apart much quicker than anything else, but I read somewhere (OH how I wish I remembered where) that the hardest time in a marriage is when everything seems calm. You both just float along in your little boats because things seem to be running smooth and there isn’t a need to “band together” and hang on tight to each other’s boats, and eventually you look around and realize that you and your spouse have drifted apart to such an extreme that you no longer see his boat in sight. It’s gradual, and it’s subtle. You both just go about life being a parent, an employee, or a boss, a PTA president, or Committee member, a child of God, a living angel (that is what I call someone who is always in service to those in need), but being a spouse was put aside for less busy and monotonous moments… And I think THAT is what this post is about. When things seem to be calm, take the time to hold tight to his boat.
Kristen, might I also suggest an 8th Habit? My husband and I have a stellar relationship. We get along well, rarely fight, and in all honestly, I have a hard time finding serious fault in him. 13 years of marriage, 3 kids, a miscarriage, unemployment, health issues and everything in between, and what has held us together more than any of it is a weekly date night. If money is tight, work out babysitting swapping with a friend or neighbor. Having a regular date night makes me feel less guilty about going out with the girls every couple months, and it makes me more understanding of my husband’s game nights with the guys, as well as gives me something to count down to when I am having a bad day… “three more nights til date night…. two more nights til date night…”
i LOVE this. thank you!! we are only on year 4, but how wonderful to hear these reminders young. thank you thank you!
Happy birthday to your husband! 🙂
Great reminders! 🙂
I LOVE THIS! Thank you so much! I cant believe this hasn’t gone viral. i think this resonates with do many women. It’s so good to be encouraged. Thank you. 🙂
Beautifully put. 🙂
Well said, Kristen. Bravo.
I would add to your list: Don’t shy away from the quickie in the closet. (I can say this, right?) These are the days when we take what we can get. It all adds up.
I want to know how you achieve a closet clean, clear and roomy enough to fit two people into it?
hahahaha
A cluttered, messy closet is part of the spark that makes the “quickie in the closet” fun!
My favorite is go to bed at the same time. When laundry is put away, kitchen is cleaned up and baby is sleeping… nothing better than some quiet time together.
Just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary and have gone through all the temperatures, too! It was so comforting to read your post today. Thank you so much for the honesty! It is REALLY hard to make a white hot marriage when everyday life surrounds us, but those moments when you do, WOW! So worth it. Loving your blog.
I wrote the 7 habits down in my journal and will be practicing them not only on my hubby, but on my children. Thanks for the encouragement!
This post is amazing and I am so grateful that I happened upon it today. Thank you for sharing your perspective and the great reminder. Love it!
Love your post. Great ideas I can use with four children. I sometimes feel that I push my husband to the back of my priorities. You have such great ways to show him that I care about him. Thanks.
I love you for posting this..so many NEED to hear it…they are doing the mother thing…but forget the wife thing..
It took conscious effort on my part after about 7 years and 2 kids and me being tired….I made a choice to never reject him any more…he had stop approaching me for fear of rejection. A stolen moment and whispered words in a closet, or a quick embrace while letting the kids fend for themselves for a few minutes make all the difference…the kids will survive and thrive..if your marriage does. what I started doing at that point, when he was coming home, to put on a video for the kids and rush outside before he got there. We then had about 5-10 mins..with the windows open to hear the little ones…we could catch up and speak to each other before the 9 pm i’m too tired to even get changed into my jammies hit.
Also we never shy from affection in front of our kids. Having grown up with a single mom, I had no idea what to do…but when my kids see us in a deep kiss…they go..AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWw they are 10 and 12…the toddler tries to get daddy all to himself..lol
I love your post. However, when I read it, all I can think of is this is not my marriage. My husband is gone 80% of the time. We don’t have the same anything and we cannot engage in these things. It makes me so sad. How long can a marriage go when these things can’t happen?
Hi Victoria, Yes I realize these tips won’t work for every marriage, there are traveling husbands, unsaved spouses, military families…but I do feel like you can create some habits that will help your marriage…like praying for your husband, talking on the phone before you go to bed, texting each other, spending the 20% of the time you are together, serving him in the ways that make him feel loved. Don’t give up. Look for ways to connect.
write letters while he’s gone and give them to him when he returns or when he leaves again…I know I had to stop saying to myself..i can’t do this because he won’t reciprocate…and he didn’t for a long time…wounds of rejection needed to heal…and now he reciprocates..but the joy is in the giving…watching him blush..or giggle like a school girl..for which I of course tease him mercilessly…lol….
get tracfones just to text each other…even if awkwardly…
some of my texts are simply…coooooooooooooome hoooooooooooooome, even if I know you can’t you are missed and you belong here…lol Mine used to travel tons..once he was gone 18 days straight, in a diff country…and we missed him sooo much..but it was the contact via facetime, facebook pics, emails, texts and phone calls…although phone is hard for us…it’s a zoo here…so calls were mostly to wish the kiddos good night…and good morning..and we’d message each other at night…
it doesn’t have to ressemble THESE things…find your own….your rules might be different…instead of touch each other daily..how about touch his soul daily…touch base daily…something…heck start with one thing that makes you feel closer to him…
best of luck don’t get discouraged. Keep trying..that in itself is a gift
After only 5 years of marriage I also waaaayyy agree. We shedule weekends alone when we are in the states. We pray together and try to not let our faces e
Get absorbed by the screens (phones, laptops, tvs) when we have our 1.5 hours post kids.
Thanks for this good reminder!!
After 18 years its hard to have a hot marriage…seriously, we have to make the effort or it will fail from neglect.
very true….we have no family here or available sitter with 3 “special” kids…but we manage to steal time..but it takes effort and sacrifices….friends of ours were so close to separation…they were on their way to tell her mother and then home to tell the kids…when last min they looked at each other and said want to give it another shot….so she started courting him like she did 17 yrs before….and sure enough he started slowly reciprocating…sometimes pulling back out of fear and hurt…they are now 2 months later..on their way to better and much further from separation…and much closer to forever…(I think they are there..lol) neglect will wither a plant and a marriage…well said Jeri
I love this post. Going to bed at the same time is something we struggle with constantly and I can definitely tell the difference when we do.
Really appreciate how you are promoting a lasting marriage, Kristin. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom. 10 years in, I’m nodding my head. White hot is hard work – but worth it!
Did you write this for my wife? 19 years of marriage. Hawaiian wedding. 6th grader. The dog(s). Mow the yard, Home depot. That’s our life! My wife forwarded this to me. I read it. I will print it. I will take heed.
This is fantastic! Every couple needs to read and practice these 7 simple things. What a difference they would make in our marriages.
Hello, everyone my name is CIARA from USA i never ever believed in spell until i meet a man called Dr CAFI who help me cast a spell that bring back my husband who left me for one years before our marriage, His spells works beyond my imaginations and today i am happily married two kids and me and my husband now husband are very happy more than ever before, what more can i say rather than to say thank you Dr CAFI for been there for me, contact him today and your life will never ever remain the same his email is cafilovetemple@gmail.com
“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood . . . ” but sometimes we do wrestle with flesh and blood and for flesh and blood. Our marriages fall into this category. While Satan wants to destroy, Christ has come that we might have life and life abundantly — his will for us. Healthy, loving marriages are part of that abundant life for those of us who are married. Your words are wise and true. Thank you for putting them out there. They blessed and challenged me today.
Ah, refreshing. I’ll be back. I felt very at home here reading this. Thank you.
This brought tears to my eyes. After 10 years we are struggling. We are on the other side of the worst of it, but a long way from white hot. I felt like you understood me.
Becky.. Sending my thoughts and prayers. I wrote ‘not letting a love go to waste’ after seeing some friends struggling recently.. it’s my best effort at trying to find some words of support x
Great post. Agree, it’s so important to actively make the effort to love eachother each day. I wrote a post about this at littlelifeplans.com as well 🙂
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We are in such a busy season of life between the demands of a newborn baby and the demands of working long hours. I needed this post today. Thank you!
My marriage will probably never be like this, but a good read. Gives you a lot to think about & pray for in your marriage.
What a wise and honest blog. I enjoyed reading it. As someone who has been married for over 44 years, and who knows how much work it takes to keep a marriage “alive” I applaud you for this column. I am Mrs. Older.
Would have liked to have read your site but the adverts are too disturbing to get into what you have written
Thank you for the article! I’m a little over 2 months from getting married and I love reading things like this. It’s easy right now for us to touch each other and express love, but I’m very aware that things change over time! I hope you and your husband have an even better 19 years ++ ahead!
Taylor Swift sings a line in her song “Ours” that says, “Life makes love look hard.” I enjoyed reading your post and have similar experiences in my marriage. 🙂
Really good!! After 21 years of marriage and counseling others in and before marriage, I would add two things: 1. Date each other regularly. Make that a priority from day one (don’t let money be an excuse. We had no money while my husband was in seminary and we found creative ways to date for free or very little money). 2. Take a trip together, just the two of you, at least once a year (if money doesn’t allow an actual ‘trip’ then just have a night or two away together at a hotel even if it’s in your own town).
Yes dating is very important! Even at home dates just watching a movie or eating a home cooked meal together!
I love this!!! It reminds me so much of the advice my husband and I were given at our wedding reception by a wiser married couple who had experienced many years of marriage and its ups and downs. They were very much in love still and we wondered what their secret was. They told us a couple of things. The husband told us to first think of our marriage as a bank account and to never ever take more than you put into it. The wife smiled and told us that they also give each other what they called 12 hugs a day. They could be literal hugs, a kiss or just a unselfish act of love a day. That was their secret to success. As the years wore on we have had all these cycles including a time when we almost broke up but we’ve been happiest when we followed their advice. We love your advice too and we’re trying to follow it. So far its making a huge difference.
Phenomenal. This is my favorite line:
“I can confirm the temperature because I have known the extremes: a cold marriage, filled with contempt and misery. And a lukewarm marriage, perhaps the worst, filled with idle days, stagnant affection and distant intimacy.”
Thank you.
I love it. Thanks for sharing :-). White hot is definitely the hardest to maintain, but those days when it gets back there are so divine! Your 7 habits here help to create the blue flame, you know the one that keeps the fire going; smouldering underneath? They are the most important, because they hold the connection for those awesome white hot flames!
CELEBRATING 55 years today. It feels like a short time ago
I loved this! The honesty and the hope. Thank you from one mom in a busy season who too often falls asleep on the couch by nine o’clock!
I am not married yet but this is really great advice I read all the comments and am taking everything in thanks for posting this I have a feeling ill come back and read it again when it is needed <3
My wife and I are going a quarter century together. We both agree we really don’t understand when people say marriage is “hard work”. We have never found it so. To the contrary – our lives would be hard WITHOUT it. Has it always been perfect? NO. But it isn’t ” work”. “White Hot” doesn’t last – but deep love does! The article has some truth but it is written from one perspective. My only fear is that it will create a scenario for some who will never reach it and they will think their marriage is a failure. Not so. Everyone’s needs are not the same. Deep, abiding, and committed love are the keys to marital success. not feelings or activities.
9 years after our wedding, it has become obvious that my husband never loved me – once I quit pretending, the ugly really began to surface and now I see it was me keeping us together all along. We’ll stick this out as we won’t give our children a legacy of divorce but good grief is it hard – admitting that I was the glue and realizing he never loved me has been freeing but gut wrenching all at the same time. God will guide me through this, I am not alone.
Excellent advice! Thanks for sharing.
Enjoyed this post! After having been married for almost 30 years and leading marriage retreats with my pastor husband, I would add to this to free yourselves from expectations and BE CREATIVE. Oftentimes, we have a list of to-dos that we think will make our marriages be “great” like everyone else’s. What makes one marriage work specifically may not work in another. My husband is a night person. I am a morning person. After I tried for several years to stay up with him, we realized it wasn’t necessary for our relationship, even when the kids were small. Our time is in the morning, when we are both fresh. I make him breakfast most mornings, and we sit and talk. We made breakfast work, even with school aged children. Trying to fit into the mold that works for everyone else is one of the biggest marriage killers I have seen. Seek the Lord’s leading to know what works for your particular marriage and family.
I didn’t see anything about blow jobs. This must be a mistake.
ran across this on facebook and enjoyed the read!!! I do a weekly Marriage Monday and I hope you dont mind I am linking over to this article on my MM tomorrow.
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You say that, because you don’t know your husband is cheating on you. I would open my eyes wider if I were you.
I loved your post. It has some great points. After 17 years of marriage I finally saw the light and dared to try oral & anal with my hubby. Intimacy has never been better and we finally both enjoy or marriage! Go all out girls and satisfy every part of your man ((which & you will reap the benefits of a happy marriage.
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I have to agree with Francine on this one. While I have been happy to oblige in fellatio with my husband ever since before we were married, her second “suggestion” hit the mark for us. We prefer to call it “Mr. Plow”. Admittedly on his first couple of plows, it was “a bit of a tight squeeze for us” but after a while I started to relax and now he plows me maybe twice or three times a week. He says it’s like having a “hole new wife” (pardon the pun). Frankly, it’s worked so well, that I’ve even started plowing him (with the help of an online purchase of course). Now I stap myself in, and we take turns plowing each other until we’re either satisfied or totally exhausted !!! (Even my bad back has been better since he’s been plowing me)
Congratulations for bringing such a frank and open discussion to the christian discussion table. For too long, we have been made to feel “dirty” for pleasuring our husbands and ourselves. It’s all good in Gods eyes when it’s in a faithful married relationship. Plow on girls !!!
Amazing stuff… just want I needed after the week of work I have had. My husband and I talk about these things all the time and how life just gets in the way. Thanks for the tips… we will definitely try our hardest… because we love each other so!
My husband and I have been married 20yrs.. He’s the greatest thing in the world to me, most of the time… some days though, I would like to throw him out a window… but most days, he’s the greatest.
Anyway, I feel like I’ve done all of these steps for years, and he’s a little bland with the return. I compliment him every single day, he smiles. He never compliments me. I constantly flirt and touch on him, he loves it. He doesn’t give much back in return. He loves attention on him, but doesn’t feel that I deserve the same treatment. I have forgiven him for SO much…his temper tantrums and previous sins, many of which nearly destroyed our marriage several times. But he still blames me for old boyfriends all the way back to middle school….people I can’t even really remember or care to. When we first got married, we discussed everything, including old boyfriends and girlfriends, just dumb talking that didn’t mean much. Now I feel like I’ve got a life sentence for my mistakes from childhood, yet his mistakes continue on to years into our marriage and I am suppose to forgive him. I do forgive him. I really do, but why can’t he do the same for me? Why can’t he flirt with me and compliment me? Am I not worth the same treatment?
I’m definitely a huge proponent of physical affection every day. I’m so surprised by people that don’t do that. I think it is just so hard to keep that at the forefront of marriage. I also think the complimenting is a big deal as well. Thanks for wrong this, as I really need these reminders with life getting so much crazier around here. It makes staying hot more difficult than I thought it would be.
Go to bed at the same time has been huge for us!
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Both my husband and I are born-again Christians and have been married for 13 years. I thought, at the time, that I was doing the right thing, what God wanted for both of us, despite nagging doubts. It has never been “white-hot” like the article talks about. I read this article and thought if it had been it might be worth fighting for. We are not doing good right now. For the second time in our marriage I find myself desperately wanting someone else. What’s worse is that I feel like he (husband) just doesn’t want to have to work at it. As long as we have sex once in a while he’s happy, but I AM NOT! For me so much is missing. Oh he gets good and mad when I confess my feelings for someone else and but other than trying to spice up our sex life, which he thinks is the whole problem, he makes no effort. He asked me a couple of days ago if I’d be willing to go to counceling. I said okay if he would set it up. He hasn’t done anything! I am really hurting right now.
This isn’t my blog and I am not a part of anything here, and I certainly don’t know the answer for you. Do try counseling, it can do a lot. And if both will work and look to God amazing things can happen in even the most troubled marriage. I just wanted to say that I will pray for you.
So who had the nagging doubts at the time of marriage and where does he get the idea that spicing up you sex life is what is needed. What happened with the first affair and why a second? All of these are questions you need to answer before you even think about dissolving this marriage or you will just carry the same mistakes forward into another one.
Great post! A good reminder in a life of busy with four young kids, pastoring and being parents, friends and a presence in the community. I will have to work on going to bed at the same time….
Perfect timing!! I am printing this out and giving it to my husband… We are in a luke warm season. So many things going on, just busy life. We’ve been together for 18yrs (married) and 23years since our first date. It’s easy to take each other for granted and let the “laundry” get in the way. Thanks again for always delivering great, heart-felt blogs!
I loved reading this. I must say I’m blessed to have a husband that loves me so much he will tell everyone even when we are at Home Depot. His exact words……we are in love and I don’t care who knows it, to the top of his lungs. While I’m probably 50 shades of red I’m smiling and glowing with pride and love. I love holding his hand and snuggling with him. He’s truly the love of my life.
Thank you SO much – especially for the reminder to pray for him. I know these things, I talk about them all the time, but living them is another thing entirely. Thanks. 🙂
I have been married just over 16 years and my wife left me and has been out of the house a month now. We are still married and I am doing everything I can to make her want to come home. I give her flowers all the time. I compliment her a lot, and doing whatever it takes to get her back home because I LOVE her with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her. We went out for a date and it started good then she told me that she didn’t love me anymore like she used to.
I am married since 3 years. And, I love my wife :), she is special to me, her smile makes me happy..her happiness makes me happy. Doesnot matter where her happiness lies its important to me she gets that ..Doesnot matter whether she is with me or not :), this is the reply I can only give
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I love all these ideas, except #5. Going to bed together every night is impossible in my house. My husband works an odd shift, and soon I will be going to bed alone, as he will be switching to nights. Still, the idea makes sense: Rest together whenever you can.
Sometimes, we wake up in the morning and just lay in bed together. Sometimes, we just sit and chat over coffee in the mornings, when I “should” be doing other things. Just…BE TOGETHER. So important.
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Needed this!! Hubby and I are celebrating our 10-year anniversary today. We returned from a week-long trip away not more than five days ago….and I am already feeling nostalgic about last week while at the same time a sense of panic begins to creep in with regard to the sudden return to the monotony of our life. We have 4 children, and though we love them to pieces, our glorious time apart from them last week highlighted the utter importance to us of doing more “little” things for each other all the time, while also vowing to do better at making us a priority. I will be bookmarking this post as well as sharing it with my husband. Thanks for all you wrote, and for helping me to realize that there is hope and for naming some of the “little” things I can do!
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Even after more than 35 years of marriage to my lovely wife, I still need reminders. Your article is superb!
Excellent post. I do feel that you have to work from both sides – with your prayers and with your husband. We can ask God to help us but we must also ‘help ourselves’ by acting on advice that has been given. I’ve been married for 35 years and we’ve been through nearly except infertility. I know I’m blessed but we still have to work hard to make things work.