I never had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day as a teenager. Or most other days for that matter.

When I saw my friends and frenemies with flowers and balloons, I acted like I didn’t care. But every girl cares a little. And then in the 11th grade, a boy I liked gave me a handmade card. It was a doomed relationship of 6 days, but I might still have that carefully crafted red and pink construction paper card in my attic.

My 13 year old who is just noticing these things asked me the other day, “Momma, did you have a lot of boyfriends before Daddy?”

I smile and I tell her of a crush or two, and of the unrequited love that makes up my romantic history. Until her Daddy. He was the first one who loved me for me.

Back then, I wanted what I didn’t have…attention, affection, admiration from a boy. Now as a momma of daughters, I’m so happy to tell them I waited for real love.

She smiles a goofy grin, the dreamy-kind, “I like that story. I like that you waited for Daddy and he was your first real love.”

I like it too, honey.

Because he was worth every lonely Valentine’s Day.

There’s a lot of unspoken pressure to give and receive today, even as an adult.

I’m not going to turn away flowers or flush chocolate down the sink, but it’s not really about all that.

We all know what our husbands want today, right? I bet many of us would say it starts with S and ends with X.

Close. (It’s actually an easy gift to give and it’s free (hola!) )

But really our men want more than sex. Our husbands are deeper than that. It’s really opportunity they are seeking, it’s the chance to please their wives.

“Women, this might surprise you, but even more than your husband wants to have sex with you for his own sexual relief, the truth is, he wants to please you even more than he wants to be pleasured. It might seem like it’s all about him, but what he really wants, emotionally, is to see how much you enjoy the pleasure he can give you. If he fails to do that, for any reason, he’ll end up feeling inadequate, lonely, and unloved.” -Dr. Kevin Lehman, Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

Knowing that under the layers of desire, there’s the simple fact that he wants the chance to please me is just about the best gift we can give each other.

“And believe it or not, getting enough sex isn’t the point. Nearly all the men surveyed – 97 per cent – said that even if their wives agreed to have sex every time husbands wanted, sex would still be empty if their wives didn’t seem to desire them.

When we say no to sex, we’re usually saying we don’t want sex at that moment. But he hears the much more painful message that we don’t want him. One man said, “When she says no, I feel rejected. ‘No’ is not no to sex; it’s no to me as I am.” By contrast, making the first move once in a while sends a powerful and affirming message to your man.” -Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men

Alrighty, girls. I’ve said enough.

Y’all have a sweet day.

This time last year, I wrote this post. I had no idea it would be so popular (pinned more than 180,000 times) or so controversial (comments, whoa). Bottom line: there are a lot of people who want to make their marriage rock. I started thinking about all the things we do (out of habit, ignorance or selfishness) that make our marriages mediocre. Sometimes we just need to see them in black and white.

1. Stop pursuing each other
2. Discourage your spouse’s dreams
3. Don’t worry about romance
4. Doubt your husband’s word
5. Remind your wife of the past on a regular basis
6. Fight unfair
7. Don’t pray together
8. Skip church
9. Play the blame game
10. Pout often
11. Let a film of dust cover your Bible
12. Don’t show affection in front of your kids
13. Keep secrets
14. Believe that your spouse would never be tempted to look at pornography
15. Compare your husband to your friend’s perfect husband
16. Have sex out of duty
17. Stay up and watch TV while your wife goes to bed
18. Never make time for a date night
19. Overspend
20. Use the silent treatment often
21. Disrespect your husband
22. Criticize your mate on a regular basis
23. Flirt with old friends on Facebook
24. Talk badly about your spouse behind their back
25. Make a mess and never clean it up
26. Focus only on your hobbies
27. Be a name caller
28. Complain about how often he wants to have sex
29. Complain about how often she never wants to have it
30. Fall out of love
31. Don’t ever bring her flowers
32. Never attend counseling
33. Or read a marriage book
34. Look at your smart phone while she is talking to you
35. Only touch when absolutely necessary
36. Pick him apart and make every little thing a big deal
37. Hide your feelings
38. And then resent your spouse for not knowing them
39. Use sarcasm constantly
40. Start an emotional affair
41. Say “It’s not my fault” often
42. Over commit your kids and fall into bed exhausted every night
43. Take a long second (and third) look at your attractive co-worker
44. Make your life all about you
45. Nag
46. Lie about how much you really spent on your shopping trip to the mall
47. Hold onto unforgiveness
48. Don’t apologize
49. Try to change your mate, but never yourself
50. Be defensive
51. Make her feel like she’s not a good mother
52. Withdraw
53. Be immature
54. Ignore what God is asking you to do
55. Doubt your husband’s role as a father
56. Yell
57. Live with unrealistic expectations
58. Get into debt
59. Be a tease
60. Don’t do what you say you will do
61. Read 50 Shades of Gray
62. Let your spouse carry most of the workload
63. Use the words “always” and “never” when you’re disagreeing
64. Don’t call when you’re going to be late
65. Overreact
66. Choose anger
67. Don’t do fun things together
68. Don’t give your spouse attention
69. Put your kids before your marriage
70. Give your children permission when your spouse doesn’t
71. Resent her
72. Ignore him
73. Tell the inlaws all the details of your arguments
74. Don’t communicate as lovers
75. Fantasize about other people
76. Put your job before your family
77. Don’t work on your friendship with your spouse
78. Act like you really don’t like your mate
79. When he compliments you, don’t receive it
80. Do what you’ve always done
81. When your spouse asks you to help out or serve them, say no.
82. Don’t try to make her happy
83. Don’t try anything new together
84. Undermine your spouse
85. Try to fix all her problems
86. Talk all the time and never let him say a word
87. Make listening optional
88. Don’t kiss
89. Threaten divorce
90. Collect unresolved issues
91. Don’t make family dinners a priority
92. Let the TV stay on constantly
93. Keep God out of your day-to-day living
94. Don’t be vulnerable
95. Or share intimacy
96. Forget why you fell in love
97. Be ungrateful
98. Stop loving and believing in yourself
99. Believe that your marriage will never be better than it is right now
100. Give up

What would you add in the comments?