I know.
Click away as fast as you can, right? Nobody wants to read this kind of post.
Heck, I don’t want to write it.
But for years, I’ve been inundated with emails and phone calls, private FB messages from hurting wives. These are our sisters, our friends, women we sit across from at Bible study: Women who need to talk, who need to know they aren’t alone.
And sometimes, we find out those women are us.
There are new emails, fresh wounds, brokenhearted sisters in my inbox, on my phone every single week. I sat down face-to-face with two just last week.
And with the Internet in our back pocket and available all the time, everywhere, it shouldn’t be surprising. Then I read that the latest research tells us that pornography is a problem in more than 40% of Christian homes and I realize this addiction and entrapment is affecting nearly half of everyone I know. Half of the church. Many of my friends.
So, yeah, I don’t want to talk about it anymore than you do, but we can’t pretend it doesn’t affect us or someone we know.
The first thing I tell women in email and in person is I’m not a counselor. I can’t solve your problems, fix your marriage, or offer you life changing advice. But I can listen. I can nod my head, grab your hand, and I can pray. I also want them to know they aren’t alone. Not only have countless other wives walked this hard road, God is right in the middle of our pain.
But there are three more things I want wives who find themselves in this difficult place to know:
- Freedom is between he and God | My world fell apart ten years ago when my husband confessed his struggle with pornography. I was completely unaware of his private battle and when he laid his burden at my feet, he was relieved, but the weight of his confession nearly crushed me. And as if that wasn’t enough, I immediately blamed myself. If only I’d…, Maybe I could have…With some very good counseling, I begin to understand that my husband’s battle had very little to do with me. It was between he and God. I also discovered that we couldn’t repair or rebuild our marriage unless his relationship with God was more important than his one with me. Pray for your husband’s brokenness. Pray that he wants freedom from sin more than he wants anything else. Because you can build an amazing marriage on that foundation.
- Forgiveness is between you and God | I encouraged and supported my husband, but I had my own private hell to endure. My heart was broken. I lived in the middle of forgiving my husband and hating him. Forgiveness isn’t for them; it’s for us. It’s an intentional and voluntary release of fear and hate and heartbreak. It’s a letting go. And no matter what happens in our marriages, forgiveness is between us and God.
- Fight for both as long as you can | I was my husband’s biggest cheerleader for freedom. He was mine for forgiveness. There weren’t any guarantees we would make our way back to each other. We were both on our own broken roads. Some men don’t find freedom. Some women don’t stay. Sometimes it’s the other way around. But whether you flee or follow, forgiveness is something you can’t leave behind.
This is true for almost any “huge” sin in a marriage, including adultery. The problem isn’t in the marriage relationship it is in the individual relationship with God the Father. The wronged spouse’s ability to forgive is also directly related to their relationship with the Lord. And fighting for both can save the marriage. Satan has waged a war on marriage because it is (or should be) the best example of Christ to the world. I hate Satan! Praise be to Jesus for his victory over Satan, sin, and death!
You are absolutely right about the fact that it is not a broken marriage, it is the individual (s) in the marriage who have not a true relationship with TMH.
THANK YOU..ALL PRAISES AND GLORY UNTO OUR CREATOR, AND OUR MAYSHIACH.
Many of you are in LaLa land! Most porn addicts cannot totally stop and they will keep up with the lies’ God does not want us treated this way! The first yr we were married I discovered the porn and an online relationship! Sup he got help! Took me 3 yrs to forgive him for deceiving me! 30 yrs later I discover he has been doing it the whole time! He can be a church goer too with no problem! I’m his 3 rd wife and the other 2 went thru it also!
I find my story it a lot like yours! BUT what do I do when he refuses to own his addiction and pushes it on me making me feel guilty? I’m going crazy here
We didn’t cause it and can’t control it or cure it! I m leaving as soon as I can afford to! A 12 step program I was involved with yrs ago has helped me but very hard to live like this!
1 Thessalonians 4:7-8
7 For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. 8 Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.
It is a rejection of God’s calling and purpose and plan for our lives. It isn’t a rejection of the spouse. The fact that God emphasized this in His word tells me He already knew Satan’s lies and how vulnerable we feel when we feel betrayed.
The page says error when I click the link for resources.
What if your husband is not repentant ? He’s sorry that he got caught but that’s the extent of it. No remorse.
It’s one thing he’s truly sorry and confesses it to his wife that can lead to restoration and healing. But if he dabbles with it and hides it, what can a wife do?
My husband has lust of his eyes and heart. He has no accountability and he hides in this sun. It’s wrecking any chance we have for spiritual oneness ..
I’m broken , hurt and frustrated over his choices .
He blames me at times for his struggles but I can see the real issue is his relationship with God is not most important in his life.
I hear you. We are similar. At times my husband seems repentant and to truly want freedom, but other times it seems he’s really in sin management mode, and just trying to keep it small enough to not get caught. This has been going on for 5 years. It makes me really weary sometimes. I know there are other women going through it, but I don’t really know how to get that support network going in our local church without totally ‘outing’ my husband.
It’s a really difficult place to be. One that often had me asking-“what’s my role here?” “What’s my next move?”
My two cents…if he is repentant he will confess his sin to you AND others to hold him accountable. Your worries of “outing him” are just him holding you hostage in codependency. Exposure to the light is where healing and freedom lies. His restoration must come from walking in the light of truth. His reputation is not as important as your sanity. If he will not seek help and accountability outside of you, then I would seek help for yourself from a counselor or pastor. This is not your burden to bare. Get the help you need to break free from the bondage he’s placed you in.
The help I have received tells me I need to be available to him to meet all his sexual needs. I agree with that provided he’s loving his wife like Christ loved the church. I caught him in the act in our bed, looking at it on his cell phone with his pants down. How much of this do I need to put up with and for how long? He meets with some guys once in a great while but he’s surfacey— he will not admit that staying pure minded is his greatest struggle . He told me it is and I pray for him and other that that he needs no encouragement from me bc he said I’m not his mom. He says it’s not an issue on one hand and on the other he’s telling me it’s his greatest struggle and I cause him to do that. (?) 🙁
I take really good care of myself, spiritually, physically and emotionally. why is he eyeing up woman at church and right in front of me? I’m hurt and this is destroying us . The way he is with lust — it makes me not want to be with him intimately.
It’s an ugly cycle. Until he chooses to flee from this sin it will cheat him and me and sadly his family.
I don’t know what I am supposed to “do? ”
I pray for wisdom on how to love him in the midst of his idols ( sex and money and success) but I am not sure what I should do. Clearly his heart is not repentant nor soft to turn once and for all from it. I do not think he realizes the extent to which this is rooted in him and joe he needs accountability, bc he’s prideful and stubborn.
2 books I recommend.
1. (For you) Every Heart Restored by Fred & Brenda Stoeker
2. (For him) The Game Plan by Joe Dallas
Pray that God will show you how to use tough love in your situation. For some it looks like separation. For some it looks like letting him know he can tell his pastor or you can. And I’m sure there are other options. Repentance doesn’t mean “I’m sorry”. It means changing your mind about something. And in order to change your mind you need to change your surroundings. Whatever has caused the sin, needs to be removed/filtered, whatever. Praying for all of you ladies today.
We have, as a couple gone to a pastor, who did help us for awhile. He and my husband were supposed to meet regularly for the sake of accountability, but the follow through was just really lacking. I have a few close friends, one being a female pastor who are walking with me through it, and have helped me with how to process what my role is here. There are just a lot of mixed messages from the church given to women in this situation. On one hand there is the teaching of grace and forgiveness, on the other hand if you extend that to your spouse over and over you are called an enabler. It really feels like no-man’s land sometimes.
My heart breaks for my husband but at the same time feels anger toward him. I understand how hard it must be for him to risk vulnerability again when he’s done it once before and it seemed to not really get him anywhere. and yet, I feel like he needs to do it.
It’s really something only God can set him free from, but God uses fellow believers to help us break free from bondage. My husband knows all of this, but for whatever reason just hasn’t engaged in really fighting with the help of fellow brothers in Christ.
Please know that this is NOT your fault or your responsibility. You did not cause this and you are not enabling him. My husband has been addicted to porn since before we were married, although I only found out about 4 months ago. He had multiple adulterous relationships, including through Ashley Madison. He asked me to “help” him and personally filter his phone, emails, etc. I had the burden of keeping him accountable. It almost destroyed me. We decided to go to counseling, separate and together. It didn’t stop. He actually continued to lie to me and our counselors. As much as it helped me, it never helped him because he couldn’t be honest. One day, he just left. He moved to Texas to be with someone he met online. He quit his job via text message and never came back. He kicked me out of our house. We were 3 months away from finally adopting our little boy from Hong Kong. (It had been a 3 year process.) He lied, stole money, cheated, emotionally abused me… The list goes on. We’re getting a divorce, simply because he is never repentant (and he lives in another state). We were high school sweethearts, together for twelve years. I am young, physically fit, good cook, submissive, great relationship with God. I am not saying all of this to scare you. I am telling you so you know sometimes we do everything we can and it’s just not enough. Your husband needs a personal relationship with Christ. If he did, he would be repentant and ready to fix his marriage. I’m not saying that he wouldn’t relapse, but he would be taking the steps necessary to break the chains of addiction. My husband was repentant on the surface, but not truly in his heart. He does not have a relationship with Christ and this destroyed our marriage. It was built on lies. Know for certain about your husband’s salvation. Only then, will healing come. Pray, seek a counselor, take care of yourself. It is NOT your fault. Sister, you are beautiful, special, and precious in His sight. Remember that.
Get him to a Christian addiction therapist. If you don’t know where to look start by calling Couple’s Care Center in Baton Rouge LA. They had someone there named Chuck Mayo( I think that’s the last name) so, if he’s no longer there, they can make contact for you. You can always do therapy by Skype!
Thanks so much for sharing 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
The truth, because I’ve lived this, all you can do is pray for him to overcome this addiction. Be honest with him about how it makes you feel. But you are not the Holy Spirit. Your husband will have to feel convicted and want to change. That’s all on him. How much you can take and if you chose to stay are your choices. I’d ask him up go to counseling for just him and for both of you, but again, if he refuses that’s his choice and you’ll have to decide whether to go without him.
My husband took the hard road and lost his job and our whole lives were destroyed over his addiction. We’ve been separated from but we are still together. It’s been 11 years since he hit rock bottom and it’s still a daily struggle for him. Life with an addict isn’t easy but for me, I chose to stay but it is very challenging. You’ll have to decide what you can endure whether or not he chooses to change.
Dana, your completely correct. I was addicted to porn for 30+ years and currently work with men trying to beat Porn.
A man has to want to beat Porn for himself and not anyone else. Beating porn is extremely hard and Ive found that it has to be something he wants for himself. Most men I work with had to loose everything and hit bottom before they seek help for their addiction, often that means loosing their, jobs, family, and marriage.
Ladies, this isn’t about you or anything you did. In almost all cases your husbands were viewing porn even before they met you. Most will use the excuse that if they got more sex, they wouldn’t watch Porn so much, but the two are unrelated much like the drinker that claims to drink because of the stress in their life. Even without the stress, they would still drink. Porn is an addiction no different than drugs or alcohol, and must be treated as such.
So good. Great points to remember for any marriage no matter what they’re going through. Forgiveness has to be the foundation or it won’t last. Fighting even when we don’t feel like it also has to be a key component and unfortunately an issue like porn makes people want to stop fighting. And yes to praying for his freedom. You’re so right. You can’t change the other person. You have to use the freedom God has given you and pray that your spouse will recognize that same freedom which is freely offered to him as well. Thanks for this great post!
This happened to me and after 13 years there was no fixing anymore. It truly can be a silent killer to a marriage. Admire the people who can get through it….and feel for the ones who can’t…either is easy at all.
Oh how I know this. I read this and am instantly trasported back in time. I lived this battle for 9 years in my first marriage. I finally had to leave. There was no repentance and no hope for change. After so many years I finally had to leave for my our well being. I forgave, moved on and trusted God. I pray often for other women who live with this in their marriage. It not only destroys your marriage it literally destroys the mind of the man held in its grip.
I wanted to add some info that may be helpful. As a husband who has struggled with Porn addiction.
1. It is an addiction,both psychological and chemical. The acts that goes with looking at pornography release endorphins that stimulate the same parts of the brain as morphine or cocaine. If your man has admitted a problem he has probably already tried to quit several times on his own. Just the confession is him asking for help. You wouldn’t expect a coke addict to be able to quit cold turkey just by trying to be strong. Help him in any way you can. Filters and monitoring software can help. A Christ centered support group like Celebrate Recovery can also help. On his own it is impossible to quit.” ,but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 18:26b
Thank you for your response. This problem begins as a moral choice, but it truly becomes a brain problem. Our church hosted a Pure Desire seminar and is now showing the Conquer Series DVD set. It explains the brain addiction. We, the church, can’t ignore this issue. We need to truly teach our children the dangers, not just tell them that it’s bad. The statistics are heartbreaking.
The Conquer Series is amazing! Every woman should go through it with their husband. Together my husband and I went through it and gained a wealth of knowledge from this great series. Even though it is mostly about porn, it touches so many other areas in life. I would highly recommend this to everyone!
My husband and I have been married almost 50 years. He has lied to me a lot during those years. He has been addicted to porn for all of this time! I didn’t discover it until our kids were almost grown.
I was devastated. He promised several times that he was over it, but he keeps going back to it. Within the last year or so, his kids found out. I never told them before, because I didn’t want to ruin their relationship with their dad. He claims he no longer desires viewing porn, and that God took it away, but he’s never been broken over it or repented. I won’t leave him, because I take my vows, my commitment before God, seriously. This has resulted in total separation from his kids and grandkids, due to their lack of trust in him around them and their children. He refuses to admit his wrong, and refuses to continue counseling. He is 71, and has health issues. I’m not sure how much is real, and how much is fake. I don’t trust him either. Am I stuck with this for the rest of my life, or can things be changed? He blames all this on an abusive childhood. By the way, he also was a pastor for several years. Now, I am doubting that he’s a Christian!
Can you help me get thru this
I had never really known that pornography was this bad until I became a Christian. This stuff wasn’t a big surprise to me. However, my husband was into it and I never really knew until I caught onto some things that I discovered. I even caught him one time. When I confronted him he made me feel like the one who was wrong. The one thing that gave me strength to stick to my marriage was prayer and I had asked my friends to pray. I let it go because allowing that sin to destroy me was not going to be an option. God helped me to endure it. Does he still look at it? I don’t know. But God does. And I am commanded to love my husband. So I say this, my identity is not in my husband and marriage. It’s in Jesus Christ. If you are struggling and hurtinh, fully rely on Jesus Christ. God can handle it and He can sustain you and provide. Just obey God. Do your part as a wife.
This is about where I’m at. Endurance has become my goal, and I’ve realized how prone I am to put too much of my security in my marriage rather than in Christ
I’ve been married to my hubby for 11 years. Discovered his addiction 1st year in. WE are still fighting. 🙁 He tries…but the devil is good at what he does. And you know what? I’m not strong. So, I put a lot of hellish blame on myself. I’m never pretty enough, small waisted enough, intellectual enough…I think that came from him blaming me in the beginning. He knows now it’s on him and I do, too. But the damage has been done to us both. We are a happy family, three amazing kiddos, he’s a sweet adoring husband and I love him with my whole heart and all…but this is always looming. It’s a demon. PRAYING and bringing God into it is a must. And let me tell you, talking about it never happens in my ‘circle’. None of my friends know …no one wants to talk about that. And when it IS brought up, it is quickly swept away. *sigh, sisters. I wish we could hug each other. I sure could use one, it’s a weary battle. XO Praying with all of you for our husbands and for our selves and our families.
This was a huge issue in our past and I no longer know or care if he still does it. I have tried so hard for so long, I am dead inside. Almost every day, he does or says something that digs deeper. But there are a couple of really good things he does, so many people think he’s such a good man, I try to concentrate on the things he does well. I fear I’m so angry that the Lord can no longer work with me to give me strength.
Get help for yourself. Seek counsel of godly women. Again exposure to the light is where freedom is. That doesn’t mean blabbing your husbands sins all over town, it means seeking help and healing for your own dead soul. Your talking about this with wise counsel will restore you. His lack of accountability should never hold you in bondage. Get help!
Meghanne,
I feel exactly the same way. I spent the first 4 years of our marriage sneaking around and trying to catch him. He refused to put any kind of monitoring software on his phone or computer and in fact got very angry when I suggested it. We started going to counseling at our church but like many women here , he didn’t follow through. Only went two or three times total . Every time I looked, I found something until he got very good at covering it up. He spends hours in the bathroom with a phone, and I’m pretty sure he’s not doing what you go in the bathroom to do. But I hear you, I’m dead inside and I just don’t even care anymore. The way he makes me feel when I confront him on it is worse than actually catching him.
That is a form of narcissistic emotional abuse what he does when you catch him. I, too, get punished, though my husband isn’t an addict, just an unrepentant dabbler.
It has taken years, but I finally have some help for myself. I have a pastor and his wife I can call on and move into their home with my kids should this happen again while the pastor confronts hubby.
Porn users tend to delude and excuse themselves. They need to be confronted as close to when the act happened as possible preferably by a strong man of God. Unfortunately, there are so few men willing to go into that battle.
When a husband is unrepentant, it is good to get support (counseling, SA-Anon) set boundaries, and make sure YOU are healthy and have a game plan (savings, place to go).
I totally understand. Affection is so dead you stop feeling the betrayal.
There is a wonderful resource called “SANON” that literally saved my life. It is for friends and relatives that are affected by another person’s sexual behavior. I learned I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure his acting out behavior. I can focus on myself, learning how to not enable and learning how to treat my husband like the precious child of God he is.
I loved this and have been there. I would just want to add that for many women discovering that her husband has a porn addiction can turn into a bitter time of feeling like her body had something to do with it…that she wasn’t good enough physically. I wrote a similar piece to encourage women that this isn’t the problem…and that nothing she can do to the outside of her body will fix it for her husband. It’s, like you said in point one, about him. Freedom is his to chase and find. Thanks for confronting this issue boldly. Women need to hear it! http://comparedtowho.me/2015/09/15/what-to-do-if-he-battles-lust/
My husband and I have a similar story of him getting out of the grip of addiction to pornography. He admitted to me over 10 years ago, and through therapy we worked through that and now have a very string marriage. God then led my husband into starting a ministry to help other men break free from pornography and sexual sins. He leads groups both in person and on-line. Please check out his website. He and I would love to help! http://www.changinglanesministries.com
I’m sorry, if my wife had sex with me when I needed it, I would have no need to look at porn. Once a week does not cut it.
Hmmm… Maybe, just maybe, you should invest in your wife’s needs. Romance her. Love her like Christ loves the church. You might be pleasantly surprised at the changes within your marriage. Porn is never the solution to achieving a healthy relationship. Never.
Sex is not a need. No one has ever died from lack of sex.
I can understand that it would be easier for you to fight poem if your wife understood male sexuality. But Countless women have sex with their husbands whenever he wants and they are still addicted to porn. Porn is an addiction. I encourage you to read the science behind it at fightthenewdrug.org. Men don’t view porn bc their wives don’t give them sex. Men view porn bc it makes them feel more manly or powerful or bc it gives them a chemical high and so on. Gotta dig in your own heart and get to the root of the issue.
Twice a week doesn’t cut it, nor three times a week. It is never enough.
Truth is, what sex is to a man, intimate conversation is to a woman. When she feels emotionally intimate with her husband–safe, cherished, heard–it is natural for the physical opening to follow.
I have been the “good wife”, giving physical intimacy with a smile for 27 years. (Okay, lately I have gotten tired of the lie.) Still waiting for what I really want–a close friend.
Those of us who have children, we can begin teaching them about this issue. There is a book that has been highly recommended: Good Pictures, Bad Pictures by Kristen A. Jenson. See what you think.
Many of the links you have under amazing resources don’t work or go to sites that don’t have to do w with the topic. I checked several that said sex addict or sex addiction but they don’t work. I try to be available whenever my husband needs sex but it has become 2 to 3 times a day and we have 2 girls 8 and 11 and it really getting in the way. I don’t know if I can keep going this way any more.
Honey, you are not a blow up doll. That is ridiculous.
Amazingly, there are also support groups out there – for both spouses. As someone involved with Celebrate Recovery for over 5 years, I’m actually surprised by the “40 percent.” I went to a Christian University, and that school’s stats were much higher.
With the rising rate of pornography freely available to the public, it also means the next generation will be facing this uphill battle even more than we are now. At this point, it’s not “if” our children will be exposed to pornography, but “when.”
I commend you from writing about your own experience. May we more open to discussing this silent killer of families.
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
-James 5:16
I just don’t even know where to begin… He’s repented to God & me. Has “relapsed” once several months back, confessed, & asked for forgiveness (God & me). He says his focus is finally on God & the relationship is finally where it’s supposed to be. I’m dying inside though… The relapse has just sent me over the edge. I don’t want to harbor bad thoughts/feelings, but like many of you just feel dead inside. I don’t even feel like I can pray at this point. I’m not angry with God, but don’t feel He is “there” when I talk. We live far from family, we don’t have friends where we are, neither of us is thrilled with the church we attend, & we have 4 pretty small children. Most days I just want to leave. I’m sorry to ramble, but I have no one to say these things to at this point. I don’t want to beat him up.
I found this from themarriagebed.com fb page. Their website has a forum that really helped save my marriage. A place where you can talk about these kinds of things and get Godly wisdom and encouragement. Just wanted to share another resource.
This was the end of my marriage. My husband slowly started to treat me worse and worse and became sexually abusive. I tried to talk to him but he dismissed me. When I discovered the porn, after 10 years of marriage, I felt relief that I wasn’t crazy! Something was going on. He was unrepentant. He refused counselling. church, a vacation. He was 100% unwilling to save our marriage. H blamed me, saying he needed more sex, but so did I! I asked for help in the evenings, 20 minutes of clean up or story time with the kids, a few minutes of conversation with me. He refused, then treated me like his personal sex servant. I wanted to have sex with my husband, who wanted me. But he became angry that I wasn’t following the script of a movie I had never seen. I could have been any woman. My sexual needs were not important him.
Now I am married to a man I trust completely. He knows how my soul was crushed by pron, and I know he respects me as a person, and won’t use porn. My ex husband is still immature and selfish, but at least he loves our kids.
Anyone who says porn is okay, is justifying their own unhealthy behavior. It destroys lives, destroys marriages, hurts children.
We’ve been physically separated in the home for three years and he’s NOT repentant. He even found a way around the PB software so I’m done.
I told him today he has thirty days to leave.
I can’t heal with him in the home and he doesn’t even take Celebrate Recovery seriously. I writes in the books when he gets there. Now he’s always busy when he comes home. He’s become even a worse workaholic.
My oldest hated living here and she left for FL when she was nineteen b/c we or I had to kick her out for refusing to get help for her eating disorder and her drug/alki abuse.
I just don’t think my marriage is going to make it. I’m mad at God too. This hell is physically, emotionally and spiritually killing me.
Get him to a Christian addiction therapist. If you don’t know where to look start by calling Couple’s Care Center in Baton Rouge LA. They had someone there named Chuck Mayo( I think that’s the last name) so, if he’s no longer there, they can make contact for you. You can always do therapy by Skype!