“I want it.”
Why?
Because everyone else has it.”
(Or does it. Or wears it.)
It’s a conversation we’ve had countless times in our house. It doesn’t matter what it’s about–the newest technology, the latest fad, the most popular shoes- it’s treacherous ground to add it to our want list so we can be like everyone else.
These five dangerous words are turning homes upside down. When we give our children everything they want (because everyone else has it), it speeds up their childhood: We have six year olds addicted to technology, carrying around their own ipods and iphones without limitations; eleven year old sons playing bloody battles of Assassin’s Creed over the Internet with strangers instead of playing ball outside; And 13 year old daughters shopping at Victoria’s Secret, wearing angel wings across their bums, looking far older than they are.
But worse than losing a generation of children, this choice breeds a nasty virus. Because maybe if we keep giving them everything they want, they might just drive a new car intoxicated and kill four people and be diagnosed with affluenza.
The psychologist testifying for the 16 year old boy who did just that, defined affluenza as this: children who have a sense of entitlement, are irresponsible, and make excuses for poor behavior because parents have not set proper boundaries.
And when you write a little post about the warning signs of entitlement and it’s shared nearly 800,000 times, perhaps we’re all a little scared of our kids catching the same bug.
“I am an RN working on a psych unit, and I see everyday the effects of entitlement. I see adults in their 20′s and 30′s who always had everything they ever wanted given to them while growing up, and now they just don’t get it. They are unemployed, either living with parents or with one friend or relative after another, or on the street. Having been given everything they ever wanted without working for it while growing up, they don’t feel that they should work for anything now. They were raised to think they could do no wrong, but instead of growing up to have high self-esteem, they have grown up unable to function. They cannot take disappointment of any kind. So we have a generation of kids that don’t want to work and can’t function as adults. Because they have no coping skills of any kind to deal with life, they become depressed and often turn to drugs and/or alcohol to feel better. Then, they end up on our unit, depressed, suicidal, and addicted,” a comment on this post.
Why are we saying yes to our children too early, too soon and pulling in the boundaries? I’m not sure, but I think it starts here:
- We don’t understand the future implications of giving them everything they want right now
- We want them to have the life we didn’t
- We are afraid to tell our children no because we know there will be backlash or because we think they will feel loved if we say yes.
- We want them to fit in with their peers because it’s hard to be different.
- We feel it’s often easier just to give in
- We struggle with a bit of affluenza ourselves
This excellent article shares the symptoms of this nasty virus:
To conquer the affluenza virus, though, one must first recognize it within himself and ask why and from where it comes. Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you frequently buy things you do not really need?
When shopping, are you unable to control how much you spend?
Do you envy the lifestyles of the rich and famous?
Do you feel bad when your neighbors have things you do not?
Do you measure yourself by what others have?
Do you ever use shopping as a means of escape?
Do you use your possessions to impress others?
Do you compare your possessions with what your peers have? If so, do you experience a feeling of superiority that yours are better?
Do you speak often about the things you want?
Do you find yourself complaining about the things you want but cannot afford?
Do you think of spending your money more often than saving it?
Do you often think your life would be more complete if you had more money and possessions?
“Jesus, speaking to the people, he went on, “Take care! Protect yourself against the least bit of greed. Life is not defined by what you have, even when you have a lot.” Luke 12:15
So what’s the cure?
Maybe it starts with the little word no. We aren’t going to buy, get, do that just because others are. It’s okay to want things, but there’s a big difference in getting something because you love it and getting it because you want to be loved.
Maybe it starts with deciding why you do what you do. Don’t let the culture lead your family. Because it certainly will. I heard this week the most popular word among teens in 2013 was twerking. Do we really want society guiding our children?
Maybe it starts with reality–no, not everyone has, does, gets ____ (fill in the blank). We’ve discovered other people who don’t have ____(fill in the blank), but we’ve had to look for them and pray them into our lives. The world will tell you (and your kids) you’re completely alone. But that’s a lie. There are other families swimming upstream against our society and affluenza.
Maybe it starts with a dab of old fashioned failure (I love what this teacher said below).
“Some parents don’t wish their kids to fail. I admit I want my children to. I want them to fail, so they can learn how to get back up. I want them to not get every gift they want on their Christmas list, so they can appreciate what they have and work for what they don’t. Lastly I hope all of them get at least one or two teachers they hate. That way they will learn that in the real world, they will have to work with people (and bosses) they may not like,” a teacher who left a comment on this post.
Maybe it starts with exposing them to how the majority of the world lives. Affluenza is a first world problem. Hunger is a real world problem. Give them an opportunity to serve others.
Hebrews 13:5 “Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I really don’t think our kids want the latest technology or the hottest name brand as much as they want something else. Oh, they think they do. And they will beg and plead (and drive us crazy) for it. But deep down, they are hungry for something deeper that satisfies and lasts a lot longer than just stuff. Giving them firm boundaries, love and perspective is exactly what we can offer them.
I I have a daughter that is pregnant who is has decided that she does not want to see the father anymore and she has wanting to see someone else that she meant through her job she has not even seen her OBGYN for the first appointment this is affecting my home life with my husband and I’m
wondering if possibly she needs to see a counselor she is causing a lot of problems and I do not know what to do can you please help me
Hi Judith,
I think this situation is the kind that if you tell her what she must do then she will probably do the exact opposite, speaking from experience. I would tell her that nomatter what happens you just want her to be truly happy and thats all you want for her. Tell her you will support her with whatever decision she makes & that you love her. This then puts the ball firmly back in her court & suddenly the decision is hers and she will think very carefully about what is actually best for her & the baby. If she thinks people are telling her what to do she will react by doing the opposite.
It will work out in the end, trust your daughter & show her love as normal.
X
Be a parent and wake her up with a reality check. Stop letting her be a problem and SHOW her, she is infact, the problem. She is not mature enough to make these decisions. She is not mature enough to be a mother. If you, her mother, have to step in and take the baby from her to wake her up, then do it. Take action.
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i have seen the t.v. program that shows people 600 lbs I cant help but blame the parent or parents What a waste of money and of human dignity to allow a child to eat ENOUGH to gain that, True love for a child does not lead to allowing fat to accumulate to obesity,, And so I believe social services need to step in when a child becomes obese. to help the parent and the child.. Who is paying for all the food the foodaholic is eating? I am not a very understanding person. It might be tied in with the fact that people do not take the teaching of the writers of the Holy Bible to heart..We have free will but people need to pay for the consequences of their own poor choices. I am thankful for all the good samaritans that give so that uneducated parents and children can have a second chance to do it right.
I second that emotiom
Be a parent and wake her up with a reality check. Stop letting her be a problem and SHOW her, she is infact, the problem. She is not mature enough to make these decisions. She is not mature enough to be a mother. If you, her mother, have to step in and take the baby from her to wake her up, then do it. Take action.
This seems a little misguided. The kids I know who’s parents didn’t give them what they wanted were the ones that I saw with impulsive spending habits. Like their parents were trying to punitively give. The parents thought they were withholding something material, but they also withheld affection, quality time with their kids, and their kids sense of reward. The men I dated that lived with their parents and families the longest all had unyeilding mothers who enjoyed saying no for no reason. I’m a yes person and a dog mom. Brixton usually gets his way with walks, cuddles, and treats. Yes, he does still live at home, but that’s only because dog college is too far for my tender heart. Saying No to him makes me guilty and he’s amazing and deserves all the walks and treats and cuddles my time will allow.
I realize how old your comment is but dogs and human children are two different worlds.
I agree. I didn’t get much as a child as we were very poor, and now I’m a compulsive spender. I also spend way too much on the grandkids, and I need to cut back on that.
Instead of buying them stuff,
Spend time with them.
Time is sooo much more valuable than money.
I didn’t grow up with a lot, but we had enough, but time with my Mom was the best part of growing up. I’m so thankful she took us to church.
One of my Grandma’s , barely saw us. She would buy us stuff, which was nice, but didn’t invest in time with us. As an adult, I realized she tried to just buy our love.
Time is more valuable than money.
You are not a Mom. But a pet owner.
Not the same thing.
I have three adult children, my oldest, is finally getting his life together, praise God. My youngest is growing steadily. its my Daughter and her husband that I am worried about. He is an only child. his first wife was killed in a car accident two years before he met my daughter. their two sons were in the car but were unhurt. they were like 5 and 3 I think when it happened.. my daughter brought two children from a previous marriage into the family. and a couple years later they had two together. The problem is that from day one… His oldest boy has been given everything he asked for and more… he cannot lie he cannot be blamed for anything. they used the excuse of having lost his mother… but over the years it has only gotten worse. my son-in-laws parents live across the street from them and spoil the kids to great extents. as grandparents of these kids (who are not our only grandchildren) we are told that if we do something for one, all of them need the same thing. if we take one somewhere we have to make arrangements to take each one somewhere. if we buy a bike for one, we have to buy a bike for them all. we took our youngest son and his wife and two children to a water park and my son-in-law got mad because we didn’t take one of his kids. How do we combat this? We have 16 grandkids and we can’t afford to go through our retirement by giving him his wishes of entitlement. please, please help…. I am very angry.
tell him to get a second job and pay one of your light bills since life is so very hard for his first born .. he is lucky to have someone to love him my ex baby daddy tried to molest my daughter and put me in ICU with a cracked Skull and a BLEADING BRAIN in 2015…my child is an only child I stay single and we are hardworking at work and school and we are happy just being us
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I would like to show thanks to you just for bailing me out of this this particular trouble. As a result of checking through the net and meeting techniques that was not productive, I released my life was done.
I have seen this happen with how my sister has raised her kids. They have always gotten everything they wanted, i.e. toys, ballet lessons, piano lessons, gymnastics lessons, swimming lessons, summer camps, and any time they want something they ask my parents for more money. They are now all in their 20’s and none of them have ever had jobs. They have never had to work for or earn anything. Other people just give them money to travel around the world, go to college, and shop. They are self-centered and entitled. By the time I was 16 I was working and I put myself through college so I really get angry when I see this spoiled and lazy behavior.
I myself am going through something similar, So I am staying with my baby’s fathers mom and step-dad, well for the last 3 or 4 weeks now his mother has brought home a “present” for my daughter!! She has guardianship right now,, LONG STORY!, but she lied to me when i went into rehab a year ago, she told me what I was signing, (well what I agreed to sign) was, “temporary custody” and it will fizzle out in 90 days, So I dont know what to do about this right now!! I know what Im doing for the long haul, have an attorney right now and patiently waiting for Christmas to be over to end the guardianship. HELPPP!! she is a 72 year old, RN, you think she would know better!! she has 2 kids that are spoiled rotten, self-absorbed, narcissist, selfish and have no empathy!! I have said something a few times and she tells me that its fine!!!
Hi there
Please help! I was recently engaged and moved into our new home with my fiance and his 10 year old daughter. Before moving in together, they slept together since she didn’t have her own room. So now that we live together. She wants her dad to sleep with her in her room. So he doesn’t come back to our room until about 2 or 3a. I’m not selfish I totally understand that she loves her dad and needs his security and my fiancé is a good dad for always be there for her. But how bout me? He’s my fiancé and I sleep alone. He doesn’t have boundaries with her and it’s putting a strain in our relationship. Thoughts ?
I know this is old, but my take is he shouldn’t sleep with you until marriage.
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