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You are here: Home / Archives for Parenting

Parenting

Uninvovled Parenting: How Not To Be an Uninvolved Parent

February 15, 2022 by Kristen

I’ve discovered the secret to raising, happy, grateful and successful kids..

Lean in and I’ll tell you…It doesn’t exist.

Every home and every kid is different. That’s one of the things that makes family life so amazing and challenging–we are all unique! There are no two famlies exactly alike. What works for one, might not work for the other. We are all doing the best we can.

But I’m all ears when I hear what works for someone else because you never know–it might work for my family too. The beauty of not being an indifferent parent is we can learn from each other’s mistakes and successes.

A serious risk in our culture is falling prey to becoming an uninvolved parent. Culture will be more than happy to raise our kids if we let it. Between the ever-present damage of a constant social media presence with its unattainable filtered perfection and the danger of giving into  passive parenting because standing firm consistently, the risk of negligent parenting is a real enemy.

Uninvolved Parenting: 6 Ways Not to Be an Uninvolved Parent

Uninvovled Parenting

1. Make Home The Safest Place

“I hope you don’t act this way at school!” Raise your hand if you’ve said it. I have. I used to wonder why my kids would get glowing reports at school, church, and extracurricular activities, and then come home and act like little devils. An older mom once cleared it up for me. “Kristen, isn’t this what you want? You teach them how to act and treat others, and they are doing it where it’s most important. They conform to society’s rules of no touching or talking in the hallway, and when they get home, they just need to let it all out. They feel safe at home—that’s why you see them at their worst.” Well, let me tell you, that was good news for this mom. That’s not to say from that moment on, it was a free-for-all at home. We kept the same structure and rules as we always had, but it helped me understand the difference in the two environments.

I want my home to be a safe place. I want it to be the place they bring their friends and hang out. I want my kids to feel secure enough to confess their struggles and sin and share their successes.

2. Choose Relationship over Rules

My nature is to be a rule follower. Although we’re trying to raise our kids in a grace-filled home, sometimes old habits die hard. It took me a long time to see that rule-following doesn’t always reflect a heart for doing what’s right. When we choose grace over legalism, we are really choosing relationship over rules.

That’s not to say we shouldn’t have rules. I have a long list. But there must be flexibility, too. There will be times when we have to lay aside our rules to save the relationship. For example, early on I made the rule that everyone had to eat everything on their dinner plates every night or else face consequences. I tried to enforce it, but one of my kids has struggled for years with sensory reactions to certain food textures that makes doing what I’ve asked a consistent battle. So instead, I avoid the couple of foods that trigger this kid’s issues and, as a rule, I ask the sensitive eater to try whatever is served because “you just might like it.” And if this kid doesn’t, there is always peanut butter and bread available; I’m not fixing two dinners. (Some of you die-hard “sit there until your dinner is gone, and if you don’t eat it, you’re having it for breakfast” people are cringing right now, I’m sure.) But we’ve found something that works for us, because my way was actually making dinner a nightmare for our family, and it was hurting my relationship with my child.

When our kids push against us, our first reaction is to push back. But many times when they are struggling, they don’t need more discipline—they need more love.

3. Choose to Live in Community

We intentionally spend time with people who want the same results we do. That doesn’t mean it’s perfect or even tidy, but when we let people into our lives and become vulnerable, they are going to see our mess. They will know we don’t have it all together; they will see that we are just like them. We learn better together. Helping our kids connect with believers their age has always been a very high priority for our family. This commitment has been lifesaving in many ways because it has given them positive peer influence in every season.

A few months ago, I sat in a room with other non-profit leaders and we all had cardboard signs in our hands with the words “Me, too” printed across them. Every time someone would share something private and personal–a struggle or a strain, if we identified, we would silently hold up our signs.

And say, “Me, too.” It was a powerful movement of encouragement. We cried and complained and there was compassion.

Every mother has nearly lost a child, looked away for a second, or made a mistake on their watch. My first time was when my firstborn toddled out the sliding patio door in the kitchen while I turned around to switch on the oven for dinner. I didn’t realize she was in the doghouse in the backyard until I’d frantically searched and screamed through the house for her for several minutes.

Parents don’t need guilt or shame heaped on their heads. We have plenty of it already. What we need is to know we aren’t alone. Community reminds us of this truth. Parenting alone leads to uninvolved parenting.

4. Pray for Your Children

Nothing we do or say can ever substitute for bowing our heads and praying for our children. There have been some really hard days in this journey when I’ve gone to bed burdened for one of my kids and slept fitfully, only to face another conflict the next morning. I have wanted to give up many times. And I have found comfort and peace in only one place—on my knees. There is something deeply spiritual and healing about humbling our bodies and our pride and laying the burden at Jesus’ feet.

Prayer is often the last thing we think of when it comes to difficult parenting days. We reserve it for our desperate moments, when there’s an unexpected diagnosis or rebellion. But God wants to walk this path with us. As a mom, nothing makes me feel less alone or more encouraged than giving my parenting burdens to the One who parents me.

5. Stay Connected in a Detached Parenting World

Most parents don’t prepare for adolescence in any way. This is a core problem.  When you ask parents of preteens how many of them would like their children to have the same experience they had in adolescence, there aren’t many hands that go up.  But those same parents often become increasingly detached as their children move into the adolescent years. It’s critical that as our kids mature, parents do too in their involvement. The older kids get, the more they need their parents.

6. Refuse to Overlook the Moments Right Under Your Nose

In “For Better or For Kids” by Patrick and Ruth Schwenk Life share about life with kids in the house and how fast it becomes. “During this season the busy, hurried life is our new normal. The blessings of a life with balance, rest, and rhythm are a distant memory. With so many demands on our time, it is easy for us to lose sight of our purpose as a family and the love we share as a couple.

When life is moving fast, it’s easy to focus on the time we don’t have.

But when we focus on what we don’t have, we can overlook the moments that are right under our nose.

We are learning to make the most of those bits of time we have alone. Just recently, our kids were playing at a friend’s house. We knew we had about an hour to ourselves. It was tempting to use that precious time to catch up on email, clean, or tackle some of the other things that needed doing.

Instead, we went for a walk. A nice, quiet walk together.

Sometimes redeeming the time we have means sneaking out for a lunch date, enjoying coffee together in the morning, running to the grocery store together, or conversing over a cup of tea at night.

These brief moments are really rather ordinary, but they become significant moments when we share them together.

Time does not come to us wrapped in a nice, neat package. Our gifts of time for each other are not always flashy or romantic. Time often shows up unannounced, in scattered moments. So we do our best to take advantage of the little moments God gives us to cultivate and nurture our marriage. We may not have much when it comes to time together, but how we use what we have matters a lot.”

Neglectful parenting isn’t usually intentional. It can happen when we get too busy, distracted, sidetracked. Living in the moment, loving well, carving out time for memories and moments–these are the ways we stay involved in our kids’ lives.

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Everything You Need to Know about Gentle Parenting

February 3, 2022 by Kristen

Everything You Need to Know About Gentle Parenting

In my first few years of adjusting to motherhood, I made a lot of mistakes (and I’m not referring to buying a “colic machine” that vibrated my crying baby’s crib. Scam. I got a refund). I worried a lot and second-guessed myself. Why is she crying? Is she hungry? Why won’t she sleep? I struggled with trying to control this new little human. Some days I spent hours trying to get my baby to sleep and other days I would go to great lengths to wake my sleeping baby so I could feed her. My ... Read More

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30 Bible Verses About Parenting That Change Everything

February 3, 2022 by Kristen

30 Bible Verses About Parenting That Change Everything

This is so hard, I thought as I shut our bedroom door and my husband pulled me close. I tried not to cry. We had just had a parenting night from hell. If you're a parent, you might just know what I'm talking about. There was yelling and tears, hard conversations, hurt feelings, consequences and the symphony of slammed doors. In less than half an hour and three conversations, we had made three kids angry and unhappy because we are just that good. Parenting is not for wimps. If it ... Read More

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Top 19 Recommended Christian Parenting Books That Help You Raise Disciples

January 16, 2022 by Kristen

Top 19 Recommended Christian Parenting Books That Help You Raise Disciples

Parenting makes me think of the weather. It’s constantly changing, it comes in extremes and I never feel prepared for the newest season. I’m in the phase of launching a couple of my young adult children out of the nest. Some days feel like a tornado of change. Parenting books aren’t just for new parents. Every season brings change, challenges and a chance to grow. Here are my top 19 recommended Christian parenting books (in random order) from cradle to college: 19 of the Best Christian ... Read More

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4 Bad Parenting Signs (And How to Change for Good)

January 16, 2022 by Kristen

4 Bad Parenting Signs

B doesn't happen until A does. It's advice I read in this dog-eared parenting book that I've kept next to my bed for years. Last week A was "Do your chores." B was "Hey, Mom, can I go to my friend's party?" Ah, a parenting equation. It was simple. But it was hard. Because really, it wasn't about A, B or C; it was a battle of wills. Most parenting moments like these are about control. But I learned a long time ago, it's better to give our strong-willed kids the power of choice. I'm ... Read More

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Responsible Parentin­­­g: 10 Ways to Give Kids What They Need

January 16, 2022 by Kristen

Responsible Parenting - 10 Ways to Give Kids What They Need

It’s normal to feel anxiety as a parent and wonder if you are giving your kids what they need as responsible parents. Recently, I sat down with a group of moms and we talked, laughed, and caught up on each other’s lives. We also whined about laundry and tiresome dinner routines and the challenging ways of parenting. One mom shared what a typical day serving her family looked like:  Preparing breakfast every morning, packing healthy lunches, cleaning up her kids rooms, folding laundry and ... Read More

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What Is Child Rearing? 11 Practices for Raising Great Kids

January 16, 2022 by Kristen

What Is Child Rearing

Children understand the assignment… parents don’t always know how to complete it! Child-rearing is the practice of raising kids and providing for their needs. But in this day and age, with so many challenges, how do we raise great kids? Raising anything is hard, but bringing up small humans is the ultimate challenge. I’m a fairly new gardener, trying to raise baby plants, but between bouts of bad weather and bugs, I worry over my small seedlings like a new mother. Worry is a weed in ... Read More

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Eight Things Our Kids Don’t Need This Summer

May 20, 2019 by Kristen

It's nearly the end of May and I already feel it--the pressure to make summer magical. And I don't know about you, but I'm just trying to get to summer. Lunch boxes are missing, backpacks are nasty. We are limping to the finish line, people. We were like the little engine who could and now we. just. can't. Anyone else? My inbox is bulging with camp invitations and appealing summer fun. And my kids have started asking, "What are we doing this summer?" I have no idea. I don’t ... Read More

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