“I asked my friend if she would fold me a fortune teller out of paper like she did for the other girls,” my daughter told me after school.
“But she said she only makes them for her prettiest friends,” she said and her lip quivered.
That girl is not your friend, I whispered in her ear.
It’s my second time to have a second grade daughter and this isn’t our first rodeo with mean girls. But that doesn’t make it any easier.
I hugged my little girl and reminded her that not only was she beautiful on the outside, she was on the inside, too–where it really mattered.
“What did you say to her?” I asked, trying not to show my anger.
Nothing. She said. I turned away from her.
Sometimes the best thing to say to a mean girl is just that–Nothing. It speaks volumes.
Like most 7 year old girls, mine is obsessed with cheerleading, much to her older (band member) siblings dismay. “This will pass, right mom?”
She’s never been a cheerleader, never really performed a cheer, but that doesn’t stop her from joining the other second grade girls from cheering for the boys playing football at recess. We are the Texas stereotype down here. The struggle is real.
My daughter explains one of the girls who is a “real live cheerleader for her brother’s team” has put herself in charge. So naturally, she tells everyone what to do, where to stand, what to say. She’s the “Cheer Coach of the Second Grade” if you will.
On the playground, after this had been going on for a few days, a new girl wanted to join the “squad.” But the Coach wouldn’t let her “because she didn’t like the dress” the new girl was wearing.
It was at this point in the retelling of the story, I stopped my daughter, “What did you say about that?”
“Well, Mom, I felt bad for the new girl. She’s really nice and I liked her dress,” my daughter said. “And it made me sad when she sent her away.”
She finished her story, but I could tell we weren’t done.
Because sometimes the best thing we can say to a mean girl is stop.
“Honey, you know that yucky feeling you had when your “friend” said you weren’t pretty? It’s the exact same way the new girl felt when she was excluded. Here’s the thing about girls who are mean-they change the rules. What happens if you wear red tomorrow and she decides everyone wearing red can’t cheer? I think if you stand up for your new friend, you both might feel better.”
And I could tell by the look on her face, she was thinking hard about this. I knew she understand standing up for someone being targeted, might make you the target.
After school the next day over a snack, she said very nonchalantly, “Mom, it worked. The girl in charge changed her mind and now everyone gets to cheer.”
Moms, here’s where we get to teach our daughters and speak into their lives that we are sisters. We protect each other. We support one another. We turn away from the mean girls by saying nothing. And sometimes we tell them to stop making up their own rules because we won’t follow them. Because when we go along with something wrong, we aren’t helping. We can encourage our daughters to stand up for each other.
It didn’t take more than two weeks of school for my daughter to encounter her first mean girl. It happens. And maybe that little girl wasn’t even trying to be mean, but she was asserting control over others. You know what’s crazy? We’ve all seen it in grown up women and it’s just as ugly.
We can live by the same rules. The next time a friend talks badly about another or excludes someone, we can do the same thing we want our girls to do.
What an appropriate post…thank you. I prayed for this post the other night as we are experiencing the same situation with our first grader.
I’m dealing with mean girls in 6th grade. My daughter had chosen to walk away then talk to me. Courage is hard but so necessary.
Your posts are always like a beacon of common sense and hope for me. Love it.
My children are still in daycare, but I’m dreading these kinds of conversations. I’m sure my anger will overtake me and I’ll have rash, harsh things to say that aren’t helpful, instructive, or edifying. I hope I can learn more from your example here – have the conversations. Let them talk. Ask questions. Follow up.
This started for my daughter not at school, but at her daycare. She was barely 6 years old when a 7 year old girl told her she couldn’t play because she is “fat”. Yes. 6 and 7 year olds. And she is still dealing with the same mean girl. This post has given me ideas to help her deal with it though! 🙂
I seriously could have written your comment! All of it- I have two girls in preschool and can totally see myself jumping to anger, which is also not the most helpful response.
One of the best decisions we made as a family a few years back, was to pull our kids from public schools and homeschool them. No, we may not be able to protect our children from ugliness such as this all the time, but any amount that I can protect them, I will. And homeschooling them is a good way to keep them from the cesspool. I was in public schools, and its not a place I want my children exposed to anymore. This blog post is very well written.
http://getalonghome.com/2013/12/public-school-and-naive-kids/
Hearing how your daughter was treated in only the 2nd grade, breaks my heart.. and sadly it will only get worse the higher she gets in grades. Just wait until she hits middle school. 🙁
Huh, I’m a little offended by your remark suggesting public school attending children are in, what you consider, the cesspool. Really? Because I have taught Sunday school kids from public, home and private schools and you cannot always tell by their actions where they are getting their education. Character building starts with the parents – not where a child goes to school.
Agreed. I have been around kids from all types of backgrounds and their actions are based on how they are raised and what they are taught. It’s great that you can be such a big part of their lives, but when they get older – they will still have to learn the lessons that the post is talking about. The only difference is that those adults who have been exposed to it as kids will already know how to successfully deal with the issues.
Depends on what you think is “successful” for dealing with these situations. Having a strong sense of self-worth, self-awareness and kindness is what will help children in difficult situations. Exposing children to cruelty at an early age doesn’t mean they will necessarily develop the proper tools for handling it. Why are you offended by someone else’s experience to public school? It’s their experience.
Fine….but “cesspool”? Seems a bit of a broad statement…it sounds “mean”.
THANK YOU! Exactly!! 🙂
My thank you message was for Marge. 🙂
Amen!
what Jane said.
This is my 17th year of coaching Cross Country (grades 7-12) in a public school. I’ve witnessed some exceptionally thoughtful kids supporting younger team members who have been the brunt of a cruel act in school….a junior boy taking an 8th grader aside because he heard what happened, and giving wise counsel. I’ve seen this repeatedly. A closer bond grows. Once, the mean act came from one on “our team” toward a team member. It was serious. We gathered the entire team together. Near the end of the meeting, the captains were given a chance to speak. The last to comment was a quiet varsity captain who said, “There’s a difference between having fun and being a jerk.” All went quiet. Heads bobbed in agreement. Fifty-some kids got a powerful message from their older peer that they’ll never…ever forget.
Agree; my girl gets it from a mean girl I n the same Girl Scout group, with her Grandmother right there!
My daughter goes to a very exclusive private all girls school. It’s a cesspool of mean girls – mean girls are everywhere. This article was just what I needed.
I was homeschooled. I wasn’t protected from mean girls completely (I found the homeschool community to have plenty!), but probably didn’t deal with it as much, say, if I’d gone to school. After I left home, I was in the real world and mean was everywhere, and yes, I didn’t know how to walk through it or deal with it very well. My parents had a good heart to protect me from what they had experienced in public school – homeschool isn’t always the answer. It didn’t work, it just postponed it for me, and left me unsure of what to do as an adult. I agree with these others, it’s not the schooling choice, it’s the parental guidance no matter where you put your kids. Journeying through life’s difficulties with them, discipling them as they navigate through the tough stuff.
Love this article. I walk through it with my 5th grade girl often. Lots of good heart to heart talks. Learning when to stay silent and when to speak up, something we all need to learn no matter what age, or what kind of schooling.
I was bullied beginning 3rd grade and it never really stopped until I moved my junior year if high school.
This is the primary reason my children will be homeschooled. I don’t want to lose that flame of who they are because of a bully. Schools aren’t better 15+ years later. I’d hate to see what would happen to my sensitive son.
Thanks for the link on naive homeschoolers. It was a great article!
You are welcome!
Jana, cesspool? Kind of harsh words for someone so concerned about mean kids. Be careful with the messages you are sending to your children. There are a lot of good kids in that cesspool; mine for an example.
Cesspool meaning the environment in which they are in. I am sorry if the word was offensive, but its how I feel. I remember as a young girl going to a school where I was bullied DAILY just because of the color of my skin. And guess what? I’m white. Where if you were a virgin when you were 14 you were considered a dork and an outcast. If my clothes weren’t the latest and greatest, picked on. Where sex education consisted of the teacher putting a condom on a banana to show how its done. {At the age of 13} Where drugs in the bathrooms, sex under the bleachers, and anywhere else they could was a daily occurrence. And this was NOT one school I attended. I went to over 10 different schools as a kid. I’m sorry, but if NOT exposing my kids to that and much worse in today’s public schools makes me “wrong” then I don’t want to be right. My husband works in the largest public school district here and even he says there is NO WAY we will ever put our kids back in the public school system. If it works out for family and you are ok with it, then that is great.
One of the brattiest meanest kids I’ve ever encountered was a homeschooled kid from a very Christian family!
I’m a mom with three daughters and I needed to read this today, not because of what’s going on in their lives but for what is going on in mine. Because I’m 42 years old and mean girls still exist. And as adult women we should be able to handle that fact but, for me anyway, rejection is still rejection. Raising children can be isolating when our focus is less on ourselves and cultivating friendships and more on growing and nurturing little people.
Thanks for this post.
Yes. I think I need it at least as much as my daughter does—probably more.
Girl, I’m 38, and I’ve encountered more mean girls in the last few years than I ever have in my life. Grown women still gossip and lie. It’s sad. But at the end of the day, that’s about THEM not me. I’m not saying I handle every situation with grace. I remind myself: Broken people have sharp edges. Normal, happy, confident women do not tear other women down – they do not gossip, they do not spread lies. Women who are insecure or wounded in some way do those things and the most helpful thing we can do is to rise above and realize that they’re hurting in some way that we don’t understand.
I totally agree.. i’m out of a job partly because I was the one who stood up to the workplace bullies who wanted to try and intimidate me.
…and sometimes we put adult mean girls on the naughty list and the whole office is happier!
Yes! Great conversations with your daughter. What a tough thing for our daughters to walk through! But so important to equip them since it can be a lifelong journey.
Sadly, my daughter had very similar experiences last year in second grade and some of these dealt with a girl who had been her friend for a couple of years. It made me very sad that somehow these young ladies were already treating one another so meanly. But I was also very proud of my daughter and the way she handled herself. We must take these opportunities to use the teaching moments because at 44, I still run into these mean girls!
I so don’t look forward to this stage with my children, but I know it is fast approaching. Praying I can help my kiddos deal with it in a kind way, as you’ve taught yours to do!
By the grace of God I have managed to give my daughter (4th grade) this kind of Godly advice. I needed this post to encourage me though. My own heart is very ugly and unforgiving toward the mean girls at her school. Sometimes my young daughter’s forgiving attitude is a reminder to me of how Jesus forgives my own depravity.
Thank you for this excellent reminder.
Reading this post made my stomach hurt, because it brought back a lot of memories. My daughter is 25 years old now and you are right…sometimes standing up for someone being targeted makes you the target. It happened to her back in the 9th grade, and it changed her life. Because, when she reached out to the targeted girl, and tried to include her and get her involved at church, all of her “church friends” turned their backs on both of them at school AND at church. Yep. We had some really hard, sad days. We need to teach our daughters and keep the conversations open…because sometimes, in some situations, even in really “good” families, our daughter might be the mean girl. Eeek! I know, but it’s true. Mean girls are EVERYWHERE and EVERY AGE. Our daughters need our support and encouragement. For my daughter…she’s not perfect by any means…but that situation back in 9th grade made her stronger, and more intentional in reaching out to new or different people…because as bad as the rejection from her friends was, and as certain she was that she was going to absolutely die from it, she didn’t. She did the right thing and it was hard, but she survived. And that made the next encounter (and the next…and the next) with a mean girl easier.
Thank you for this post. #wearesisters
I enjoyed this post very much, and find the advice to ring very true. I’m no expert, but with girls aged 15, 12, and 8, I would also like to remind everyone reading this to encourage a patient and forgiving heart within our girls when they initially encounter a girl with aggressive or unkind actions/words. EVERY child, yes, even my own, is capable of unintentionally hurting the feelings of another. It is so important to withhold judgement until discovering if the behavior is a pattern or an isolated incident. I’m not at all disagreeing with the post, just adding another angle to consider, something I’ve seen play out in real life many times.
I appreciate this post. All children should be taught how to handle difficult situations. As parents we can empower them will skills that will help them throughout their lives. As a mom of a 7-year-old-sometimes-mean-girl, my heart breaks. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought one of my children would struggle with being kind to other children. We work very hard at teaching her correct principles, and teaching her to apologize when she has wronged someone. But I am sad to stay that we cannot control her, and sometimes she is mean to other children. 🙁
As parents, when our child is injured by another, it is usually only our child’s pain that we see. To offer another perspective, I would like to remind everyone that a mean child is not an evil child. A mean child is also a struggling child. My children have been hurt by others, and when they are, I will always empathize with and validate their feelings. And then I help remind them that the mean child must be having a really had time, and that they should pray for that child.
We are all struggling through this life. We are all sisters, even the mean girl.
Thank you for your addition to the dialog. I would even suggest that a child who sometimes says the wrong things, and receives correction and encouragement from her mom is not necessarily a mean girl, but a girl who is still learning. Thank God for moms who get their hands dirty and do the tough work of shaping spirited and headstrong girls. These girls have much to give, and just need to learn the right way to use those skills. Once again, I still agree with the original post. I just extra-love moms being “real” about all girls owning up to unkind behaviors and always exhibiting forgiveness and patience before applying permanent labels.
“still learning” does not equal out to “mean girl”….. We have to teach our girls to be that seed to others.
My daughter is a cheerleader. I stand firm in telling you that her and most of her friends rally around the ones that need that extra hand to fit in and be social. My daughter was broken hearted the other night. I asked what was wrong. A boy (who is usually mean and vulgar to others) had a crush on one of her friends. Her friend said..” I am going to flirt back with him and lead him on. It is fun to lead the boys on. I like to manipulate them.” I was proud when my daughter told her how disappointed that she was on her friend and went on to explain why she was disappointed in her. If a person does that with someone who is to say they wont do that with others. it made my daughter question why she was her friend to begin with. Our kids learn their own actions by example. I have a hard time with adults using stero types as well. If as a whole we stop labeling others and start excepting everyone corner of the world might be a better place.
I hate that the pettiness and ickiness has to continue thru each generation…why couldn’t THIS terrible attitudes(?) green eyed jealousy(?) mean spirited have to continue?? I weep for my 3 girls as well as all those others when some mean girls has to become in order to get ahead…WHY?? how can this be stopped?
Just the other day I gave my brief “Mom Dialogue” about mean girls and what to watch out for. It’s good for them to know how mean girls act so they don’t turn into the nasty one.
Beauty is the outward expression of your inward desire to be like Christ. Everything else is just counterfeit.
Unfortunately my daughter met the mean girls in Kinder and then I met their mothers, our neighbors. We have pulled our children from the local school, but still live in the same neighborhood (along side two homeschool families). Now, four years later, we’re excluded from street gatherings, shunned when walking past their homes, their children refuse to play with mine. I pray for them daily and pray that God will guide us through this. We add our home as part of our testimony to God’s grace and provision and I refuse to let someone who obviously doesn’t know God take this joy from me!
I am the mother of 3 adult children. My 2 daughter-in-laws are the mean girls to my daughter. I have talked to them about it but it does not stop. I just don’t understand why it continues to happen.
In my experience a lot of mean girls are apples that fell straight down from the mean girl tree. In other words, their mothers are mean girls still. In the case of the girl who was mean to me I was able to find out from other ladies of various generations that she was the 4th mean girl in a row from that family. Her mother, grandmother and great grandmother were all mean girls. Sadly her teen daughter is now the resident mean girl. 5 generations of mean.
we have to talk to our daughters and teach them how to handle it when they encounter the “mean girls”. I was brought up to be nice, get along with everybody and if someone was mean you “just ignore it” … so on the outside I was very docile and complacent because I was “ignoring” all the snubs and the nasty comments about my clothes or my hair. but on the inside, I built a fire that burns to this day. I can remember the people who dissed me back in the day. my memories of school are not positive except for band because that’s the one place I fit in. so a fire brews inside because I swore i’d never forget … and now that I have girls in school that have encountered the “mean girls”, that fire has been rekindled because I *do* remember how I felt but at the same time I don’t want them to grow up with the anger that I grew up with. nowadays I also understand that simply “ignoring” a problem won’t make it go away and that sometimes all it takes is for the meanies to see that you are not afraid to stand up for yourself and once they see that, they’ll leave you alone. but each situation is unique, whether it *is* better to just ignore it or whether you need to say something, and learning to navigate those situations with tact and grace takes experience. a friend of mine (a father of 3 girls) once said that girls are like animals in the jungle that are constantly competing to be the queen of the herd. so true. but I don’t need to be the queen of the herd and my girls don’t need to be the queen of the herd … we just need our boundaries to be respected and my girls are being taught various ways to establish and protect those boundaries without having to *be* one of the “mean girls” in the process.
Thank you so much for the encouragement! As sisters in Christ, we need to build each other up, not tear each other down. It’s sad that girls at such young ages learn to be “catty” and tear each other to shreds. Our culture isn’t doing us any favors (ever notice the “pretty, popular” girls glamorized in shows and movies tend to be some of the cruelest?). Thanks for the reminder of what really works in dealing with mean girls, instead of playing their game.
Sadly, I’ve dealt with “mean girl” attitude in my ministry … from others who call themselves Christians and friends. It’s no wonder the world speaks about us the way they do. I’m thankful God is with me through the struggles of “mean”, because He is truly all I need. He is my best friend.
Love this post, Kristen. It speaks volumes.
I am 62 years old. I was bullied by a mean girl in the 6th grade and just found out that I will probably be running into her soon, so I googled “mean girls” and found this page. Can you believe it? I’m 62! and I’m searching for “what to say to the mean girl”!
After 50 years, there probably are no answers.
Oh yes, and amen! After four boys, I did not expect the blessing of a daughter to come with such emotion, drama and at times manipulation. As she is getting older, we are learning not every mother is teaching and training their daughters to “treat others as you would want to be treated.” We haven’t quite had your experience, but I know it’s only a matter of time. I appreciate your post!
I love how you handled this discussion with your daughter.
Hello Ladies. First off, I am waaay out of my league in this dialogue. However, the reason I ended up here is because I was searching the web because I’ve been faced with a situation where I’m wondering what to do. I have a 9 year old daughter in 4th grade. She attends public school but many of the teachers are committed Christians and its a great school overall. Anyway, my daughter is tall for her age and she has a little pear shaped body type. She is sweet, kind and loves to laugh. Problem: she has encountered a little girl named “Hanna” who is mean. She has been belittling my daughter and most recently, she told her she was fat and that no one liked her.
I have been fearful that this day would come. I tried to get my wife to stop buying junk food several years ago because I knew this was going to happen. My wife is a very picky eater and therefore, we have kids that are very picky eaters. My daughter does need to lose some pounds for her own good/health but my issue at hand is “what should I do?” My daughter is depressed, highly emotional as of late and cries over the littlest things. She has been having panic attacks and today, during one of her emotional outbursts, she said that she didn’t want to live anymore. I’m probably over analyzing this but I don’t ever want to see my daughter in a place where she sees suicide as the only way out.
I’m planning to send the school counselor an email detailing what’s been happening but at the same time, I’ve been trying to teach my daughter that some people are just mean. I would greatly appreciate any thoughts or ideas as to how I should work through this with my daughter. The last thing I want to do is blow something up unnecessarily but at the same time, I want this to stop.
Sincerely,
A concerned dad
Allen, Did you ever find help?
I am currently having this issue with my 2nd grader. I have tried to separate her from the other girls, but I cannot be at school all day, every day. I am very concerned with how much this impacts her emotions at school and at home.