We sat around the dinner table finishing up our tacos, shredded lettuce and cheese scattered about.
“Okay, everyone, finish up and I’ll pass out the Bibles,” my husband said.
For years now, we’ve made an attempt to Break Bread after we’ve consumed it. Its been the optimal time for our family to connect, read a devotion or Scripture or two for a few minutes. Dinner is one of the only times during the day we are all together, mostly still and quiet.
I’ve said this several times, but it’s my favorite time of the day with my family.
Unless one of our children tries to sabotage it.
Distracting. Irritating. Complaining. Whining. You name it.
While I don’t think there’s a calculated conspiracy or evil plan to sabotage, once I realized it was happening regularly, I acknowledged one of our kids had gotten really good at disrupting or all-together ending this intentional family time.
One night, I watched it unfold and I was frustrated. Not only because my kids all knew better, but because it was defeating. This cycle of trying and failing.
Maybe you have a kid like this too? Passionate. Strong. Determined. A Leader in the Rough.
It might happen at dinner or in the car, on vacation, while at school….
Big emotions all the time.
As my husband attempted to read, I watched my strong-willed kid make faces at siblings, maybe hoping to be sent upstairs… I thought about how well this child leads, when given a chance. I thought of one of our trips overseas, where complaining and griping threatened to ruin the day.. So, we handed over the maps and guides and said, “Okay, you be in charge. Lead us.” It turned out to be a brilliant parental move.
We still have those occasionally.
A plan begin to formulate.
The next night at dinner I made my move, “Honey, would you mind if we did something different tonight?” I asked Terrell to hand the Bible to our determined child. “I like the way you read aloud (entirely true). Would you read to us tonight?”
Sure.
With character voices and inflection and without distraction, we had a wonderful devotion and family time.
We repeated it the following night. And the next.
I was amazed at how pleasant and peaceful it was and there may have been a high five or two between my husband and I.
Honestly, my first reaction is to threaten and dole out consequences when the rules are bent or broken and it works well with a couple of my kids. But we can’t parent all our children exactly the same when they are obviously different. Over time, I’ve learned that the child acting out the most probably needs more love than consequences. More time than separation. More of me. And that strong-willed child needs a strong parent to let go of control.
So, instead of banishing your disrupting or disobedient child or punishing them for annoying behavior, let them lead.
You may just be surprised where it takes you.
Hmmmm…. You’ve gotten my “about to begin homeschool for the day” mom brain working!!! thanks for the idea!
This is genius. I especially love this line, “And that strong-willed child needs a strong parent to let go of control.” Thank you for your Godly advise. Keep up the great blog
Hmmm, I may have to try this today. I have been battling a particularly strong willed child this week.
This is a fantastic message. I read a similar one over the weekend with the same message – strong willed children need to be parented differently and crave more love, attention and a little relinquishment of control from the strong-willed parent 🙂
I’m working on it! I get it, but I struggle anyways. This article is the sign I needed to work a little harder and stay on the path, because it is working. I see the difference it makes, when I don’t let myself get frustrated and jump to punishments. I see the difference it makes when I chose to parent differently – it makes for a much happier parent and child, and a better family dynamic – and for that, I am truly grateful.
Thank you!
Excellent! I love this “out-of-the-box” parenting!
My second born does the whole sabotage routine, and I think this may work! I am going to try this with him! Thank you for the wonderful idea!
I try this with mine sometimes. And it works great for HIM. however his sister feels left out sometimes because she doesn’t get to do the thing he does. She can’t read now but whatever he does she wants to do, too. His teacher has the same problem-he does great when give leadership opportunities but the other kids resent that they don’t get the same opportunities. Inthink it is a great idea and works great-just sometimes it backfires! You gotta roll with it though and look for ways to make the others feel like they have something to give as well!
I like this. Short and to the point. However, we have had this exact scenario in our home and while it worked for our oldest foster child to gain her interest in something she had never experienced, my 3 year old cannot read and I’m not sure how to let her contribute. I have 3 girls and a boy right now in our house and all 3 girls are strong-willed children. The little guy has is easy. 🙂
Brilliant! I am reading this thinking, “Why didn’t I think of that??”….oh yeah, because I like to be in control…so hand it over to the kids, utterly preposterous…or utterly genius!!!! Thanks dear, for another brilliant post!
I am reading this in repeat. This is the second time recently God is getting my attention, to let go of control. But, I will have to be more creative since my second round of kids can’t read yet. This is brilliant!
I couldn’t agree more. It can be hard to fucus positively when someone is acting up but I have found that it does work best when the parent keeps their cool and devises a way to include that child. I use a tactic from time to time on 2 of my grandkids when they come complaining about the other. I ask them to first hug each other and say I’m sorry. There is something about that hug that melts them almost every time. I don’t always do it, but when I do it does work. I had started it when they were around 2 and they are now 11 and 10.
This is a great idea and I made it post of the week at my blog. Congratulations!
Hmmm…I’m often baffled as to how to deal with my firstborn. She can be very challenging and amazing when given responsibilities or being put in charge. I wonder though, it may work once, twice but is that a sustainable solution that unless she is in control all will go well. Don’t want to miss the heart and discipling the sin. Such a hard balance to strike. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and ideas. Will definitely try that.
“The Leader in the Rough”. That is my boy! Thanks for reminding me we are sculpting a world changer. Blessings!
Love this! You are spot on. Thank you for posting!
god worked mightily through this post. I just got off the phone with my husband asking for some back up with our strong willed child. I believe I was meant to read this now, while she’s been sent to time out for the 100th time. Thank you sister. God works so beautifully!!!!
I agree wholeheartedly those children in my case (4 independent outspoken courageous type) need more love more of me and a strong enough parent to let go of control! Love this. Thank you for the encouragement!
Thanks so much Kristen! I wish I had read this when I was a high school teacher! I will definitely give it a try as a mom.
There’s nothing more frustrating than a child that is constantly interrupting or digging or causing chaos or arguing….ahh the list goes on 🙂
Out of my 8 children, I have a couple like that, but out of the couple, one definitely takes the prize. She is outspoken, opinionated, independent, loving, happy, argumentative, and stubborn. I love her to pieces. I love all my children so much and they each have something to offer in this world.
Sometimes the easiest way to handle the personality of these types of children is to get the more involved, such as what you did with your child. I like your idea of having said child lead. Thanks for your creativity 🙂
http://www.little-old-me.com