“I want it.
Why?
Because everyone else has it.”
It’s a conversation we’ve had countless times in our house. It doesn’t matter what it’s about–the newest technology, the latest fad, the most popular shoes- it’s treacherous ground to add it to our want list so we can be like everyone else.
These five dangerous words are turning homes upside down. When we give our children everything they want (because everyone else has it), it speeds up their childhood: We have six year olds addicted to technology, carrying around their own ipods and iphones without limitations; eleven year old sons playing bloody battles of Assassin’s Creed over the Internet with strangers instead of playing ball outside; And 13 year old daughters shopping at Victoria’s Secret, wearing angel wings across their bums, looking far older than they are.
But worse than losing a generation of children, this choice breeds a nasty virus. Because maybe if we keep giving them everything they want, they might just drive a new car intoxicated and kill four people and be diagnosed with affluenza.
The psychologist testifying for the 16 year old boy who did just that, defined affluenza as this: children who have a sense of entitlement, are irresponsible, and make excuses for poor behavior because parents have not set proper boundaries.
And when you write a little post about the warning signs of entitlement and it’s shared nearly 800,000 times, perhaps we’re all a little scared of our kids catching the same bug.
“I am an RN working on a psych unit, and I see everyday the effects of entitlement. I see adults in their 20′s and 30′s who always had everything they ever wanted given to them while growing up, and now they just don’t get it. They are unemployed, either living with parents or with one friend or relative after another, or on the street. Having been given everything they ever wanted without working for it while growing up, they don’t feel that they should work for anything now. They were raised to think they could do no wrong, but instead of growing up to have high self-esteem, they have grown up unable to function. They cannot take disappointment of any kind. So we have a generation of kids that don’t want to work and can’t function as adults. Because they have no coping skills of any kind to deal with life, they become depressed and often turn to drugs and/or alcohol to feel better. Then, they end up on our unit, depressed, suicidal, and addicted,” a comment on this post.
Why are we saying yes to our children too early, too soon and pulling in the boundaries? I’m not sure, but I think it starts here:
- We don’t understand the future implications of giving them everything they want right now
- We want them to have the life we didn’t
- We are afraid to tell our children no because we know there will be backlash or because we think they will feel loved if we say yes.
- We want them to fit in with their peers because it’s hard to be different.
- We feel it’s often easier just to give in
- We struggle with a bit of affluenza ourselves
This excellent article shares the symptoms of this nasty virus:
To conquer the affluenza virus, though, one must first recognize it within himself and ask why and from where it comes. Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you frequently buy things you do not really need?
When shopping, are you unable to control how much you spend?
Do you envy the lifestyles of the rich and famous?
Do you feel bad when your neighbors have things you do not?
Do you measure yourself by what others have?
Do you ever use shopping as a means of escape?
Do you use your possessions to impress others?
Do you compare your possessions with what your peers have? If so, do you experience a feeling of superiority that yours are better?
Do you speak often about the things you want?
Do you find yourself complaining about the things you want but cannot afford?
Do you think of spending your money more often than saving it?
Do you often think your life would be more complete if you had more money and possessions?
“Jesus, speaking to the people, he went on, “Take care! Protect yourself against the least bit of greed. Life is not defined by what you have, even when you have a lot.” Luke 12:15
So what’s the cure?
Maybe it starts with the little word no. We aren’t going to buy, get, do that just because others are. It’s okay to want things, but there’s a big difference in getting something because you love it and getting it because you want to be loved.
Maybe it starts with deciding why you do what you do. Don’t let the culture lead your family. Because it certainly will. I heard this week the most popular word among teens in 2013 was twerking. Do we really want society guiding our children?
Maybe it starts with reality–no, not everyone has, does, gets ____ (fill in the blank). We’ve discovered other people who don’t have ____(fill in the blank), but we’ve had to look for them and pray them into our lives. The world will tell you (and your kids) you’re completely alone. But that’s a lie. There are other families swimming upstream against our society and affluenza.
Maybe it starts with a dab of old fashioned failure (I love what this teacher said below).
“Some parents don’t wish their kids to fail. I admit I want my children to. I want them to fail, so they can learn how to get back up. I want them to not get every gift they want on their Christmas list, so they can appreciate what they have and work for what they don’t. Lastly I hope all of them get at least one or two teachers they hate. That way they will learn that in the real world, they will have to work with people (and bosses) they may not like,” a teacher who left a comment on this post.
Maybe it starts with exposing them to how the majority of the world lives. Affluenza is a first world problem. Hunger is a real world problem. Give them an opportunity to serve others.
Hebrews 13:5 “Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I really don’t think our kids want the latest technology or the hottest name brand as much as they want something else. Oh, they think they do. And they will beg and plead (and drive us crazy) for it. But deep down, they are hungry for something deeper that satisfies and lasts a lot longer than just stuff. Giving them firm boundaries, love and perspective is exactly what we can offer them.
This week, I’m reposting some of my most shared blog posts of 2014 with you. Thanks for being a part of this community. I can’t wait to see what 2015 brings!
What a wonderful, right to the point article. We are, indeed, guilty of doing this to our children, and, as I write, are also dealing with the grim results. While we spent loads of quality time with them, playing with them, taking them on vacations, etc… we also indulged them in ways we had never been. Our adored children have become a couple of entitled, spoiled brats, and now we are in therapy trying to undo all of the damage that we did in our misguided attempt to make them “happier” than we were. Let him who has ears hear…
Oohh my! You nailed this to a T. I am so in LOVE with your blog. Your honest posts are a blessing to my family. I especially enjoyed you backing up your points with scriptures. I am glad to know that there are other families who think just like ours do! You are MY FAVOURITE blogger. God bless your family, and let’s keep on fighting the fight.
I LOVE this post. I am glad I am not the only one who see’s this problem and wants to do everything in my power to avoid this evil. Beautiful post thank you for sharing.
this post is spot on!!!
My husband’s daughter recently came to live with us. She is 15 and has zero understanding of responsibility or consequences and does not believe that anything is her fault. Its always someone elses fault, they did it and or caused it. He has zero ideas of how and what is takes to properly raise a child and wants no advise or help from me. Any articles that you could send me that i can give to him would be appreciated. Thanks
I wonder if my Facebook friends are going to get tired of me sharing every single one of your blog posts! Haha. So relevant, every single time.
Thank you for sharing!!!
I really appreciate your blog. This will be helped many to think about what they are doing and how they turning their personality? Being a parent its our duty to teach children that its not important that we should have everything what other have, but the important thing is love and time which we share with each other.
You hit the target with your blog! I am a grandmother with one granddaughter and one on the way and my husband and I’ve raised two children to adulthood. Even though we are Christians and raised our children in Sunday school and church, it is hard to stand against the crowds. We did do that, though. Our daughter was more difficult to raise than our son and wanted a more materialistic lifestyle than did our son. My husband always supported me in helping me to say “no” to many things that we knew our children did not need and were not good for them to have. During my daughter’s high school years, it became popular for girls and boys to have basement room sleepovers with the parents at home which I flatly refused for her to ever attend. There were many times she vehemently disliked me for the “moment”, but I will never regret making the right choices with my children to keep them safe and healthy from “affluence” and following the crowd. “Training up a child in the way that he should go…” (Proverbs 22:6) starts as very little children and continues well into adulthood. Giving our child/young person “the world” only spoils and ruins their personality, work ethic and appreciation for working hard for a specified goal. It also prevents them from looking first to the Lord for his provision for their lives. I have siblings who are raising children and doing a marvelous job in in many ways to put the Lord first and help them make careful choices for their lives. Thanks for your blog so other parents might take heed.
love this post and thank you!!!
How I wish I’d read this years ago. You hit the nail on the head. Trying to change Wimpy kids into young adults now.
Thank you for the truth! Unfortunately the way some are raised (like myself and my husband) influences how we raise our children. We tried for 9 yrs to have a son and a daughter. We loved them so very much. We didn’t spoil them because we couldn’t afford to. They had all the necessaties. Food, clothing, and a clean comfortable home. I was even a stay at home mom. Our kids were library kids because it was free to go there. They grew up loving to read and were excellent students in school and both have a degree. Our daughter is happily married to a wonderful man. They have a beautiful new baby girl. Our son isn’t married yet but he has a great career that pays very well. He is smart with his earnings. Our regret is that we didn’t make them go to church regularly. They both know the Lord and tell me they pray. Still I feel we did them a huge injustice. In their high school years we let them get away with some drinking. Neither of them got bro trouble but we were fortunate they didn’t. Parents make mistakes. We did. Our kids are not perfect. I think you can raise your children as perfect as you see perfect being. I think you can teach them ALL the right things and still they won’t have perfect lives. All you can do as a parent is try to raise responsible, loving, respectful (of themselves and others) adults. Our two kids are so different. One has very strong self esteem. The other not so much. They were raised the same but aren’t the same. Do your very best. You will have regrets. But I don’t think every parents parenting is the cause of how kids turn out in every case. My opinion.
Thank you. This is so true. Scripture affirms what is truly important, Jesus is our treasure. Too many family’s do not raise their family to know and love Jesus anymore.
Loved this! My husband and I do our best to keep things “old fashioned” with our children. My father taught me to work and appreciate money, and I’m hoping I can do the same with my children. I never understand when I hear parents say, “Oh we stopped at two so we can give our kids everything we never had.”, Or, “I just want to give my kids what I didn’t get growing up.” To me it’s like saying you don’t like the person you turned out to be, so you’re going to do different then how you were raised. I like the fact that I appreciate money, can distinguish between a want and a need, have a good work ethic, good manners, etc. I’m sticking with the way my parents raised me; I think they did a pretty good job 😉
Really appreciate your take on “giving our kids what we didn’t have” because you are SO right, it’s like saying we aren’t good enough. You touched my heart with this. Thankfully saying no was not something I ever regretted. 🙂
I have been in law enforcement for 36 years. We have a name for kids who parents give them everything they want with no consequences. “Job security”.
I see that you got it!
I don’t get to see my boys as much as I would like and at their home they are gamers. However when they come to see me they have all that available but they don’t want it, all they want is my time affection and love. I think there is a balance to everything but once you put kids or adults into revolving circle of the same thing over and over again they lose touch of everything else. So a mixture of activities yes’s and no’s seems to do the trick and don’t palm them off because you can’t be arsed investing your time in them because you are too busy.
This is such a brilliant article. Is there anyway I could get it in Spanish? There are soooo many people I would love to share it with!
I really enjoyed this and was nodding away the. I was stopped by the bible references. Why are they needed in a great blog? What a load of rubbish.
Love this!!! Great job!
This a good read. Fortunately, the lack of funds helped me keep from giving mine everything he wanted. But, I feel I may have made excuses for his poor behavior too much due to his mental illness. It’s hard to say if it helped or harmed him.
My advice to new parents is always, “Say no. A lot.” It does seem as though we parents have much more to say no to than our parents did. Not only (in most cases) did they not have as much disposable income as we do, but other parents around them were not saying yes to ridiculous requests.
Saying no is becoming harder. You are not only the bad guy in the eyes of your child, but other parents and school administrators as well. I took flack for questioning the $800 field trip to DC for my 8th grader, not only because he had already been, but because I did not feel that for what the school offered, that it was a good value. We decided he would not go, and the teachers tried to “punish” him and a few others with extra homework. Why are we expected to just fork over our money and our kids every time some parent or teacher comes up with a new trip/experience/t-shirt/party/whatever?
Maybe this could be a topic for Kristen’s next book: Getting to No; How to say no more often to your kids, and live with being the bad guy!
My kid hears “no” and translates it into “you hate me”, I know because she says this out loud to me just about every other day and I am not dealing with a teen or even a pre-teen. She is 6. What are we supposed to do with that?
It is so much impossibly harder than it sounds.
Spot on!