You’ve probably seen it by now.
The viral video of the Baltimore mother in bright yellow beating the hell out of her rioting teenaged son in the middle of the street.
She’s being called “mother of the year” by some and abusive by others.
And whether you’re cheering her on after watching the video or wanting to call child protective services, I’d bet a dollar her son has called her the “meanest mom in the world” before their very public moment.
Listen. I’ve been called it for much less.
If you’ve ever told your child no to protect or provide for them, followed through on a consequence with your teenager, or refused to give into their demands, you probably have the battle scars that come with the Meanest Mom title, too. If they are too young to say it, just wait.
I love my kids and my kids love me. But they have tried to manipulate situations, move my resistance, maneuver their way around the truth and mistake my compassion for weakness.
Motherhood is not for wimps.
When my kids think I’m at my meanest, they are really seeing my fierce love for them. They just don’t recognize it for that.
When I was 16 years old, I misjudged the time and realized I was going to miss my curfew. This was long before cell phones and so I did what any other new driver would do, I sped. Just as the policeman was pulling me over a few blocks from home, my parents showed up.
I’ll never forget their words, “We will take it from here, Officer.”
They didn’t think twice about marching my butt home and if there had been a TV camera, they probably would have waved.
I was never late again.
(I’m about to sign my daughter up for driver’s education and Hey, Mom and Dad–I totally get it.)
Life teaches hard lessons. And if we let our kids learn them, they might just learn from them. Sure, we can protect our kids from consequences, but should we? They might just miss the lesson if we rush to make everything okay. Maybe they will think twice before they make the same mistake again.
I go toe-to-toe regularly with my kids. And it’s not because I like a good fight.
It’s because of love.
These are some of the non-negotiables in our house that earn me the Mean Mom title. They are of course, sandwiched in loved, bathed in grace and taught consistently (most of the time):
1. Lose it or break it and it’s lost or broken. (We might help you with it, but if you expect it, we definitely won’t).
2. Our family goes to church. You will go, too.
3. People who live in our house, do chores.
4. We apologize when we hurt people.
5. Your email, pictures and Internet history will be looked at by your parents. (Remember we agreed to this when you received access?)
6. If you don’t take care of your stuff, you can’t borrow mine.
7. If you want something, save your money.
8. Sometimes you have to fail at something to later succeed at it. (This is why I quit reminding my kids to do their homework, check on that missing paper, turn in that extra credit, etc)
9. Eventually, you will run out of clean clothes if you don’t do your laundry.
10. If I go out of my way to help you and you’re rude, the next time you ask for my help, I will say no.
11. We will always forgive each other, no matter what. Love conquers all of the above.
Does this list make me a mean mom? Probably.
Life has a funny way of teaching the best lessons–if we let it. Sometimes the very best lessons are in the consequences.
I hope one day my kids will look beyond the words and rules, and they will understand the deep, abiding love for them that sometimes makes me seem mean.
I know I did.
And who knows, they may even see a glimpse of Mother of the Year.
Thank you. I am in need of this encouragement today.
Wow I feel like I’m not alone. That there is hope and that I’ve been doing the right things for my kids.
Love the list our families is very similar!
Great post! A dear friend & I joke with each other that we are card carrying members of the MMFL (Mean Moms For Life) Club. And we are not ashamed of it! We both had great training from our moms.
Ha! This reminded me of what I used to tell my kids all the time:
Today my kids are at an age where I’m starting to lie about how old they are. They’ve turned out okay!
I’m confused…Why would you lie about how old your kids are???
Maybe they have kids of their own now 😉 Kind of makes one feel old when one’s kids are well past the growing up stage!
I distinctly remember accusing my mother for being the meanest mom in the world. I look back now and I am beyond grateful for all of the lessons she taught me. I think the world needs more moms like mine, after all she is the greatest mom in the whole world.
Thank You for your honesty and openness. It is so refreshing and confirming to know, I’m not the only one!
Great read!
I’ve always told my kids, “If you like me all the time, then I’m not doing my job”! I think a lot of today’s parents are wanting their kids to like them; instead they need to make sure that their kids respect them!
This is so true!!!! I try to explain that to my husband all the time. There will be a chance to be friends when they are grown right now we need to be PARENTS.
Love this! It’s true. Children will think “Mom is mean” when they don’t get their way but as you said we do it to protect them and because we love them. My teenagers think I’m terrible for making them wear helmets while riding their bikes. I think I would be a terrible Mom if I didn’t. I always tell them I’m not running for a popularity contest. I’m loving them and protecting them the best way I know how.
When I work with young Mom’s I remind them of a powerful truth I learned. There may come a time when you kids will hate you but when anyone standing in the gap for truth there is hope that hate will turn to wisdom as they age. Thank you for standing in the gap with honesty and wisdom. Mothers and father and grandparents need to be reminded of the core of this post.
My son 18 struggles with the respect factor to me. Because I think he has had to be the man of the house and has a lot af responsibility due to me getting sick 7 years ago yes there is his sister 16 and brother 13 with no problems and sister does almost all the cleaning. And I have given him a 30 day to be out 1 week after graduation. Cause now he has pushed his brother on mothers day for him trying to stand up for me and get him to stop name calling me negative words and cus ons.
Love this! Reminds me of the book, The Mean Mom’s Guide to Raising Great Kids by Joanne Kraft. I’m usually a pushover but I’m learning that being tough is important in raising great kids. Thanks for the list. So good!
Good to know I am not the only other mean mom in the world. Your list looks so similar to mine. My kids have quit asking for things because they know what the answer is going to be,
“No.”
I want my kids to learn how to earn. Respect, money, items, responsibility. Non of this is just granted on a platter because I too want it in return.
Great post!
So have you seen the poem? My dad read it during a sermon one time, and I’ve never forgotten it.
http://mrmom.amaonline.com/poems/meanestmother.htm
Hugs,
Melinda
Great post. Great moms think alike.
(Just another reason I like you.)
Sharing it around the web now.
I remind my child that my job is to teach him how to be a good adult by teaching him lessons as a child. I don’t care if he thinks I’m mean, but always know that I will always love him. Just not always his behavior or actions.
I got called this by my 4 year old as I was reading this. She didn’t eat her dinner and now wants m & m’s and I said no.
I used to tell my kids “Sorry, I got an A in mean mommy school”.
I absolutely LOVE your list!!! I think I need to get to work on making a family “rule list” myself! 🙂 I bet my kiddos will think I’m a mean mom afterwards, as well! 😉
I know my kids think I am the meanest mom but they forget the same stuff they are trying to pull on me I have already done it with my parents. I know my step son thinks I am cause I call him out of his crap and he cant get away with anything. Hes been slipping in school. Hes got to the point he has forged two report cards. The first one dad didnt catch and he tried to hide it from me but I found it and noticed the changes. I called the school this time around and got his grades. I told him I did and he still changed the grades but dad did catch it the second time around. At least I know that there are other moms out there just like me trying to raise our kids the right way. Teach them right from wrong!!!!
Amen…. And it will happen when they have children of their own..
After nearly three very hard years with my stepdaughter and having to stand firm against what has been a downward spiral of bad choices (and having been slandered by her in my church and in our very small town), I needed this today. These are things God has confirmed to me long ago, but it’s encouraging to hear it from someone else, too.
This was awesome. We have similar rules in our house, and I’m definitely the mean mama right now. Our 11 year old is going through a…phase…(we hope it’s a phase, with an end). With PTSD, RAD, ADHD and other holdovers from the trauma of her past (we adopted her and her brother a couple years ago), she’s got a lot going on in her head. Thanks for the reminders of how to have a MOTY mindset. I like your reason for blogging (which is my motivation to blog, as well): letting everyone know they’re not alone. Too bad they don’t make a “SUPER LIKE” button. I’d totally click it here.
Im not sure about forcing Children to go to church, I think that is bullying, and is abusive. Why cant they choose to go or not to go?
I agree with you on some level, but it truly is beneficial for kids to have structure in their lives. If going to church is something the whole family does to spend time together, then so be it. When I was growing up (I’m 22 now), I wasn’t forced to believe in the scripture, but I was “forced” to go to church. I didn’t understand why at the time, but now I do. it’s just about structure.
Do you let the chose to go to school, go to the Doctor, eat the right kind of food. Are you telling them when it comes to the things of God, the chose is less important!
Are rules #10 and 11 contradictory?
I had to go back and look at them…they would be contradictory if forgiveness meant you’re a doormat. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you let them walk all over you, though. True for kids and adults alike.
If I lend you money and you don’t give it back, I can forgive you and drop the anger/bitterness so that we can still have a relationship, but I’m probably not going to loan you money in the future unless there is a VERY compelling reason to do so (usually involving proven change on your part).
Just my two cents!
I believe the highest love we are called to as parents is to allow our children to hate us.
I guess I don’t see what is “mean” about having respectful boundaries? We can have rules and boundaries while showing kindness and love. I don’t mean to speak out of turn here but, am I missing something? Our children don’t need to hate us for them to get our guidance. Do they?
Our children don’t need to hate us but the reality is that if we have boundaries they are going to bump up against them and in most cases blame us as the reason for not getting what they want. And children don’t usually respond with a, It’s okay, I don’t like your decision but I respect it. So yes, being called mean and having a child even feel hate toward their parents who stand firm is very likely. It’s also a transitory feeling because children also need and crave boundaries to feel safe and loved.
Thank you, I love this list. At a time when dealing with a high drama, self centered teenage girl and a newly teenage boy, I really needed something to reinforce. I have been feeling so frustrated lately. Thank you, I printed your list.
When a fellow, younger mother comes to me and says they want to be their child’s best friend, I kind of see red! I, gently, explain that being their best friend is not possible and is unrealistic; that they are the parent for a reason and that is to raise them and check them when they get “too big for their britches”. Friends ooh and ahh over their choices and actions and laugh it off. Parents give consequences and boundaries not to cross! I say, if your child doesn’t stomp off, say a “hate you” and slam a door a few times a month, then you are not doing YOUR job of being a mom. My children are adults now and ARE my friends and confidants (to a point) and I laugh as I watch them with their children and yell out “déjà vu!” as they tell their children things they “thought” they would never say as a parent!
hahaha..reminds me of my daughter,now pushing 50… a few years back,we were on the phone,and her kids were saying they didnt like what she made for dinner.she yelled.”this is not mcdonald’s! eat it,or go hungry!”.all of a sudden there was this dead silence,and then she wailed,”I’ve become my MOTHER!” I liked to fell over,laughing.
How very timely, I needed this so badly!! My children are still very young, but I’m already figuring out that being a parent (and a stay at home Mom) is one of the hardest, but the absolute best, most rewarding things I’ve ever done. On days like today I find myself questioning just how rewarding it is, but when I look into their precious faces it’s all worth it. And I have faith that God wouldn’t have given me these kiddos if I couldn’t handle them!
I used to think my daughter was mean to my grandchildren, (I still do sometimes). But, they are some of the most well behaved children I know and, I’m very proud of how she has raised them. Especially considering that she was an unwed teen mother at 16. She’s done a great job and, I don’t consider any of your rules “mean”.
Mother of the Year is a title and it does exist. Look it up at http://www.americanmothers.org
Excellent organization that celebrates real moms, with real kids.
I read this and it made me cry. Yes this is how our family is. However, sometimes the consequences for the parent is harsh too. Remember the child gets to choose their response to the rules and standards of your “meanest moment”. I live with this consequence and it hurts deep, because they have not seen ( as of yet) the love behind the rules.
Please don’t misunderstand me, I very much love my children. I have 10. Yes 10. Their all adopted. Someone before talked about ADHD, PTSD, RAD yes I got those. I also got autism spectrum, OCD, ODD, fetal alcohol syndrome, bipolar, and manic depressant. I have two that have or are using drugs and one that is a cutter. I have children with just past trauma that is doing really well. But…. I just want all the reader to know that parents have a consequence place aponed them for their actions too.
Thank you for the encouragement! God bless you!
I think at some point every parent feels like their alone and the only one. But It is reading things like this that bring me back to earth and remind me that I am not the only parent whose child”hates” them in a stressful or angry moment. Thank you for that.
I am going thru some tough times with my teenagers, I needed to hear this.
I agree with your thoughts on parenting, and often remind my girls that I am not here to be their friend. They can have plenty of friends, but only their mother loves them enough to set boundaries…to say, “No” when I know it’s not what they want to hear.
Think about the added difficulties of having step-kids. I have two step-daughters who spend every other weekend with us, as well as more extended holiday time. They are parented very differently by their mother, who is extremely permissive and hardly ever says no.
You can imagine, then, how this leads to arguments.
To describe the situation of the Baltimore mum as being somehow equivalent to this simple analysis of “meanest mum in the world” or “mother of the year” somewhat diminishes what she and her son have to contend with everyday.
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2015/04/the-real-travesty-of-the-hero-mom-story.html
get over yourself
When I got the “mean mommy” Commentioned the first time, my son was about 6. I popped off, “yes, I’m a mean mom. When God gives you extra special kids, you have to sign a contract to be mean enough to mold them into the awsome people God needs them to be.” Completely sarcastically at a bad moment. 6 years later, my son will start to say I’m mean, then rolls his eyes and says “I know, I know, it’s in the contract” and stomps off to do whatever he thinks I’m being unreasonable about.
Thanks for sharing, love reading about like minded mother’s! Makes me feel like I just may be doing something right! LOL
There’s a fine line between mean and abusive. Remember that.
Last night, my 6year old daughter said that I am the meanest mum and that she hates me. Although, I brushed it off saying that in 20years time, you will call me “the best mum ever”, I felt sad. It hurts when my kids (6 & 8) think that I am a very mean mum but then I keep reminding myself what is important – A certificate from my kids saying that I am the best mum or raising them to live a life that is pleasing to God! I choose the later almost always 🙂