She made a beeline for me at the girls night out.
“You said your daughters are strong-willed, right?” she got right to the point.
We found a corner of the room and I waited. She had a lot to say about her precious and precocious two year old, her first daughter.
“She screams no! She throws herself onto the floor when she doesn’t get her way. I can’t go anywhere with her. My sons never once acted like this and I don’t know what to do.”
I listened and smiled and nodded my head because I understood. Sometimes the best way to encourage one another is to remind each other This is normal. And This shall pass. And You’re not alone.
I mean, it’s happening in The Oval Office. CNN is talking about tantrums, y’all. (And I thought my son’s library meltdown of 2006 was epic).
You will survive this hard place.
And most importantly, One day, You will thank God for it.
My own strong-willed girl walked up in the middle of our conversation and my friend said, “Look at your daughter. She loves Jesus. She’s amazing and she isn’t out of control.”
“Not in public anyway,” my daughter quipped and wandered off.
We laughed. Because I’ve learned strong-willed toddlers grow up to be strong-willed teens.
And that’s more than okay. It’s actually a blessing and I wouldn’t change it if I could. Even when saying no means tempers flare or make the meanest mom. I’ll take it.
I pulled my friend close and I said these words, “Listen, I know these strong-willed children are challenging. They push our buttons, they make us question our parenting. We cry and hit our knees. But they are used by God to transform us. They show us our humanity, our weakness and mostly how much we need Jesus.
“We want our determined, fierce kids to stand up first to us so someday they can stand up against the world.”
I thought of my own strong-willed girls who have stood against most of my food and friend and fashion suggestions for years, only to see them stand up for faith in the face of a culture that lacks it.
The beauty of strong-willed children is that they are strong.
They will try and lead and manipulate us; starve and dress themselves and win every argument. Their determination will embarrass and thrill us all in the same day.
We will beg and barter and bribe. We will question every move we make and cringe at every fit. But we will remember that their fierce determination is channeled into velvet strength and these kids who won’t give up their will, also will not give in.
Yes, they chase hard after what they want, but they also chase hard after what’s right.
So, listen close, mom, and be encouraged. That little one will change the world.
But first, she will change you.
Thank you SO much for posting this! I have three boys (ages 6, 4, 2) and one of them (*cough, a toddler, *cough) is extremely strong willed. Most days I feel as if I’m at my wits end trying to figure out how to teach and guide him. God definitely uses motherhood to daily remind me how very much I need Him. You articulated everything so beautifully and have encouraged me on what is already proving to be a challenging day (and it’s only 8:30 am – ha)!
I was there but my four boys are now 5,7,9 and almost 11. They fight like dogs, they wind each other up, unfortunately they talk back but as they are getting older I see glimpses of how God is starting to grab their hearts. We have good days, bad days and somewhere in between. So keep pressing on. Believe it or not (I didn’t believe at your point)… This parenting thing is flying by.
Hallelujah! I’ve always had an affinity for strong-willed kids. I teach middle school, and if ever a child’s “will” comes out, it will happen (in large quantities) during middle school. Those kiddos, trying so hard to BECOME, are impressive as they stumble and get back up and look you square in the face. They get frustrated, they refuse, they argue, and yet, they don’t give up. That kind of determination and stubbornness is what keeps them from falling prey to peer pressure in a world where everything is telling them, “You aren’t good enough…be like everyone else.” The child who stands up to that is often the same child who wouldn’t listen when he was three…or the child of the parent who calls me in fits, “What am I going to do with this girl, she’s driving me crazy!” My words of advice…the same as yours…”This is normal. This is important. She can’t become her own person unless she separates herself from you a bit, steps out into that big, scary world, and falls down…a lot. Just keep picking her back up. Just keep doing what you’re doing. It’ll be okay.” As the mother of a strong-willed child of my own, I have to remind myself of this constantly. So, thanks!
I had an extremely strong-willed daughter who was so determined to do things her way. It was a matter of learning how to work with her, not against her so we could do anything. That strong willed child was hit by a car at the age of 5 and suffered a severe traumatic brain injury. If it weren’t for her shear stubborn personality, I truly believe she would have died, but she stubbornly wanted to prove all the doctors and therapists wrong in their predictions of her vegetative state. All I will ever say is, “Thank God she is a strong willed child!)
But how do you survive the strong willed child?
Pray for wisdom. Teach them the word of the Lord. Teach them to change their underwear daily. Love them fiercely and always stand firm. Never throw them into a den of snakes. Never rescue them when they step into a cow pie. Leave the rest to Jesus. He is stronger than you both. From a retired Mom of strong willed children. (Oh yes,and remember, you will be a retired Mom too one day 🙂 ! )
🙂 love all this advice! Too many negative comments when out in public!
Awesome Carol!
How do you survive the strong willed child? Daffodilmom, I hear you. One day at a time and with lots of prayer. And some days it is just barely surviving. A turning point came in my life when a friend and i found out that we had sons that were almost identically challenging. It took us 15 years to find each other, and it was life changing. If I had it to do all over again, and I very well may, I’d listen more carefully to other moms, tell little anecdotal stories about my son, and find a friend earlier. Most of us don’t like to admit publicly how challenging our kids are at home. Now I make a point of seeking out moms of strong-willed children, and offering love and support. Prayers for all of you moms who connected with this blog!
My youngest son was extremely strong-willed, so much so, most mornings in his toddler and preschool years, I would lay in bed and pray for strength before I ever even put my feet on the floor. Some days, the prospect of parenting him exhausted me before I ever got started because it felt like one battle after another from morning until bedtime.
Then I read this book by Cynthia Tobias called You Can’t Make Me but You Can Persuade Me. Seriously – best book ever for parents of strong willed kids.
The most important thing is to build relationship with your strong willed child because you really can’t force a strong willed child into things (unless you want an epic battle on your hand). It’s really easy to focus on the negative when you feel you are in a constant battle of wills. One thing I did was I used a ticket system. Blue tickets were for good stuff and red tickets were for disobeying. So many blue tickets meant picking a reward from the reward jar and so many red tickets meant going to bed so many minutes earlier (the worst punishment ever when your brother gets to stay up!). This helped me to look for the good stuff which can be hard when you are in the trenches of the toddler/preschool years.
The second (and the one I struggled with the most) is to stay calm. Some strong willed children will brave the punishment just to see you lose it. Seriously. Don’t get all emotion – just calmly state what they can’t do and what the consequence is and then quietly follow through. Sounds so easy but I had such a hard time doing this!
Third, a strong will is NOT a bad thing. It can serve them well in later years, but it does need to be channeled. Don’t die on every hill – look at the big picture of what you want to accomplish and make those battles priorities. You can lose the war by constantly battling every little thing.
Anyway, to give you hope, my strong willed boy is now 14 years old. He is a leader and a good kid. I ENJOY being around him. And honestly, I saw a huge difference when he asked Jesus in his heart. Usually, there is a not a big change in a 5 year old, but this was noticeable! Anyway, good luck and please know there will be days when you blow it and that’s okay. You say you are sorry and ask for forgiveness and move forward. On the days I was so tired and didn’t think I could do it, I reminded myself that God loved my boy more than even I did, and I could trust Him with my kiddo. (((Hugs))))
Awesome advice. I am a mom of 3 boys, 12, 10, 5 and two of them are for sure strong willed. I’m still making it thru the challenges but 1) I tell myself daily that God is my strength among many other things in scripture too numerous to list 2) connection with other Christian moms in the same season is priceless 3) someone that can offer an outside-looking-in perspective is also priceless because there are times you just don’t see what you may have permitted that contributes to their strong-willed behavior. Lastly, take time to refuel and refresh yourself regularly. Alone and with your husband. You need it and so does your family. Prayers daily of course are a given and never to be skipped or if you’re like me, you’ll lose it! Blessings to all of us on this mothering journey. What an excellent writing on this topic!
Pick your battles carefully. It is best to avoid a problem by working around it beforehand. Say things just once. Be prepared to pick up and carry the child if necessary. As a former PreK teacher, what annoyed me is not the child, but the parent that gives in or that asks for the same behavior 12 times. That is what fuels the child to act like that again and again. I had my 2 year old nephew in a children’s museum. He went head first down a slide and I told him no more slide He threw a fit. I moved him close to a wall and stood beside him. I told him that when he was finish d with his fit we would go somewhere else. I got lots of dirty looks. I don’t care I wasn’t giving in and letting him slide when he could have gotten hurt. He already had a brother with a broken leg and Mom was 7 months pregnant, she didn’t need another accident.
‘The New Strong Willed Child’ book by Dr.Dobson helped us tremendously. He gives practical advice that helped save my relationship with my strong willed daughter. Be creative in your discipline. Pick your battles but always win the ones you pick. And pray without ceasing!
On your knees. Been there, done that. And, I look back in amazement as to how God was there for us.
As a Mom of a daughter (now young adult) who is more strong willed than anyone I’ve ever met. Here is my advice:
1) Choose your battles – Only stand your ground on really important things. Otherwise, you will be too tired, honestly.
2) Find something to celebrate and affirm in your child as much as possible. We found the more we affirmed our daughter the more she responded to direction and correction. She would not cooperate just to make us happy, just to get an award or just to avoid punishment.
3) Read “You Can’t Make Me” (But I can be persuaded) by Cynthia Tobias – short book but very helpful.
Stay the course. Don’t look with your physical eyes, look with your spiritual/God eyes. Ask God to help you see your child through His eyes, to show you how He has uniquely made them. Make sure you notice them for the wonderful things about them (it’s easy to give them attention for the things you struggle with, but show them you delight in them too). Pray into them character. Speak over them the things you want to see in them (make sure though that it’s God’s heart for them). Don’t try to change them. Even though it’s hard, they are also fearfully and wonderfully made with that strong will. Remind yourself of other strong-willed adults that are amazing. That’s who your child will be! Try your best not to react to them, but to respond to them. And always, always remind yourself that you are divinely appointed to be their mom. They didn’t need a different one, they need YOU. They need you to be who God has called you to be. Not someone else that you think has a better handle on their kids.
I needed this! I have three strong-willed daughters at home and I have never looked at it this way. Thank you for giving me new eyes!
My MIL told me my husband only saw things in black and white before we got married- which some see as stubborn but I see it as strong-willed. He knows what he believes and does not falter! Our 2 year old is acting the same way. There is no gray area- it is what it is and you can’t deter him otherwise. But at least he’s confident! 🙂
How did you know that I needed to open my email and read this at this very moment, post meltdown moment with my strong-willed daughter? Thank you 🙂
Thank you. I really needed to read this today. *sigh* I’ve got a 9yo son who pushes all my buttons; he can be incredibly condescending and rude, he can throw tantrums like nobody’s business, he can also be downright adorable. He even has curly blond hair. Thanks for reminding me that I am not a failure because I can’t “control” him better; that God has made him the way he is for reasons that I can only dream; that God has a plan that if I’d just stop railing and whining about this tough kid, that maybe someday I’d see it.
I think,…,I am with you. My stubborn, strong willed, frustrating 5 year old boy does my head in. But sometimes he says and does the cleverest things. Wise and intelligent beyond his years. I think he is destined to become something one day (not sure what but watch this pace)..
You give this child lots of loving, some latitude, and time to transition. I suggest books and material from The Neufeld Institute, like, “Hold On To Your Kids”. Tantrums at 2 are normal. Rudeness and bullying at 6 and as a teen is unacceptable. The kids need to know you’re the alpha in order to feel safe enough to just be the kid.
Correction (my kids are 6 and 9 and I’m still learning this parenting thing)… Tantrums, rudeness, bullying and “pushing your buttons” can be signs your child is calling out for help. I don’t have all the answers, but Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s attachment theories are making much more sense to me than many strategies and theories I’ve seen and heard and tried myself. My strong-willed son needed more loving than my angelic one as a baby and toddler. Now that they’re older, the needy toddler is the confident, affectionate one while the easier-to-handle toddler is my more challenging school-aged child because he’s less independent.
Thank you Sabrina! I’m going to look this up.
Wow…great post! Thank you so much for your encouraging reminders. I am so grateful for my Strong Willed children!
I have one of those! My first daughter nearly made me swear off of having kids. I am glad I endured. I have 3 other children and it was easy street after dealing with Miss Contrary. She is a huge blessing now as an adult. She is independent, industrious and strong in her faith. You just have to hang with them through the bad times, which are quite long. sigh. Between age 18 months and about 6 then the high school years. I got a nice reprieve from about 6-13, Your mileage may vary. The best thing I ever did was buy the book, “You Can’t Make Me, (but I can be persuaded)” by Cynthia Tobias. It helped me to have some insight into how intelligent and DIFFERENT their motivations are than your “regular” self-willed, sinful human kids. You will find that the usual parenting advice is not only useless, but actually counter-productive when dealing with Strong Willed kids. Whereas with most children, their motivation is the usual, unfiltered motivations of the flesh: What brings me comfort? What gets me what I want? What behaviors get me unwelcome results? You can, with consistent guidance and repetition, guide them toward better behavior. The strong willed child has ONE overriding motivation: What makes me feel that I have POWER and/or that I have WON? All other considerations fall into a distant second place. They will defeat all other purposes, endure unpleasant consequences and repeat the same (apparently counterproductive) behavior over and over. With other kids, the question to yourself that you must answer is, “How do I produce/allow good and bad consequences in order to train the child to do what is right and stop doing bad behaviors?” With the strong willed child, you must ask, “How does this behavior appear to the child to be a ‘victory’ for him/her?” Then, “How can I help the child to feel empowered while doing good and to feel NOT empowered while doing bad things?” This is the key and once you begin to see the “logic”, twisted as it will be, you will have at the key to immediately end those bad behaviors. Another valuable tidbit, repetition of consequences only reinforces their behavior. The right approach will work the first time and may only need to be repeated once or twice more to end a certain behaviour (throwing fits in a store, fir example). If you try an approach once and it has no effect, you have to change tactics. Your response obviously is somehow making him/her feel they “won” or they would not repeat it. Yes, it’s tricky. Yes, it’s hard. You have to be smart. It is so worth it. They change you. Yes. I could write a book, obviously.
Tammy, love all this advice! Thank you!
I am strong willed. Married strong willed. Birthed 2 strong willed children. Have 8 strong willed grandchildren.. …
it’s a wild ride.
Remember, you are raising / training them for eternity.
Stay faithful.
To the Lord
to the Bible
to your spouse
Keep your sense of humor.
This gives me hope ☺
Thanks!
I love this. Thank you for the perspective.
Oh my goodness, I can’t even imagine my child having a tantrum at the White House! Eek!
But seriously, my son is pretty opinionated and strong willed and I LOVE it. It’s always been my prayer for him that he would stand up for what is good and right, even when no one around him is. And you know what you need to be in able to do that? Stubborn. Frustrating now, but I’m focusing on what it will be 🙂
I can.
thank you for this post! I read it the other day and thought “oh, so you’ve met my threenager too!” And then today, I got a call from the baby sitter saying “I love your son but in my 25 years of childcare, I have never come up against a child as stubborn and strong-willed as yours”. It was said with love and grace and she went on to tell me about the day everyone had experienced. Needless to say, I was so upset to hear about this, how truly terrible my child had been. I had to remind myself of this article and the words of the other comments to keep from balling. And as he sits in time out now (separate incident), and criticizes my cooking 😉 all I can say is thank God its not just us and thank God that He knows the future because I can’t see past the end of this time out and the “yucky stuff” we will eat at dinner.
Love!
I raise four boys. And while each of them have presented us with separate challenges, my oldest was the one who constantly challenged us, almost from the beginning. We used to joke that Jeremiah was born believing he knew more than we did and that he was smarter than we were (and he may very well have been). He questioned us–especially me–constantly. It was rarely just “Yes Ma’am.” It was “But why? Isn’t there a better way . . .” For a bottom line, strict parent, this was infuriating. But he did learn that “because I said so” was sometimes the only answer he was going to get. And I learned to be more flexible–to listen-because sometimes he saw things I didn’t.
He’s 25 now–a successful networking engineer (he specializes in seeing solutions after other people have given up)–and is a fine man of God. That strong will translated to a powerful faith and others often turn to him for leadership. When he puts his mind to something, he almost always gets where he’s going.
Thank you for your reply, Mary Paddock. For some reason, this was the most encouraging to me. My husband & I (both middle children!) are parents of an only child, an 11-yr-old daughter who is unlike anyone I have ever known. For some crazy reason, when I was pregnant with her, I actually prayed that God would make her fierce. WHY in the world would a mother pray such a thing? God answered that prayer. Not only is she fierce; she’s incredibly creative & smart as a whip. She is insightful and, like your son, does often see things in ways that others may not notice at first. Getting her to express her insights graciously (to Mom & Dad, anyway) and appropriately is a major struggle. She is a natural leader, and can be so much fun, but teaching her that she’s not in charge of Mom & Dad or home. . . . mercy. We are constantly at the foot of cross together, seeking Christ’s mercy & grace & graciousness, showing that we are ALL under his authority. We look forward to seeing the woman God is crafting our daughter into, and wonder at His using us as his earthly instruments in raising this headstrong, exhausting sprite. In the meantime, we still do a LOT of banging-of-heads (mine & Dad’s) on the wall, very loud conversations with the girl, not getting to go fun places because it takes hours of conflict resolution just to get her out the door, juggernaut eyeball-to-eyeball showdowns over schoolwork (did I mention that we homeschool? probably idiotic of us), and Mom taking long drives just to survive & be alone & calm down & not yell things we would all regret later (not that I haven’t done some of that already). Keeping it real.
Wow. You are describing my kid. I asked God for a strong-willed child and, boy, did I get one! After keeping her for a few days while husband and I celebrated our anniversary, Grandma commented kindly that “someday she will take over the world!” The 11 through 13 years were the most challenging. I questioned my parenting, my intelligence, and my sanity daily. But, God knew what He was doing. Now she is just short of being 17. And I can honestly say that she is the most enjoyable young lady I know. She’s strong, and never just follows the crowd, she’s clever and creative and knows no limits when it comes to finding solutions to problems. If she can’t find, or afford, a certain needed item, she’ll just make one. I could not be more proud of the young woman she is becoming right before our eyes. God has used her infuriatingly strong will to shape her, and us, into something wonderful. Hang in there, trust God, pray constantly, and prepare to be blessed.
Thank you so much for this post and the words of wisdom you expertly wove throughout to bring about a new perspective. You have most definitely shed a new light on a tough situation and brought a sense of, hope? (maybe the right word, maybe not), to those of us that are just praying we’re getting this whole parenting thing right. Coming from a strong-willed momma, my strong-willed child has definitely taught me more than a few things about myself and I learn and grow with every moment spent with her. I am excited to see how she will grow and use her strengths to possibly change the world as much as she’s changed me.
I have a 4 yo boy and when he was 3 I totally thought that I was not going to survive that year. 3 yo was the worst year so far. He would throw lots of tantrums all day every day. It was horrible. Then he turned four and it’s amazing. 98% of the time are all great days with no fights. He very rarely throws a fit. It’s very hard to see the light at the end of the long dark scary tunnel but I promise it’s there and every second is worth it. It has taught me so much for example, patience, different ways of discipline, positive reinforcement tactics etc. Its hard to go through but the reward in the end is so worth it.
Wow. I have tears in my eyes as I read this and the responses. I am NOT alone in going through this. Thank you.
No you’re not alone, I feel it too 🙁
After a most challenging weekend, I stumbled across this post. Thank you so much because this is how I feel most of the time: a failure. I feel like nothing I do is right or going to improve anything. To know that the reason my daughter is so strong willed is to teach me and inspire others, I feel empowered!!
I’m sitting here in tears after reading this. I have a 15 month old (my fourth baby) who I don’t know if she has some sort of emotional or developmental problem or if I’m just dealing with an extremely strong willed baby/toddler. My other three have very differnt personalities but non of them were as difficult at my baby. The tantrums, the anger, the struggle getting her in the car and out, in the stroller and out, diaper changing etc. she fights everything! The need to do more then she is capable of is maddening and no one gets it. I feel so alone.
Amen! My strong willed baby is now 8 and fierce as ever. All I can do is try to channel that strong will into something amazing. She will do great things!
Some survival tips for moms of the strong willed: Strong willed children like to make their own decisions so give them options when tensions begin to flare, it will stop a tantrum if the child thinks he or she is making the decision. Secondly punishment doesn’t work so use charts and emphasize positive behavior; its another game changer. We had a chart for my daughter being good at dinner time as she would alway throw a tantrum at dinner. Once she could put a sticker on the chart after the meal and receive a reward at the end of the week, our meal time became enjoyable again. Hope this helps a little.
My strong-willed child is now 25, married, and a high school teacher and coach. That personality God put in her is exactly right for her – was it hard getting her raised? Oh, yes. But that same strong will that we battled for years is what makes her great at what God has called her to do. (One thing that she loved: lists. When she could check things off a list, it gave her a sense of accomplishment and control. Yes, she still has her lists!) (And my other two children? Compliant and easy going.)
My darling (almost) two year old son is so incredibly strong willed. I have an older brother who was the same way and now as an adult is changing the world because he doesn’t take no for an answer just because “it’s never been done that way”. I am thrilled to think of what my son can accomplish with his drive. BUT can I survive these next years training him to reel in his will and align his will with what’s right? This week there has been lots of yelling, screaming, running away from parents, blatant disobedience, the list goes on. I’m defeated and exhausted. I’ve tried yelling, I’ve tried calm voices, getting on his level so we can be eye to eye. I’ve tried spamming, I’ve tried time out, I’ve tried no sugar (even no fruit because of natural sugar). I have tried it all and nothing helps!
I don’t know where to go from here.
THANK YOU!!! I have one child. I have that ONE child for a reason. I love her more than I ever thought possible. I repeat that sentence daily, Sometimes hourly. This has been a very trying week for my family as we struggle to figure out how to help this 6 yr old succeed in school. We have 1-3 behavior notices per week and I think the teacher is feeling frustrated and baffled. This was a big week for us. We finally found an advocate in the school: The guidance counsellor! I knew I was in the right place when she took my child’s hands and looked her in the eye and said, “I see your kind heart. I see you.” This blog post came at exactly the right time.
Great site. Go to https://www.pathwaytoparenting.com/
for more parenting tips for the strong willed child.