This is so hard.
I shut our bedroom door and my husband pulled me close. I tried not to cry.
We had just had a parenting night from hell.
Can I say that here?
Because if you’re a parent, you might just know what I’m talking about.
There was yelling and tears. Hard conversations, hurt feelings, consequences and the symphony of slammed doors.
In less than half an hour and three conversations, we had made three kids angry and unhappy because we are just that good.
Parenting is not for wimps.
If it isn’t hard, maybe we aren’t doing it right? my husband said quietly in my ear.
I let his words sink in. Because too often I believe the lie that says if we were doing this parenting thing right, we wouldn’t fight or disagree or battle over opinions and attitudes. We wouldn’t hurt each other. We would be normal. We would do this better.
And to be honest, parenting would be a lot easier if we didn’t care so much. If we didn’t try so hard. If we didn’t love so fiercely. It would be so much easier not to try and raise grateful kids who put others first, who honor our rules, who strive for purity and holiness, who openly share struggles and failures, who do not give up and choose to follow Christ.
Parenting kids upstream in a downstream world is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
We try to juggle grace and expectations and some nights all the balls come tumbling down.
But just because the road gets bumpy doesn’t mean we are off course. Actually, the right road is bumpy. The correct path does have obstacles and setbacks. The parenting journey is broken and beautiful at the same time.
We both sat on the end of the bed licking our wounds like we’d just waged war. And in a lot of ways we had.
Good parents fight for (and sometimes) with their kids.
Good parents make mistakes and apologize.
Good parents go-against-the-flow even when it would be so much easier to not say what needs to be said or enforce or follow through with what needs to be done.
Good parents cry. And doubt. And wonder. And pray.
Good parents offer grace when it’s least expected and needed the most.
Good parents remind themselves that this too shall pass.
Good parents look hard trials in the face and know they are doing something right.
Good parents recognize even good kids have bad days.
So, don’t give up, Mom. Don’t stop trying, Dad.
Yes, parenting is hard.
Especially when we’re doing it right.
Oh.So.Good. Thank you.
I have been parenting for 31 years, and I still feel like SUCH a failure much of the time. (I have 12 kids, ages 13-31.) I still have 3 teens left at home, and I am TIRED of the battles.
Hang in there!! Your youngest ones needs the battle to be their best selves. We “tough kids” turn out well with consistent parenting. We really do. Don’t give up. You’re going to make it and so will they.
Thanks so much for your encouragement! I do work hard to be consistent, even after 31 years of parenting.
Wow! My respects go to you because, even though quantity should not amount for quality of parenting, you certainly have accepted the challenge with honor and grace :). I’d love to watch the movie of your lives and maybe be inspired , and moved, and relieved, maybe shocked, and grateful that you made the effort (and thanked God in that way for what He entrusted you). Blessings and encouragement be to you! K
Thanks so much Karin. A movie of our lives would certainly bring a lot of laughter, along with a lot of tears, and filled with prayer throughout. I have truly thanked the Lord for the blessings of each of my children . . . but that doesn’t always make it easy. 🙂
That’s because you try hard tobe there for everyone but yourself. You r doing the right thing and I for one thank you for raising responsible children. Because u r!!
I have worked very hard to raise responsible children, and most of our 8 adult children are making wise choices (and walking with the Lord). It’s just sad that they don’t all appreciate how we raised them.
Laurel, it is women like you and my mother (7 kids) that are the example for the rest of us to follow. (I have 5)
Thank you for being the best you can be for your kids. It is hard now, but they will appreciate and love you for it. Thanks for sharing, and i hope you get some much needed rest and appreciation from those 12 kids whom you have given so much to!
I guess “being the best I can be” is all that I can do, isn’t it? Sadly, the Lord does not promise that our children will appreciate all that we have done for them. Sadly, some tend to focus on what they see as my failures rather than all of the positive things from their childhoods.
Laurel and other hurting moms… i sooooo hear you. Thats all my 36 year old only child ( daughter) focuses on constantly..to the point where she demands no contact for many months now….I’ve tried to explain but i dont even know if she looked at the email.. and her friends nor my sister won’t go-between and tell me if she at least read it. So I’m pretty all alone..no hubby no boyfriend and live alone.. All i have to rely on is God. But that is a LOT! HE Is all- powerful ??
Laurel, l know by now you know that you have to choose your battles wisely and the biggest thing l have learned is to follow through on what you say! I have been parenting for 32 years and now we are helping to raise our grandson. So you just keep on keeping on!
GREAT ADVICE to follow thru!!!!!! It’s haaaard but so powerful! Praise the Lord for the Grace to do so. I am single disables mama of 3 kids. Aged 17, 15 and 8. Bless the Lord for his help as I have no family or their father to help. Consistantcy and follow thru…..hard but best advice.
You mean I’m really NOT alone, I have one graduating high school and one going into kindergarten and I thought for one second, I was soooo close to freedom lol
I know what your saying. Lol I am in the same predicament. I have one that has graduated and one graduating this year. My 5 year old is in kindergarten.
I always love finding these threads that remind me there are a LOT of us out there doing it all day, every day. We have one in first grade and 4 graduated…….10 total. Having one start college and one start K in the same year was a tough year……but if God were to bless us again, we would jump for joy!
I had a newborn the year my oldest turned 18. 🙂
I actually lost a precious one in pregnancy, when my oldest was 28. If my child had lived, he/she would have been just 5 months older than our oldest grandchild.
You can do this! Just take one day at a time! I have been parenting for 35 years and have one teenager left at home and one just out the door to college…I only have 8 kids, though?!
One minute, one hour, one day, one smile, one meal at a time….you can do this!
Thank you, Martha! That is exactly what I need to do. There are so many days that I LOVE parenting . . . but some days are just plain hard, too.
Right there with you. I have been a mom for 22 years this year and oh my goodness the overwhelming feeling of being a failure.
Way to go!!! We have 10, 29-5years. it is a battle, but try not to take yourself so seriously. We are only human and life is funny! You’re doing a great job and the battle is the Lord’s. HE makes up for everything we lack! There are no failures in love! God only sees the love and eventually our kids do too!
God bless all moms! Pleeeeease!
“the battle is the Lord’s. HE makes up for everything we lack! There are no failures in love! God only sees the love and eventually our kids do too!”
Thank you for the encouragement!!!
Laurel,
My mother also had 12 children! I am # 11. Raised with rules and expectations, I appreciate all that I have and have earned. LOVED the joy at the dinner table! You look so young! Congrats to you! My memoires are highlighted in my bok: Memories from the Heart: Family, Love, & Survival by Francie Rossi
Thanks, Francie! I do parent with rules and expectations, but also with a LOT of love and prayer thrown in. Where is your book sold?
Congratulations! Keep on keeping on….it’s all good and worth it. We parented for 30 years and thought we would give out so many times, but we couldn’t!!!!! God bless you!
I have 12 too, and this article really does speak truth doesn’t it. I hate how hard it is but I wouldn’t change a thing because I know, without a doubt, we’re doing the right thing and it is blessed.
“I know, without a doubt, we’re doing the right thing and it is blessed.”
Amen! Absolutely!
The Lord so clearly called us to have an extra large family and we have done our very best to raise them up to love and serve the Lord. Now . . . I have to leave the outcome to the Lord. He has given our adult children freewill to make their own choices, to follow their own paths. We have to trust Him to keep them under His wings even when they have strayed from the path that we lead them on.
I will pray for you and your family!
Amen! 12 kids???? I would be way tired of doing it! I have 2, and that was plenty!
Yes. Twelve kids. 10 biological and 2 adopted. Ages: 13, 14, 15, 16, 19, 22, 25, 26, 26, 28, 30, 31.
Tired? I was REALLY tired when my twins were born and my “older” kids were 2, 3, 4. Yes. I had 5 kids under 5 years old. Life was CRAZY then . . . but oh so fun!
When my youngest bio. was born (before we adopted) my older 9 were: 1, 5, 8, 11, 13, 13, 15, 16, 17
Wow, somehow I was drawn to this blog. I raised 11 children, 7 biological and 4 adopted, went through a horrible divorce after 26 years and the lines were drawn against me. It felt like 26 years wasted as all I lived for was to be a good mom and raise my kids, love my adopted children who came with many problems and did most of it alone with no help from my military husband. Then stepped into a new marriage with a step child…..whatta nightmare. Just saying, parenting isnt for wimps and can be a thankless job
Thank you, thank you. It is a good reminder. Good parenting is hard. Children are so, so worth it. Keep going- and so will we.
the hardest part is probably when mom and dad aren’t on the same page, and one wants to cave in to the teenage demands, and one says, NO!
one is permissive, one wants to try to swim upstream, even on the HARD days.
Giving up is not an option, but it sure would be easier to just give in to the permissive one.
SIGH
I know your pain….?
This speaks right along with the trials of several “talks” we have been having with our kids the last few years. The talks are getting more and more serious. It’s our job to raise our kids right because the world will do a horrible job at it of we allow the world to slip in too much.
I have a 9 & 6 year old and my husband and I swear by this book “The Talks” by Barrett Johnson.
Changed our life!!
Keep going strong!!!
Thank you for your comments and additional information! I’ve just looked up “The Talks” and have downloaded it to my Kindle. It could not have come at a better time. xo
This: “Parenting kids upstream in a downstream world is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” Yeah. Me, too. Hang in there, Momma.
Nothing against the author or the piece in general, but that phrase sounded a little sour to me. Maybe I read it wrong, but the way it hit me was, “I’m the one (or one of a few people) who is parenting right, and all those other parents are lazy and doing it wrong”. Parenting is hard. If you choose to parent, there may be some “do’s and don’ts”, but every family is unique, and every child is unique, and every parent is unique.
Relax. Breathe. Take a chill pill, R Martha. Nothing of the sort, was said. Why read into a simple moment and why not choose to give yourself and others a break?
Honestly, if we knew we were RIGHT, or even if we knew we were at least headed in the right direction, it WOULD be easier.
I think the upstream/downstream metaphor relates more to the fact that it’s easier to swim downstream, with the current of popular opinions and culture if you will, as opposed to swimming upstream holding onto our beliefs even when they aren’t the cool thing to say or do.
there are a ton of parents out there that ARE doing it wrong…..different parenting styles or not, we are raising children to be good adults…..a lot of parents check out of their children’s lives because it is easier…and the rest of us are left to deal with children who are lost, disrespectful, selfish and in desperate need of direction…..a lot of parents neglect to teach their children any morals at all…
Exactly!
Keep pushing forward! I am at the place where the rewards begin to show, and the battles are worth it!! My oldest 2 are 19 and 16 and they are men I am proud to claim as my own! They love the Lord and others, are polite and courteous and strive to daily do what is right. They are by no means perfect, but then none of us are. The battles were hard, but God fought by my side at all times. Many times I wanted to just say, “okay, watch that horrible TV show” or just ignore their disrespectful behavior, but the battles pay off in the end. My best advice, fight the battles early! Many people complain about the teen years, but in our home the ‘battles’ were much less volatile because our kids knew where we stood and what we stood for. You can fight the good fight, you can win the race. Keep your eyes on the Lord and His principles and you will have children you will be proud of!
Thank you that was a great response. People forget that God has already given us a manual to raise our children by…God Bless
So true! Most of my problems if not all, would have been alleviated had I taken more time reading The manual. I read bits and pieces. The kids are all grown up now. Thank God for Grace. It really wasn’t that bad.
This!!! We are in the midst of a battle royal. I have not stopped crying for 3 days. I an so ready to quit.
Chris, believe it or not…one day you will cherish the memory of these three tearful days because you will know that you have invested in making your child the best they can be. Whether your child follows your advice or not, YOU sacrificed time, energy, emotion to shape them into good citizens. YOU were obedient to the mission and you were spent by your focus on that mission. Do not grow weary in well doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we don’t lose heart. Galatians 6:9
Chris, I too have spent the last 4 days crying, stressed and basically an emotional wreck. Emails to the teacher, doors slamming, silent treatment, crappy attitude (that she conveniently doesn’t ever remember having) breaks my heart. Along with a husband who thinks I am too hard on her when I make her say excuse me at the table when she burps. Between the two of them I am starting to think I may be crazy. Although I know I am not imagining these things. I am not sure what happened to that sweet sensative, caring, loving, little girl who was just here this summer its like a monster has taken over in her place. I expected these years to happen just didnt expect them at age 9. And then I see posts where people have more than one…..and even 12…I have no idea how they do it. I must be doing something wrong. 🙁
No way…..you just care! Your little angel will reappear! Just keep loving her!
Oh Maggie your post touched me so much because we too have a little 9 yr old girl that I cherish but it’s been a VERY hard struggle these last few months. She has always been headstrong but now it’s turned in to a rebellion with her. Last night she kicked a hole in our bathroom wall and I can’t say me or my husband handled it like we SHOULD have but we care and we WANT things to be better. I cried so hard last night but this morning is a new day and we will keep up the struggle and I pray you do as well. I pray for our children and us both that we can all make it through these very difficult times and our children come out seeing what we wish they could see now. Best of luck to your family! We also have twin year old boys so there is always a struggle in our family. 🙂
Chris…..better days are coming. You’ll reap what you so…keep close to the Lord and He’ll reward you for putting His principles first in your life and the children you’re raising.
God Bless you and I wish you peace and rest for your weary soul.
I won’t tell you the hardships I “suffered” while raising teens. I will tell you that if it could be done, one of mine did it. But I kept doing what I knew to do, and I prayed…and prayed. There was a lot of yelling, a lot of anger. In the end…all four of our children are law abiding, productive members of society. Nice, likable, and respectable. Who’da thunk it? There were times when I sure wondered.
Ahhh, those are the words I needed to hear – thank you!
Yes. It parenting is hard. But there are TWO of you in your equation. Imagine doing it as a widow, with no family in the area. I realize what you are going through is hard, but think of us who are doing it alone, and not by choice. There is NO ONE to whisper encouraging words in OUR ears. There is NO ONE to pull US close behind that bedroom door. And the bitter tears? We cry them alone.
I hear you, and pray for your comfort – I also pray you may find a support group – Moms in Prayer is a wonderful place to find community to pray for your kids!
True! Good advice.
same here. Widow. Although there was also an old divorce thrown in but my late husband was ‘Dad’. And here I was alone with 2 boys. The hardest part of single parenting is, it’s hard to demand respect for yourself. When 2 parents are in the house, one will say, “Don’t talk to your Mom that way.”
But I hung in, stayed strict, but most of all, set boundaries. I hope this helps all parents out there, but I once read an analogy of an emotional study that said, “If you put a child in a large field with a fence, he’ll kick that ball all over that yard. If you take down the fence, he’ll stay toward the middle of the yard as he’s afraid to go near the edge.”
It told me all I needed to know about boundaries. Children are safer with the same bedtime, the same rules, the same grade requirements at school, etc.
A child that is fenced in will always cry that they want to go outside the fence… but when you take that fence down, they become insecure.
Best advice I ever had! And BTW, both boys are grown men, successful, never been arrested, etc.
Another great book that taught me a lot was by Christian author, Dr. Henry Cloud. “Boundaries”. It’s about what Christ expects of us (using Scripture) for children as well as adults.
Great analogy (fence and yard)…..I will check out the book by Dr. Cloud. Thanks!
I have used that same analogy for years . . . of the fence. However, if we take down the fence, while some children may stay toward the middle of the yard (afraid and insecure) other children will run right out into the road and get hit by a car. Those children think they are wise enough to leave the boundary of the fence, and they don’t see the accidents waiting to happen. Those children, rather than living in fear and insecurity, live with too much faith in themselves and pride. They think they know better than their parents (who built the fence). Fences (boundaries) are the best answer for both types of children.
I can’t imagine doing it alone. I am not that strong.
Fortunately, my husband and I knew from the beginning that as long as we stood together, we would never be out numbered or out manned. He has reminded me many times that “we must be doing something right. They are both mad at us tonight.”
Thank you for speaking such truth! I really needed this!
Amen! Thank you for saying what I have so often felt the past few months! And my kids are just 5 and 2, I am going to be so exhausted when my kids get to be teenagers!
My kids are the same age and I’m feeling the same way. My hubby & I just had a conversation yesterday asking ourselves if we are too hard on our kids. Part of me says yes but the other part says if we let up now they will stomp all over us. I’m just hoping the hard work and stress we are going through now will make teenage years a little easier….***fingers crossed***
Lesson in Genesis this weekend made me realize (again) how God had to deal with (us) – in Cain & Abel – God’s word according to my memory: Why has your face fallen? If you had done the right thing, would not (your sacrifice) have been accepted? But be careful because sin is crouching at your door and desires to have you, but you must overcome. My words to my children: What is with your attitude? If you had cleaned your room like you were supposed to (or chosen an outfit you knew was acceptable, or not broken curfew, or…) then I would not have had to reprimand you. But you need to watch out and own your own problem because if you believe it was my fault, you’re never going to learn and just do worse! I never realized it was scriptural!
I knew about the Adam-Eve, “Wasn’t my fault, she made me do it” but I really didn’t realize it continues after that – kids haven’t learned any new ways to fight authority, and we do have an example in patience, love but firmness in discipline to follow. I guess we break God’s heart too 🙁
Very good word. True about the attitude and choices. Ultimately we are training up our children to be adults. Yes, it starts now and keeps building on the lessons learned…and re-learned…and re-learned….for them and for us. It takes a persistent parent to teach a child accountability, and ownership for their choices and their attitude. We have children who are 25, 20, and 4 and 5. What I have learned is even with the discipline, children will still make their own choices. But, even as a grown-up, God is still pursuing one of my kids who’ve made poor choices. My job is to pray without ceasing, love her, not enable her, and let the rest up to God to bring her back in to His fellowship. It is hard work, a battle.
“What I have learned is even with the discipline, children will still make their own choices. But, even as a grown-up, God is still pursuing one of my kids who’ve made poor choices. My job is to pray without ceasing, love her, not enable her, and let the rest up to God to bring her back in to His fellowship. It is hard work, a battle.”
So true. I am right there with you. Never give up hope for our adult children who make poor choices. Right now, we are REJOICING over a son who once was walking the wrong paths, but has returned to the Lord and has turned into a godly husband and father.
Amen…you are on the right coarse. Raised three with the grace of God. It’s lonely without the day by day “battles”. The time alone isn’t all that special. I would take a day of stinky diapers for a chance to do it again. Tough yes…but the best days of my life.
Same here. They are grown but I miss them. Looking back it really wasn’t so bad. More fun than anything!
I absolutely MISS the days when my life was FULL of babies and toddlers, diapers and bottles, and the many many years of homeschooling all 12 of my children. There were hard days, but there was also so much JOY and FUN and LAUGHTER.
Thankfully, my eldest son and his family just moved into our basement apartment, so I am a part of the daily lives of 2 of my grandsons. What pure JOY! My sweet daughter-in-law is even homeschooling! LOVING this new season!
Thank you for speaking my heart! The greatest devastation I see in the family besides divorce is watching parents abdicate their calling to get in the fight for their kids. My heart breaks at the thought of the children left to navigate this broken world without guidance because parents have lost their way, are too tired or have bought the lie that they can’t make a difference. Raising kids costs something and for many many years I fought on the battleground alone because my husband didn’t have a healthy model for parenting (often fighting HIM for what I knew was right) but it was worth ALL it cost me, and God never failed to support me when my strength was gone. To watch my children become kind, caring adults willing to make hard choices because they are right has made it all worth it! And the fight never ends… It just changes -as I continue to fight for each of them in prayer, remembering that God loves them more than I ever could!
Amen! Even after they are grown we know the importance of continuing to pray for them. God still moves on our behalf even despite the miles that may separate us. He is a good God.
Amen! God will give us the strength to do what He has called us to do.
This is why when my husband left for work in the mornings he would say, “battle on Zena Warrior Princess.”
I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I have shared the exact same feeling. “This parenting thing is hard! It’s exhausting. It’s draining.” Then we remind ourselves: “It’s great. It’s a privilege. It’s a season, one that we will miss. It’s so important and one of the highest callings. We are raising the next generation.” Press on!
Sometimes that tough parenting night turns into a full-on war that lasts and lasts and lasts, but eventually it ends. Eventually it gets better.
This post was SPOT ON! It is so tough to keep kids on a track that will benefit them forever – not just bring them immediate gratification. We are just on the other side of this battle.
Looking back, I am grateful that my husband and I were able to find common ground. He and I HAD to be on the same page – always. We needed a united front. It took lots of prayer for us to get to that point. With the Lord’s guidance, we were able to know what He wanted us to do – and THEN (and only then) did we move forward in parenting our kids.
Surprisingly, this trial brought us closer as a couple. It allowed my kids to understand that we love them Always and Forever No Matter What, and we will spend our last breath fighting for their eternal happiness, at the sacrifice of anything and everything.
Hang in there mom and dad. Don’t give up! This is the single hardest thing you will ever do in your lives – but it is THE MOST IMPORTANT!
You have blessed me beyond words. I am in a huge feud with our oldest, and it hurts…
Read Paul Tripps Age of Opportunity
So good!! Just what I needed today!
Somehow, I have been blessed with 2 amazing, fun-filled, vibrant kids who are almost always happy, rarely fight, grateful for what they have, and they are the kids that reach out to the new kid at school and become their friend. I will try to tell you what we did right, although I am not really sure:
– We try to spend time with them every day. Time just for them to hear about school or work or whatever. If we don’t get time every day, we make sure there is one day on the weekend devoted to hikes or shopping or kayaking or something that they like to do.
– Always encourage. Both kids do Tae Kwon Do, and are really good at it. It did NOT come naturally to my daughter, but we always told them how proud we are and how good they did. We never put them down. We always told them something good before we would add something to improve. (As parents, we were always higher belts than they were, until recently).
– When they were 6 and 10, we took in first one foster child (a 14 year old girl) and the next year another 14 year old girl. They were VERY difficult teens. We didn’t plan on doing it this way, and we only planned on one, but this was the need. We all accepted both girls as true family, and there were problems, but never with the little kids. They always accepted and the problems rolled off their back. But what they learned is that they were very lucky to have a mom and dad that loved them. The foster girls had never had that before and the littler kids heard some graphic stories well before they should have. There really was never a problem with appreciation after that.
I’m not sure what we did right, but maybe the above helped.
Thank you!! Your posts are so inspiring.
So true, all of it. But…our oldest (almost 19) has told us that we did it wrong and he is forever scarred. Having the eldest of 6 tell you that after years of the roller coaster (battles, joys, forgiveness, tears and triumphs) is deflating and discouraging. Makes you just want to give up and be one of the “easy parents,” you know the ones who kick back and enjoy a margarita and pray for the best? Well that road is looking really good right now. We have a good 14 years before our youngest is 18 and I dont have much fight in be to “on it” all the time.
K, I know where you are coming from and identify. My oldest (natural child) has broken our hearts and we have just had to let go, not in prayer, but in reality. Every day starts in a sadness that could derail us. Sometimes I am mired in the pain but God is faithful through our daughter, extended family and friendships to bless us. Our daughter, who we adopted through foster care at the age of 8, has been an amazing blessing to us. She lived a difficult young life, and we have walked through many trials with her, so who knows??? It is wonderful to hear all of the stories of victory, but we know that in spite of our best efforts our kids still make their own choices. And they are not always good choices. I hope you have good people around you and something creative in your life. I also pray for a special dose of comfort, peace, and encouragement for you.
Oh “K”. I am right there with you. It is absolutely heartbreaking when our adult children tell us that we failed them! I, too, think often of just taking the easy route with my 3 teens that are still at home. I sought the Lord each step of the way as I parented all 12 of my children, and to have some of them tell me that I did it all wrong . . . is crushing. But, I am committed to continue to fight the good fight for my children still at home. I will not give up on being the mother that the Lord has called me to be.
A reminder I needed to hear right now. An every day of course! Parenting gets harder and harder. So glad I’m not alone.
Thank you so much. Your timing is perfect – I really needed to hear exactly this right now.
This makes so much sense. Thanks for the great explanation. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing 😉
I am a teenager in a family with parents that are “mean” or at least that’s what my friends say… I disagree. I don’t think they are mean I think they are human.and sometimes humans do and say the wrong things. But, most of what my friend definitely.e as mean really isn’t. I just think it’s them protecting me and guiding.g me. Their are good reasons I wants aloud to date in middle school. I understand their reasons now even if u did not then. I love my parent how they are even if they do upset me sometime s and their is yelling and screaming.
This is a great article. I have been a mom almost 22 yrs and most days feel like I’m still clueless on parenting. My 16 year old daughter is struggling and nothing we say or do is acceptable. My husband and I have 5 children and it seems like everything revolves around one and our other children get frustrated. I don’t know if it’s being a teenager or because we are too strict, although our kids do a lot more than I was ever allowed as a child. It seems we can never do enough. This article was a great read, maybe we are doing somethings right. Our main goal is to raise children who live Jesus more than anything else
I will reiterate what I have already said. Parents are only trying to help. One day your kids will see that, it may take a while and sometimes I don’t understand why my parents do what they do. But one day it will all make sense to them when they have children of their own.
Yes! Good parenting is hard. It’s torturous to our hearts, and most certainly isn’t for the week. Co-parenting with an ex spouse who is not on the same page and a raging step-parent in their court makes it that much harder. Everything you build, all the struggles, and talks, and structured punishment, and installing good thoughts and morals in your child is turned to dust every other weekend. So, you spend the next two weeks battling again, building your child up to be the greatest they can be in anticipation for it to be destroyed again and clinging to hopes that your child remembers the good. That is the hardest part. 99% of the battles shouldn’t happen because we’ve battled them before and someone wrecked a perfect structure. Because I love my child more than life, I feel like those battles are worth it until we don’t have to fight them anymore.
I totally understand what you are saying. Struggling with the same thing right now. My daughter thinks we are too strict and sees the easy looser path her mom has chosen and gets sucked in on the weekends when she goes. Keep telling her that if she could see herself 10 years from now following what we have have tried to instill in her she wouldn’t question us again. Keep your head up and pray. God hears all PRAYER.
Just make sure the battles you pick are worth waging. 20 years ago my parents decided to destroy the parent-child relationship over some really stupid and petty issues. I have forgiven them, but the emotional & psychological damage is done.
Do some research on “orchid” vs “dandelion” children… not all kids are as resilient as you think.
Yea. Me too.
This speaks to my heart!!!! Thank you for sharing your truth and encouraging others to embrace their own!! Parenting upstream in a downstream world!!!! I pray about this constantly. I’m so grateful God is and always will be in control!!!
I’m not sure if I’m doing anything right, but I am sure that all of you who posted are good parents as you read and commented on this article. I am the mother of 5 who are 23,21,19,16 and 13. Just wanted to share a couple of thoughts in case I could help anyone. When defending a decision, usually “no” and my child is not giving up I try to remember to tell them this: God has given me one very important job, First to love him, to keep you alive, to raise you to be loving, kind and respectful, to be a good person who is responsible, giving and contributes to society. When I get to see him and he asks me if I did the best I could to raise you right I am going to say Yes! I cannot face God and tell him I didn’t do my best! This helps me to not cave in.
Then, one more thing. I always tell them when I am upset with them or they are upset with me, “No matter what you do, I will always love you. No matter what stupid choices you make or how angry you get at me, I will always love you. There’s nothing g you can do about that!”
Keep on keepin’ on everybody, it’s the most important job we will ever have.
Right there with you! My 12 children are ages 13 – 31. I am not a perfect mother, but I have sought the Lord each step of the way for His guidance and His strength in the midst of my weakness.
Parenting lately has kicked out butts. I have cried many tears the last couple of weeks and have felt very alone. It’s hard to share real life with people, even at church. We are living in a world where people’s perfect Facebook lives seem to mock. We have 4 kids ages 11-5, with one w/special needs. We are mentally and physically exhausted most of the time. I blow it, get snappy w my kids and then it breaks my heart. You are right, parenting is not for wimps. Praying Gods mercy, guidance, and strength for all of us tired mommas out there.
Keep praying. Don’t give up! God is faithful.
We, too, find it hard to share real life with people, even at church. So sad. We have been completely rejected by people that we thought were friends, when we have finally trusted them enough to share “real life” with them. When we need love and support the most, is when we are the most alone, with no one to turn to.
I stumbled across this at no better of a time. I just happened across this on my newsfeed this morning and let me tell you reading this just about made me cry with relief. I am raising three children without their father present at all. Many nights I go to bed crying myself to sleep thinking I am the worst parent and that nothing I am doing is right. As selfish as this seems to admit it helps me to see that even homes where both parents are present there are nights like this for them also. Thank you for being so transparent and honest in this…you’ve helped me more than you know with your honesty. Thank God for this accidental find and for you as well! God bless!
I taught a pregnancy prevention program for many years and one study stood out to me. I heard a researcher share her experience with interviewing teens and parents, and then following up years later to find out who got pregnant, who didn’t, who had become sexually active, who hadn’t, etc. The researcher thought she’d be able to tell which teens would end up where, but she was almost always wrong. Instead, the biggest tell for where teens would be years later was found in her parental interviews. Some parents were exhausted, worn out, stressed, and tired of the battle. Their kids were mostly or all abstinent years later, and not pregnant. The teens whose parents were “feeling pretty good” about their parenting, whose parents thought they had it, THEY were the ones participating in all kinds of risky behaviors. Whew that makes me feel better.
Beautiful, Kristen!
Your kids are little.
To be honest we have no idea if what we are doing is right
when they are so young.
The hard part of parenting is NOT knowing if what we are
doing is what the child needs at that point in time.
Thanks for the encouragement, and so timely. Just battled it out with my 17 year old son last night. Apparently our family is the ONLY ONE that has software installed on a teen’s cell phone for blocking inappropriate sites and reviewing text messages. Apparently our family is the ONLY ONE that won’t let a teen go to a party with underage drinking and no parental supervision. Apparently our family is the ONLY ONE that requires that we know where our teen is and who he is with. You get the picture. He is our last, and you would think it gets easier, but it doesn’t. However, having navigated it through with our older two (ages 27 and 28), we know it is worth the struggle.
AMEN! This is the toughest job, but also comes with the biggest reward. I’ve raised 2 kids (now 17&20) alone since they were 3&5. I’s been a LOT of work, but the relationship we have built is immeasurable. I envy you having a spouse to help support and comfort you. My (ex)husband walked away and never looked back. It’s tough when no one has your back.
Forging on…..
I’m not sure when it started but somehow children became the dominant member of the family and parents stopped being parents and tried to be ‘friends’. And now when you look around, there are children scolding parents in public for something the child wants or thinks they should have – discipline has gone out the window and children are left to bring themselves into adulthood. Good luck with that
Yes, parenting is SO hard… But I’ve from the worst battles come some of the most beautiful and precious moments/lessons. My eldest makes me fight HARD for my battles, but after a period of time (sometimes WEEKS!) he always comes back to me and apologizes as well as thanks me.
Yes, you can say that here. It’s true, isn’t it?
I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to figure this out, but I realized recently that parenting is not as much about us training our kids as it is about God training us as parents. Parenting is hard because it’s sanctifying, and that’s a good thing. It draws us closer to the Lord. His power is made perfect in our weakness. And I am a weakling at parenting.
Good stuff here. Thank you for posting!
Boy, did I need this! So many times I get advice from parents that try to be their kids friends and that’s where we differ. I am not my kids friend. At least not firsthand. We still struggle and they are young adults. Thank you, not feel quite so alone now. God bless you.
We have had more difficult relationship challenges with our young adults than we did with our teens. This has shocked us. No one really talks about the challenges of relationships with young adult children. All we hear is “we are best friends”.
You don’t know how much I needed to read this today! I’ve been constantly asking myself what I’m doing wrong. I’m doing everything I can think of and things still aren’t going smoothly. It’s good to hear that the road’s not supposed to be smooth and I just need to keep pushing through.
Thank you for reminding me to stay in the ring, I am in the thick of it with my 18 year old son. There are days he yells, cusses and days he won’t look at me and speak. I go to bed praying, wake in the middle of the night and pray and wake first thing in the morning in prayer just begging God to break his heart of stone. I continue to remind myself that Jesus Loves me ( and him) sees my tears ( and his) and will never leave me ( or him) and then when I don’t know what to pray I simply say “Jesus I trust in You”. Thank you for being real with us and sharing your stories.
Wow! It sure is relaxing to know that parenting is the same everwhere. It definitely is hard and I have had to learn it the hard way. Through the years I learnt to first be a mom. “No questions asked…. do it because I said so” is the attitude I had. That was my style but as years went by I realized that in order to get my children to share their challenges with me I had to bring out the ‘friend’ side of mom. God’s Word has been a powerful guide for me since I received Christ as my Lord. My children have come to learn the different sides of me. My tone of voice tells them who is speaking with them. is it mom the mom or, the friend, or the counselor, or the teacher. I always pray for God’s grace in handling the children and friction is does take place some times. Thanks for sharing because parenting is a journey we take on a daily basis as we learn how to handle each child since they are all unique.
This is so good, to be reminded of this truth: parenting isn’t for sissies. I have 6 children, and my oldest is 29 and my youngest is 9. The danger is to relax at the end–because, shoot, I’m tired!—and I have to guard myself against not doing my best with my youngest. Thanks again for this reminder that parenting is not an easy thing.
Right there with you. My children are 13 – 31. I am committed to fight the good fight for my youngest, just as I did for all of my adult children. I may be more tired now, but am just as committed to being the best mom that I can be.
I literally NEEDED to read this today – thank you for writing this! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!
This is the EASY PART. I’ve learned that parenting extends until you die. You can raise your children the same way, teach the same values and you can learn to your dismay that one ends up without that conscience that you worked so hard to develop. At age 74 I am dealing with a child in the early fifties that I am turning over to God (until death if needed) for salvation. What mothers and fathers need to do is pray that the lessons that you teach sinks in. All the teaching in the world won’t help if the child isn’t receptive. Just a note added here to maybe help somebody because this child wasn’t hard to raise at all….
Wow! I guess we really are all in this parenting thing together! And for some time I have been feeling pretty much alone and the only one to be failing… Thank you all so much for sharing all your struggles. It has given me great comfort to know that other parents are going through a lot of the same stuff with their kids. We know that God is ALWAYS on our side but it helps to hear from other parents sharing from the heart and not being afraid to be transparent. Thank you all so much! God be with you and bless all your efforts!!!
I appreciate your candor. I just had one of those nights myself. It feels like I’m so far away from where I need to be as a father. The kids always amaze me though with how fast they seem to forget such tense exchanges. They’re always ready to say ‘I love you.’ at bedtime.
My husband and I raised 3 daughters. We raised them as we had been raised, with rules and consequences. (And fun.) They asked to have a party once (high school); I said ‘of course, but there won’t be any booze.’ “But Mom . . . everyone else’s mom lets them.” ‘I’m not everyone else’s mom.’ “But you drink sometimes . . .” ‘Because it’s legal for Dad and I.’ Later one said she was glad we’d turned them down; she saw why. Now these ‘girls’ are all married and raising their own kids, the same way. I’m proud to call them my best friends. Stick to your guns; angst means you’re doing it right.
I needed this tonight. With three boys, 2 of them teens, It seems like more and more those days are every day here. I’m tired, run down and feel like a failure most days. Thank you for sharing and letting us know we’re not alone!
Oh my goodness. My kids are grown. I have good kids. And even though they are grown, this made me cry. A good kind of cry. A cry that said, it was worth it. Doing the hard things. It was so worth it. Thank you for your beautiful, healing, real and honest words.
I really appreciate this article. My husband and I are godly people and follow the Word when it comes to raising our children, but unfortunately, i haven’t felt very successful. We have 3 adult children….one is estranged…the other two have just started coming back around. And lastly, we have a teenager and pre-teen still at home. Getting homework done, cleaning bedrooms, being responsible.. So taxing… Im so tired…but I refuse to give up. Im glad to see I am not alone…its not just me and mine.
Right there with you. 8 children grown with 3 teens still at home. Some estranged. Some walking paths we would not have chosen for them. But, committed to continue to parent our children as the Lord has called us to. Doing the best we can to do and to be all that the Lord has called us to.
what if your children choose to think that christ is most likely a fictional character and that the g-d of the jews is no more likely to be a divinity than the many g-ds of the egyptians.
what if your children choose to think that they believe in the power of isis?
i recall reading once at an a.a. meeting that children are not people to be molded, they are people to be unfolded. that little message has always stuck with me.
Oh how I can relate to those parenting days from hell. (And yes, you can say that here!). Those feelings of failure, not making my kids happy, when I KNOW I’m doing the right thing. Oh the guilt. Thank you for reminding me that it’s ok to mess up. And that its ok to stick to my guns when I know I’m making the right choices. I could go on and on and on…..thank yo for this.
Kristen,
I love reading your blog…….”Life” is certainly a GREAT teacher. Shirley, Kimberly & Timothy are all now 30ish. They are just now starting to realize, that mom isn’t the enemy. (LOL)
When they were in Jr high and high school (when Terrell was their youth leader) they told their friends I was “psycho”
“I’m not here to be your “buddy” I AM your mom. God gave you to me, and I take that responsibility, VERY seriously.” They will love you AND hate you, in many phases before they’re grown. It IS a battle, for their souls. And SO worth it!
Thank you for sharing your heart! What an encouragement! I have those same thoughts…”If I was parenting the right way, there wouldn’t be any tears, frustration, or hurt”. When in reality, it is the opposite. Because there are those emotions, I’m fighting for my kids…daily!
Dr. James Dobson (Focus on the Family series of books/tapes/seminars) wrote a book entitle, “Parenting Isn’t For Cowards”. Your experiences confirm those beliefs.
As mom of 6 young adults, I can attest that it IS worth it. By God’s grace, all 6 are serving Him. The 3 who are married have married godly spouses and the other 3 do not plan on dating until they meet a godly girl whom they could see themselves marrying. They are joyful, hard-working, and thankful – not without flaws, but leaning on God where they are lacking.
It was crazy hard work that started before they were born, with us praying for them and their salvation and their future spouses and THEIR salvation. Setting the bar high while they were toddlers and keeping it high, was key. They had years to get used to, and hopefully see the wisdom in, our expectations and limits, rather than be surprised and caught off guard by sudden “no’s” or an out-of-the-blue boundary.
We blew it lots of times. We see our flaws reflected in their lives today. Ouch. But they have thanked us many times for being strict, consistent, faithful to God, loving each other in front of them (“ewe gross”), and just trying hard.
Figh the good fight. Train up your child. Lean on His grace.
Yes, all true. But from the other side…it is sooooo worth it. Keep up the good fight! The closer we are the deeper the wounds. The Healer is faithful to everyone involved.
Great article. I especially like your comment about apologizing. Especially as our kids are learning about healthy responsibility in that early pre-school age, authentic apology from those of us in power is so essential. When we model true remorse and apology with a change in behavior (ie: I’m sorry, how can I help?) we are giving our kids power in our households and modeling not only how to apologize but how to be in equitable relationship. Thanks!
My relationship with my 17 year old son is strained , he is very independent and self sufficient since I have never gotten child support. My son thinks he is in charge of me, doesn’t listen to me,puts me down. I hear it gets better when their about 20, God I hope so…I do love him but I can’t stand to be around him lately.
Excellent post except it is more difficult if you are a single parent especially when it happened not of your choosing (death). A 32 yo, a 30 yo and a 16 and 15 yo all in different stages of grieving. Raising two teens, managing a household, running a business and homeschooling is not for the faint of heart. God Bless us all because in this culture we definitely need His blessings every day.
I needed this today! Thank you. Its nice to know your not alone in the struggles of parenting! And there are many.
I’m not alone thank you !
I just want to say Thank You. You can always tell there is good parenting when you teach the children. I was a public school teacher for 32 years and was fortunate to have children out of homes like yours. Good parenting leads to a want-to-learn attitude in school. I enjoyed every minute of my career because of parents like you.
I enjoyed reading this post and well….most of the responses. Over the past 26 years, I have had some great parenting moments and some truly bad ones. What kept me going was remembering that my job is to raise kids who will grow up to be adults who demonstrate integrity and that my own will still be in tact when I am done. I believe it’s supposed to be hard.
You are SO right! I used to wonder how parents just didn’t care, didn’t parent, didn’t discipline. Now I know. It is so much easier to not care. It is easier to not get after your kids to do the right thing. It is exhausting trying to raise good kids. So, way to go!!!! I completely get it, and anybody that’s attempting to do this parenting thing right gets it too. Keep it up!
Oh my goodness, I needed to read this. God gives us what we need when we need it, right? Thank you.
I am so thankful to have seen this today! As a step-mom to a 12 year old who has only recently come to live with us I sometimes feel like I’m just not doing enough or not doing it right. I have to frequently check my patience levels (and my blood pressure) and some nights I just want to cry myself to sleep from sheer exhaustion but I keep on. I grow weary of the heavy sighs, the eye rolling and the out of control hormones most days but we keep on praying and hoping and looking for the next bright day. Thank you!!
Liking this book right now.http:
//www.amazon.com/The-Whole-Brain-Child-Revolutionary-Strategies/dp/1491514817
Gives kind of a framework for making those “difficult moments” with kids turn into opportunities for connecting and sharing.
I disagree with the premise that good parenting has to be difficult. Locate and read a book by Dr. Ken West, Parenting Without Guilt. It is hard to find as it is out of print, but it will change your life. Read it and put the techniques into practice and it will change your parenting (in a very good way) forever.
I was once told “If they like you all the time, you aren’t doing your job.” This took me back for a moment but you know, it’s completely accurate. So when they get mad, yell that they hate you, just smile and say calmly “I can live with that.”
I work at a Transitional Behavioral school. Where the majority of students come from very rough home environments and usually, the root of their problems is how they have been raised and the lack of parenting skills by guardians. There is no right or wrong way to parent, but educating a new parent on ups and downs of parenting, learning that saying “No” is okay, and steps of keeping the family as a whole would definitely benefit everybody. Starting from scratch, when parents are new would give them and their children a positive step forward into this crazy, wonderful world. And, just maybe, put me out of a job! Thanks for putting your information out there. It reminds me that I AM NOT a mean mom.
Thank you for reminding me that we aren’t the only ones going through this. Many many days are hard, but we keep trudging forward trying to remind ourselves that God put this child in our lives for a reason. He loves her as much as we do, and is trying to teach us something through all this, just as we are trying to teach her.
This is SPOT ON and so brutally honest. Thank you for speaking truth, especially about family and parenting. So many people make us feel like that’s the magic bubble where it’s all supposed to be happiness and light, then we feel like a failure when our home doesn’t reflect that every moment of every day. This was a breath of fresh air…Reblogged yesterday on riddlefromthemiddle.com.
Amen, sister.
Thank you for this, its always nice to be reminded that this is hard and anything good in life usually is. Also, you inspired a blog post of my own that I tagged back to this post. Thank you! 🙂
“Parenting is hard. Especially when you’re doing it right.”
This blog is now replacing my need to see a therapist! (My friends think I need to).
This quote explains why I am so upset, hurt, frustrated, doubtful, tired, and full of angst most of the time.
The other one I like is, “Parenting upstream in a downstream world.” It so accurately describes how I feel most of the time.
Keep up the good work, Kristen!
Wow, this is so good. I just had a very rough day yesterday and just wanted to give up. The crazy thing is we all deal with these times as mothers, but we think we are all alone and something is wrong with us when we experience these times. Great post, thanks!
You are on the right track. At 64, I still have a teenager at home ( and a 21 y o.) You are not alone. God calls us to be godly parents, not perfect. The more the culture diverges from Christian principles, the more tussles we can expect with our kids, because many of them sense that tug so keenly. I wish I could sit with you over a cup of coffee– I bet we have a lot of similar stories. We need to keep hope in God, and kept praying, that He is working in their hearts.
Good post!
I am overwhelmed with gratitude for your infinite craft unwavering support and friendship.
It captures the raw emotions, doubts, and perseverance that come with trying to raise children in a world that often pulls in the opposite direction. The honesty about mistakes, the acknowledgment of tears and struggles, and the emphasis on love and grace resonate deeply.
Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about showing up, even on the hardest days, and loving fiercely through the mess. The reminder that the “right road is bumpy” is both grounding and uplifting. This is a beautiful testament to the fact that the hard work of parenting, though painful at times, is a sign of doing it with purpose and heart. It encourages all parents to keep going, knowing the struggles are a reflection of the depth of their care and commitment.