I was surrounded by the sound of hundreds of worshipers and I was having a hard time even opening my mouth to sing a word.
It had been a rough parenting week and we had fallen prey to the fight-on-the-way-to-church trap. I couldn’t quite shake the memory of my child’s angry words or the way I’d reacted to them. I was disappointed for both of us.
But we put on our smiles and walked into church and I wondered what other families were pretending to be okay, too. Just because you can’t see a parent struggling doesn’t mean they aren’t. As the music played, my nails dug into my palms as I fought tears and fretted about this parenting cycle I keep finding myself in: hurting people hurt people.
An unfamiliar sound broke my self-absorbed inner dialogue and that’s when I noticed the wheelchair parked in the row in front of me. I didn’t recognize the family-a mom and dad and a handicapped daughter. The teen girl was playfully trying to put the mom’s jacket hood over her head. I marveled at the mom’s patience in the distraction, even though she seemed weary.
The daughter started thrashing in her chair and I couldn’t help but notice how her parents served and lovingly tended to her. They quietly and expertly worked to add liquid to her feeding tube and held it in the air while the nourishment flowed into their daughter’s body. And they never stopped singing.
I closed my eyes and let the song wash over me.
You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me
The lyrics found their mark and I opened my watering eyes.
But it wasn’t the words or my own pain that broke the dam within me, it was the way the parents in front me, wheelchair between them, threw their arms into the air and sang the chorus with abandon, in total surrender:
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
I was so moved by their worship to God it was all I could do not to sob. I didn’t know if they were praising because of what they had been through or praying for what was coming; I didn’t know if they were in the middle of their pain or on the other side of it. But I knew in my gut they hurt for their child. Because that’s what we do.
We hurt for our kids.
My husband stood next to me, wiping his eyes. He had also witnessed the act of love and gave me a knowing look.
The crazy thing about pain is there’s not always tell-tale signs or a measurement stick to judge its depth. Someone can look at my family and think we’ve got it all together on one of our worst days. I wondered at the hard road these parents had walked and the uncertain one ahead. Imagining this family’s journey didn’t change mine, but it was the perspective I needed to praise God when parenting is hard. Especially then. Because there is always something to be grateful for.
I wiped my eyes and thought about some sage parenting advice a friend gave me once, “One minute your kids will make your day and the next they will break your heart. Both are normal and one helps us appreciate the other more.”
I don’t know what kind of parenting day (month or year) you’re having. Maybe your kids are making your day (I hope so. Mine often do!) Or maybe their choices or their situation is sort of breaking your heart. Maybe you’ve got a hurting kid; maybe your hurting child has hurt you or maybe it’s a little of both. Perhaps you’re frantic with worry or fear over this symptom, this situation, this season–this prayer is for you:
God,
Some days are just hard. And I need you. Most people don’t know how badly I’m hurting or maybe the just don’t know what to say. But you see me. You know me.
And you know how hard this is.
When I feel alone, you are here.
When I am scared, you comfort me.
When I am weary, you give me rest.
When my arms are empty, you hold me in your arms.
When the storm is out of control, you tell it to be quiet.
When I am ungrateful, you show me what I have.
When I am hurting, you hurt, too.
You love my children more than I do.
And I trust that you will redeem this hard place.
You are constant.
You are only good.
You are Sovereign.
You never forget about me or forsake me.
Thank you for my children. They are a gift from you.
Amen.
Come to me all who weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
Thank you so much for this. I had a very similar experience just this morning.. just this weekend. Sometimes the pain just leaves you numb… but then your kid giggles and you forget. Ha. Parenting. Anyway, this touched me. Thank you.
This is just beautiful! Thanks for your words.
I have two children with ADHD. There are days that I don’t know if I am coming or going. The pain inside is almost unbearable and I just want to throw in the towel. Thank you for these words and sharing. Praise the Lord for being so good to us!
This was me yesterday for sure. Praying with you for moments of connection and fun with kids who can often bring out the worst part of me. You’re not alone!
So beautiful.
I too saw that sweet family, I felt an overwhelming joy watching them tend to that precious girl. You took the words right out of my mouth! Hugs my sister in Christ!
This is a simple beautiful prayer that says it all.
Kristen,
I cannot tell you how many times over the past couple of years that God has used you to encourage my wife and me! We have been in the ministry for almost two decades, and have two boys, ages 12 and 14. Your posts definitely resonate with us, and we can relate with many parenting situations that you have mentioned! Thank you for being so honest! We have told many others about your blog, and have been able to share encouraging thoughts and advice with them based on observations and suggestions you have posted. Once again this morning, I teared up reading this post. It is exactly what I needed for today! Our God is so great, and I am thankful that you are allowing him to use you!
With tears in my eyes I can only say, Thank you…. and God Bless You.
IT is a hard road right now….and yes, I am learning to form the habit of turning to God for everything..and have the patience it WILL work out for the better if I wait for God to do this in his time.
Thanks for being so real. It’s so comforting to know that I’m not alone in this journey. There definitely are those days where I feel like a complete failure. It continues to amaze me how forgiving and how easily little children can forget things that could have been hurtful. I believe its all an incredible gift of grace from God. Thanks for sharing!
Amen.
I have a hurting child. There’s little I can do to help him. I pray constantly. This post did not come up in my newsfeed by chance. God knew I needed to read this.
I have never been on this blog before, but God somehow lead me here today. Your post moved me to tears. I have 3 kids and they are completely healthy and happy for the most part, but I struggle with teaching them about God and how much He loves us. I feel so much guilt all the time thinking that I’m not doing enough to encourage them in their walk with Christ. I feel like we have a “perfect” life, so why on earth am I struggling with all these little things? Thank you for your words and that beautiful prayer and for closing with my all time favorite Bible verse. God wanted me to hear this today.
Thank you so much. I needed this for my struggle. My son hurts emotionally. I struggle physically and emotionally. Lately have lessoned my connection with God for being hurt. Thank you for opening up yourself, being vulnerable, so you can help us. I will reach out for the Lord again. I will envision those parents, raising their hands towards him.
I just stumbled upon this prayer. **Sigh** I totally know it was His hand that led me here. Our family is going through a very rough, very stressful time right now and we have no idea how things are going to shake out. I keep looking at my right foot where my Let Go ~ Let God tattoo is. Then I remind myself that I only need to get through the day minute by minute if necessary.
Thank you for your prayer.
Oh Kristen, thank you so much for sharing this again. It’s hard to convey through a blog comment how very much I needed to hear these words today. It’s been such a hard, hard year with my teenage daughter. She has gone through the most horrible, devastating year of her life, and as mom, it has left me feeling utterly helpless, weary to my core, and like a 100% complete failure. Thank you for including in your prayer, “I trust that You will redeem this hard place.” That is so much my prayer – that God will heal, restore, and redeem this season for her good and His glory. Thank you.
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