I skipped church last Sunday with one of my kids.
Because sometimes it’s more sacred to sacrifice what you should do for what you need to do.
So, we did something important: we stayed in our pajamas and divided up the secret chocolate stash and we talked.
I think I needed the quiet and space as much as my kid did.
I waited and resisted the urge to fill up the silence.
After some chatting, this came out: “Sometimes I just want to know why you’re so hard on me? Some days everything is hard- school, life, friends, and home.”
It wasn’t an easy thing to hear.
But I couldn’t deny it or make light of the question. Because my child was absolutely right. I am hard on my kids. I expect a lot. I require more than some parents. I am many things to my kids–I love them fiercely, forgive them readily, believe in them wholeheartedly, but I also expect a lot of them.
I could make things easier. I could see all the homework my kids bring home and not ask for their help with dinner. I could give them more money instead of making them work for most of what I give them. I could rush to their side every time they forget something and fix their problems so they don’t struggle. I could sit in an hour carline everyday because they don’t like riding the bus. I could make their life a lot easier.
But if my goal was to make their life easy, I wouldn’t be the mom I’m called to be. It’s my job to prepare my kids for life and the future. And if I turn everything they think is hard into an easier road, I haven’t done either.
I don’t know what life or the future will bring my kids, but I can almost guarantee it won’t always be easy.
There will probably be heartache and struggle and pain mixed with joy, achievement and uncertainty. And even more likely? I won’t be able to protect them from any of it.
Last week, I read this disturbing article about why millennials are getting fired. One of the main reasons is that young adults want their bosses to be their parents. And I think that probably stems from parents who were afraid to be their children’s bosses. The other culprits were blamed on a lack of hard work and a desire to be happy all the time.
And then another article took the Internet by storm from a pediatrician who said, “A parent’s job is to teach children right from wrong, teach them the meaning of life and keep their children safe. In doing that job, you’re going to do a lot of things a child won’t approve of and not understand,” he said. Sometimes, you have to be the bad guy.”
He goes on to say “parents should focus on helping children develop skills such as self-control, humility and conscientiousness, meaning they think of people other than themselves. Those things are the biggest predictors of future success in adulthood, he said, not education or affluence.”
I gave my child sitting across from me a compassionate look because in my heart I want her life to be easy, but in my gut easiest isn’t always best. If I make everything in my children’s childhood easy, what will happen when life gets hard?
Because life will get hard. And some seasons will be harder than they can imagine.
And if I’ve prepared them to dig in their heels when things don’t go their way and develop grit to withstand life’s storm and ultimately helped them to turn to God instead of me, I’ve fulfilled my calling as their mother.
And that’s why I won’t give my kids an easy life.
Thanks for this! Now I don’t feel so bad being such a strict mom! Ha! I agree we do need to become the mom they need for them to grow into responsible adults, prepared in every way for this world!
This. This is why people think my 15 yr old son is older. Why he is offered jobs. Why people comment on his maturity. Why the owner of the restaurant in which he works puts him in charge of the buffet line for holidays. Why people toss their car keys at him and ask him to move their cars, only to be told he’s not even old enough to hold a learner’s permit. Because life IS hard. Because his dad, my beloved husband, died at 42, when our son was 21 months old. Because it has been he and me against the world, and I have done my best to teach him how to navigate it, not always taking the helm and steering the ship that is our life. He has seen me fail at things, to cry out to God, to pick up the pieces and force myself to move on, to course adjust in the midst of a storm, to laugh, to cry and to pray. Together. To work, HARD, for something you want. To have to WAIT, at other times, because, although we live in a microwave-fast, instant gratification world, THAT is NOT our reality. Because I have been tasked by God with raising this human to be an ADULT, not a perpetual, petulant adolescent. Thank you for your wise words!
Great job mom! Loved hearing your viewpoint…it has to be rough but you are raising a great man for society…keep up the good work!!
This is the best article I’ve read in a very long time; full of common sense and wisdom. Your article is a MUST READ, and quite frankly, a MUST DO, for every parent and grandparent, regardless the age of their child.
God bless you for writing it! One day you will be able to look back and think, “I’m so glad I did that”, and enjoy the fruits of your wise decision.
Glenda B.
59 years old, mother of 2, grandmother of 6
I was very Strict single parent!! Of 3 boys No man around to help my ex died at 49. it was Very Hard for me
There is such a fine line here. With 6 young adults and with a conservative background, I offer this; the more you expect from them, the more grace and mercy you must give. Your parenting is shaping their veiw of God.
I think that my background is also conservative. There was a lot expected of my sister and I. But although our parents have been married for 58 years, and we went to church every Sunday and youth group in high school, and I have no doubt that I was saved as a young child, I eventually realized that I’d held God at arm’s length for decades because of what was portrayed to me by my mom about who God is. My sister and I now know that we automatically gravitated towards the men we married because they have many of the same characteristics that our Dad has. Dad was the safe parent. I had decided when I was 15 that if or when I had kids, I was not going to raise them as she was raising me. I finally realized, and needed help as I struggled to accept & come to terms with the reality, that all those so-called little things I was supposed to ignore (according to Mom) really did add up to abusive patterns. Nearly 25 years after the initial decision to raise my kids better than I’d been raised, I finally told my mother that her God is a small minded cosmic bully who is always ready to bash you with His baseball bat the second you step out of (mom’s) line. I don’t think I expected that statement to be well received, but I was trying to somehow get through to her that the God she portrayed to me is not who God really is. Of course Mom condemned me & scolded me about my irreverence. without once pausing for reflection on what I was saying. It took a life-threatening illness and some visions I would never have asked for to show me that God is entirely different & completely separate from what my mom says & how she believes. I could write a book… parts of it would be extremely painful… but I did succeed in following Dad’s example in raising our kids. We did expect a lot of them, and they are continuing the pattern.
Oh my word – upon reading this,
I felt like you were writing about my childhood! Religious legalisms from my youth are still affecting me ability to connect with God in the way I would like. I too had trouble admitting that my mom (and to a lesser extent Dad, because he was rarely home from working) was emotionally abusive. I’m glad you were able to voice your position, even if the recipient can’t hear it.
So, so much, this. Thank you
amen to that.
This was a good article. I, for one, have to “pause” before I make a call as a parent. If I just go by my feelings, I may be more willing to give in but if I remember my “calling” as mom and remember the Lord equipped me for this duty as mother, I want to please Him as well as equipping my children for their future in this society. I like how the mom took the time and really shared with her child the reality and didn’t just give a “pat” answer like “because that’s life”. I think this is where the disconnect happens in parenting. Really appreciated the article.
Great article – 100% agree – just curious though – how did you answer her?
I would like to know, as well.
I answered my child with the truth–just as I mentioned above. I’m hard on you because life isn’t easy and I’m trying to prepare you.
Beautifully said and exactly what my husband and I attempt to do as well. I have told my daughter I know that I am hard on her and it isn’t because I don’t love her or want her to be miserable, but it is because I know that she is capable of so very much!
I was hoping to hear your reply to your child. I just had this conversation with my 9yo. I had asked him what would make me a better mom (did I get that from your writing too?); and he replied that he did not want me to be so hard on him. I told him to think of something else because God has called m to be hard on him. Any further suggestions?
I received my shipping confirmation today–can’t wait to get the book!!
I absolutely love this article! You have said what everyone needs to know. I hope as I continue to raise my children that I can train them for real life, not the easy road. Thank you for writing this and I hope I can read your book real soon.
After a particular heartbreaking moment with my daughter tonight, I needed to read this. Thank you for continuing to share your heart, with us.
Fantastic! You go girl! Loved this post! Would love to connect!
Thank you for this reminder of what my job is to be. I think I’m failing in it because I tend to do too much for my kids. I grew up in a home where I wasn’t protected so I tend to default in over-protecting my kids. Thank you for this post.
I am thankful and feel blessed to be a pastor in a church where many parents understand what you are saying and attempt to live it out. I also understand that many of our parents struggle against the “i need you to be best friend” mentality.
Parenting for men and women has never been easier and each misspoken word and wrong action proves that it has never been a science but a journey.
I wished the author had skipped one more dinner out or skipped basketball practice to have had this epiphany but that is not the point of this appreciated and well worded piece. And it could be that i am simply jealous that i don’t get to skip church!
Thank you for the writing.
clearly a early morning typo….”has never been easy”
Same I always said I wanted my children to become independent, responsible adults. That meant sometimes more than I wanted I had to be the “”bad guy”. Today they are all adults with children of their own and they are grateful.
Love this! A great reminder of our roles as a PARENT.
Excellent! And I’m totally on the “hard mom train” with you. I’m sending this blog to my children and my husband. We talk a lot about humility, leadership, gratefulness, God, His will and more. I’m blessed that my children are listening and putting it all into practice. When they don’t, that’s when it gets “hard”. But they are learning. And with one ready to graduate from high school and my last one entering it…I’m confident that our daughter will thrive in her next phase of life. The other two are will do just as well. Love hard and give grace.
I love the encouraging reminders I get from your blog to “stick with it”. I know the truth of the things you write about, and yet when one is in the trenches of parenting, it can be really hard to keep walking those out. Coming here is like a boost of “You’re doing the right thing! Keep doing it!” Thanks so much for your writing!
My mom was very strict with my sister and myself and we grew up to be fine adults. I see nothing wrong with a strict upbringing. As a matter of fact kids are not raised the right way anymore and it reflects in the way they behave as adults.
Life will get harder, and I’m sure your children will deal with the hardship better than their peers.
My parents were really strict and we grew up knowing that we have to hustle to get what we want. I’m trying to instill this value in my kids. Sometimes it does leads to weird questions such as ‘why can’t you be like so and so’s mom?’…
This is helpful. We are at the beginning of the discipline journey. Our eldest is two, so we are just figuring out how to develop his character and make the right decisions for him. My heart wants to make life easy for him, but you’re right, we need to prepare him for life’s hardships so that he’s driven to Jesus.
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Oh my gosh, I feel like such an idiot. I knew you “liked” the “Raising Grateful Kids In an Entitled World” book but honestly didn’t know you literally wrote the book until those post. I never put it together somehow! lol I love your book AND your blog. It’s not an easy path to take at all but is so worth it when you look at the direction the rest of the world seems to be going. Thank you so much for your work.
This article is incredible! I play the interesting, colorful, challenging, and sometimes daunting role of stepparent, so I am always looking for parenting advice. I relate to this so much because my parents were conservative, and manners and hard work were a staple in my childhood. Thank you so much for the wisdom and encouragement!
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What happens if your 17 year old is now struggling with anxiety because we haven’t parented well and been strict and life falling apart for him when he has to do things on his own??? Xx now I feel I’ve failed enoursmously at this parenting lark ??
Thanks for finally talking about >Why I Won't Give My Kids An Easy Life – Kristen Welch <Liked it!
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