Sometimes you fall down, because there is something down there that you are supposed to find. -Anonymous
When the floor beneath us figuratively and collectively disappeared two years ago, I spent most of my time just trying to stay afloat, afoot, around.
I feel like I’ve been crawling around on the floor in the dark–hands out reaching in the unseen and unknown, feeling, not finding. Months have turned to years, waiting, wondering, worrying, wishing for a normal that has been lost forever.
My last book, Made to Move Mountains was born at the beginning of a pandemic and I find that ironic because I’ve done more hanging on for dear life while dangling off the cliff, than actual climbing or mountain moving.
As you know, playing live characters in a living history book, while its unfolding, is exhausting.
I haven’t had words for so long and I’ve wondered if I would ever find them again. I only have streams of consciousness now, a tangle of messy heart and soul.
Social media, with its influencers and irritating filters, is still trying to make everything pretty even in the wake of our mutual grief. Scrolling feeds now makes me angry and sad. We consume and maybe don’t even know we are being consumed and still feel empty after an Insta hit? I’m glad I don’t know how to grow a following anymore. I’m just trying to follow Jesus.
My youngest, now 15, said wistfully a couple of months ago, “Our best last year was 2019.” The truth of her words made me sad. We talked about finding the good even in the bad. Before I could assure her and promise everything would be okay, Russia invaded Ukraine and our friends began running for their lives as we’ve observed a painful play-by-play. I was thankful I didn’t offer platitudes that would ring hollow.
Maybe nothing will ever be okay again? I don’t know.
Fifteen years ago, I met my first Russian-speaking refugee friends and they greatly influenced the start of Mercy House Global. When mutual friends became refugees in Ukraine this month, we looked for a way to respond, a way to give, a way to come together as a community and walk in obedience.
Last Thursday, I was standing with my refugee friends preparing to raise money for Ukraine when the second story floor began to collapse under our feet. As we fell, we clung to each other, immediately prayed and slowly, carefully moved to safety.
There was no doubt this was a spiritual attack and I’ve thought of this truth by Lisa Bevere so many times since, “Obedience is the highest form of spiritual warfare.” There was also no denying we should continue moments after the collapse with our fundraising plan for Ukraine. More than $100,000 has gone to assist our thousands and thousands in Ukraine–thank you, God.
Together we’ve been walking through a storm —tossed and turned in different directions. But here’s the thing about storms: they make roots stronger.
Often when we feel buried, we discover we have actually been planted. God is in the darkness where we are growing, even when we can’t see a thing. “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:18
“Be obedient even when you do not know where obedience may lead you,” Sinclair Ferguson. We never know when the floor under our feet may fail. But it’s in the falling, we might just find our way.
I still don’t know what comes next, but I’m discovering that falling feels a lot like flying.
Sammy Allen says
Thank you for that.
John says
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John says
They are doing a great job by raising the funds for ukraine and also contributed.
Sarah M. says
Amen!!!! No weapon formed against us shall prosper!!!!
Leslie White says
Kristen,
Friday, March 4, I sat with you on a couch in a living room very full of newly arrived refugees. In a very unsafe area of town. You glanced at your phone and quietly said something like, “It’s being condemned. Everyone has to leave, NOW.” And then you joined the conversation and drank tea and smiled at the new faces before you.
Grace under pressure? You bet. The two of us sitting on either side of us knew what you had just learned and yet, your priority at that moment, was to be the hands and feet of Jesus to this new family of 10.
Dangling off a cliff, or multiple cliffs at a time: BRING IT! No fear because we know the One who is holding on to the very tips of our fingers.
Sandi says
Jesus is always with us, even in the darkness of evil!! It’s there He holds our hand the tightest 🙏. We can have the peace He promises when we keep our eyes on Him. Thank you for the post💓💓💓
Lisa H says
For the Christian, we must learn to turn our impatience into trust, and our fear of the future into quiet acceptance of God’s will, because our lives are in His hands. -Rev. Billy Graham Just breathe…Thank you for sharing this. Good Bless…
Rita says
Kristen, these are good words. Thanks, Keep hanging on!
Rita says
I get the spiritual oppression part of this, but am not able to sort out the figurative and the literal part of the floor collapse. It might be my tbi, but some comments about the evacuation that was needed and your comments about falling, etc. leave me guessing. Please clarify.
Melanie McKinley says
Wow. Powerful first words. Thank you for your humble transparent heart. I’m right there with you sister. I literally just felt your heart hug mine as we go fumbling around in the dark. Being obedient. One blind step at a time.
Mary Stockton says
Thank you for sharing. 💔
funny shooter 2 says
Jesus is with us at all times, even when we are in the midst of terrible things!! It is at such moments when He grips our hands with the greatest force.
Comeback Alive says
Ukraine is currently at war and thousands of innocent people are dying, who simply lived in their own country and did their usual things.
Alicent Jenner says
The day the floor gave way—captivating and suspenseful storytelling that kept me on the edge of my seat. Gripping read!
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Your honesty about struggling to find words is refreshing.
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I appreciate your candid acknowledgment of the difficulty in expressing oneself at times. It’s refreshing to encounter such honesty. This sentiment fosters an environment where genuine communication is valued, making interactions more meaningful. Thank you for your refreshing perspective.
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Even amidst the most dreadful circumstances, Jesus remains by our side, holding our hands with unwavering strength.
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