I walked into a coffee shop for an all-day meeting two weeks ago and I was barely holding it together.
The last couple of months have felt like a furnace of spiritual warfare. It has been a lot of small trials and a couple of big ones. Heat like that can either consume us or force us to look for God in the fire.
“Suffering isn’t an interruption to what God is doing. Suffering is what God is doing,” Ruth Schwenk said.
I walked towards the counter to order coffee and nearly ran into an old friend who knew something about warfare and fires. She asked how I was doing and I burst into tears.
I told her I was waiting. . .
For 39 days exactly to learn if one of my children had cancer.
It’s a kind of fire that will burn up a mother with worry and fear, no matter how old our kids get.
This friend had walked a very similar road with her daughter and she pulled me into her arms and we cried together and then wordlessly, she took off her leather cuff bracelet and pulled at my wrist to put it on me.
I looked down at it and the bracelet had one word engraved on it: wait.
“You’re not waiting alone. I’ve worn this since I was waiting on a doctor to call too. You wear it until you get your answer,” she said.
Have you ever had those moments when God came so near that you could feel Him whispering in your ear while the flames licked at your heels? Me too.
I went upstairs to my meeting and tucked this hug from God close to my heart.
Four hours later, in the middle of dreaming up marketing for Mercy House Global, I got a call that the long-awaited results were in. Good or bad, the waiting was about to end or begin again. My co-workers and friends prayed with me and I went downstairs and hid in the bathroom to hear the news.
My child on the other end of the phone was recovery from an invasive procedure and I didn’t know what God was doing.
It’s not been the first time though. Actually, for the past 13 years of leading a non-profit, I have cried out, “God, what are you doing?” When one of our maternity homes burned down in 2021, when we lost our beloved home base in 2022 and fell into financial strain six months later…God, what are you doing?”
I physically shook in that bathroom and I waited for the words on the other end of the phone:
Negative. Benign for cancer. I wept hard.
“God, I don’t know what you’re doing…” I dried my tears, opened the door and my bracelet friend was still there. I quietly walked up to her table and put the bracelet back on her wrist so she could, “Share it with another friend who is waiting. Today, I got my answer.”
Relief doesn’t begin to describe what we continue to feel.
But God wasn’t done.
After a dinner to celebrate, there was a letter in the mail. No one knew the details of the surgery my child had just had, but inside the beautiful letter of obedience was a check for the exact (large) amount of the co-pay.
Who is this God?! He knows what we need even before we ask. In this season of suffering and waiting, He has been with us every step of the way.
We cried again (sobbed, really). To be held by God –in the middle of a fire– is a warmth that cannot be denied.
Jesus is in the fire, friends. We aren’t promised a fireproof life. Suffering and hardship are the cost of following Him and don’t let anyone tell you differently.
And while we may not ever understand the why of the trials, we can trust that He is close in the middle of them–and maybe this is the why? Maybe, just maybe, the fire pushes us closer to God and there’s no better place to be than within a breath’s distance…in a raging furnace.
Standing in the hallway of my home two weeks ago, crying ugly tears over a negative diagnosis and surprise provision, and a family group hug, I felt God whisper, “You may not know what I’m doing, but you know what I have done.”
I thought of all the unknowns, risks and challenges ahead that will terrify me if I let them. But God has already won the battles we are fighting–the ones we don’t even know are coming and this truth gives us hope for whatever may come tomorrow.
We may not know what He is doing, but we can face it because we know what He has already done.
Thank you so much for this awesome reminder that we have a God who meets real needs in real ways. He’s met me too, in those dark and tired moments, and somehow I had forgotten and strayed. Thank you for being an instrument bringing me back to bask in the glory that is our God!
Good word. Thanks for the encouragement.
Wow, Kristen, Had no idea you were enduring this. Praise God for the negative result. May he continue to hold your family in the midst of many trials, “[considering] it all joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance complete its work, so that you may be complete and whole, lacking in nothing.” Sending you hugs!
Beautiful; ABBA Father’s answer!! Encouraging to my soul; Your faith & your honesty💖
How long has it been since I heard one of those miracles where God provides so specifically. Too long. Thank you for reminding me that God is active and here and blowing us away with His love, even here on earth!
As a mom who received the opposite news for her 30 year old daughter, then her sister, I am proof that God would have sustained you the very same way He has during these last few very, very, very tough trials you have endured.
My youngest will be having a complete hysterectomy at age 38 this Friday, and had a preventative mastectomy when she was 30 because of her sister’s diagnosis.
God is bigger than all our needs, and has been in this journey every step of the way!!
I never get tired of hearing of God’s provision. Thank you for this testimony. xoxo
Thank you fir sharing your heart, your suffering,
Your words and HIS loving provisions.
So encouraged by your beautiful testimony! What a wonderful, gracious God we serve. He is blessing your faithful obedience.
Well, you have done it again. The tears are flowing obstructing my vision as i read and re-read your testimony of God’s goodness. One reason is that I just received a very unexpected and generous financial blessing.
Thank you for your love for and dedication to our Lord and Savior.
So thankful for the good report from the doctor.
Keep on keeping on. You are such a blessing and inspiration.
Hugs and many blessings.
Mary Stephens
P.S. Please forgive and typos. I can’t seems to stop the steady steam of tears.
This is so powerful and beautiful! I’m so glad to hear that your family is ok. Thank you for sharing this!
Kristen,
I didn’t know you were going through this. As a mama of a cancer survivor reading your story took me back. It is so hard in the waiting. Praying healing for your precious family. It causes some trama that will come up at times.
So needed. Rejoicing with you. Big big hugs. Love you guys!
Thank you for this <3 I needed it!
What a beautiful reminder that God is still working miracles today! He is aware of everything we are going through and even though trials we face, we can trust in Him that they are for our good.
What a good and inspiring word! God is still God today and is still working miracles! Blessings and Peace!
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If you do not know what God is doing how the hell do you know what he has done?
Kristen’s story is one of hope, resilience, Tunnel Rush and unwavering faith in the face of adversity.
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