I’m on my way to Summit in Kentucky. I’m emotionally exhausted-the perfect place for God to speak and renew. I’ll be helping out at the blogger meet-up, speaking on a panel about advocating as a busy mom and representing Mercy House. I’ll share more with you in the next couple of days.
Come visit the Mercy House table!
The last few weeks have been hard. A friend emailed me these words “You are doing mighty, dangerous work, and he’s got you on his radar and you can count on us to be your prayer warriors. Jesus ever lives to make intercession for us, and our voices will join His, and our Father hears.” I appreciate your prayers-Maureen appreciates them, too. They are making a difference.
After I walked my youngest into her preschool class, a teacher asked me how Maureen was doing.
I didn’t know what to say. A few sentences explaining her grief seemed trite. “Please pray” was all I could manage, remembering the day before when Maureen and I stared at each other over Skype and watched each other cry.
Sometimes there just aren’t words for the aching of the soul.
And then she said, “I’ve been wanting to ask you: How do you go about your every day life with such a heavy burden? Raising kids, your family…knowing that so many suffer.”
Tears welled. Spilling over.
“I don’t handle it very well,” I said. “I struggle.”
I told her of my own 4 year old who refused dinner, whining and complaining about the choices. Half an hour before, I read about a 4 year old, starving to death, unable to walk with swollen, worm-ridden feet.
Struggle
I told her of the painful heaviness that comes from seeing extreme poverty at such a personal level coupled with the ultimate gladness that comes from loving, living and learning with my husband and precious children. Sorrow and joy and I’ve forgotten how compartmentalize; it all runs together, the laughter and tears.
Struggle
I told her how I’ve forgotten how to be carefree.
I swiped tears and remembered my place in her classroom. I mumbled an apology. She said kindly, “Now I know how to pray for you.”
I walk away, too broken to even be embarrassed.
I think of all the things I didn’t say: How unwelcome tears fall when least expected, how satan pummels me with doubt, how fear suffocates me and how inadequacy is a constant companion, how I fight bitterness.
How I carry a deep, abiding sadness that is hard to shake. The knowing is almost unbearable. How I try to balance this online space that I love between easy words and hard ones like these.
Back at home, I find a place, the one that beckons me to knees. I know what I need to do when the burden gets too heavy.
I give it to Him.
He gives us a glimpse into His heart, broken for His people. But when it becomes too much, He lovingly says,
Come to me all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
And today, you may carry a heavy burden. One that suffocates and closes in–an illness, a sick child, a lost job, unspoken words you only utter to Him….
Give it to God. His shoulders are broad enough to bare the weight.
He cares for you.
“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” — Psalm 34:18
———–
I’m so thankful for the support of my real life community group and blog friends like Maegan for their help! Maegan lives in Louisville, Kentucky and set up the Mercy House table for me! Y’all should read her blog.
I cry with you, for the pain in this world and the burden it brings. Thnak you for the beautiful hope in those verses. A good reminder. I pray that you both will feel God’s nearness in this time of sorrow and I mourn with you as you mourn.
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, but I don’t think I’ve ever commented. I work for a nonprofit, and I understand the burden. Some days I see so much cruelty, so much depravity and evil, and I don’t know how I could ever possibly hope to make a difference or change anything. You are doing such amazing work, and I can only imagine the added burden you feel of struggling to raise a family while dealing with so much else (I don’t have kids).
I’m not a religious person at all – I consider myself to be spiritual, but I really just can’t get into organized religion. Usually I’m happy with my choices and my own spirituality, but reading posts like this I have to admit – I am a little jealous of your faith. I’m glad you have a higher power to turn your burden over to – and it sounds like you also have a great support system in your community.
Maureen is in my thoughts this week, as are you. I wish you all the best of luck in your journey, and I’ll be pulling for you.
Your struggles of “opposites” remind me of II Corinthians 4:7-12. Maybe those words can be an encouragement for you at this stage.
When words are not nearly enough…
I’m praying for all of you. And doing what I can to help share the weight of the burden.
I too struggle all the time with how to balance living in a culture of so much, but being acutely aware of how thankful we need should daily be to be so blessed. I will commit to praying for you and Maureen in the coming days and weeks. You have (unknowingly) encouraged me with my marriage. The least I can do for you is to lift you up in prayer at a time when you feel exhausted. May the Lord bless you for the work you are doing. XOXO
My heart goes out to you! I will pray for Maureen and for you. Remember that God works miracles in the heart–he is big enough to comfort those in abject poverty, as well as he comforts us, who lives with abundance. He does not give as the world gives. We need to share our hearts, our prayers, and our resources, but we have to guard against losing our joy. It is so easy to fall into despair, when we see contrasts this shocking, pain this deep…..but God pens the stories. We have to trust Him as author and know that he is big enough to comfort even those who hunger and thirst daily and lose loved ones from preventable diseases. We are all just passing through here, and this world brings depths of despair to all. God offers joy to all–rich and poor, sick and well. Don’t we believe that? We must trust it–however hard it is to comprehend. When we lose our joy over abject poverty, are we feeling that God has made a mess of things? That he isn’t doing enough–loving enough? He gave us a role to play–love, comfort, give–but he never meant for that role to steal our joy away. I know that you know all this. I am not telling you anything new–just maybe reminding, if I may?. Suffering with those who suffer needn’t mean the loss of joy. Our joy comes from union with Him. He is enough for us all.
I read something today that Sally Clarkson (www.itakejoy.com) quoted from her cab driver, who moved to America from the Dominican Republic:
I work hard in America to support my family. I have 7 children. But maybe life is really better in the Dominican Republic. It is beautiful and splendid and colorful and fresh, and I can watch the sun rise and spread over the land. I always have a friend or someone from my family who will live and enjoy life with me, just to spend life together. We may not have much to eat, but we really live and celebrate life.
Seems in America, you have lots of stuff, but you always work, come home watch tv, go to bed and then the same thing all over again. You never have time to live and enjoy life… Just thinking out-loud, he said, as he smiled and opened my door.
sigh. you articulate so well the heavy burden it is carrying both realities and being responsible and the knowing it is and having those faces with names…such a difference and such a struggle to know what to do with it always.
praying for you.
Kristen, you’ve been on my heart the last several days. I am lifting you up in prayer while down on my knees this very second. May you feel His strong, capable arms carrying you now…
I just wrote about this on my blog recently. It’s so hard to live in this world, raise families, try to be “normal” when you know what you know and see what you see. It’s hard to live in both worlds. It feel so heavy. Thanks for sharing, I am glad I am not alone.
I needed to hear that last part today because my husband lost his job yesterday. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Kristen,
I’m so glad to see someone else express how I feel so often. As a pastor’s wife in the inner city of Louisville we see so much hurting and brokenness in families. My frustration is that when I read your blog, and learn about the suffering in Africa, I want to look at our families and shout “YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE THIS WAY… Not here… not in America. You have opportunity.”
I relate with feelings of uselessness, inadequacy, and sometimes near hopelessness. I told a friend the other day that I have a tendency to despair apart from Christ.
I know these things may be hard for some of your readers but they are an encouragement to me.
I had no idea you were going to have your booth in Louisville and my schedule doesn’t permit attending the Summit. I guess I’ve not been paying attention. I do hope you have wonderful and productive trip.
My thoughts are with you.
I am praying for you today and always.
To be honest, I am relieved to see this post. You are coming to terms with where you are at. It’s all good. And your friend is RIGHT! Satan doesn’t like what you doing; but God does. You are amazing. Something GOOD is going to happen through The Mercy House.
Thanks for articulating the deep divide between being grateful for all we have and feeling our hearts break for those who don’t have. I hope your trip goes well. I’m praying for you.
Praying for you and Maureen!
Thanks for articulating the deep divide between being grateful for all we have and feeling our hearts break for those who don’t have. I’m praying for you.
I feel your struggle and heartbreak. My heart breaks just reading your post. I praise God for calling you, and for the difference you are making! I love how your faith is strengthening and uplifting others!
Psalms 126:5 Those who sow with tears shall reap with songs joy.
Praise the Lord!
oh kristen! i am so thankful for you. your words spoke to my heart…they are what i needed to hear today. thank you.
God bless.
kate
While I feel I only have a glimpse of what it is like to carry the burden of having a foot in both worlds, I understand. It’s like you’re standing in the gap, one foot in TX and the other in Africa–your heart, the rope in a game of tug-o-war. Know that you aren’t alone. We are praying. Hugs to you my friend! I so wish we had been able to join you at Summit!
I’m so glad you shared your struggle and that excerpt from Matthew. That verse is so hard to understand and so hard to share with others, isn’t it? Because how is following Him easy and light? Well, it is only in ways spiritual and interior, most of the time. Yet it is true. So true. I have not seen or known the suffering you have, but I have clung to the truth of those words many times. I hope they hold you up today.
God is doing such a beautiful work in your soul. Those are the words that came to me as I read your heartbreaking words. I don’t even know how to respond. Maybe the best way is that I am praying for you. And I thank you for sharing words like these. It is very easy for me to live a comfortable life in our great small town, oblivious to precious 4-year-olds who are starving to death.
Praying for you, dear blogging friend I’ve never met….
I wish I had my words a little more organized- or organized at all really- but alas it is 12:20am and I sit here with a lump in my throat feeding a baby that is my own daily reminder of the struggles of this world, a baby that has had to carry his own intense burdens in his 3 short months of life.
And so I guess I just should say I am praying for you, praying for Maureen… for the battle being waged. Praying for our Father’s arms around you to be so present and visable. I can only imagine that burden on your heart and yet know you wouldn’t change the things you’ve seen and experienced for a moment. You are an amazing woman and so strong with God at your side. Praying for peace- not for peace in the sense of complacency or throwing off of the burden in your heart, but for peace in knowing that God has this in His hands and upon His shoulders the burden is light.
Praise God for never leaving our sides, and keeping arms wide open to hold us.
Hey Friend, you’ve been on my mind so much the last few days. Just wanted you to know I’m praying for you as well as Maureen and both of your families. Wishing I could hug you tight, pour you a cup of something warm, and listen long and hard to your heart. XOXO