My husband settled in for The Talk with my son many months ago. After explaining the um, mechanics of the parts, my son stopped his dad and said, “From now on, can we just refer to everything as Thing One and Thing Two?”

It sort of ruined Dr. Seuss for all of us.

We’ve been talking about sex in our house with our older kids lately.

They are at the age where it’s being mentioned or joked about in some way nearly every day. And my husband and I want to be a part of their sex education. It’s not just public school kids talking…you might be surprised what kids say at church or what my son’s homeschool friend saw on the Internet. Not to mention what’s readily available on just about every TV show and screen in our homes with just a click.

Kids talk about sex.

So, we do, too…much earlier than I thought we would. But I think it’s important to set up God’s standard of purity before they start believing the world’s.

We’ve talked about things that make us blush and giggle and hurry and change the subject. We’ve corrected rumors and dispelled untruths, but most of all, we try and teach the importance of purity.

My husband and I grew up in an era of purity commitments and to put it bluntly: a church environment of shame-based sex education. Your commitment was all fine and good until you broke it and then there was no going back. You were ruined.

This kind of pressure to be pure doesn’t really work because it’s in and of itself, not pure. While my husband and I married as virgins, we did so because we chose to be pure in our hearts first. It took some time for us to untangle the guilt and shame wrapped up in our view of sex.

We lived in the time of “don’t confess you’re struggling with impure thoughts because you’ll be condemned and certainly don’t admit to giving into them or you’ll be damned.” We want to teach our children that they will in fact probably struggle with impure thoughts and possibly act on them at some point because they are human. And while this isn’t ideal or what we want for them, it doesn’t void or negate their purity commitment. It just gives them reason to talk to God about their hearts and ask for his help again.

I desperately want my kids to know this about sex:

1. They can talk to Mom and Dad about anything. I don’t want to hush them or tell them it’s inappropriate. The older they get, the less they talk, so I want to keep the lines open. I want to keep my kids talking, even if the first ten minutes aren’t important. If they hear a word they have a question about or someone sexts them a picture once they have phones (it happens to even good kids) or applies pressure in the cyber world or whatever…I want to be the one (or their Dad) they come to, not peers.

2. There is grace in this life. We all struggle. We all need to forgive and be forgiven. I want my children to know that if or when they make a mistake, their life isn’t over. They aren’t ruined for life. There are consequences for actions, especially sexual promiscuity. But God often uses our mess-ups to draw us closer to Him. My life is full of broken pieces he’s mended. And  I’m stronger because of them. The last thing I want my teenager to believe about themselves is that they are damaged goods. God is about redemption and I want my children to know we serve a God who can redeem anything. Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation in Christ Jesus.”

3. God’s way protects and provides for you. I want my kids to know we don’t just make up rules because we’re mean. We are teaching our kids that if we follow God’s standard of holiness, it protects them physically, spiritually and emotionally. It also provides for them in the future without all the cumbersome baggage and guilt that comes from doing too much too soon.

We are still figuring out what to teach our kids. With heavy media influence and availability (and the apps!), the dangers change nearly daily. But instead of creating a giant list of Do’s and Do not’s, we’re focusing on the heart.

It’s really where purity begins and ends.

Resources (Amazon Affiliate Links):

What’s the Big Deal?: Why God Cares About Sex (God’s Design for Sex)

Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is): Sexual Purity in a Lust-Saturated World

Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s Battle

Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle

Passport to purity

He stands eyeball to eyeball with me now, growing so fast, his pants hem and this momma can’t keep up. He flexes muscles and is quick-witted, he is smart and wants to know more about this thing called the Stock Market. Last week he lost his last baby tooth and I lost another piece of my baby.

When the ultrasound wand confirmed we were having a boy, I cried and whispered to my husband, “a son.” Because we all know about the dad and son relationship. But I didn’t know about the mother-son one and how this boy with his long dark lashes and tender heart would undo me.

Nearly every day for the past 11 years, he has touched my soul in some way. He is the first to ask “How was your day ?” and “Did you you sleep good?” or say “Momma, you look so pretty today.” He can also burp my name. So, there’s that.

My son turns 11 tomorrow and there are 11 things I need to say to him:

You don’t have to fit in. The world expects you to act a certain way. Culture demands it. But it’s okay to be a square peg in a round hole, to look different, be yourself. It’s alright to chart your course to God’s plan, even when others might not understand it. Yes, you might feel odd or weird chasing it, but that’s okay, most world changers do.

You don’t have to give in. You already know about the pressure–to talk or dress a certain way, to disrespect adults or girls, to be like those that do. But you possess the strength and character to walk away, the Christ living in you will help you stand. You don’t have to give in.  But if you do…

You get second chances and third and fourth… You can start again. Every sunrise is a second chance to get it right, to say no, to say I’m sorry, to ask forgiveness, to make a new start. I want you to know that this is what God is about. He wants to give you as many chances as it takes, just don’t every stop taking them.

You don’t have to be tough (all the time). Boys are supposed to be rough and tough. Maybe you’ve heard that “real men don’t cry” and always wear a stiff upper lip. But I want you to know real men are tender, they care about others, and root for the underdog. They rush to open the door for elderly women and use their manners. They cry over poverty and when they grow up, they tuck their babies into bed.

You don’t need a girl (yet). Girls. They are everywhere and their influence can be intoxicating, you’ll discover that soon enough. I can’t wait to see the girl God brings into your life and I already pray for her. Become friends with Godly girls, but don’t be in a hurry to make them a girlfriend. That time will come, enjoy today.

You make me proud. If you didn’t do another thing, win another award, get another A, or an E in conduct, I want you to know I’m proud of the young man you’ve become. I love the way you love your sisters (most days). I love the way you are a good friend and listener to others. I love the way you give generously. I am proud of you, son.

You are a success if you love God and others. I don’t know what you will be when you grow up. I think an engineer or a millionaire, possibly a missionary pilot or an artist. The sky is your limit and it’s your choice. But no matter what you accomplish or don’t, in my eyes, you’re successful if you love God first and others second. Always remember this is true success.

You have great men in your life. God has given you amazing men to shadow. It doesn’t get better than your father and grandfathers. They love God and their families more than themselves and if you aren’t sure where to step next, look for their footprints.

You can always come home. No matter what happens in this life, what you do or don’t do, you always have a place with us. We might make you want to leave with our rules or ask you to because of your actions, but we won’t stop you from coming home. (must read for prodigal children)

You are loved. No matter how long those legs grow or how high I have to look up to you, you will always be mine. I can still wipe your tears and listen to your heart. I can still ground you and make you say your sorry (hopefully). No matter what you do or what happens in this life, you are mine and nothing can change that. If you never hear another word I say or choose not to listen, you must believe that you are loved deeply by your parents. But even more than we love you, you are loved by a God who sent His son for you. Don’t ever doubt it. Believe it. This life might bring great joy or sorrow, great wealth or loss, but you can make it because you have love. Make sure you give it away. It’s the best way to receive it.

And most of all, we say a lot by not saying anything at all. We can accomplish a lot by praying these words from Psalm 63:8, “Lord, please instill in my child a soul with a craving for You, a heart that clings passionately to You.”

Happy birthday, son.