She stepped off the school bus and by the look on her face, I could tell it had been a hard day.
She marched through the door, shrugged off her backpack, grabbed my hand and led me to my room. We crawled onto my big bed and it all spilled out.
I heard all about the girl drama on the playground, about the kid who laughed at her math homework grade, and the birthday party she wasn’t invited to.
Third grade can be hard.
And then she got to the heart issue…Mom, I just want to fit in.
Oh, baby. We need to talk.
I don’t know when she started to notice that she doesn’t always fit in. She’s the girl who attended the birthday party, but not the sleepover. She’s the one who doesn’t have a TV in her room, a phone in her pocket or unmonitored Internet in her house.
And while every home is different and what works for some doesn’t for others, sometimes our kids feel different than other kids. And that’s okay.
Because as harsh as it may sound, that’s exactly how I want my daughter to feel because that’s how I’m raising her. Upstream.
I want to fit in. It’s the driving theme behind our culture. People follow the latest fashions, jump on the latest and greatest trends, overextend themselves with things they can’t afford —why? Because our culture craves what everyone else has or is doing. Fitting in offers-although temporary- a sense of belonging.
And this need doesn’t escape our children; no, it starts with them. Kid’s brains are wired for social inclusion. This is the single most important force our kids must contend with: to belong. They want to blend in. It’s a natural phase of growing up.
But if we dare to lead our home against the flow, we will likely raise children who are different. Whether we realize it or not, we’ve asked our children to stand in the raging current of our culture and take one hard step at a time upstream.
And it won’t be easy.
I began to see glimpses of this when my children were very young. Because when your parenting choices don’t match up with what everyone else is doing, people notice. And they often aren’t afraid to point it out to you and other people.
But-hey, we’re grown ups. We can handle it, right?
It’s harder for our kids because we are choosing this journey for them until they can navigate it on their own. Our belief in absolute truth, our choice to follow Jesus, our priorities– are setting our kids on an upstream course. And whether we like it or not, we are raising kids who won’t always fit in with what our culture says is normal.
It shows up in school and at church, in our community and our friend’s homes:
The first time your son asks his friends if they can play a less violent video game.
The first time your daughter chooses a modest dress over a popular trend.
The first time your son is showed pornography on a friend’s phone and walks away.
The first time your daughter stands up to the mean girls.
The first time your child opposes what others are doing is the beginning of a lot of other firsts.
When our kids leave our home, we hope they will stay on course; we’ve done what we can to equip them. If they choose another path, we pray God will redeem it.
In the meantime, most people don’t like turbulent waters because can be scary and uncertain. But they will come and you will survive them.
To Upstream Parents:
It’s ok.
Take a deep breath and remember parenting is hard. Especially when you’re doing it right. You might feel guilty in your decisions and bad for your kids because your choices might alienate them at times.
But sometimes loving our kids requires grit.
And sometimes it means we have to be mean.
One of the great things about parenting is we have the gift of hindsight and the wisdom of foresight. We can learn from our mistakes and hopefully help our kids avoid some. We can also look ahead and parent with wisdom and maturity our kids don’t possess yet. They won’t always understand our choices, acknowledge our wisdom and appreciate our difficult decisions. And that’s okay. We decided a long time ago to lead our families with intention. Not everyone will understand every leg of the journey-including our kids.
But stay the course. When the waters get turbulent–and they will–keep your eyes on Jesus. And keep going. Keep loving and serving your family and keep focusing on who we are raising our kids to be. They will notice your dependence on Him.
And it may not be today, but if you lead your family upstream, at some point, your kids will begin to feel its effects.
And when they do, these words are for them:
To Our Upstream Children:
Hey. I know this is hard. I know there are days you want to be like everyone else and just kind of blend in. Sometimes it’s hard being that kid. Nobody wants to feel weird or left out.
I know you want to be normal and fit in, but I’m going to be honest, it’s not really possible. Because when you choose to walk with God, you choose to become like Him and that desire makes you act in a way the the world doesn’t always understand. It makes you different.
And it means the journey won’t be easy. It’s actually really hard and I see that. I see you trying and struggling.
God sees you.
I also see things you can’t see yet…who you’re becoming and how you’re growing into a strong and resilient world changer.
And even though I don’t understand what you’re going through, I want you to know I’m here.
You’re not facing this alone.
I know it hurts. I know you might be mad at me. I know we fight about it, but that’s ok. I can handle it. I’m not going anywhere. I know you need to push back against something that won’t give up or in.
I can’t be with you every moment of the day (this will really bum your teens out), but there is someone who can be. God loves you more than I do. He’s not going anywhere and he loves that you aren’t like everyone else.
Please remember I love you and I’m sorry you’re struggling. I know this journey can be hard, but it’s worth it.
The first time a Christian adult doesn’t follow the crowd and doesn’t get tattoos. Oh…wait….never mind.
The first time we learn to not judge others and respect their decisions. Oh…wait…never mind. :))
This entire blog post was about Christians judging and teaching children not to follow blindly. The teaching that Christians are not to judge is not Biblical. Christians are absolutely told to judge the world. We are to be salt and light.
Thanks for judging me…. I am not a “good” Christian because I disagree with Christians getting tattoos. I guess everything boils down to “decisions”. So, if it is not against the law, it is okay for Christians to do. Hmmmmm, no.
Remember to be salt you bring flavor to a perhaps tasteless situation and light shows the way it does not force it’s view!
“The teaching that Christians are not to judge is not Biblical.” Have you ever read the Bible? Specifically Matthew 7?
Yes. Tattoos will send you straight to Hell. I don’t have any, but my husband has several. Luckily we found a church full of people not like you where we can grow together in Christ without judgement. You know, he actually worried about attending church when we met because of people like you? People like you only serve as a barrier to Christ and furthering His kingdom. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Nichole – churches are filled with sinners. That is why we have churches. The people who go to church regularly are trying to become better people. Your remarks are judging another. Perhaps instead of making remarks like this, you should pray for them so that they can become better Christians.
Nicole-I have never said, nor do I believe, that tattoos will “send” anyone to Hell. Thanks for judging me. I guess it is okay for you to judge me because you are a “good” Christian while I, on the other hand, am clearly a barrier to Christ and to the furthering of His kingdom. Thanks for the advice but I am not ashamed of myself.
Ummmm….you guys. Really?
Yes, really?! This whole string is shameful. And we can’t figure out we’re losing the spiritual battle in our present generation? Christians can truly be some of the nastiest people to each other. Forget love…. What a great message we’re sending.
Stop it, children! You sound just like immature kids who need to apologize for arguing, get rid of strife, and learn to love each other. You might be right, but your lack of love makes you wrong, and you’re hurting those who really need to see Jesus. But today is a great day to walk new,…repent and speak with grace,…speak life and watch darkness run! We need each other!
Just curious – why shouldn’t Christians have tattoos? I’m Christian, but I missed the memo on this one…
It is one of the things forbidden in Old Testament law. At the time it was a part of pagan worship. One issue here is one camp says we are free from the law, yet pick and choose what still stands and what doesn’t… Tatoos, sexual sin, homosexuality, murder, but ignored are Saturday Sabbath, coveting others possessions, eating pork or shellfish/ shrimp, crab or lobster. I think the original poster was just simply throwing out tatoos as an example of Christians following culture rather than standing for a different norm. People just get upset both ways when something hits a nerve. I choose to celebrate Biblical feasts while not doing Christmas trees and Easter bunnies, and you would be surprised at the firestorm that can cause.
Thank you for your encouragement!
I have just finished this book. It’s refreshing to know there are other families trying their best to swim upstream…it’s so hard sometimes. Thank you for this wonderfully written book, full of real stories and struggles and very practical ideas. This is exactly what I needed to “refocus”!
Funny… my family swims “upstream” by being atheists… my child has trouble fitting in because of that – I’m sure he would feel far more average if we were Christian or something lol
You should let the children make their own observations. In saying that, you would say that I am a hypocrite, BUT my children have nothing to lose if I am wrong (I know that I am not). If you’re wrong, your children have everything to lose, and you will have been the one who led them in that direction. I’m not trying to be harsh, and I know you have heard all of the arguments before, so have I. May you and your children find the true path.
As an atheist it has been my way to do exactly that CA. I was not raised under any religion and chose for myself what to believe. My son has had the same privilege. When he asked what my beliefs were I was honest. When he was smaller he would say he believed in god but as he has gotten older he has stated otherwise. If he chooses another path I will be OK with that as well. He will choose what works for him – an opportunity many don’t receive. You say you KNOW you are not wrong.. you can believe that with every fiber of your being but never truly KNOW. Just as I can not know if I am right.
Do you love your son? You say you do. But can you prove it? Can you prove love? There is no scientific formula to prove love. There is no math formula to prove love. You can do acts to love which you believe prove love. These acts are your beliefs. Another person may not think these acts are love. This is how a God believer feels about faith. We know faith exists just as you know you “love” your son. You can truly never prove you love your son. I can never prove my faith to you.
Exactly my point Jackie – faith is just a belief in something unprovable (as is love). My beliefs are therefore no less valid then yours – regardless of how “sure” either of us may feel. My original comment was simply an observation on how I don’t believe raising a child in a Christian faith is “going against the flow”. In my experience doing anything other then that is actually more uncommon. Truthfully I think what the author talks about here has less to do with religion and more to do with parenting. My child experiences exactly what she’s talking about not only due to our (lack of) religion but even more so because we parent him differently (we have no TV, eat real foods, are minimilists etc).
If Christianity were just an ideology I could not say I know one path is true and one is not. However, my Christianity is based on relationship with a loving God. I spend time with Him, feel his presence, hear His voice. I have seen Jesus 4 times. I have had my life saved several times in supernatural interventions. I have had instant miracle healings more than once where I should have needed surgery or there was no cure. I have had to pray deliverance over someone demon possessed who was writing like a snake, tongue darting in and out and eyes turned weird or having multiple voices of different genders coming from them and seen them delivered. I have prayed for people and God gave me specific things for them that I had no way of knowing on my own So, in my case, I can say I am 100 % sure of what I believe. However the fruit of that is love. Experiencing God’s love and then that love going to others. I don’t get angry or judge or criticize, but for me and my family I do know 100% that there is a God who is creator, who lives all who desires relationship with all and I have seen Him weep and felt His pain when he has desired to reach someone and they pushed him away. Being born into a church going home, believing the Bible is not the issue. The bottom line is intimate relationship with a loving God..
I’m right there with you, Bahjr. We’re Jewish homeschoolers. We don’t fit in among Jews, and we don’t fit in among Christians.
Rachel
I homeschool. Why do u say u don’t fit in with your Jewish brothers & sisters? We don’t fit in but I’m not really meant to. I believe love is the key:)
We have had to have this conversation with our girls and it was so hard. They don’t always understand, but my prayer is one day they will. Thanks for the encouragement. Parenting upstream is hard, but in the end, it will be worth it.
Weirdly, even as a Christian family, church is the least of places that was safe for us. We don’t go, won’t ever again, we have fellowship with even more amazing Christians now than we ever did when our focus was being in church. If your doing Christianity right, non-believers will come to you and not simply to make fun of you: they’ll come to be a friend, because they see someone who genuinely loves them, who will be rocksteady, who they can share their culture with without harsh judgement… and you know what? That is VERY GOOD, to be a Christian and have friends who aren’t, because you are challenged not only to grow in faith, but to grow in wisdom and knowledge, you are forced to stop putting others in boxes under labels of “heathen, saved, believer, not”, and you are forced to see people through the eyes of God. And this will go against everything your church wants… you’ll actually be like Jesus.
So, yes, go upstream parents!
Another great post. We’re already running into similar things with my daughter who is only in 1st grade. She has trouble fitting in because we don’t watch the same movies, wear the same clothes, or play the same games some of her friends do. It’s hard, but I’m ok with that.
I think you are doing the right thing by teaching and walking “upstream” I admire your strength and your family in staying on that path. It’s always right to follow God’s words and to display a Christ-like image even when it’s difficult! Mom’s are sometimes the glue that holds the family together when they are struggling (like your little girl was) and you are doing it fantastically! 🙂
I wished you lived next door. But I’m thankful for your blog. Your posts always seem to echo my heart and strengthen my convictions, fill me with courage to “press on”! Blessings to you and all He has led you to do, for so many, all over the world~
I agree! You’re a wonderful writer. I don’t normally comment either but just want to encourage you that you are being not just an encouragement to many, but helping them/us with Godly wisdom we can use day to day! Thanks for your words! God bless you and your family!
Great post! Only 50ish days until my first baby arrives and I’m so blessed to be able to hear your words after years in the battle. I truly think it has changed my perspective as this journey begins. Thanks so much!
I normally don’t comment, but I just wanted to add another note of encouragement because some comments have drifted in a way that without a doubt lead to discouragement. I pray that you retreat to Him and keep doing what you’re doing.
I agree with *most of what you say, but you have to realize that some very strong Christian parents will make choices for their children you don’t agree with, as they won’t agree with you. Does that make one of you wrong, and one of you right? One a better Christian, and one not? I guess as your kids get older, they will be exposed to people who they respect as Christians, then they may suddenly realize that a belief you held as “upstream” and different, making you a “better” Christian, is not held by their amazing Christian friends, then what? Just be careful to also teach your children love and grace, and not that they are “better” because they sin “less”. What may feel like “sin” to you, may not be sin to another. Christ is the common denominator in Christians, we have many differences that is why there are so many churches. Don’t be too judgmental of things that God probably isn’t as concerned about as you are. That goes for those of us who have raised many children and realize that following the “rules” doesn’t make us better Christians, but loving Christ makes us better at following “rules”. (For instance choices in video games, or kids having phones, are not necessarily a sign if someone is a Christ follower, its just a choice you made for your family, whether you are a Christian or not. I know Atheist that have stricter rules concerning video games than I do, but my kids don’t get phones until high school, and theirs have them in 2nd grade. A choice, not a sin.)
Agreed!!
Kristen, your posts are a blessing to me every time. I thank God for your words of wisdom. As the mother of two young girls I agree with you 100%. I grew up with upstream parents and it served me and my sisters well. As a young girl and certainly as a teenage girl I did not like the rules my parents had but I had to follow then and today I’m grateful for them. That is the way we are raising our girls because my husband and I firmly believe in upstream parenting. May the good Lord Jesus bless you and yours.
I sincerely appreciated your post. Very timely, and excellent, supportive wording that I wish I could have in my back pocket when I have similar conversations with my children. Keep on making us stronger by encouraging us to THINK about it!
Kristen,
I love all of your posts and this was another that absolutely hit the spot. I will be sharing with my teenage (homeschooled ;)) boys. And I share many of your posts on my community Facebook wall as well. (I emailed you a message not long ago, not sure if you got it and I fully understand as i am a busy blogger and it takes me forever to get to messages.) But just want you to know that you are a huge inspiration in my writing and as I am working on my first book (and reading your new book!! 🙂 LOVE IT!) I am truly encouraged by who you are and what you do. God bless you and keep it up.
XO Aloha!
Thank you for this post! My son is starting school (Kindergarten) in the fall, and I am getting nervous about him possibly not quite “fitting in” because we don’t allow him to watch some of the shows and play some of the games that are so mainstream. I know we are doing the right thing but it is so hard to imagine him being ridiculed because of it. This is so encouraging! I will look for your book, too.
Kindly add me to your mailing list?
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