She knocked on my door to drop something off and we both stood there holding more than the burden of heavy packages.
We were mothers and we were hurting for our kids.
She’s a few years ahead of me and even though her nest is empty, we shared the worry lines of motherhood. Instead of babies that wouldn’t nap and worrying over classroom bullies and parties her kids weren’t invited to, it was college internships and first jobs, apartments and young adult loneliness.
“It doesn’t end, Kristen,”she whispered.
I’m learning this truth in the motherhood school of hard knocks.
Motherhood never stays the same–it stretches us, teaches new lessons and drives us to our knees.
It’s been probably the hardest year of parenting I’ve ever endured. Or maybe it’s just because I’m good at forgetting the hard phases that have passed. Or maybe I’m just dramatic. I do know I’ve sworn off writing parenting books because bleeding out what you write leaves you anemic.
I delete emails asking me to come speak and share my parenting wisdom. Writing a parenting book breaks the “expert” in you.
There are no wild rebellions or illegal substances or all the things parents dread knocking at our door. It’s just been a season of heartbreak. Moms break when kids break. And there are a lot of loose shards to step around. I have begged God for joy and peace and wisdom in my nest.
In the depths of despair, I have clung to Jesus for my kids. I have screamed into my pillow and cried in the bathtub at my loss of control. And on those hard days, at my weakest, I’ve heard two words over and over: hold on.
And that’s what I’ve done. Because when you hold onto your Creator with everything you’ve got, you also have to let go of everything else.
I let go of fear and expectations. I let go of regret and doubt.
I held onto Jesus.
And He held onto me.
Then the most miraculous holy thing happened–it wasn’t a slow, unnoticed answer that sometimes happens in parenting when we wake up one day and realize one hard phase has ended and we catch our breath before the next one begins.
No, it was a violent, swift I AM GOD answer to prayer and the rope I’ve been clinging to and dangling from in this challenging season has lowered and for the first time in a very long time, I can feel the ground under my feet.
And now that I’m standing upright, I can see this hard season from another perspective. I can see how far I’ve grown as a mother and mostly a daughter of the King and I can see how much closer my kids have moved to Jesus (which is the goal, right?)
I cherish my children’s private lives and the story they are living as much as you do yours, but know this–I am in awe of what God has done and is doing in the hearts and lives of my kids. I have wept tears of joy and gratitude because I can see His face again.
And I only have two words to the momma reading this with the baby who won’t be put down and the teen that won’t be held and the son who needs medication to sit and the daughter who cannot get out of bed because anxiety keeps her there–HOLD ON.
This parenting thing is hard, holy work. It tears us apart and puts us together again. And as much as we love our children and sacrifice for them and want them to be okay, there is a God who wants it more.
Let go of your kids and give them to Jesus.
It’s the only way to hold onto Him with both hands.
So, momma at the end of her rope, when you don’t know what else to do…hold on.
Thank you x ❤️
Truly, thank you. I am a Mom at the “End of Her Very Long Rope”….just exhausted to nothing left with one of my precious ones. I needed this today. I do keep hearing HOLD ON. I just keep surrendering and throwing it all back up to the only ONE who restore and save.
Thank you! Don’t delete the emails asking you to speak. The best teachers are those who are willing to speak from the middle of what God is doing in their mess. It’s not about bringing answers, but about reminding us where to turn by showing us where you turn. No one needs another expert who hasn’t prayed in the trenches-and on the other side! Thank you for your words!
Thank you. That was really encouraging to read.
there are no other words except THANK YOU…I get this right now…thank you.
I was calmly reading along, nodding my head until you got to “….and the son who needs medication to sit and the daughter who cannot get out of bed because anxiety keeps her there–HOLD ON.”
BAM, the bottom dropped out of my heart and the tears started. I know you didn’t know exactly what was going on in my life BUT GOD DID and He used you this morning. It has been so hard and I feel like I can’t even pray because I’m just running around trying to keep up.
Thank you for sharing your heart, it meant the world to me this morning!
Thank you for this timely message. We “momma’s” appreciate you being real and relative with us all.
Kristin, as a mom who has two rounds of family, (Grown children and pre-k and K) it does keep going, issues are traded for different issues. But, you are willing to admit you don’t have all of the answers, and the “me too” factor is what allows other women to identify with you. You are an experienced mom, in the trenches, and a mom who desperately knows you need Jesus. This holding on is what gives other women the strength to know they can also “hold on” This is hope, in Jesus, in the “if you can hold on so can I” understanding, and vulnerability, and example. People sometimes are looking at magic bullets, but with this marathon, there are none. A woman, named Karyn Purvis, who was an expert in the adoption field has a saying, and it also gives me hope, “It is better to have erred and repaired, than to have never erred at all” All of our mistakes count for something. And with God they are still used for good. I can’t tell you what to do, nor would I even dream to be an expert, but I say, if Jesus is telling you to take those speaking engagements, take them. You come from authenticity. Blessings, Joanne
I’m lying here, flat out exhausted from this day, and I’m just wishing for relief for all of us. Running on fumes is such a hard and lonely place to be.
From a heart broken Mama of a 16 year old stepping on shards and losing his battle, thank you. Thank you, Jesus, for this word today.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! God literally dropped your words in my lap after another difficult conversation with my son, 18. I found comfort not only in your blog, but in the comments that followed it.
I needed this today thank u
God bless you! I never thought of holding on to God with 2 hands meaning fully trusting them in His care.
Thank you for sharing so eloquently. Acknowledging we are stewards of our children for our Lord is hard but as you so rightly say He loves them more and knows them so much better than we ever will. Every mum cries tears of anger, despair, frustration and joy, I ask the Holy Spirit to take each one as the prayer its meant to be so we can hold on with both hands to the Only One who can help.
My nest is almost empty but the tears continue to fall but I’m still trying to hold on!
I really needed this article as my newborn is screaming for a unknown reason my 8 year old who just needs my atrention….and tears stream down my face. I needed this. My rope feels her short tonight as I am exhausted from a long week of work and I just want to eat my dinner and go to the bathroom in peace. I pray that my rope get a longer and at some point when my husband gets home I can eat and relax. Until then…..i will hang on and enjoy the ride.
Thank you for this. I need it so badly. Nothing monumental or scary–just two grown 20-something girls who have gone their own way. I feel broken in so many ways. I won’t start crying because I may not stop, and I don’t think it will help anyway. Breathe. Just breathe.
Though he slay me, yet I will trust him…
I am just now reading this blog post and it must have been put before my eyes by God – I soooo needed to read this since, for the past two years I have been that mom on her knees, screaming into my pillow and in that bathtub, for my oldest son who struggles with alcoholism and depression , praying for him to find his purpose and to know God’s love and mercy for him. I have two younger children, one heading to college next year and my youngest still in high school. I am still holding on.